...new chapter...old verses

"after long enough of being alone...
everyone must face their share of loneliness...
in my own time, nobody knew...
the pain I was going through...
and waiting was all my heart could do..."





"hope was all I had, until You came...
can You really know, how much You mean to me ?
You were the dawn, breaking the night...
the promise of morning light...
filling the world surrounding me...
when I am with You..."





I had completely forgotten
about the verses of "Only Yesteday"...
it was the chorus that I quoted a few days ago...

in the muddled state I've been in...
the verses came back to me ...
with such astonishing clarity...
that I decided to use them in a post...

only later did I realize the connection...
[hummmm]

I think that I see a light at the end of the tunnel...
I've been struggling for a couple of days...
as usual...trying too hard to be "right"...perfect...
and becoming frustrated and despondent because I can't ....





God watched me flounder... probably thinking, "not again..."
and then...because I spend more time with Him now...
He took me to a reading in a devotional book...
that made it very clear that if I was His...
then my affairs were His...and He would set them in order...

if I would just trust Him to...
and stop "mucking about"... getting in the way ...
and delaying His establishment of order ...
from my chaos...



I've often had a dream where I am riding over a bridge...
that dips down into and below the surface of the ocean...
[think the high rise of the San Mateo Bridge...going East...]
and that's part of the feeling I have at this point...





like I'm on some roller coaster on steroids...
strapped-in..heading on a scary, unknown ride...
into "dangerous" uncharted territory...
still confused and uncertain of the outcome...
but confident in my "guide"...






I'm taking "baby steps"... one at a time...
holding on to His hand... not a clue as to ...
where... or ... how...
only the why...
[because that's what He wants me to do...]

I, who need to "plan ahead"[the future]...
love anything historical...[the past]...
and have NEVER, to my knowledge...
lived "in the moment"...

am going into "the moment"...
with my eyes "wide shut"...
trusting completely in Him ...
and His plan for me...

for those of you who know me...
this should be, interesting...
to say the least...




if you know me...you may know that I suffer from vertigo...
and am NOT happy anywhere near the edge of anything...
and if that edge is "up high"... I'm petrified...

I used to have a reoccurring dream about being on the top
of a 100+ story building...as it started to sway...
leaving me scrambling to keep from falling off...
but I always fell...and would wake up trembling...

so standing here...
on the edge of my "known world"...
is terrifying... or it would be...
completely terrifying...
if He wasn't holding my hand...




so...with some trepidation ...I ooze over the edge...slowly...
just to take a look around... then ooze back...
but He's not happy...where's the trust...?
I've been oozing slowly all my life...and it hasn't worked...
it's time for a real "leap of faith"...


I don't think I like where this is leading...





I've done it now... gone too far...
there can be NO turning back after this point...
like climbing out of that hole....

just like then...I have nothing to lose...
and only my life...
as He would have me live it...to gain...

"it's time to leave the past, with all it's tears behind..."
"to throw my sadness away..."

to "live in the moment"...
trusting everything to the One ...
who will make me whole...

see you on the other side...