I walked around the block this afternoon, in the warm sunshine...
Unklephil is out raking up the liquid amber tree "debris",
"nothing like a good storm...
to knock everything down at once," he mused...
across the street, carguy and "working-on-it"guy
are attempting to start carguy's latest automotive acquisition,
an older red compact pickup truck...
I have heard some rumblings, but nothing too hopeful...
carguy and "working-on-it"guy were both here,
as was Unklephil, when I moved in 20 years ago this June...
carguy has at least 4 vehicles now,[2 discretely covered with tarps]
but has always had "several"...
"working-on-it" guy has, likewise,
been "working" on his front yard and house
for as long as I can remember...[he's not done...]
and he shares carguy's passion for vehicles,
having at least 2 or 3 himself....
of course, my "unfinished" projects are legion...
the back yard needs "work"...so does the front...
at least the front awning/gutter problem seems solved...
and some progress is being made inside...
the hall "trim" is finally done and the new drawer pulls installed...
one "dead" outlet is gone and patched...another will be soon...
I have the faceplates and outlet covers [antique brass A&C style]
and the dark brown switches and outlets to replace the old white ones...
the front door is finally prepped and awaits the primer...
the French door windows are finished...
and the red wall just needs a final coat...
with it's trim finally finished...
we have mended and partially prepped the west DR wall,
and will be moving into the LR soon...
I need to move "stuff" and there is no place to put it...
I got frustrated the other day and threw out a bunch of "stuff",
but most of it is "stuff" I need to keep...
and there is just no where else to stash it...
here I am, attempting to move ahead into, for me,
unchartered territory in my "inner" life...
into a place where all things are possible...
and here's my past...in my way, holding me back...
now that I'm committed to moving ahead,
I want to move ahead, not deal with the past...
but life's not that way...so I have to deal with my "past"...
because it has become my "present"...
I just have to make it not my "future"...
I have never before been successful [for long, anyway...]
at dealing with those fears and insecurities
that have left me miserable and alone....
I rejected people and love because of my fear...
fear of the pain that comes from rejection or being "left"...
I now have to recognize those fears and embrace them...
to render them "powerless" in my present life...
that was then...this is now...
I will work at being as "authentic" as I can be...
honest...saying what I mean...meaning what I say....
I will try to learn to listen with my heart, not just my ears...
and to continue to be one who is trustworthy...
there's nothing new here...
I've always tried to be like that...
the difference is that now, I believe that I can succeed...
that I don't have to be "worthy"...
I just have to "be"...
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