...I must decrease...

it seems to be another one of those moments...

I've had a lot of them in the last few months...

I must go somewhere that I don't want to go...
somewhere deep in my head...
back... into a place filled with spiders and cobwebs...
and failure...and pain...
and deep, deep sorrow...
at the loss of "me"...
and who I always was...
and wanted to be...

just as an abscess must be drained to heal...
these wounds must be opened...
the pain and failure given to Jesus...
before I can be healed...

I know this...
but that doesn't make it any easier...

I don't think of this place often...
actually...
since I don't "go there," anymore...
[the place the pain and frustration hide..]
I don't have to think of it at all...


and on the occasion that this place would "come up"...
I've always had several "plausible" excuses to avoid being "there"...

until now, that is...

because I made a promise to someone...
a promise to do something...
[ something that I had avoided like the plague...]
if "certain" circumstances came to pass...

circumstances that neither of us
really expected to see happen...
anytime soon...

that was about 4 months ago...
and tonight...
the circumstances that would "never" happen...
will happily come to pass...

I was so pleased that "it" was happening...
the ramifications of it all, snuck up on me...
blindsiding me with a panic attack...
throwing me into a desolate place...
my fears and "issues"...became the stones
that I had always found blocking me from happiness...





there are so many things running through my mind...
none of them pleasant...

all the failure... conflict... bad feelings... stress... envy...

people I don't want to deal with...
a place I don't want to be...
anger... hurt feelings... frustrations...
horrendous turmoil... emotions seething...
it's all too much... I just want it to stop !

fortunately for me... I'm NOT that person anymore...
and before I choke on the sulphurous smoke,
billowing from my smoldering soul...
before I dissolve in tears of depression...
and start re-digging "that hole"...




I turn to God... in prayer...
I ask for His peace...
and I wait...
resting in the Lord...

and then... the "quiet" voice speaks to me...
reminding me that He'll take it all...
if I let Him...

those feelings were in a different life...
if I forgive all those things I've held on to...
poisoning my heart for so long...
He will forgive me for being that person...
[actually, He already has...]

it is ALWAYS my choice...
to be "earthbound" by grudges... unfulfilled desires...
closed doors... being mistreated... hurt feelings...

or to give them all to Him...
forgive... forget... and move on...
on the path He has shown me...
not always easy...
but very clear...



we can spend our life making excuses...
giving "reasons" for our behavior...
"justifying" our mistreatment of others...
because we were mistreated first...
and for a long time...

letting down or hurting people who care about us...
and blaming everyone else for our behavior...

"nobody was ever nice to me, so..."
"I had a dysfunctional childhood..."
"they all made fun of me..."
"I have a right to be who I am..."
"this was my only refuge...now it's gone..."

or we can face our self... our sin...
and take ALL our flaws and "rough edges",
to the One... who can make us,
"who" we have always been meant to be...

someone who can give... and love...
without a thought for themselves...
someone who will put an other's needs or desires...
above their own desires or needs...
someone who will love their neighbor...
as themselves...

THIS...is who I want to be...
and God has His hands full...
but, thankfully...
He's more than equal to the task...

I've let "me", get in the way before...
used my unhappy experiences or mistreatment by others...
as an excuse to focus on me...
to the detriment of a relationship...

I didn't "mean" to do that then...
I was just too self-involved...
to see what I was doing...
and I certainly don't ever want to do that again...

as He increases in my life...
"I"...that is, my "self"... decreases...
[this is how I've come to realize...
just how self-centered I was before...]

the person I want to be...
puts God first... others next ...
and myself, last...
I know that this
is the path to happiness for me...
as well as most of the rest of us...

and so, I'll be there tonight...
a lot more comfortable than
I would have thought I'd be...
just hours ago, all thing's considered...
[thank you, Jesus...]

after all...it's not about me tonight...
it's about about keeping a promise...
it's about being there to support someone
who has been very faithful in supporting me...
to share her success...
and to praise God for ALL His many blessings...
in both our lives...



"I will lift up my eyes to the Lord...
from whence cometh my help..."

post script...
the concert was amazingly "stress free"...
[hummmm....]
and my friend not only sang
as beautifully as I knew she would...
she was magnificent....
more than worth all the machinations I put myself through...
just getting "there"...
BRAVA, Miz Minka !
[canticum, ergo sum...]