as any "sister" will tell you...
this is NOT a "fun" activity...
and though I appreciate the need...
to "take care of myself"...
I dislike this invasion of my privacy...
oh... I know that pregnancy ...
and giving birth are SO much more invasive...
but I would imagine that you are "distracted"...
so it's "not so bad"...
[having never been pregnant...I may be wrong...
and if I am... please forgive my ignorance...]
the older I get...
the harder it is to "assume the position"...
everything about the exam is painful...
and some things I'd like to forget come flooding back...
I don't know if it's the very "white" exam lights...
the lovely exam apparel...
sitting in a strange place, in almost "nothing"...
the crinkle of paper covered vinyl ...
the paper sticking to me as I shift position...
nervously awaiting the doctor's arrival...
I think it's all of that...
along with the waiting room angst...
although this waiting room is decidedly different...
from the Melanoma Clinic at the Mt Zion Cancer Center...
there I sat looking at people who were in every stage of cancer...
some post-ops...with bandages covering large areas of their face or head...
others... like I was at first...
as yet, unmarked....
by that disease we all fear deep in our DNA...
old people... young people...
some aggressively cheerful...
others... quiet... withdrawn... resigned...
then you go in...
remove ALL your clothes...
put on a "gown"...only to see it come off...
bit by bit...
until you are standing, naked...
in front of several strangers...
who are looking "everywhere" you have "places"...
for any sign that the cancer on your thumb...
is only the "tip of the iceberg"...
even years after the surgery...
I had to be "examined" in this manner...
each time... the doctor would say ...
that I showed no signs of potential problems...
after the amputation of the top joint of my right thumb...
and a lymph node in my right arm pit...
tests showed that the cancer had not spread...
and they "got it all"...
but the experience has left me with an awareness...
of my own mortality that wasn't there before...
so as I enter on my "med fest"period...
I can't help being a little apprehensive...
if only for the "memories"...
I did the blood/urine lab tests on Friday...
in less than an hour, I get to have the pelvic exam...
tomorrow at 9:30 AM, I get my teeth cleaned...
then go to the "health insurance open enrollment"
for the school district "early retirees" and change my "plan"...
so I only have to pay a $140/pm "buy-up"...
instead of the $400/pm my current plan will cost next month...
when I was "working", and could have afforded a buy-up...
there was none...
now that I'm on a fixed income...
they keep raising the cost...
I shouldn't complain...
so many people have no health insurance...
I just wish there was a way to make it available to all...
without the inflated costs...
[my cancer surgery was an "out patient procedure"...
and STILL cost over $8500...in 2000...]
after I sign-up for the plan with the biggest deductible...
[the only one I can afford...]
I get to go to my GP doctor for the rest of my physical...
[I go to a woman for the OB/GYN...
because I'm more comfortable with her...
and I've known my GP since we were both in jr high...]
then next Wednesday...
I get the "big squeeze"...
[aka mammogram...]
also... no woman's favorite procedure...
but very necessary....
and I get to explain ...again...
what that piece of metal is...
that shows up in x-rays, etc...
under my right arm pit...
[a surgical clip... left on purpose...
after removing the lymph node...]
I do have an issue or two to ask about...
and really hope that I won't be frequenting
the waiting rooms of any more dermatologists...
so I've been a bit apprehensive...
but I'm trusting Jesus for a good outcome...
as the cancer "experience" proved to be...
time to go...
say a prayer for me....
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