...the letter has arrived

I got the, "we have chosen another applicant" letter...
from VOPU Library on Tuesday evening when I got home...
I didn't want to drop the news before Thanksgiving...
so I figured, "why not Black Friday ?"...

a friend, who works there, told me...
that she had heard about the new hire a few days ago...
and had recently met "him"...
she also said that she thought...
that they would have been "better off" with me...
[which was very kind... but I can see why they would chose a man...
for a late-night manager over an older woman...]

I find it rather ironic that I was so SURE...
that the school district would take a younger man...
over me for a high school band job...
that I was astonished to discover that I was their first choice...
but since I couldn't do "full time", I didn't get that job...

perhaps this is God's way of telling me...
that I can't figure this out for myself...
so I just have to trust Him...
because none of the "rules" apply anymore...
and only He can cause the completely improbable to happen...

that I actually get a job I'm suited for...
so I can pay my living expenses & pay-off my debts...

strangely, I'm actually very calm with all this...

I haven't awoke in a cold sweaty panic yet...
no tension or stress headaches, though my sinuses are being obnoxious...

perhaps I've learned that none of that helps anything, anyway...

the "word" I get from God is that HE WILL PROVIDE...
I am to be joyful, wait & trust in Him...
attack every finger of fear with praise and trust...
dismiss the enemy sternly and rejoice in His keeping...

and wait for instructions...

while waiting, a few more "little blessings" were discovered...

I called my former health care insurance holding company...
and requested that my unused balance be refunded...
[it should be about $700...]
I discovered that I had an "available balance"...
of over $800 on a credit card...
and after checking, discovered that I could use it to pay...
the first installment of my property taxes[$706, due 12/10]...

allowing me to pay my entire 6 months car insurance premium...
[$445, due, 12/02] and still have a bit of wiggle room...

this may have bought me January's utility & insurance bills...

no doubt, I need to find work soon...
but the message that I get is to be calm...
to not succumb to fear & panic...
I WILL BE LED... so do nothing in panic...
to let Him lead me in the ways that He wants me to go...
quietly, calmly, safely...

it was that quiet voice, speaking to me while I was calm...
that had me check my credit card "available balance"...
& led me to paying my property taxes by credit card...
after all, it's His money...

my checking account has enough to pay the whole car insurance now...
if I wait, then I have $116 payments every month for 4 months...

so I wait for the next instructions...and miracles ?

thanks again, to all of you who have prayed for me...
in His will, I hope to have good news...
to share with you all sometime soon...

God is good, and I trust Him, all the time...

...looking back & giving thanks

the last Thanksgiving meal I shared with Mom...
was in 2006, at her "care facility"...
[it was to be our last meal together, but we didn't know it then...]
and it was, actually, a pretty decent meal...
especially when compared to the one in 2005...
which was inedible, to put it kindly...

but, our last "real Thanksgiving dinner"...
was at the ranch in 2003...
we had a Thanksgiving in 2004, but we weren't alone...
her caregiver was there, so things weren't "normal"...

ever since I returned from Chicago in 1978, & moved to Mudville...
I had been "home for Thanksgiving"...
and after Dad died in 1988, it was always, "just us"...
[a stray cousin might float through, but never for dinner...]

I'd arrive at the ranch, about 2 1/2 hours south of Mudville...
in the early afternoon, after a church service or just sleeping-in...

the drive south, through the areas of fruit trees & grapevines...
leaves turning, red, yellow & brown from the cool fall air...
glowing in the shafts of the bright sunlight that sought them out...
the sky, often a brilliant blue that was so much a contrast...
to the earth tones of all the dying foliage...

sometimes, it was foggy, raining or just overcast...
but those times tended to be later, at Christmas...
Thanksgiving was almost always bright...
as if the earth was celebrating her bounty...
and rejoicing in her coming sleep...

as I rolled off the road, crunching onto the gravel driveway,
so common to country homes...
I was always greeted by barking dogs and a persimmon tree...
heavy with deep red-orange globes, touched with black...
amidst the golden leaves dropping to the ground beneath...

the old red barn, the big trees, fading white out-buildings...
the sycamore trees dropping big brown leaves...
the fruitless Mulberry trees in the back yard...
carpeting the ground with their large yellowed leaves...
and the huge Australian Oaks, standing sentries to the west of the house...
they keep their leaves, all feathery, greenish silver & black...

a refuge for owls and numerous other birds...
shade in the summer, windbreak in the winter...
watered by irrigation ditches, they were huge...
planted by my grandfather in 1905, they were old...
when it rained, they had a pleasant, but pungent odor...

after parking my car, I'd gather up my bags and head through the gate...
past frolicking canines & occasional felines...
through the fallen leaves, up the steps and into the kitchen...
where the aromas of roasting turkey, simmering green beans & boiling potatoes...
mingled with herbs, cinnamon, onions & other good things...
in the warm, steamy air...

Mom would time her turkey so that I could lift it out for her...
and soon, the smells of stuffing being removed from the turkey...
joined the smell of gravy cooking, roasted yams & Brussels sprouts cooling...
and potatoes being mashed with butter & milk...

then it was time to eat...

Mom hated roasting a turkey when I was growing up...
[Dad was really picky about how it came out...]
but as she got older, & inherited Grandma's blue speckled, covered roaster...
it all came together for her...

her turkey was always moist, perfectly done, with nice crisp skin...
I even learned to like dark meat, it was so good...

Mom always enjoyed her turkey dinners...
[she'd do one at Christmas, too...]
and when the meal was done...the deconstruction began...
the bird would be completely cut up and parcelled out...

a bag for skin, knuckles, fat, giblets, neck & odd scraps[for the grandcats...]
a bag of sliced white meat, the wings & a bit of dark meat for me...
the legs, some white & dark meat for sandwiches & supper...
the carcass for soup...
and the rest cut up for the "frozen dinners" Mom made for herself...

I always spent the night in my old room...
[except for 2004, when I slept on Dad's porch...
because my old room had become the caregiver's room...]
the next morning, after a turkey sandwich on toast for breakfast...
I'd head back to Mudville with enough leftovers for several good meals...

in December, 2006, after Mom had left the ranch for good...
a wind-whipped fire totally destroyed the house and most of the trees...
leaving only the cement front, side & back steps...
amid a fallen chimney & some twisted pipes...

the house, built by my grandfather in 1907, was being renovated...
and all the fixtures, doors, windows, woodwork & trim had been removed...
the new owner planned to go ahead, with the now, new house...
built to use the old fixtures & trim pieces, but a "new" house...

Mom thought that it was God's work...
leveling the house to the ground like that...
that He didn't want anyone else to live in the house...
where she had been born in 1912, married in 1931...
and lived for over 90 years...

I didn't argue with her... it seemed "right" to her...
I know that God doesn't usually work like that...
but the thought gave her comfort, so I let it go...

I didn't know that in 6 weeks, she would be gone...
so I'm glad I let her have that "last word"...

so now, 3 years later, this year, I'm thankful...

that we had all those dinners together...
I miss her & her turkey... and the ranch...
but I'm thankful for it all... for all those years...

I'm also thankful for where God has put me on the Thanksgivings since...
and this year, as I wait for a job, I'm thankful to be where I am...

"come, ye thankful people, come...
raise the song of harvest home...
all is safely gathered in...
ere the winter storms begin...

God, our maker, doth provide...
for our wants to be supplied...
come, to God's own temple, come...
raise the song of harvest home..."

God is good, all the time...

...happy 3rd birthday, Molly

this picture was taken a couple of days ago...
as Molly was chewing an old piece of leg bone...

as I celebrate Molly's 3rd birthday...
I find myself reflecting on the past year +...
that she's been here, in "Kitty City"...
with me and the felines...

Molly is a happy dog...

I say that having known a few who were often morose...
and a few that weren't...

she is not,"cool", like the felines...
she wears her heart on her sleeve...
bouncing about, mauling one of several squeaky toys...
punctuating the squeaks with yips of doggy glee...
scattering previously sleeping felines in her wake..

sometimes, she thunders through the house, [aka,"the runnsies"]...
when she's glad to see me or wants to play...
especially if Lucyfur, Mackie or SPie are about...
[and woe, to any feline or human who gets in the way...
sort of like a baby rhino going downhill...]

she likes the back yard, spending an hour or so in the morning...
[in good weather, much less if it's wet or cold...]
sometime, also in the late afternoon, if I've been gone...
patrolling the perimeter, calling the nasty blue jay names...
looking for Piglet, who I try to have inside when Molly's out...
[Molly wants to play chase & Pigs will have none of it...]

Molly loves the cat window perch...
from whence she barks at anything that moves outside...
though she can really wreak havoc getting up there...
scattering cats left & right...

I do have to keep her in the crate when I'm gone...

she goes batso and throws herself at the windows...
when the mail or a delivery comes...
and I'm afraid that she'll break a window...
she already "unhung" a stained glass panel...
while barking at a passing dog walker...
fortunately, it didn't break...

there were numerous plants in pots that suffered a worse fate...

she also spends the night in her crate...
cozy, right next to the floor furnace grate...
and anytime that she gets too carried away barking...
she goes in for a "time out"...

always willingly, especially if I toss in a toy or treat...
she seems to enjoy her crate...
yipping at any feline cheeky enough to pass too close...
she only "talks" to greet me on my return...
or if she really needs to go...

I have to be very careful of the cat food or she'll scarf it...
and she is quite stealthy too...
feline quality sneakiness...
going around through the kitchen...
to get at an unguarded morsel or cat dish with crumbs...

so I am still quite amazed...
[considering just how much territorial yipping, etc...
accompanies the gnawing of bones, etc, from her nest...]
that she will share all sorts of goodies put in her dish...
with any feline who sticks their nose in...

no growling, or defensive posturing...
no gulping or bolting the food so they won't get any...
just gently taking a bit, eating it & politely going back for more...
too bad the kitties aren't that nice to each other...

two days ago...
I had to give up on the last of the meatloaf...
[it had been around too long & didn't smell right...]
yesterday, it was the last of the chicken...
that I had slow-cooked, weeks ago...
and had made many good meals from...
but was now, too old & tasted strange...

they didn't care...

I broke up the few remaining slices of meatloaf...
giving Molly the bigger pieces...
and the kitties the crumbled ones...

the chicken went the same way, & quickly...
but shared with great gusto & no rancor...

I found myself just shaking my head in wonder...
as I watched Molly nibbling daintily on some chicken...
while Thomas, sitting right next to her, was eating from her dish too...

I've been working on building up my legs...
so that we can take an extra long walk for her birthday...
I'm sure that she'll like that...

it's still a work in progress...
me having a dog, that is...
I know cats, inside & out...
dogs, not so much, but I'm learning...

after all, there's a reason that God made her the way that she is...

the ideal dog to live here, with me & the kitties...
to teach me things & help me to become more patient...

so despite the small annoyances [purloined cat food...]
the need to train her & be,"the boss"...
the plethora of toys, old old bones, half-chewed rawhide...
ripped pillows, broken plant pots and messed-up chair cushions...
and, I hope, the "never again" dislocated finger...

I'm glad that she's here...

so, Happy Birthday Molly !
I hope you have many more...

...unchartered lands

on November 25, 2007, I crawled out of the hole I'd been hiding in...

I had help... God sent some caring people to show me the way out...
and things have been, "interesting", ever since...

C.S.Lewis observed that in his life...
when things seemed to be going too well...
that's when the the learning phase, the growth phase would begin...
often, by turning everything upside down...
and dumping him into a world of anger, fear & pain...

in the last 2 years...

I've experienced unbelievable joy...
and unbelievable sorrow & pain...

the quiet perfection of rewarded faith...
of things hoped & prayed for, happening against all odds...

the cold shock of grief at the realizations of all my sins...
the sickening failures of my attempts to improve my character...
the clutch of fear & panic as the cold reality of my actions...
became all too clear and nauseatingly real...

the lessons attempted, failed, attempted again...
and failed again...

and with each attempt & failure, I see how much farther I have to go...
the task becoming more daunting with each revelation...

for a while, these realizations would so depress me...
I came close to just packing it in...
lashing out at those who tried to help me...
completely oblivious of the effect I was having on them...
hiding away again so I," couldn't hurt others, any more..."
[an excuse for not dealing with the problem]
but the God of hope, who had revealed Himself to me 2 years ago...
wouldn't let me quit...

in reality, I was protecting myself[as usual]...
from the pain and shame of seeing the unvarnished truth...
of seeing just how screwed-up I was...

the realization of the whole truth was devastating...
but after some time had dimmed the intensity...

I realized that, as awful as I was, I was His...
and if I would let Him... He would fix me...
make me new... heal the broken, twisted spirit...
make the crooked, straight... the rough places, smooth...

put me in a situation where I could earn my living, pay off my debts...
take proper care of all the gifts He's blessed me with...
be in a position to do the work He has planned for me...
and NOT be a stumbling block or toxic presence in the lives of those I care for...

but it had to be His doing...
as I have proven myself untrustworthy many times...
weak, self-centered and focused not on Him and His will for me...
but on my own selfish desires for love, acceptance and all the "good things"....

so as I look back over these past 2 years...

I'm thankful for so much...

for those who cared enough to help me...
for those who have prayed for me & my financial mess...
for those who have listened to me...
for those who have told me the terrible truth about my behavior...
and how destructive it is to a relationship...

this last part may seem a strange thing to be thankful for...
but I've NEVER wanted to be oblivious to my own problems...
and, unfortunately, for nearly all of my life, have been to this one...
driving away most of those who cared for me in the process...

if I still used the kind of language I used to...
I'd say that I was,"full of s***"...

so coming face to face with the unvarnished effects of my actions...
was horribly ugly, but instead of just another painful failure...
it was truly a blessing...because it woke me up to my selfishness...
made me face the sin I tried to hide from...
gave me a chance to be healed...

as I re-read some posts, as well as many post comments and e-mails...
that I wrote over the last 2 years...
I cringe at some of the glibness, the cavalier smart ass...
anything for a cheap laugh, the smirking "... aren't I clever ?"
the egocentric, narcissistic point of view that often crossed the line...
that missed completely what the other might have been thinking or feeling...
or needed or wanted to hear or see in print...

that I was being self-centered never occurred to me..
it was all about me, my thoughts, needs, feelings...
yes, this particular post is about me...
but then, this is my blog...
blogs are online journals...
this is where it can be,"all about me"...
and the reader can just dismiss me as a self-serving jerk...

I'm also not taking a shot at anyone but myself...
just accepting the blame for my own bad actions...
and since it's my blog, I am not invading anyone's space but mine...
nor am I being "cute" or glib... just honest...

interpersonal relationships can not be all about self...
or they are neither "interpersonal" or a "relationship"...
just more narcissistic blather...
and a real "pain in the a**" for the other person...

much more trouble than anything is worth...

so during the last few months, I've finally began to see the "enemy"...
and it was looking back at me from my mirror...
one of "BC's" minions...
doing its work, creating strife...

now, I've gone through a lot of self-loathing in my life...
blaming myself for all my failures, hiding away...
when I really felt, deep down, that it,"wasn't my fault"...
"nobody liked me", "they picked on me"...
"after all, I deserved some happiness, some of the good things..."
"someone to love me, who appreciated me, so I wouldn't be alone, anymore..."

someone real, not cerebral, like God...
other people were happy... why not me ?

so it was always a big-time pity party...
with me feeling the sorriest for me...
continuing to wallow in self-pity...
nursing my wounded pride & massive ego...

[as I said before,"... full of s***"...]

I don't know why it took 60 years for me to see it...
but I had to get to a place where I valued something enough...
that I wouldn't just,"get mad", say," to H*** with them", and leave...
keeping myself squarely in the center of my own little universe...

perhaps God had done just enough work in my heart...
that He could rip the bandage off, exposing the corruption below...
letting the festering mess drain, excising the necrotic tissue...
so I could let Him heal me this time, for good...

to take away the self-centered, hyper-emotional, effluvia...
the needy urge to make myself feel loved, feel included...
disregarding completely the needs or feelings of anyone else involved...
as long as I serviced my own distorted vision of my needs...

like most narcissists, all I could see was me & my feelings...

I didn't realize just how obnoxious,["full of s***"]I was being...
I was included, it was fun, I was enjoying the feelings I was having...
and completely ignored the effect my unconsidered actions were having on others...
and it's not as if I hadn't been told...
over and over, just how obnoxious, smothering, invasive & annoying I was being...

I often didn't hear... and when hearing, didn't understand...
and paid an awful price...

unfortunately, this destructive a situation wreaks havoc on all sides...

as I began to truly see my problem...
God began to reveal the damage that I had done to others to me...

it was NOT a good time... and has taken a while to work through with Him...
just what I have to allow Him to do in my heart & mind...
what is needed to detox my personality...

it is NOT lost on me that this, is probably the reason...
that I don't yet have a job...
I used to think that it was just my money attitudes that God needed me to change...
then the job would come...
now, on the eve of the 2nd anniversary of my rebirth in Him...
I understand that He wants a totally different me...

one that trusts Him for all my needs...
enough so that I don't smother friends with my neediness...
that I can accept and love all those that He gives me to love...
in His way, which is best for them, not mine, which is best for me...

that I can of my own scheming, take-care-of-myself-first ways...
accomplish nothing He's interested in...
and in reality, it causes more harm than help...
that my compartmentalizing, focusing intently on a few things...
ignoring the rest, is NOT loving or productive...
and in the case of people, absolutely deadly...

I know that there is more insight to be had...
but I must learn to leave the work to Him...

so I'm still a work in progress...
but at least now I'm beginning to understand that it's His work...
and therefore, His progress...

it may take the rest of my life...
but I know that I don't want to be anywhere ...
or be anyone that is not in His will for me...

I've definitely had enough of causing aggravation & pain to those I care about...
to those I've angered, annoyed, pissed-off or chased away...
I am sorry, but you were a needed tool to "get my attention"...
thank you for continuing the wake-up calls, until I heard it...

I hope that someday, you can forgive me for all my self-centered crap...

in the mean time, I wait, and watch Him work...
I pray that I can accept gracefully all the changes He's making...
I don't want to be "here" again... as least, not like this...
I want to be better...
and a whole lot easier to be around...

so I wait, calm & trusting in the face of losing everything...
because He has promised to provide for me, I believe that He will...
He has also promised that all things can be made new...
in His time & way... I believe that if I trust and obey, He will...

for me, it would be impossible, for Him, a walk in the park...
as long as I believe and allow Him to work His will in me...
I hope... for "the job"... a better, more people-friendly me...
I hope... and trust... and believe...

God is good, all the time...

...the little unexpected blessings

over the last few weeks, I have waited...

God is very clear to me that He will provide all my needs...
but I must wait expectantly...
& with a thankful heart...
for His plans to be revealed...

the last several months have been a time of growth...
which is never easy, and at times, quite painful...
as I become more and more aware of my failures...
the folly of my actions and their consequences...

the more I learn about my mistakes and shortcomings...
the more I see the need for further changes...
which could lead me into a severe depression, as it did last summer...
and with only a promise of a solution...
and a real deadline looming...
I'm learning that I must fight the fear with trust...

NOT an easy thing, when all supply seems to have failed...

but during these last few weeks, some quiet...
unexpected, but good, things have happened...
things that have truly blessed me...
and given me hope & the courage to see this through...

first, there was the happy discovery...
that my mortgage payment would "skip" November...
then there was my car insurance premium that dropped by $145...
then, the utility bill for November, that was only $86...
[it's usually $106, reduced from $130...
due to their "low income" plan I qualified for...]

last week, I got my city utility bill...
[water, sewer, garbage, garden refuse]
it was only $89 for November...
it was $160 in October & $200 during the summer months...

I can't remember the last time it was so low...

it's as if God is stretching out my available funds...

I went grocery shopping on Saturday...

and though I couldn't afford a turkey [in any form...]
or any of my favorite seasonal delights...
ie eggnog, sigh...

I found a number of things I really needed...
either half-price or on sale...
most were not advertised...
so if I hadn't been "hunting"...
I wouldn't have found them...
[I have to admit, I do enjoy the "hunt"]

I should mention here that I had intended to go on Friday...
but was told to "wait"...
who knows what the difference in one day was...
I just know that it was a fruitful trip...
[and the last one for quite a while...]

the quietest blessing came this morning...

I'd been at a Renaissance group rehearsal last night...
I don't sing in every piece, since I'm the newest singer...
[BTW, just listening to the 4 of them sing the Byrd, "O Magnum..."
is a blessing all on it's own... pure purple velvet...]

so while the others were rehearsing...
[some 4 part pieces that they've done before...]
I was visiting with Mr GT ...
& enjoying some of his freshly squeezed OJ in my tea...
[I do SO love the pulp, but most OJ is too acid for me...]

I told him how I had gotten some low-acid OJ at half price...
but couldn't afford the oranges themselves, [they're never ripe anyway...]
so he offered me some of the oranges he "gleans" from his clients...
and I offered him some of my Meyer lemons...
[it's a "country thing", trading harvest bounty...]

we agreed to "a few oranges..."& "just a few lemons[6-12]"...
[citrus stores well in a cold place, not a warm house or apartment...]
the oranges & lemons are just starting to get ripe now...
and will be ripening on trees into March...

later, when I returned to the rehearsal from the restroom...
there was a bag with 6 oranges by my chair...



this morning, I peeled one for breakfast...
tossing the peel into my bedroom trash can...
it was SO ripe, juicy, sweet & mild...
the perfect orange for my sensitive system...

it also had 4 seeds, which I saved & planted...
placing the pot on a sunny window sill in my kitchen...
next to the grapefruit seedlings from last summer...
then, when I went back into my bedroom...
I was greeted with the fragrant scent from the orange peel in the trash...
a double blessing...

and that's the way it's been going lately...

little blessings, that keep blessing...

thanks again to all of you who have been...
and still are, praying for me...
you are also part of those "little blessings"...
and I pray that God will richly bless all of you...
in all you do, for your kind & caring spirits...

God is SO good, all the time...

...catching the light

I was determined to try to capture that moment...
when the angle of the declining sun...
set the foliage afire in it's autumn splendor...
I'd missed it twice, so I planned ahead...



and arrived at the park, sometime after 3 PM...
while the sun was still, "overhead"...



and shadows were just starting to lengthen...



and the leaves were just starting to glow...



as it progressed, the angle of light illuminated the trees...
& sent beams of sunlight across the grass that had been in shadow...



immolating the outstretched arms of trees...
dappling the trunks and ground with shadow & light shafts...



as I turned for home, the sun now low enough to light only tree tops...
lit up the turning leaves down the street...
making a kaleidoscope of distant trees...



now, with the sun rapidly dropping...
only the leaves of trees on my street were lit...
but what lighting !

I walked on into the deepening shadows...
accompanied by the loud chatter of birds...
settling into the sun-lit leaves for the night...
a raucous, but joyful establishment of the best roosting places...



the final glory... a Chinese pistachio across the street...

between a dead sycamore and a power pole...
amidst more than the usual residential clutter...
it blazes away, consumed in the final moments of the light...
much more intensely than at any other time of the day...
when it merely smolders...

God is good...All the time...
but especially in the fall...

...requiescat in pace, Deacon Millie

remembering Millie with thanksgiving...

for a life well-lived...
a fight well-fought...
a journey complete...
sufferings over...

at home now, with Jesus...

rest in peace...
we will miss you, but look forward to seeing you again...