..."I" am still here....

I am still here...somehow... somewhere...
with all the cutting away, pruning and molding
I've gone through in the last 3 months...
it's almost a surprise to discover that I am still here...

I remember writing in late December, as the darkness closed in,
that I would have to leave the self I had always been,
behind... if I wanted to grow in God's will for me...
I had NO idea at that time... just what that would entail...
and what it would set in motion...

like most of us, facing a personal "crisis"...
[I didn't have one in my 40's, so I guess this was it...]
I thought that I had gone through the worst of "it"
climbing out of "that hole"... [see "holes"...11/25/07...]

what I would yet experience would make that "hole"
almost appealing by comparison...

confronting and naming my personal "7 deadly sins"...
all in a monstrous onslaught by the enemy, left me dazed...
confused and as popular as "Typhoid Mary"...
as the confusion cleared...some clarity came...
along with pain, grief and loss...

the person I had hoped I was becoming,
was nowhere to be found...
and worse...
I had absolutely NO idea
where to look for "me"...
or of what to do next...

so, choosing to believe that "all things happen for a reason"...
I went with that... and prayed for guidance...
being told that, "yes, this WAS a part of God's plan..."
so I set about to love...
"bearing, believing & hoping ALL things ..."

praying through my tears that God
would fix the mess I had made of myself...
and heal the pain I'd caused...
I believed that He could... and would...

I just couldn't seem to get past the pain of what I'd done
and the problems I'd caused for those I loved...
I knew I hadn't retreated back into that "hole"...
because it had NEVER hurt that much, down there...

I kept being told to "rejoice" in the pain...
and when I could finally forgive myself enough...
to move into thankfulness...
I began to see that this was really only the beginning
of what I had to learn...

how the enemy used my "fear" response to trigger negative behavior...
how the panic, anxiety and obsessive compulsive "neediness"
that were part of my "obnoxious BAD self"... driving people away...
were really a denial of God's saving grace on my part...

as the "scales fell from my eyes"...
and I began to see all forms of FEAR
as the enemy's attempts to defuse my spiritual growth...
I began to ask God to banish the unsettled feelings...
if they were not from Him... and the fear would leave...
replaced by by His peace...

so after a week or so of this...I found myself wondering...
"who am I now ?"... "how would I describe "me",
to someone I hadn't seen for a while..."
and I have to say, "I don't know..."

people say that I'm different since November 25...
that... I know...leaving the "hole" behind was "life altering"...
and if I didn't go back into it in the last 2 months...
it's truly "history"... filled-in...gone...kapaut...

the 7 deadly sins were all fear-driven...
I believe that they are also gone for good...
because the fear has been "dealt with"...
paid for, once for all, for all time...

there is "less" of me...I AM feeling "a lightness in my step"...
I am stronger...I "fit" better... there's a long ways to go...
but I've now entered a place I haven't been in years...
and it's empowering... a part of the "losing of self"...

my clutter is VERY slowly going... sometimes, too slow for my taste...
but I can only DO so much at a time...
I guess I'm also learning patience... and perseverance...
[I've always been stubborn...]
sometimes...I'm tempted by dumpsters...then I look at the price...

so, where am "I"... who am I ? ...
now that so much of "me" has "left the building"...
what's left when all the "dross" has been consumed by the flame...?
the impurities are burned away... and only the elements remain...?

I know who I would like to be...
...a trusted, loving friend and sister in Christ...
...a loyal and true spirit that can be depended on in times of joy, trouble or sorrow...
...one that bears all things, believes all things and hopes all things in His love...
...a compassionate and empathic heart... reaching out to those
who seek understanding and relief for their pain...
...someone who can be loved...

perhaps as I seek to be more like Him...
I can come closer to my goals...
but, who I really am, at this point...or could ever become...
I just can't say...

these are my hopes...my desires... who I wish to be....
I can do "all things... through Christ Who strengthens me..."
but just where am I now ?
so I "wait on the Lord"....

and as I wait, my "joyful anticipation" is under almost constant attack...
from, you guessed it... FEAR...
I send it away... and it attacks from new angles...
so in an almost totally exhausted daze...
I give Him everything...

because just "thinking" hurts...
and the pain brings some form of insidious fear...
I'm so tired of this...
so I "rest in Him..."
praying for insight....but I'm told just to
"wait...pray... have faith...
and I will see the answer to my prayers..."

the scriptures say that when we see Him...
we shall "know"... but now, we only see,
through a glass, darkly...
the lines... blurry... the image... dim...

I have always had an aversion to "fooling myself"...
this has generally made the revelations
of my personal shortcomings...
and their effects on people I cared about,
very hard for me to take...

this lead, in due course, to "hole digging"...
OCB in it's many forms...
and the dreaded "FEAR" response...
it's sad to think that I know the bad parts of "me"...
'WAY more than I know the good...

perhaps my problem is that we can't really see
the "good" in ourselves...
we know when we "feel good" about ourselves...
when others perceive us as "a good person"...

someone trustworthy..."safe" to love...
no nasty surprises lurking just below the surface...
someone you can "like"... and enjoy just "being" with...
OCB never fits into this description...

positive feedback doesn't seem to be an option...
at the moment, anyway...
[I'm really not into being "stroked"...
if it's not authentic...I'm just not interested...]
so I'll just have to trust Him to make me "in His image"...
...that could take a very long time...

I do feel that, "I"... am still here...
"I", have always been here...
covered up, hidden...or standing shyly off to the side...
pushed away by the more obnoxious character flaws...

I seem to know so well who I am, "not"...
at least, "not" anymore...
it would be sad to never know who I, truly "am"...
or am becoming...