...confessions of a grouch

I'm a generation too old to have grown up with Sesame Street...
they didn't hit the airways until I was almost out of college [1969]...
I grew up watching "Howdy Doody" & "The Mickey Mouse Club"...
so I never got to identify with "Oscar, the Grouch"...

my dad, however, whom I seemed to have gotten my melancholy from...
always called himself, a misanthrope...

mis·an·thrope (mĭs'ən-thrōp', mĭz'-)
n. One who hates or mistrusts humankind.
[French, from Greek mīsanthrōpos, hating mankind : mīso-, miso- + anthrōpos, man.]

growing up out in the country, spending a lot of time alone...
I never learned the social skills most people do...
and as a result, was always uncomfortable & awkward around people...
finally deciding, after a number of failed relationships...
that I was better off alone...



I was able to "play the part" as a teacher & working musician...
but the stress of dealing with people always wore me out...
and after I retired, I really began to be isolated...
and I didn't even try to be "nice" to people anymore...

it just took too much energy...



so I just got deeper & deeper into that hole...
since I've written about this before, I won't rehash it now...
suffice it to say that God had other plans for me...
& sent some folks to rescue me from myself...

that was only the beginning of the journey for me...
which has continued and is still evolving at this point...
what I find interesting, is how, as my perspective has changed...
my realization of how much farther I still have to go...
has become much more defined, specific & even a bit daunting...

I still find myself wanting to be, "left alone"...
especially after a stressful day or when I physically, "hurt"...
[poor Molly & the kitties get told to,"GO AWAY !!!"...
& since they're used to it, they just go & wait for me to feel better...]

and I still tend to loose my temper...
[bc lays traps for me... & I fall into them with regularity...]
and there are times when all I want...
is to be left ALONE...

so that nothing can disturb the symmetry of my "perfect" world...
no challenge to my control or things that don't happen to suit me...

have you ever hollered at an inanimate object ?
I have...

lately, I find myself having less and less of those episodes...
and as I look back, I realize that I've found a peace...
which seems to be able to deal with the stress...
the discomfort & awkwardness of dealing with people...

getting my focus off of how I felt...
and onto the situation or other persons has been helpful...
but the bottom line is that I'm changing...
and a lot of things that I just had to really work hard at...
to do at all... are not so hard anymore...

people can still drive me crazy & stress me out...
setting up an opportunity for bc to snare me in one of his morasses...
[I hate hearing him cackle after I take the bait & explode...]

I have discovered that even when I "slip" back into one of my old funks...
stopping what I'm doing, finding a quiet place...
and then just finding something to be thankful to God for...
will start the ball rolling...

and before I know it, I'm feeling better...
the anger is gone, the stress is gone...
the fear is gone...
[because that's always the bottom line for me...]

before...

I'd start thinking of the "worst case scenarios"...
because I've seen it all fall apart so many times...
and I'd become afraid of what might happen...
and the fear begot anger over what I might have to deal with...

and I'd get more upset because I didn't want to have to deal with it...
and pretty soon, I'd be so grouchy & taking people's heads off...
that no one wanted to deal with me...
which was fine with me, 'cause I didn't want to deal with them either...

all because I was afraid of having to deal with something going wrong...

all the drama ruining my life was NOT reality...
it was all constructed from my over-active emotions...

I didn't want things to go wrong & require my efforts or attention...
but by becoming upset at what might happen...
I was making it all so much worse for myself...
just by being so pessimistic...

now, I hate playing games...
and anyone who knows me, will tell you...
I HATE BEING TOLD TO SMILE...
so I am not, by nature, the sort who would just let things...
"run off their back" or just not let things "get" to them...

so having come to this place where I can control my emotions...
and frame of mind, even to this degree...
shows some personal growth...

what's scary is that I wasn't aware of all that needed to be done...
and really how simple it would be to make these changes...
becoming aware of how I was allowing myself to be manipulated by bc...
was the real key... then I just had to stop the explosions...
or at least recognize them for what they were and shorten them...

as soon as I had stopped myself from spiraling down into the depths of anger...
fueled by fear and frustration at what I was SURE was going to go wrong...
and chased bc away,[sometimes, he's really persistent, then I'll laugh at him...]
I was really surprised at just how quickly my anger would fade...
when I stopped "projecting fear" of what might happen onto the situation...
[stopped wallowing in my anger and just let it go...]



there are still some dark times... and the path isn't always clear...
but it's there... I may not be sure of the direction...
but there's always enough light to see the next step...
[as long as I'm not afraid of what might happen...
or angry that something may go wrong...]



I'm sure that I'll be a "work in progress" for a while yet...

I'll get angry, have doubts & fears...
be exhausted from having to "deal" with people & situations...
even want to be left alone when I've had enough...
but there is a peace & a thankfulness there that I've not known before...

God is good... all the time...