...stepping back from the edge

to say that I have not been here...
would be to lessen the deliverance of God...



I was, until yesterday when a source of funding opened-up for me...
literally a couple of hundred $'s & a few days from defaulting on my debts...
with bigger problems affecting my home, looming on the horizon...

I had several, "maybe" jobs... none of which seem to be forthcoming...
and my latest round of job applications have garnered NO responses...
[although, I suppose that no reply at all could be considered a response...]

then last Monday, a possibility of access to funds...
that had NOT been available to me at all...
gave me hope, though I was poised on the edge of bankruptcy...
and yesterday, that hope proved to be God's will for me...



I still need a job, but these funds will keep, "the specter of homelessness"...
at bay for more than a year, if I'm careful & a good steward...
if I can find even a part-time job within that time...
then I can work to retire my debt & create a safer financial place...



just like even in the midst of the cold, stormy & wet winter we're having here...
[which I am loving, BTW... storms, cold, rain, snow in the mountains...]
the "early red leaf plum is blooming... in late January...
with only fleeting hours of sunshine, between storms, to urge it on...
while all other buds are still closed tight against the cold, pelting rains...

I feel the release of answered prayer & God's loving provisions...
I also feel the stinging goad of bc, as he seeks to spoil my peace...
but I have learned now to recognize his mean-spirited attempts...
to destroy the peace & keeping God provides...

I try to maintain an attitude of gratefully waiting...
for the next blessing, not the next problem...
all the while, peacefully bobbing & weaving...
trying not to let the nasty "surprises" bc is tossing in my path...
spoil my joy at God's faithfulness...

I see this more & more in my life, as well as with others I know...
who also are living a life where they "trust" and have seen God provide...
& since reading some comments of C.S.Lewis on this phenomenon...
I have come to understand the insidious nature of the enemy better...

he not only wants to, "kill us, just to see us die"...
he wants to ruin our joy, destroy our faith & peace...
and just lead us into being miserable...
when we should be rejoicing in God's goodness...

the phenomenon being that whenever God blesses a believer...
with answered prayer, abundance, things "going very well"...
or the manifestation of a heart's desire as reality...
that's when bc attacks at our weakest line of defense...

our most insecure places, the hurt not quite healed...
a fear that still lurks, just below our level of consciousness...
often some of our oldest, life-long problems...
being left, being alone because there is no one to "care"...
not being appreciated or well-treated by those we love...

at this point, a simple,"go away, Satan", generally doesn't cut it...

like a persistent cat who MUST GO OUT, NOW !
bc uses every trick & prompt in his arsenal...
to get your mind focused off of God's goodness, & onto yourself...
but if you can, and this is not ever easy...
you must find things to praise & thank God for...

leaving self-pity, self-absorption & self, in general...
at the foot of the cross, on the altar, as an praise offering...

even if you are very upset, angry or hurt...
you MUST turn to praise...
it may take a while, but it is the only way to send bc away...

so as I find myself thanking God for His provision for me...
and am able, with His help to "step back" from the edge...
I have been bombarded by bc... in the most hurtful ways possible...
trying SO hard to ruin my joy & peace at God's deliverance...

and I'm attempting to follow my own advice...
turning to thankfulness & praise...
in the face of bc's nasty onslaught...
and I am feeling better...

but I'm pretty sure that bc's NOT given up yet...
however, God is God... all the time...
and He is good... all the time...