... "how terribly strange..."

...I've been drowning in memories lately, looking at pictures ... young people, full of life and promise, now gone...much of my life, past...how do I deal with this gathering "gloom" ?....there's a Simon & Garfunkle song, "Bookends", it speaks of old friends, who sit on the park bench, like bookends....at one point, the poet muses, ..."how terribly strange to be seventy..." of course, first hearing this when I was 19 or 20 years old, the poignancy of that line didn't catch my ear...now, as I approach 60 and realize that I have already lived most of my life ... that I have managed to not "fit" in most of it, that I've screwed-up a lot of things and that I'm running out of time .... that line keeps coming back to me... and it's scary...my faith in God is not the question...when Mom was dying, I didn't blame God and I don't blame Him for all of my faults that have always kept me at a distance from most people...He doesn't make me feel totally out of step, I do it to myself...I'm not sure why I keep battling with myself and losing, but I do....I've hidden behind a wall of fat and tried to bury my pain in "things", cats, activities, food... the fact that I've never developed an alcohol or drug addiction is a miracle of God... I've had a few "moments" where I came close to "being like other people", but in the end, the way I've gone has always been a self-imposed, semi-isolation, generally suppressing enough angst to allow me to appear content and to function...and as long as I keep my distance, everybody seems happy ....I guess I just don't know how to "be" so everyone's OK with me....my eccentricities, manner and appearance generally do me in as far as most people are concerned...I've spent time with a counselor, who told me that I wasn't appreciated and that I was a good person....I knew that, but me knowing and believing it doesn't make anything different .... when I was younger, the intensity to make myself someone who could be a part of things would always drive people away...how many times can you be told that you are " the problem" before you accept it and stop trying ? how long before "withdrawing" from those you care about, but annoy, seems the kindest thing to do for everyone ? ....maybe it's the "season" ....maybe I'm just sad and tired ...maybe I miss people and places that are gone ....maybe , I blinked and I was old...I feel like the man in the hole...the harder he tried to climb or dig his way out, the deeper the hole got....perhaps I need to pray that Jesus will help me appreciate the hole, or maybe I'll just do what I've always done ... bury my pain and just move on, after all, I really don't think there is an answer beyond endurance... if there is, it has eluded me all my life ....so here I am...in the fall or maybe winter of my life and though I still "hope" to find my path to being truly a part of this world, I seem to fall back into a place, where despair tugs at my sleeve and the failures of the past mock my efforts to grow ... a state that is best described as, "terribly strange..."