...just "letting it be"

we haven't had a wet winter or spring...
so some of my plantings didn't survive the dry, windy conditions...
but this lobelia[Crystal Palace] did...

in the driest, sunniest place, one bloom came out...
today, when I looked, there were several...
all celebrating their re-birth...

they survived the dry cold, the parching winds...
the burning sun and the early heat wave...
to bloom again on my front porch...

I've been going through a dry patch too...

fear of the loss of my home & lifestyle...
actual loss of my kitty family, with more pending...
as Creamer is not feeling too good these days...

the lack of the usual musical outlets...
the trauma of a job search...
dealing with several radical changes in my way of looking at things...
[ie God's "dealing" with me on several issues...]

as I struggle to be more active despite numerous pains...
[the chiropractor is something I can't afford right now...]
eating better, while watching the cost...
[lots of salads should help ease the "pains"...]
making out a budget sheet...taking control of ALL my money...
[what little there is left...]
and setting-up a bookkeeping system for all expenses...
as well as all debts...
[it was all on the Quicken I lost last October...]

I've done better with eating when I don't think much about food...
so trying to think about eating healthier, on a budget...
is hard for me to deal with...
[I forget to eat...then gobble almost anything...]
so it's more self-discipline for me...

a real change has been giving up the cable...
I have a lot of DVDs to watch...
recently, The West Wing, start to finish...
now, The Civil War, Ken Burns' PBS series....
and I have been watching...
as opposed to "vegging out" & falling asleep...
I tried reading but allergy headaches are too much at this point...

another real change has been the amount of time I spend "online"...
having to go "out" to do things has been an adjustment...
but it was a financial necessity...
which brings me to the 800 lb gorilla in the room...

I really don't care to deal with money...
I get NO satisfaction from having it...
a fair amount from spending it...
but I really like being able to give it away...

in my fantasy world... I'd have unlimited wealth...
and spend my time giving it away to anyone who needed it...
all anonymously, of course...
so no one would feel beholden to anyone but God...

but we live in reality...

since I have gotten myself into this mess...
I don't have much satisfaction from money at all...
just angst & aggravation...

having a negative cash flow & relying on savings...
NOT responsible...
but ignoring the problem...
was all I seemed to able to deal with...

now that I've been dealing with the issues...
[OK, sin...let's call it what it is...]
I realize that I must focus on becoming more involved...
be aware of my situation & mindset at all times...

know how much money I have & where it's going...
[seems simple, but burying your head in the sand is more pleasant...]
allow myself to be in a situation, what ever that is...
where enough more money can be earned to pay my debts & living expenses...
[and to trust that it will be the right job for me...]

there is, however, a LARGE difference between being "aware"...
and trying to "do" a lot of things on your own...

the latter is where I always go wrong...

I start out following God's leading...
and somewhere, somehow, seem to morph into doing "it" my way...
which never works...

a few months ago, I prayed with a Christian "healer"...
about my lack of a job and complete "unraveling"...
she said that she saw "many doors" in my life...
and it has been accurate so far...

many seem to open, only to close...
others have stayed locked...
lately, there are some that seem to be opening...
only time will tell if I'm meant to walk through them...

in the meantime...

I've trying to just let go of all my controlling mechanisms...

to stop trying & doing...

and to just "be"...

I'm tired of messing up my life...
of feeling unworthy...
because I messed up something else I didn't mean to...

so I'm looking up...
keeping my thoughts positive...
being thankful, grateful...
and feeling blessed by the God of "another chance"...

I'm sure that He'll get it right this time...
if I can just stay out of His way & let Him...

"answer me when I call, O God, defender of my cause;
you set me free when I am hard pressed;

know that the Lord does wonders for the faithful;
when I call upon the Lord, He will hear me...
put your trust in the Lord...

many are saying,"Oh that we might see better times".
lift up the light of your countenance upon us,O Lord.

you have put gladness in my heart...
more than when grain & wine & oil increase.

I lie down in peace; at once I fall asleep;
for only you Lord, make me dwell in safety."

[Psalm 4, selected, BCP]