...I need to see a light...

home remodeling can be wearing...
on body, spirit and mind...
after a while, all the chaos...the piles of debris...
"unfinished" projects...dust and paint fumes...
overtake even the most joyful tingle
of seeing newly painted walls...or new furnishings...

the sore muscles and an aching back
combine with a "past middle aged brain"
that is tired of details, measurements, sorting,
and MAKING DECISIONS....
to create "burn-out"...

so close...but yet...so far to go...

my spiritual remodeling is in a similar place....
all the chaos of having my former ways of life
brought to my constant attention...and subsequent scrutiny...
resulting in pain and remorse...
has worn me out...

even though I have recognized the problems, grieved,
repented, been forgiven by God,
have forgiven myself and tried to move on...
the level of fatigue is crushing...
because, the parade of my shortcomings never seems to end...

I am experiencing God's peace and love....
my relationship with Him is the closest it has ever been...
but He isn't finished with me yet...
as John Donne, speaking of recognizing sin, said,
"...when t'is done, You have not done...
for I, have more..."

my latest revelations are my "control issues"...
that's a "pc" way of saying I manipulate people...
wonderful survival skill for a jr. high teacher...
not so much for a human being...

I've been called "on the carpet" about this before...
years ago...in another life, it seems...
since I wasn't doing it on purpose...
my mindset was that I was not manipulative...

I've recently come to understand that if someone you care about
feels that you have maneuvered them into a position,
you probably have...on purpose or not...
the resulting loss of trust is the same...

it's hard for me to realize
how such a self-centered person as I am,
[ALL musicians are self-centered...
they really have to be to do their art...
some are just nicer people than others...]
could be so self-involved...
and self-deceiving at the same time...

so here I sit... in a state of de/re-construction...
surrounded by the past mistakes...and piles of junk...
clinging to trust and faith...but tired and sore...
there's still so much clutter to haul away...

there is a line in "Jesus Christ, Superstar",
that has always really resonated with me...
Jesus is praying in the Garden...He says,
"then, I was inspired... now, I'm sad and tired..."

the peace of Christ is at my center...
and His joy also...
but my mind and spirit are sad and tired...
fighting grief and depression by clinging to Him...

tired of the myriad of things that still need attention...
sad because of all the pain and aggravation
that my "difficult to deal with" self
has caused so many I've cared about through the years...

I know that Jesus has forgiven me....
my struggle is to continue to forgive myself...
because, there always seems to be "more" to forgive...
I know that He will give me what I need
to work through this...
perhaps a lobotomy ... or amnesia...
or a nicer personality...

I'm holding on to Him as tightly as I can....
I do believe things will work out for good...
my faith is strong...I love Jesus...
I bear all things, believe all things
and hope all things...
because of Him...
I'm just really tired of "me" at this point...