Saturday, February 14, 2009

...bah, humcat [aka, the light at the end of the tunnel...]



I suppose it was bound to happen as the bathroom project ended...
the February blahs seem to be settling in...
but with all that needs to be done for Lent, etc...
I'm just going to have to "get over it"...

I feel not only the pressure of things needing my attention...
but also the constrictions of my current disability...
which has set itself, right in my path...
generally, a sign to wait for "guidance"...

but as you'll see, I'm not yet sure what it means...
in this case, anyway...

I need to get myself back into the weight loss mode again...
including a regular exercise program...
so I need to get back to walking with Molly...
which means seriously training her to NOT pull me...

I feel winter slipping away without being memorialized...
[aka, I am getting a massive case of "click-click" fever...]

the IRS panic is gnawing at me...
I've already paid SO much this year...
and I may owe more...

I lost a lot of "capital", just like everybody...
but I can't replace what I lost...
and the money is running out too fast...
so if I have to pay a lot more to the IRS, I'm toast...

I am also getting a bit of cabin/de-cluttering fever...
I'm really tired of the mess/clutter in the LR/DR & office...
from the bath redo and the rearrangement of furniture that entailed...
and then there's the kitchen, with the sink full of dishes...
[I haven't found a way to keep my hand dry while washing dishes...
not to mention that I can't hold on to much of anything...]

I can fumble my way through the laundry...
collecting trash & cleaning the cat boxes...
Fluff even "allows" me to medicate her eye...

I can go to the store...carry certain things...
but forget yardwork, house work or cooking...
[& since every dish I own is now dirty...
even heating up stuff is really hard...]

in the past, at this point, I'd just eat out...
but I'm somehow, just not in the mood"...
not to mention that I can't use silverware with my left hand...
just eating my FFer's bacon & eggs on Saturday...
was really difficult...

the problem comes from the "wire" still in my finger...

because of it protruding out the side...
my finger is thickly wrapped...
and can't be allowed to get wet...
I'm also limited in how much pressure, and what kind...
I can put on my left hand due to interlocking muscles, etc...

the thickness of the bandage...
makes all rubber/latex gloves too small...
[even "food service" gloves...]
so to try to keep it dry when I shower...
I try to wrap it in plastic bags...
so far, I haven't found the right method...

keeping it dry as the incision heals is important...
but the "open" end of the wire is problematical...
'cause if it gets wet, all sorts of bad things could happen...

so to avoid a septic infection and excessive pain...
[have I mentioned that it always hurts ? sometimes a lot ?]
especially when it's cold, which is often...
my fingerless gloves help to an extent...
in that they keep the hand warm...

but when the finger gets cold, which is often...
it just aches...

I have to be very careful what I do with it until 3/5, at least...

that's my next appointment...
a month after the surgery...
and the doctor had told me that the "wire"...
would be in place "for about a month"...
so I'm expecting that it will be removed around then...

if you think that I'm exaggerating...
or being a whiner...
try this experiment...

take a popsicle stick or something rigid, about 2-3" long...
tape it to the underside of the middle finger on your left hand...
immobilizing the middle joint...
then wrap gauze or an Ace bandage around it...
until it measures 5" around...and 3" long...

remembering that you cannot get it wet...
then, go about your day...
tie your shoes, wash dishes by hand...
any number of things...

you will soon see that it is unwieldy and a big inconvenience...

now...

imagine that you also have only half a thumb on your right hand...
and that your bandaged finger just plain hurts, most of the time...
because instead of an external immobilizing factor...
you have a thick piece of wire, inside, your finger...

EEEEWWWWWWWWWW!

OK...OK... "pity party" over...

time to "suck it up" & move on...

or as in Fr N's terrific sermon today...
move forward...boldly ask God to "make me clean, inside & out"...
so His plans for me can be realized fully...

to not just sit here as I have been doing...
and ask Him to "fix me"...
to go to Him, to take the leap of faith...
and claim the inner & outer cleansing...
then walk away from what falls off of me...
towards the path He's going to show me...

after all, if I hang around that hole...
slipping back in isn't too far a reach...

I need to leave all the debris of doubt & fear...
the guilt, failure, pain & loneliness...
the poisons of self-loathing & self-destructiveness...
the crutches of things, food & feelings...

"gluttony, avarice, pride, sloth, lust, anger, envy..."

there's a reason they're called the 7 Deadly Sins...
they are the killers of the soul...
the things that come between a soul and God...

in short, my destructive "self"...

and in boldly claiming His cleansing of my "self"...

of the removal of all those things that I used to clutch on to...

for all these things to be "cleansed" from me...

all washed away, for good...

and then, I must walk away from the debris...
into the light...
with a calm mind & a solid belief in His path...
as being the only way for me...

that I will be lead...
and that those things I leave behind...
were only holding me, as well as those I deal with, back...

then I will truly be, clean...

a new creation...and useful to God...

more of Jesus... less of me...

sounds like a plan...

or a light at the end of the tunnel...

6 comments:

The Calico Quilter said...

People who do not deal with disabilities daily (or with loved ones with disabilities) do not understand just how hard normal activities can be without full use of "everything" - even a finger or a thumb can undo your efforts. My husband had polio as a child - enough said. I get it, and I sympathizie. Have you tried duct tape around the top of the plastic bag on your hand? I used that when I had a bad burn on my hand and had to bag it, and it does keep the water out. Of course, it also does an excellent exfoliation and hair removal job on your forearm! Maybe just save it for occasional use. On the Molly front, my brother has a dog that pulls like a freight train. Mom and I got him an Easy Walk harness from Petsmart which really did reduce her pulling. The leash clips on in the front, and the harness exerts pressure on her shoulders when she pulls, and since the leash is hooked on at her chest, pulls her to the side instead of straight back. Somehow, this lessens the tendency. I know that if you have a pulling dog with a regular leash and collar, it awakens some sort of pulling instinct makes it worse. I think the harness was about 20 bucks, so not a terrible investment to see if it works. Good luck!

catsinger said...

...thanks for the info on the collar... I'll have to look into it...
she reminds me of the sled dogs...
she pulls so hard...a normal choke collar hardly even gets her attention...
I had thought of the duct tape, but didn't try it for all the reasons you mentioned... it is rather hard to tape a bag over your left hand when your right thumb is only half there...though if I used the tape like a cinch around the bottom of the bag, without getting it stuck to my arm, that might work...
I'm sure I'll figure out something,
eventually...
I just needed to vent a bit...
and it is one of the things that these posts are supposed to be good for [venting,etc...]thanks for listening & the nice words... :D

Miz Minka said...

Venting is good for the soul too.

Re: Molly -- how about a Halti Head-Collar? It was the only thing that worked with my extremely headstrong Chow-Shepherd mix.

And the rest of the post, especially from the 7 deadly sins on (soul killers, indeed): perfect food for thought as we're approaching Lent -- inspired, I'd say!

The sermon this morning was awesome. I'm so glad Fr. Lee has tossed aside the pulpit and the typed-out sermon notes and is preaching from the Bible and off the cuff instead. How refreshing!

Miz Minka said...

Forgot the link for the head collar, here you go: Halti @ Drs. Foster & Smith.

catsinger said...

...thanks for the kind words MM...& the collar link...I watch all these people walking by with their mellow, ambling goldens,etc...& think,
"I wonder when Molly will settle down"...these collar suggestions are great directions to try...
thanks again...

Fr N has given some wonderful sermons lately...you may have missed the one where he said, "People think that we have money problems at St John's...what we have is a people problem...
people not trusting God to provide all our needs.."[or words to that effect...]how great is that !

I also appreciate the Biblical approach... refreshing & inspiring...

speaking of "inspiring"[thank you, again...for the nice comment...]
I was inspired by a series aired on the History Channel on The 7 Deadly Sins... [a hour on each sin...7 hours in all...titled The 7 Deadly Sins : Lust...etc]
I believe I remember discussing the series with Mr GT...they are available on DVD...alas,they're too expensive for me to buy at the moment, but your rental service may have them...
they are terrific...I really learned a lot from them...and think that you both would find the blend of historical material with the change in the spiritual perspective from the time of the early church to the present day...
very enlightening & fascinating, as did I...

a truly wonderful contemplation for Lent...

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