...wandering in the wilderness

Lent...a time of reflection & introspection...

wandering in the wilderness populated by fear...
and personal failures...shortcomings...
lack of being a good steward...
and all the consequences that come with that...

being tired of feeling out of place...
never knowing what to say or do...
always saying or doing the wrong things...
getting on people's nerves, creating problems...

and as a result of all this inability to be "with people"...
being left out and feeling lonely...
so you end up just wanting to be left alone...
because the pain is more manageable that way...

same battle, frightening new parameters...

the economic downturn has crashed my fiscal safety net...
and once again, because I'm not good at dealing with finances...
fear is circling me...
like a ravening wolf around a slowly dying fire...

so I am wandering, carrying a torch to keep fear at bay...
while I look for the path out of this mess...

I've come across several, but they aren't, "the way"...
and I am confused...
I fight the fear...
with the light of trust in God...

but there's that nasty voice in my head that reminds me...
that I had plenty...I just was not a good steward of it...
and I, like the "prodigal son"...
will have to live with the consequences...

I also know that there's no miracle God can't accomplish...
no "last minute rescue" He won't "pull off"...
and the "message" I get, is to keep trusting...

the way of "the faltering step & uncertain future"...
is the way of faith...His way...

there is no question in my mind...
that I want to be...
who...and what... and where...
He wants me to be...

no question at all...

just...

HOW...do I get there?...

is there something I'm supposed to be doing?

what's next?...

I think I need a job...I know I need more income...

but where? doing what ?...

any job I've ever had that was worth the effort...
came from God...and they ALL had lessons to teach me...
as well as a purpose beyond the mere money I earned...

I left the school district to save my life...
that door is shut in my mind & in actuality...

the economic crisis will soon flood the area...
with much younger, laid-off teachers...
to take any of those jobs...
that I might have taken, but know would kill me...

libraries are worse off than schools, so that's out...

and now, even music is no longer providing me with any income...

so, once again...I'm wandering in the wilderness...
surrounded by all the stuff I've wasted my resources on...
the vast majority of which I can't sell...
because no one wants it...

waiting... to be led...

believing I will be...

& brandishing the remains of my torch...
at the fearful demons circling me...

for not all who wander are lost..