..."a very, merry, un-birthday...."

today, is my "half-birthday"....
when I was a kid...
being "something & a half"...
was a big deal....
especially...if you were
the 2nd youngest in your class....

but it's also one of those "big" milestones...
I'm now "officially" old enough...
to access the money in my TSA....

I'm also in the last 6 months of this decade of my life...
where has the time gone ?

for the last couple of days...
the acrid traces of sulphur have been my nemesis...

my journey over the last 5 months...
[Thanksgiving was 5 months ago, today...]
has equipped me well for the battle...
but the enemy is very stealthy...
and he NEVER gives up...

he prowls about...and waits...
when he spots a weakness....
that's when the sulphur starts to waft... silently...
seeping into your soul...

reminding you of the pain you've felt...
the pain you've caused...especially that which was unintentional...
because that will hurt you most deeply...
triggering a descent into depression...

I have learned to identify the signs of malevolent infestation....
and when I feel the gloom and accompanying grief...
I command the enemy to leave...and think of all my blessings...
this never fails to bring a smile to my face...
along with joy... and peace, to my heart...

but he is a persistent devil...
and soon...he's baaaack...
even more stealthy...obfuscating the origins
of the ever-inching forward anxieties...
until I am once again aware of pain...and guilt...

this time , I'm not "messing around"....
I pray... asking God to remove these feelings and thoughts...
IF THEY ARE NOT FROM HIM...
and give me peace...

then I focus on all the marvelous things
that I have seen God do...
in the past 5 months...
the past 5 weeks...
the past 5 days...

I'm smiling again... and then I realize...
the knot in my stomach is gone...
even more gratitude fills my soul...
my heart sings...my smile is broader...

all I smell, is the lentil soup cooking on the stove...

what makes all this "tricky"...
is that during my "re-construction period"...
God will bring me into an acute awareness...
of things I need to "forgive and forget"...

my current "project"...my childhood/formative years...
is underway ... and I DO have moments of clarity...
and deep pain when contemplating my parents...

I found myself wondering why all the "transformational" activity...
did not really begin until Mom was gone...
she wasn't the "yeller"...or the one we "lived in fear of"...
she always loved me and wanted me to be happy...

and then it hit me...
I had come to terms with Dad...
by the time he died...
I had forgiven and forgotten everything...

Mom... was a different story....
I've just, today, become aware of her complicity...
in the mess I am/was...

it's not that I didn't, at some deep level, know it...
I just didn't want to believe it...

She abrogated her responsibility as a parent...
she couldn't deal with her own pain...so she hid...
she sent me in to be the "buffer"...
because she was unable to help him...

I was a child...
I needed and deserved love and protection...
I was given anxiety... fear... pain... and guilt...
I learned to hide my feelings from everyone...
especially myself...
I learned to build walls... to not trust or be "open", with anyone...
I learned that eating makes you feel "accepted"...
maybe... even loved...

do I think she should have taken us and left him ?
there were times...
times... especially when I was older...
that the pain and turmoil was unbearable...

Dad was in persistent physical pain ...
as well as 79 different kinds of emotional anguish...

as a result of her actions...or inactions...
I gained weight...learning to use food...
as a buffer for fear and pain...
it made you, "feel good again"...

if I didn't want to do something...
[dishes...homework...go to bed before midnight...]
I just joined Dad, watching TV...
and I was "untouchable"....
[also immune from his sarcastic putdowns...
as long as I was "with him"...]

as Mom saw me gaining weight...
she would nag me about what I ate...
joining Dad also put a stop, however brief, to that...
"leave her alone... she's fine", he would say...
as close to acceptance as it got with him...

as I left home for college...[I was 17...]
and returned less and less...
things stayed pretty much the same...

the summer of 1967, before my second year of college...
was the last time I was home for more than a couple of weeks...
until I moved back to CA in 1978...

in that August of 1967, while I was home...
Dad tried to end his life...

he took heavy pain medication as well as sleeping pills...
all prescription, but "over used" to the point of rendering them less effective...
so he had to take them "more often" for relief...

one hot August night, just before I was to return to school...
he started taking pills...extra pills...
since he had been in a foul mood for days...
I had assumed my position in a chair near him...
to try to ease his bad temper...

unknown to me at the time, my presence distracted him from his "schedule"...
and he fell asleep before he could take the final fatal dose...
I tried to wake him when I went to bed...he was "out"...
I went into Mom's room, to tell her that I couldn't wake him...
"just let him sleep there", she said angrily...

since he often slept in his chair...
waking on his own to go to his bed very early in the morning...
I didn't think much of it...

very early... about dawn... Mom woke me...
"your Dad's taken pills...he tried to kill himself..."
she had found him still asleep... and had checked the pills...
finding too many missing, she had called the ambulance...
who had come and already taken him to the hospital...

she went to the hospital...
I had to return to school...
she called later and told me
that he was going to be all right...
and that my presence...
had prevented him from succeeding...

he would live another 10 years...
and they were better years for my folks...
they did manage to reconnect...
and in the last year or so of Dad's life ...
they were pretty content...

my relationship with Dad was unchanged...
although I didn't see the angry outbursts anymore...
and he actually spoke on the phone to me once or twice...
so I guess you could say, he mellowed...
but he was never happy...

once, Mom said to me that it was all her fault..
[meaning the turmoil that we grew-up in...]
that she should have done something...
she was so stricken by grief, at that moment...
I reacted by saying,"no...it's not your fault... don't worry..."

as I reflect back...it was the only thing I could say...then...

now... I need to forgive her and forget...

and I do...

"a very, merry, un-birthday" to me...

God is so good...