...still hangin' on

well, we're down to 1 lone leaf left on the liquid amber tree...



a bit faded, but still burning with the last of the fall intensity...
hanging on through storms with their winds & rain...
glowing still in the dank gray foggy days...
almost swallowed-up now by the grapefruit tree with its ripening fruit...

sort of like me... still hanging on...
despite all the attempts by BC to knock me down...
or shove me head first into a pit of worry & despair...

God has promised to provide ALL my needs if I trust only in Him...
which is easier than it sounds...
because I have no other resources of any other kind...

I have seen Him cause so many wonderful things to happen lately...
not just all the "little blessings" He's been showering me with...
but those many blessings that I see daily...
in the lives of others I know who are trusting in Him to provide...

though I have no definite paying prospects at all...
I am able to keep somewhat busy with helping out here & there...
all of which blesses my spirit, nourishes my soul...
and if the way I feel after the work-out on Saturday is any indication...
[not at all sore today...]very good for my body as well...

I feel myself going through a profound change...
I suppose that it will be a real change when & if others see it...
but there is something different...
I'm just not sure yet, what it is...

I seem to have finally been able to walk away from the self-loathing issues...

whenever an opportunity arises to get down on myself...
it's just not there anymore...

I've had a couple of epiphanies in my 60+ years...
but this may be the most life-changing...

I wrote in an earlier post about a person that God sent to "wake me up"...
I referred to them as, "The Voice of Reckoning"[TVOR]...

I know that this person thinks of themself...
as having been "mean & nasty" to me, not a good friend at all...
[because they told me so...]

yet I consider this person quite the opposite of that...
such a good friend...
[perhaps, the best I've ever known...]
because God sent them to tell me the hard truths about myself...
and to hold me accountable for my behavior...

and they did not shirk their duties...

after much stupidity on my part & getting on their last nerve...
their quite justifiable anger got my attention...
forcing me to face myself and the pain I caused them by my self-loathing...

and although they were not speaking to me for months...
I realized that through that long estrangement period...
they were still praying for me...

pure grace...

to put themself in that obnoxious position...
of being frustrated and totally pissed-off at me...
just because they were trying to help...
while I was being a such a jerk...

sending terse, cryptic messages...
trying to communicate through their anger...
then finally, just letting me "stew in my own juices"...
until I started to "get it"...

no one else had ever been that faithful a friend before...

either people just gave up & walked away without a word...
didn't tell me what was wrong because they didn't want to hurt me or get involved...
[allowing the relationship to stagnate & die...]
or they got angry, left & never spoke to me again...

how like God to send just the right person...
NOT to just feel sorry for me or "enable" my excuses...
but to hold me accountable for my behavior...
to cause me to see just how much I needed fixing...
and to tell me exactly what was wrong...
even though it was not fun for them...

so you see,"TVOR", all that you considered being,"not a good friend"...
was for me, being "a very good friend"[perhaps the best I could have had...]


because God sent you and you did your job, faithfully...
He has helped me to further understand and work on the problems...

I'm certainly not finished yet... but I think things are better...
I do apologize for all I've put you through & hope you can forgive me...

you were custom-crafted by our Father to help me...
in a way that no one else ever has or could...
all because you have a kind & beautiful, servant spirit...
may God continue to richly bless all you do, my friend...

God is Good, indeed...