...quandries

now that the B&N door has been closed...
you might say I'm confused...

I was told on Sunday to wait 7 days...
being thankful & hopeful...
and I will receive guidance...

the school district application lurks in my laptop case...
like a malevolent package...
something you find in the back of the 'fridge...
and upon opening it, are very sorry...

I'm afraid that I'll be told to "go there"...
and the guidance I've received so far...
is that God will provide for me...
& that there is no situation He can not bless for me...

and so I battle with myself...

I SO don't want to deal with rotten kids again...
with being disrespected & made fun of...
of feeling unappreciated & inept...
of being at the mercy of the "evil empire"...

but I have to do something...

there's not much $ left...
& when it's gone...

so if I'm going to spend $ I don't have...
qualifying myself for something I don't want to do...
there has to be some adjustment in my thinking & attitude...

since the accident in December when my finger was dislocated...
I haven't gotten much exercise...
I'd go out with the dog & have problems...

problems feeling "in control" of her...
[especially when other dogs came into the picture...]
problems with physical pain in my hips & lower back...
problems keeping my balance...
problems with being angry...

after reading an article on the psychology of how women walk their dogs...
I realized that I was not only angry at the dog for the injury...
and at myself for allowing it to happen...
but that I was manifesting anger because I was afraid of being injured again...
and this time, much worse...

I was also angry at myself for not getting exercise...
and for letting the situation control me...
but I felt so much stress at the thought of taking out the dog...
that I was avoiding walking, with all its good benefits...

so I decided to walk anyway, by myself & with the dog...

at this point, it's working out better...
I walk quickly & at a steady pace, alone...
I don't have to keep an eye out for other dogs...
or anything else Molly gets overly excited about...
so when I walk with her, I'm not feeling cheated out of my exercise...
and I seem to be dealing with controlling her behavior...
and keeping an eye "ahead", better...

yesterday, I took Creamer to the vet...
her diarrhea was really bad & she had started just going,"where ever"...
they were going to give her a flea bath...
[she's too thin for Advantage...]
& keep her, to try to stem the diarrhea...

it's always stopped when she's been there before...
so I'm hopeful that it will this time too...

when she's home, she's always under my feet...
because she's always hungry...
and I step on her, etc...

I'm so afraid that I'll trip over her & hurt us both...
& I have flashbacks to how my Mom had to be so careful in later years...
so that she wouldn't fall & hurt herself...
knowing it would be the beginning of the end...

since Creamer's been at the vets', it's been so peaceful...
the other kitties aren't being bullied...
all the nasty messes have been cleaned up...
and I don't have to climb over impromptu cat boxes...

hopefully, when she returns, she'll be better...
& will use the boxes again...

the vet did offer to keep her as a "hospital cat"...
meaning that she'd live out her days there...
but I don't want to do that to her...
she came from a shelter & I can't send her back to a lonely cage...
and with her crabby persona, it would be lonely...

then there are all the "projects"...
all the de-clutter projects that are on hold...

my hope is that as I feel stronger from walking...
I'll feel more like tackling them...

so as I try to keep myself feeling hopeful...
I apologize for the venting & rending of garment...
I could sure use something good about now...
even a break in the "hits" would be appreciated...

God is good...all the time...