...I'm with "stupid"...

I get a LOT of catalogs...
and I generally thumb through them,
at least once a season anyway...
you just never know when the "perfect" gift
for that "certain someone" may appear...

we seem to be really obsessed with "who" we are...
at least, it appears that way
if you look at the enormous variety of "labels"
we will put on ourselves...
not "meaningful" labels...
but more the,
"what on earth were you thinking" kind...

I recently spent several happy hours
going through online catalogs of "shirt" companies...
you know...the "joke shirt" kind...
I was determined to find
the perfect shirt for my friend,
who is a self-proclaimed, "Queen of the Condiments"...
with ketchup [or, if you wish,] catsup, her absolute favorite...

so many choices...
ones I knew that she would NEVER wear...
and, what fun is that ?
I not only wanted the big laugh the first time she saw it...
I wanted to see it worn...
as a result of this desire...
some "channeling" was necessary...

there were ones with red splotches all over front of the shirt,
that said, "I like ketchup on everything"...
[ too messy, perhaps too suggestive...
considering where the spots were...]

there were simple "ketchup bottles"...
turns out, it's good I avoided those ,
'cause it was the "wrong brand"...
"don't 'cha know ?"...[whew !]
[branding is very important in the "condiment world..."]

I kept coming back to, "got ketchup ?"...
a "classic"...
in white, on a plain, heavy weight black tee-shirt...
humorous, but still, with a modicum of dignity...
it was the right choice...fit my friend, to a " T "
[sorry... too many smart*** sayings in my brain...]

I have also been known to give friends clothing that said :
"yes, I do know all the answers, but I've been sworn to secrecy"
and...
"Don't want to, don't have to, can't make me...I'm retired..."
[all right, so that one was for me...]
and....
"the cat likes me best"
[liked it so much, I gave it twice...to a couple...]

so while sculking about in
"OMG, why would you put that on your chest" land....
I found a few others that I thought I should/could share...

"talk slower, I still have dial-up"

"if I'm talking, you should be taking notes"

""is there a hyphen in obsessive compulsive ?"

"Jesus loves you, but I'm His favorite..."

"lawyers or pistols at dawn, your choice"

"here I am...now what were your other two wishes ?"

"don't act stupid, we have politicians for that..."

"if you can read this, you're smart enough not to touch my computer"

"cute, but psycho..."

"sarcasm, just one more service that I offer..."

"I have no idea what I am doing out of bed"

"what I really need are minions"

"careful, or you'll end up in my novel"
[now if that said "blog", instead of "novel"...]

"my zero tolerance policy includes you..."

"remember, as far as anyone knows, we are a normal family"

"they say I have A.D.D., but they just don't understand..Oh,look, a chicken ! "

"are you confused, or just stupid ?"

"formerly known as "Stud Muffin"

"yes, I do know the answer, but if I tell you, I'll have to kill you"

"don't make me use my 'librarian voice'"
[OK, so only I think that's funny...]

"are you still here ? "

"what part of ARRRRGH don't you understand ? "

"I put ketchup on my ketchup"
[sorry, just slipped out... hee,hee]

"if I pay you, will you go away ?"

"I've stopped listening, but you're still talking"

"Stupid"
[goes with the shirt in the title...]