Monday, January 28, 2008

..."to do...or not"

I've always been a "trying" person...
[and not in a positive way, I'm sorry to say...]

always willing to try...
to loose weight...
to be better with money...
to clean out the clutter...
to control myself more effectively...
to be a better person...
to be a good friend...
to be a good daughter...
to be a good teacher...
a better musician...
less annoying...

the doors have closed on some opportunities...
my parents are gone...
I'm no longer teaching...
I just have to let those go...

and, yet, here I am...
[in my "under construction" state...]
still dealing with many of those things,
at least in part, in areas still "open"...
that I tried to fix...
obviously, my method has been flawed...
and trying hasn't worked....

perhaps, by saying that I was trying,
I gave myself permission to fail rather than the chance to succeed...
after all, "I tried"...it's not like I wanted to be obnoxious...
"It's not my fault"..."It's my unhappy childhood"..."it's genetics"...
"it's the devil"..."I'm a victim"... "no body understands/likes/loves me"...

dishonesty is never attractive...
dishonesty with yourself, dear friends or God, is destructive...
it builds walls, tears down trust and prevents love...
I excused my behavior by "trying" to understand it in worldly terms...
[the world is fraught with excuses...
outcomes don't matter as long as your motive was good...]

my lack of honesty with myself,
in dealing with some severe personality disorders,
created a real problem with my relationship with God...
and with those brave enough to deal with me,
during the throughs of this period of self-enlightenment...

through a series of awesome events,
I have found my way back to God...
and am closer to Him than ever...
I believe that all other things will follow...
in His time, according to His will...

Yoda said, "there is no trying,... only doing or not ..."
oddly enough...
in the midst of the recognition,
of all the failures surrounding me...there is peace...
a peace, in my soul...
as I recognize the problems ,
and give them to Him to deal with...

for the first time in such turmoil,
with it's waves of grief and pain for the damage I've inflicted,
there is a calm center....battered, but calm...
instead of trying to make God the center of my focus,
I have just done it....

and when I focus on Him, the rest fades away...
I still have to live with the results of my failures...
the pain and frustration that my behavior has caused others and myself...
the times I "did not"....
but I don't have to live in my past...

God has forgiven me....
I have forgiven myself...much harder...
so against my "patterning"...but, again, I just "did it"...
so how do I rectify myself with the world ?
how do I move on ?

I've given it to Jesus..." to do...or not..."
and He's given me joy in His will...and peace...
a pattern to follow...
[for those of us who need a map...]
" to do ...or not..."

"...the greatest gift is love...
love is not selfish...love is kind...
love is generous...love is forgiving...
love is patient...
love bears all thing...
love believes all things...
love hopes all things... "

with His Grace, I hope all things...

2 comments:

DearestDragonfly said...

There is much peace, much center...here, in your own words...

us300 said...

As I read through the archive, I am move to let you know that...
I LOVE YOU!