...taking out the trash

Thursday is Trash Day in my neighborhood...
so, even though I spend time cleaning kitty boxes and such,
during the rest of the week, by Wednesday night,
it all has to out on the curb...
sorted and properly contained, if it's "going"...

I've missed a lot of "interior" trash days during my life,
and because of that, I am now up to my eyeballs in "junk"...
all the "mechanisms" I've held on to over the years,
to shield me from the fear of trusting and being hurt,
are now, not only, in my way, but must be dealt with... and soon...

so just like the reformed "anything"...
who can't stand the trappings of the former life
and it's failures...
I'm confronting my former self...
and all it's baggage...and it's not a pretty sight...

massive amounts of uncontrolled self-loathing creates
the need to build walls to keep out everyone...
creating massive amounts of me...
and the difficulties of losing weight...

ironically, being depressed and believing that I deserved to suffer...
and to punish myself by "not eating"...
is a way to lose weight
that is no longer an option for me...

so now that I'm in my "right mind"...
[is that like being "right brained" ? ]
I have to take out the trash from 59 years of O.C.S.L.D.
[obsessive compulsive self loathing disorder]
and there is a lot of it...

I need some of those "extra bag tags"...
or maybe, there's a "Got Junk" for inner clutter...

the pattern has gone like this so far...
I'm going about my day, and, WHAM !...
it hits me in the subconscious mind first...like whiff of something...
as I focus on it and become aware...it's like realizing
that I stepped in something very nasty...
and have now tracked it all over my house, as well as gotten it all over me...

with a sick feeling in both my heart and the pit of my stomach...
I try to clean up my shoes, my clothes and my house...
but the smell and the stain and the nastiness remain,
despite my best efforts... a grim reminder of my former mistakes...

so I go find the Lysol... and eventually,
the disgusting smell is covered by pine...
but I know it's still there... and I, give up...
once again done in, by my own darkness....

BUT WAIT...NOT SO FAST !
that was then, this is now...

so at the point of realizing that I have covered myself, yet again,
with the most unspeakable nastiness, and worse...
got it on some fellow travelers who were blindsided by my problem,
I fall to my knees, not to try and clean it up,
[because I know that I can't...]
but to ask the One, Who Can, to make everything clean again...
to forgive my sins...
and then I must seek forgiveness from those I've wronged...

I've been doing that a lot lately...
asking for forgiveness...
hoping for forgetting as well...
it goes with taking out this kind of trash...