notes from La Mancha: ...school daze & nightmares

this is my 4th year being retired...
after 20+ years in an inner city middle school...
[grades 7 & 8....]
the last 4 years, I taught reading & English...
for the 17 years before that, I taught music...
[as well as English, world history & careers...]

but for the last 10 years of that 17, only music...
4 bands [3 levels] & orchestra...

most of my students didn't have much...
so I worked very hard...
to build up a cache of school equipment...
they could use without any cost to them...

I liked my job... my school...
my colleagues & my students...

we didn't "memorize" a piece...
and then go to "contests"...
playing the same piece until we won a trophy...
but they did learn to read music...

we participated in a community parade...
from time to time...
and generally went to the CMEA festival...
[sort of like "THE state test" for musicians...]

I NEVER had the same advanced students, as a group...
for more than 1 year... so just as they got "good"...
they moved on to high school...
so we never earned a rating of "I"[superior] at CMEA...

but we often earned a "II"[excellent]...
and one year... the best group I would ever have...
came SO close... to a "I"...
it really hurt...

the judge said, "you're really pretty much a "I"...
but next year, there'll be no question...
so I'll give you a "II" this time...
and next year, you'll really appreciate...
the "I" you earn..."

there was no "next year"...

of the 65 students in that group...
only 12 were 7th graders...
and the 8th graders would scatter...
to many different schools...

it had been the "perfect storm"...
and then... it was gone...

I had a "Music Room"... much like this...
[most commonly called "the band room"...
until I added orchestra to my schedule...]

I would spend about 2 weeks after school was out...
cleaning instruments & mouthpieces...
putting together the "Summer repairs" list & p.o....
marking & piling them in a safe spot...

sorting music, filing it, doing inventory...
closing out my fund raiser accounts...
painting & repairing music stands...
and storing EVERYTHING away behind locked doors...

I didn't get paid extra...

but if I didn't do it...
no one else would...
and it needed to be done...

so I just did it...

2 to 3 weeks before school was to start...
I began to go back...
[I didn't get paid extra for this either...]

to "un-pack" my room...
put away the "Summer repairs" that were now, back...

re-stock my supplies of reeds, oil...
cork grease, strings & rosin...
drumsticks, mouthpieces, chin rests...
ETC....
[out my own pocket, of course...]

make sure I had enough "beginner" books...
[one year, I had 63 in beginning band...
at the first of the year... IN 1 CLASS...]
playing 9 different instruments...
besides percussion...

by the 2nd quarter...
I was able to whittle it down to 45...
by moving the most talented "up"...
to intermediate or advanced band...
this would be the year of my best advanced band...
which would have 15 1st year players...
by the end of the year...

before school started...
I also relabeled instrument cases...
labeled music folders...
chose music, passed it out...
I had racks for each class...

and set up my room...

when I left music...
I also left most of the "fun" behind...

I still had to set-up my classroom...
now an ancient portable...
with very limited storage space...
and since the "administration" decided that we had to "vacate"...
[ie...move "everything" out and take it home each summer...]
because of "renovation" and relocation of some teachers...

this meant that all the textbooks...
had to be returned to the book room...
at each "school closing"...

and retrieved, at the "opening"...
hauling them on a wobbly cart...
making a number of trips...
over bad blacktop and cracked cement...
unless there was construction...
then ...it was over dying grass and hard, uneven dirt...

and finally, UP THE RAMP...
into my classroom...

this was AFTER hauling stored boxes of classroom materials...
from my garage to my car, packing the car...
driving to school, driving back behind the portables...
unloading my car... carrying things UP THAT RAMP...
and then, re-assembling my classroom...

I would still get that "tingle" all teachers get...
looking at the "finished" room...
just waiting for the ones who would populate...
[or as I came to think, the last couple of years...]
"infest", the room in a day or two...

I didn't come to dislike "kids"...

they just became so different...

more,"entitled"... less interested in learning...
LAZY...spoiled... and willful...
nothing could make them care...
about their future... about how they treated each other...
about the lack of respect they had...
for everything... and everyone...
including themselves...

but even when I liked my job & students...
and looked forward to returning to "my school"...
working again with colleagues...
and administrators I liked & respected...

I had the "dreams"...

at first, I thought that I was the only one...
then my good friend & mentor said...
"Oh, yeah... school dreams...we ALL have them..."
and I felt better...

I haven't had them for a while...
since I left all that behind...
but the other night...I had one...
and it was a doozy...

waking me up at 5 AM...
agitated... in a foul mood...
I couldn't settle down...
& just go back to sleep...

I had to distract myself...
playing solitaire on my cell to clear my mind...

[THIS... is why I don't watch violent scary films...]

it was a pretty common "school dream"...
I had a new class... a rowdy, noisy group...
not unlike ones I had the last year I taught...
but for some reason, there were some adults there too...

sitting with the students as "visitors"...

and when I employed the usual "methods"...
to show that I WAS in control...
the students responded...
but the adults undercut my authority...
and chaos reigned supreme...
until the bell rang...

in my dream, I left the classroom, extremely angry...

I went looking for the principal...
who saw me coming...
and made himself scarce...

then, as I was looking around for him...

I woke up...

in these kind of dreams... all is surreal...
I'm never at "my school" or in "my room"...
but I'm somewhere familiar...
[in this dream, I was teaching at MY elementary school...]

sometimes...I used to dream that I had left CA...
and returned to Chicagoland...
in these frequent re-occurring dreams...
I often lived in the same place...
[NEVER a place I had lived...]
and was aware that I had left CA...
and my old school...
and was trying to find a job teaching there...

since the dreams were surreal...
rooms would "morph"...
become smaller or larger...
or become other places altogether...

I can still see bits & pieces of these dreams...

sometimes they were "school dreams"...
where I was the teacher...
and sometimes, I had returned to grad school...
to finish the DMA I started, but left undone...
a kind of "school dream", I guess...

although my most common grad school dream...
is coming into a class I've missed a couple of times...
and there is a test...
and, of course... I'm clueless...

the other one is that I rush to a rehearsal...
only to discover that I either don't have my trumpet...
[or the music...]
or I don't have ALL the trumpets I need...
or some other necessary piece of equipment is missing...

but ... it's in my car...
now...if I only knew where my car is...

sometimes, I was still in Mudville...
but at my school's "rival"...
and being mistreated because of where I was from...
[ironically... I did post-retirement "testing" at this school...
and was "looked askance at"...for that very reason...]

the common ground is always frustration...
a loss or lack of control over my situation...
[and we all know about my "control issues", don't we...?]
and for teachers... the "new class" is always...
the "great unknown"...

I've left all those school issues behind me now...
I only think of them when I have my monthly FFers lunch...
[the letters stand for something "clean"...and, I'm NOT telling...]
with several former teacher colleagues...
though we did just meet last Saturday...
and there was a LOT of angst & frustration vented...

I guess I just held on to some of it...
causing the "school dream"...
that's a relief...
because I don't need any more stress...
what with the impending bath tear-out...