...footprints

it amazes me, just how much peace and calm
you find, once the worst happens...
I guess that a few comments from 2 books
I've just finished reading, are right...

firstly... that you can not enter a period
of enlightenment and growth,
unless you can truly feel the pain
that growth will bring....
[when I hid from pain,
I was apart from God and couldn't grow...]
secondly... loss is liberating...
with nothing left to lose,
you must move on...

when the fear and dread of impending loss,
have come and gone...
and you think
that you are left standing alone...
on a flat, icy wasteland...
void of shelter...
being pelted with frozen pellets of sleet
from every direction...

you can look inside...
if you have allowed God into your heart...
He will be there...

or you can look around frantically
for other aid...
that's when I used to dive deeper
into the "hole"...
help wasn't in that "hole" either...
until last November...
when I looked up and saw it smiling down...

because God sent willing hearts
to help me back to Him then...
He was already inside my heart
in this lonely place...
calming my soul, forgiving my sins
and holding me close...
carrying me through the wasteland...
leaving only His footprints...

I now understand that
the journey to be the person that
God has always intended me to be,
is like climbing a spiral staircase...

as you go up, you turn back...
going in circles that ease you up,
one step at a time...
while always turning "back"...
in order to go higher...

a lot better than the
"2 steps forward, 3 steps back" dance
that I've done for most of my life...
I am grateful for the opportunities to grow...
even though it is painful...

the pain shows that I am truly growing...
that these are life changes...
not just another "attempt" to be better...
willing to be totally vulnerable to change...
as frightening as that may be...
and the death of self that must come,
in gladly submitting to His will for me...

Erich Segal said, "all true stories end in death...
...this is a true story..."

this is a true story...
it will end in the death of "my old self"...
but will continue forever...