..."only yesterday..."

I "time traveled" yesterday...
visited a previous existence...
even if only briefly...

I saw people I hadn't seen for a long time...
but used to spend my life working with...
fellow musicians... colleagues... brothers-in-arms...
"... for he who sheds his blood with me,
is my brother..."
and we all "shed a lot of blood"...

but something was different...

all seemed truly glad to see me...but that isn't new...
they all looked older...don't we all...
they all looked very tired...
and many spoke of "retiring"...
the way one speaks of an impending death...
in lowered voices... with resignation...

and we chatted about how I missed "playing"...
but I didn't miss the endless rehearsals...
[understanding nods... friendly chuckling...]

the grinding pressure to keep up your "chops"...
and the increasingly difficult task of rising to "the standard"...
[now, it's me, nodding and chuckling sympathetically...]

and the rapidly dwindling numbers of "people"
we know, still "playing"...
looking around and not recognizing everyone...
looking around and seeing all the people...
who are no longer here with us...

when you have spent your life from age 8 or 9...
doing a technical, physical activity...
that also requires great musical talent...
besides tremendous mental, physical,
spiritual and emotional discipline...

and now you contemplate ceasing that activity...
or worse...are "retired" before you're ready...
it is quite a situation to find yourself in...
you are lost... adrift... undone...
once that line is crossed...
you can never "go home again"...

I am blessed in a way few instrumentalists are blessed...
I "retired" before I disintegrated as a player...
[for the most part, anyway...]
and since I still could sing...
AND had a "singing gig"...
I still had an outlet for my highly developed musical tastes...

I could play trumpet in a "community band"...
[no thanks... never my favorite thing...]
I'd like to find a small group to play "with"...
[a brass quintet, perhaps...easier said than done...]

trumpet doors may still open...somewhere...
but right now, it's the singing doors that are open...
and I'm truly grateful to God for that blessing...

so what was different
when I was with my former colleagues ?

it was me...
I am different...

most said that I looked good...
what they were seeing wasn't my improved health or appearance
as much as it was the presence of peace...
and the relaxed smile on my face...

gone the melancholy... the depression...
the insecurity... the bitterness...
the frustration... the exhaustion...

as I am transitioning "states of existence"...
[from earth-bound to soaring free...]
metamorphosing into the "new" me, if you will...
I find that I have more energy than I've had in years...

so perhaps, some musical doors will open for me again...

it is so hard...
to know, understand and hear music so clearly...
and no longer have the venue to "do it"...

when I walked into the concert last night...
I ran into a friend from years ago... at a previous church job...
we sat together...and in the process of "catching-up"...
I said that "attending concerts was difficult for me..."

she surprised me by saying,"...it must be very frustrating
for you to come to these kinds of things and not be performing..."
"...especially after all those years of making music..."
"...to have to just listen, when you want to be doing it..."

that's when I realized that she was the 2nd person
that God had sent to help me through that concert...
[and there would be others...]
the first was a friend and fellow trumpeter...
[with whom I worked for years...]
who I met in the parking lot...and had walked in with...

I greeted several others and was "conveniently engaged"
in conversation, when my friend that I was there to hear...
walked in...right past me...

I wasn't trying to hide from her...
but I was pretty sure that she wasn't expecting me
to be there...
so I was trying to not be any kind of distraction,
as she had a couple of featured roles to sing...
and professional musicians don't disturb
each other's focus before such events....

after the first featured role, my friend from years before
looked at me and said, " she's good..."
I was grinning from ear to ear...and nodded,"unh,huh !"...
after the second featured role, we looked at each other...
"really good", I whispered...she nodded and agreed, "really good"...

as I sit here now...
remembering the surprise on my talented friend's face...
when she saw me after the concert...
"you came.. !" she said...
and I reminded her of my promise of several months ago...

I'm also prompted to think of all that God has done...
in all of our lives in the last few months...
and I know there's more to come...
because God is so good...

and then, I'm reminded of a song by The Carpenters...

"only yesterday, when I was sad and I was lonely...
you taught me the way to leave the past and all it's tears behind...
tomorrow's going to be much brighter than today...
'cause I threw my sadness away...
only yesterday..."