...working without a net

one of my favorite films, "The Lion in Winter",[1968]
has a scene near the end where the Princes Geoffrey & Richard...
wait in the dungeon for their father, King Henry to come to execute them...

upon hearing someone approach & being exhorted by his brother...
"to die like a man", Geoffrey says...
"You fool, it matters not at all how a man falls down..."
his brother Richard counters with...
"if falling down is all that is left, it matters a great deal"...

the red leaves in this picture remind me of that...
as they, the few that remain, will burn brightly until they drop...

they inspire me, as does the quote & the promises of God...
to see things through to the end, to not just give up the fight...
and for "The Catsinger in Winter", miracles are happening because of it...

even after my conversion experience, over 40 years ago...
I, "wasn't there yet"... head knowledge, heart feelings...
a lot of stems & branches, flowers & leaves...
not much strong root growth...

any farmer or gardener will tell you...
that if all the energy goes into the top...
the roots don't develop properly...
you may get some fruits or blossoms...
but not many... and not good quality...

then, if any adverse conditions come along...
the tops will wither & die...
and if the roots aren't strong, the plant dies too...

one way to encourage strong root development, is by pruning...
removing some of the extra growth so that the plant's energy...
will be redirected into root development...
and better fruit & blossoms...
my faith was like that...
in need of pruning & root development...

I've gone through several "rebirths" in my faith journey...
since the initial conversion point...
the most recent being the most complete...
because God was tired of my messing around...
so He sent me, "the voice of reckoning" who hasn't shirked their duties...

being shown my shortcomings in God's plan for me so vividly...
by seeing the effects on someone I cared for, was devastating...
at first, I didn't understand what I'd done that caused such a reaction...
but with time, some things became clearer...

but I still didn't get it... and reverted back old habits...
creating a stressful situation for all involved...
there were times of relative peace...
but then something would happen & I would do stupid, selfish things...
that would drive away anyone...

anyone, that is, but one sent by a loving Father...
to help me out of the hole that I didn't know I was still in...

I have always had a real problem with self-esteem, self-image...
and self-loathing was a default position for me...
last summer, after an unsuccessful & embarrassing job interview failure...
I allowed myself to become despondent...

depression, anger, self-centeredness, self-pity...
all escalated into lashing out at those...
who with hands & hearts outstretched to me...
sought only to cheer & comfort...

I was a total jerk, spewing all sorts of mean-spirited vitriol...

after one too many of my toxic, narcissistic rants...
"the voice of reckoning" cut off all communication...

I was confused & what I thought were cryptic comments...
"toxic relationship", "ego-centric"...
went right past me when I first saw them...

however, in a day or so...
God revealed the truth behind the "ego-centric/narcissistic" comments...
and in a moment of clarity... I saw what "TVOR" had meant by it...

I WAS self-involved, I ranted without listening...
I looked for someone to listen as I vented...
never giving the listener a chance to get a word in...
[OK once in a while, not good for a relationship...]

it was all about me...

of course, I hadn't seen it... I was so into "me" that nothing else existed...

so for the last 4 months or so, God's been working on that within me...
as I have grown closer to Him, hopefully I have become more like Him...
and I think that I'm getting better, but it's a journey...
not a destination... and I must continue to grow into His vision for me...
without the usual slides back into the mode of, "you're doing it again"...

the whole "toxic" thing had escaped me...

in my usual blasé manner...
I just figured that it was the narcissism that was toxic...
which it is... but there was more...
and God again used "TVOR" to nudge me in the right direction...

I was griping about having to wear a dress for the Renaissance group...
going on about how I'd always hated dresses, my past, etc., etc., etc....
and a voice in my head [that sounded suspiciously like TVOR...] said...
"just suck it up & get over it"...
which I put in the post that I was writing at that time...

I didn't think too much of it at the time...
but later, when "TVOR" congratulated me for "sucking it up"...
and was very supportive about my costume & attitude...
I had an epiphany...

my jaw literally dropped open...
& I sat in stunned silence at the workings of God...
in awe of the extent to which He had gone to to make His point...
in a way that I would finally understand...

[for someone who is NOT stupid, I can really be a dork sometimes...]

what was toxic to TVOR [& everyone else who would never tell me...]
was my self-loathing & all the verbal expressions of it...

it's hard to be around someone you care about who hates herself...

extremely toxic... most people just cut & run...

courageous souls sent by God...
[like TVOR...]
will tell you how bad you make them feel...
then pray for you despite all that...

I, unfortunately, know this too well...
because I took the usual, easy way out with my Dad...
who died separated from those he loved, who loved him...
all because he couldn't accept himself as lovable...
& allow people, or God, to love him...

I didn't try to help him...
I didn't know how...
so I ended up just like him...
wanting more, but incapable of allowing people to love them...

since the previous 4 months of work had brought me to a place...
where I could accept myself as worthy of love...
this now all made sense...

realizing this truth makes working on my other relationship problems...
[insecurity, need for external validation/attention, social awkwardness...]
seem not so daunting, even manageable...
especially if I can trust God to pull me past them...

I've always been a "critical" person...into the details...
I don't like being surprised by learning that I've been fooling myself...
so to have someone who tells me the unvarnished truth...
and shows me what a jerk I've been/am being, though NOT easy for either of us...
is truly, a gift of God & an ultimate blessing for me...

a true servant calling for them...
I would add, well & faithfully done...
& so very much appreciated...

I continue to be filled with gratitude to God for all His blessings...
I am humbled by the continuing efforts of all His servants on my behalf...
I am, a work in progress & hope someday to become the person He's leading me to be...
with as little further aggravation as possible to those He's sent to prune me...

"not thinking less of myself...
but thinking of myself, less..."

then perhaps I will be able to "fall down well"...
having finally become a good & faithful servant myself...

God is so good, all the time...