notes from La Mancha

I've been experiencing the subtle, but powerful hand of God...
moving in my life in the last week or so...

I say, subtle... and those of you who have experienced it...
know exactly what I mean...

very quietly, very organically... so natural that you can miss its beginnings...
as it progresses, the warmth enfolds you...
cradling you with blessings, but though your heart sings with wonder...
you feel still... and calm...and so close to God...

but I also say, powerful... because if you have seen it yourself...
you also know the grandeur & majesty of watching God work...
whether you've seen miracles happen to others in front of you...
or you've seen them looking back at you from your mirror...

things that seemed impossible, happen...

walls fall down, the crooked becomes straight, the rough places, smooth...
hardened hearts, soften...broken hearts are healed...
the deaf, hear... the lame, walk... & the dumb, speak & even sing...
as wisdom, speaking so softly, is finally heard & understood...

those of you who have seen my inner demons...
know of my life-long struggle with low self-esteem...

my dad lost the fight and was miserable even as he died...
unable to reach out and allow those that he loved, to love him...

Christians are exhorted to be humble... to seek to be servants...
looking at these ideas from the wrong perspective...
has left me, even after crawling out of that hole...
a lonely, insecure, foolish & often obnoxious [old] woman...

I just always thought that the feelings of...
"not being good enough", "not being needed or wanted"...
were part of the whole "servant/humble thing...

boy, was I wrong...

very quietly, in small increments, over the last few days...
but with astounding clarity...
God has made it very clear to me...
that those old attitudes are NOT from Him...
and only serve to keep me jumping through the enemy's hoops...

hoops which include: self-loathing, insecurity, manipulation...
depression, self-absorption, being an ego-centrist[narcissistic]...
and a number of other self-destructive behaviors & attitudes...

if your focus is inward, on yourself...
you can't see the danger or the damage...
you suffer... and assume that you are supposed to...
you are "serving"... putting yourself last...

actually, you are putting yourself first...
ahead of God... ahead of any you could be helping...
ahead of those who care about you...
all wrapped-up in "self"... absorbed by, "poor me"...
unable to see your situation or the solution...

I have been blessed by the presence of some...
who have allowed themselves to be used by God to, "get my attention"...
it hasn't been easy or fun for them...
quite the contrary...it's been aggravating, infuriating & toxic...

but as He showed me the effects...
of my self-absorption problems through their eyes...
and I had to come to grips with my sins in those areas...
I also have come to see my deeper problem...
perhaps the most insidious one of all...

my visions of myself as unwanted, unneeded, unworthy & "solitary"...
were NOT part of being humble or a servant...
they were all toxic hoops from the enemy...
ones that it had me jumping through, over & over again...

and that I could NOT move forward...
into a right relationship or true servant position with God...
until I dealt with this life-long addiction to self-loathing...
self-centeredness and self-pity...

to accept myself as a valuable, lovable person with "gifts" to share...
someone worthy of Christ's sacrifice on the cross...
and then to be able to consider the special person that God has made me...
as no reason to think of myself as any better than any other person...
is what it really means to "humble yourself"...

and you can not be a servant without being humble...

some of you are probably saying, "...well, DUH !"...

I've known that not liking yourself was not healthy...
and so I'd developed some positive self-appreciation...
but combined with the tendency to become dependent...
on the external validations of others...
served only to exacerbate my basic problem...

so here I am... quite calm and peaceful...
aware of my strengths as well as my weaknesses...
acknowledging that God has given me some wonderful gifts...
and the challenge to use them as He would have me do...

to accept myself... appreciate myself... & yes, even love myself...

to consider myself no better or worse than anyone else...
and to be all that much more, an effective servant...
because of that acceptance and humbling of self...

the peace that "they" always speak of...
is quiet, calm, soothing, contained...
and has a big grin...

strangely enough, the extreme feeling of awkwardness...
and shyness that I've always had to fight around most people...
seems to be gone, leaving an unaccustomed ease with people...
a desire to listen, rather than just a compulsion to unburden myself...
and sense of peace & quiet contentment with myself...

a peace that can, at times be joyous...
when my heart sings at seeing the goodness of God...
manifest in my life or the lives of others...
and joyful praise and gratitude to God just fills my soul...

but more often, it's just that absolute peace at my center...

and faith...

"...the substance of things hoped for...
the evidence of things unseen..."[Hebrews 11:1]




for even the old & burned-out can be made new again...
not quite as they were before, but all new, just the same...

God is good... all the time...