...wait... there's more ?

well... I've worked through Dad...
and Mom...
but there's more percolating down there....
in the
"still shadowy" places in my soul...



I believe that God, in three persons, loves me...
I have friends that love me...to varying degrees...
I have kitties who love me...
[they KNOW who buys the cat food...]


I can even say that I love myself...
but do I really believe it... ?

I know that I'm a "good" person...
I know that I have some admirable qualities...
but since I live with "me"...
I know how annoying I CAN be...

and therein, lies the "rub"...
I don't want to annoy anyone....
[well, maybe there are one or two ...
that I don't care if I annoy...
but that's not who I want to be...]

as I have been "wallowing" in my past...
all my failures in relationships of any kind...
keep coming "back"...
reminding me of all the pain...and guilt...

so much positive change has happened...
but... I still get the feeling ...
that I need SO much more work...
and it's daunting...to say the least...

"...I'm SO confused..."

maybe I try too hard...maybe not hard enough...
maybe I expect too much from myself...
maybe I'm just not meant to be a person ...
that others want to choose to spend time with...

perhaps I need to ask God to give me "peace"...
"grace" ...in my isolation...
be happy that I'm no longer ...
going to be annoying anyone if I'm alone...
and just get used to it...
[great ! ... now I sound not only annoying...but whiney, too...]







or maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself...
I fully believe that the God of 11th hour rescues...
and unbelievable miracles...
CAN...if He chooses to...
make me no longer a "thorn in the side"...
a "pain-in-the-neck...[or lower...]
or just plain annoying...

I've asked Him to...
I don't know if it's working...
revisiting all my failures the last day or so...
hasn't helped my confidence at all...

I know that being convinced...
of my complete worthlessness...
and total inability to be lovable...
for years past the time I spent at home...
has taken a horrific toll on my self-esteem...

what do I mean by "annoying" ?
I can be, "loquacious"...[talk too much...]
but not because I want to be the center of attention...
I just have a lot I want to share...
but that's an excuse...
and I don't do that anymore...

I'm often uncomfortable around a lot of people...
having NO clue as to how to make "chit-chat"...
so I either "babble"...or "clam up"....

I generally say what I think...
and mean what I say...
regardless of whom I'm talking to...

I don't "play games"...
polite social or otherwise...
I have never been able to "suffer fools"...
gladly...or any other way...

I often feel very awkward ...
around people I don't know well...
I don't EVER know "the latest..."
and am "clueless" about pop culture...

or maybe... I'm just boring...
and besides all the negative things...
perhaps I have no real positive things to offer...
having few "social graces"...
can make a person quite unattractive to others...

whatever my faults...
for the first time in my life...
I know what it means to feel that Jesus...
IS my best friend...

and perhaps, as I move on through this seemingly
unending series of needed transformations...
I'll get to that place where I WON'T be annoying...
[it can't come soon enough for me...]

I know God has a "plan"...
I also trust Him to implement it...
until then...
I'll try to keep my "self" under control...

I'll need help... but God is good...