...working without a net...part deux

in a previous existence...
[ "assistant" to the Music Director of a large RC parish;
music arranger, contractor & facilitator,cantor, singer,
bell ringer, trumpet player and go-fer...]
Holy Week was a blur...

not that it went by quickly, [as in easy......]
there was just SO MUCH to accomplish
that required painstaking detail-work....
the HOURS of preparation of choral music,
assembling groups of musicians, arranging & copying music,
rehearsals, hauling & moving equipment, etc...

[Palm Sunday ( 8 AM -noon)
Holy Monday[Mass of the Oils (4 hours)]...
a marathon Weds. rehearsal...(3-4 hours)
Maundy Thursday Service ...( a Seder, then church...3-4 hours...)
Good Friday Service (11 AM-3PM) THEN...
Taizé Service (6:30 -8:30 PM)
Holy Saturday/Easter Vigil (7 - 1 AM)
Easter Sunday (8 AM -noon)
you do the math...]

the blur came from the grinding fatigue of the long hours...
the stress of performance, choreography of logistics...
details, details, details...
people, music, equipment, timing...
all blended into a blur...

"felted", if you will, by heat and friction...
into something with indistinct edges...
no longer able to be separated back
into its component parts...

as a working musician for most of my life,
religious "holidays"...[Holy Days]
have always been "busy"...
a time to "cash-in"...
"make hay, while the sun shines"...

Temples hire extra singers for the High Holy Days...
Churches hire trumpet players for major "Feast Days"
or large musical productions [Cantatas]...
celebrating seasons such as Christmas and Easter....
not to mention the "liturgical" churches and synagogues...
who need regular cantors for their services...
and those who must, for whatever reasons, hire choristers...

so my personal celebrations became fixed by the "gigs" I had...
Christmas Day or Thanksgiving with Mom happened after "church"...
[it was about a 2 hour drive...not too bad...]
I never celebrated Easter...
I was usually "napping" after several services...
one Easter in Mudville, I played at 4 Easter services before noon...
"play and run" was my policy that day...

even as a believer...
participating in the services I was singing or playing for...
there was always a profound sense of relief ...
when the Easter recessionals' last notes died away...

instruments were packed, music stowed, robes or tux removed...
farewells said to others I'd see again soon ...
at the "next" rehearsal or gig...
networking contacts for the "next" job....
"playing the game"...

and all the while...
an immense feeling of release...
joy...that it was OVER...
no thought for what we had celebrated...just that it was DONE....

the sleep that had been impossible [no optional in this...]
would manifest itself in a totally comatose afternoon/evening nap...
being jarred awake by the alarm at 0dark:30 the next morning ...
for a couple of stiff, groggy days at school...
before my mind and body would begin to be "right" again...
[ did I mention that all this was going on WHILE I taught full-time...
AND played in the symphony...? ]

it has only been in the last year or so ...
that my perspective has "shifted"...

I used to have the blasé musicians' attitude of,
"I'm glad that's over...where's the next gig ?"
or the let down that always comes with the close of a big project...
a show you spent months playing/directing...
an opera you were onstage for...
a ballet you contracted the orchestra for...
a group you were "on the road" with...

these kinds of endeavors generally end,
"...not with a bang, but a whimper..."
leaving a hole in your life...

something that "consumed" you, is now gone...
after all the "group effort"...the bond is broken...
leaving you with the thought, "isn't there more...?"
"...is that ALL there is ?"

if you're busy, you can avoid full-blown depression...
by jumping into the next thing with abandon...
burying yourself... avoiding dealing with your feelings...

if you're not, or worse...
you succumb to some illness brought on by the stress...
and have to lay around, with yourself, being sick...
or struggle to go to "work" in your infirmity...
you can sink deep into the fruitlessness of life...
and the emptiness that the enemy relishes filling
with a sense of loss, doubt and sadness...

even as my "musical busyness" has slacked off in recent years,
I found myself still "stressed-out"...
by the responsibilities of Holy Week or Christmas...
cantoring or soloing with uncertain voice...
trying to "resurrect" my trumpet skills...

noon on Easter found me exhausted and seeking only a nap...
only my responsibilities to "be there" for Mom,
moved me "down the highway" on Christmas and Thanksgiving...
when all I wanted was oblivion...and to be left alone...

and then, Mom was gone...
the musical scene at my church "morphed" as DD departed for IN...
uncertainty... NO desire on my part for the "stress of leadership"...
and then, God moved in an obvious way in my life...

I had to "step up" and be a servant of the music program I loved...
I couldn't just stay "within"... feeding on it...
I had to "serve" or risk losing everything I loved...
reluctantly, I "oozed" into the place God wanted me...

the first step turned out to be the most difficult...
I seemed to know "exactly" what to say and do...hummm...
our Lessons & Carols Service went well...
and I, "working without a net"[or so I thought...]
have continued to assume more duties...

Holy Week was a specter ...looming on the horizon...
fortunately, BLT, who is "the knower of all liturgical knowledge"...
as well as an accomplished musician...
has been there to show the way, and keep me,
and the organist from falling over the "edge"...

and then there are the singers...
loving, spirit-filled brothers & sisters all...
whose amazing musicianship, sensitivity
and dedicated, unflinching support
for praising God by making a beautiful "joyful noise"...
have been blessing our congregation for years...
I am privileged, humbled & blessed to serve God with them...

so this week, I have noticed a real difference in my perspective...

there have been bits and pieces of this feeling before...
especially on Christmas...
but considering all the responsibility of Holy Week...
not to mention 3 memorial services/funeral masses...
as well as the Lenten Taizé Services...
and my inability to sleep more than an hour or so
the last few nights...which left me groggy...
I should have been exhausted yesterday...

on Maundy Thursday, I felt His pain...
on Good Friday...I felt His abandonment...and total grief...
before the Great Vigil on Saturday, I felt the joy rising in the choir...
one generous soul had hand-made gifts for all in celebration...
her joy in giving, was infectious...
and soon everyone was grinning in anticipation...

after the service, there was an Agapé Feast...
we all sat, smiling, eating and visiting...
enjoying the fellowship churches often speak of... but seldom have...
enjoying the common bond of a risen Lord worshipped...

Easter morning...more smiles...and gifts...
JOY ... bubbling up and spilling out in our music...
big smiles all around... our music, a "group effort"...
"...the trumpeters and singers were united in one voice, praising God..."

then, it's over...the blessings given...
we return the vestments to the hangers...
stow away instruments and music...
and find our way into the GHall...

where many of us sit, visiting...
places to go...
celebration dinners to attend...

including an invitation for me...
there'll be no nap time this Easter...
and strangely, though I couldn't sleep Saturday night...
I won't go to bed until nearly 10 PM...
a bit groggy, but content...

and so, we sit...chatting...
for more than an hour... not ready to go on our way...
not just yet, anyway...
lingering in the joy of our risen Lord worshipped...
and the fellowship of that bond...

"...we few, we happy few....
we band of brothers (and sisters)..."

the joy of music made, to celebrate our risen Lord,
with "family"...
who'll be there next week...
and forever...

Christ is Risen, Alleluia !