...waiting for...

I'm feeling somewhat restless today...
as though I should be doing a certain thing...
but I don't know what...
unsettled... with nagging concerns in the back of my mind...



the buds on my weeping cherry tree are still closed...



though if you look closely, a tantalizing bit of pink can be seen...



and the first of the buds & new growth...
can be found in the top of the Meyer lemon tree...
[though it still has lots of fruit still ripening on the tree...]

so I don't think that it's spring I'm waiting for...
the time of planting and being outside more, will come...
whether I urge it on or not...

perhaps it's the Lenten doldrums...
or that I'm at a point in my life where there are too many "good-byes"...
and the sense of time passing too quickly...
as well as the fear of impending losses...
is un-nerving, to say the least...

the knowledge that my time of working towards things...
of thinking, "when I have accomplished this or that...then, I'll..."
or just the everyday business of going to work & living life...
is rapidly passing, if not finished in some areas...

even as spring is about to burst upon us again...
with her promises of the cycle of new growth and life...
I am surrounded by signs of the end of cycles...

Fluff, my eldest kitty, who survived an ulcerated eye last spring...
is now in the "skin & bones" stage...

she seems happy & behaves normally,ie: hisses & smacks Piglet on occasion...
insists on attention and massive amounts of petting...
& eats well, but her 20 year old kidneys & liver are not "helping" her...
and though I've found the "Senior" & "Special Diet" formulas...
of her favorite meals, which have solved the diarrhea problems...
she has steadily lost weight until she's just a fluffy skeleton...

it hurts my heart to feel the sharpness of her bones as I pet her...
but there is nothing I can do until she begins to be in distress...

then there's Thomas...

he still chases Sneaky Pie, but he has also become too skinny...
he pesters me constantly for food, reminding me of Mattie's latter days...
so that's another thing I'll need to deal with in the too near future...

I'm needing to deal with my physical health too...

I'm not over-eating, but due to physical pain & lack of strength...
I've lost muscle tone all over and as a result have gained some weight back...
all my smaller clothes still fit, but it's a vicious cycle...
and the warning signs are there, in BIG red letters...

...find a way to get my strength back... or I'm in BIG trouble...

what has worked well for me in the past was joining a gym...
weight training machines and stationary bikes
NOT an option anymore...
but where do I start on my own ?

just walking is not enough, for if I walk when I'm too weak in my legs...
and the extra weight along with the loss of muscle tone, makes me weak...
I screw-up my back because I have to walk "tight" to stay moving...
so I have to find a way of getting my strength back...

building my strength back will tone my legs & core again...
tightening-up the flab, easing the strain on my back & legs...
allowing me to walk more, with all the cardio benefits...
so I have to find an alternative to weight-training machines..

Friday, when I was "loose", I took a walk at an easy pace...
so as not to over-tighten & stress my back...
Saturday, I did isometric leg lifts from a seated position...
which addresses the weak thigh muscles very well...

I have tried to do them lying down...
but my back gets cranky and my umbilical hernia complains...
so doing something while seated was a real brainstorm...

I did both legs, but spent a bit of extra time on my left...
which has had strength problems in the inner thigh muscle for a while now...
that has made climbing stairs a real problem for me...

what has frightened me in recent weeks...
is the weakness that I've been starting to feel...
in my right thigh as well...

I also spent an hour on my feet, moving around, after the leg lifts...
so I didn't tighten up too much...

on Sunday morning at the church, I faced the short flight of stairs...
5 or 6 steps that I now usually have to go up, one step at a time...
but I decided to try climbing them like I used to, normally...
so I grabbed the railing on each side and to my surprise...
was able to climb them,"normally", though slowly...
for the first time in quite a while...

my left thigh was still weak, but did not give out...

when I got home, I was feeling quite sore & a bit stiff...
so I rested...

today, I feel stronger in my legs & have done some lifts...
as well as seated, isometric muscle tightening...
along with some stretching, bending & walking...

when I get home, I'll walk again...
stretching as I go, careful not to over-extend myself...
making sure that I don't tighten up my lower back...

I'm drinking as much water as I can...
and working on eating good things in moderation...
I had a bagel & some tea this morning...
it may not seem like much to you...
but I rarely eat breakfast, so it was an attempt...

I generally skip lunch if I have breakfast...
and today was no exception...
sometimes I eat nothing until late afternoon...
then it's generally an early dinner...

I realize that the total calories I consume are not too much...
& I really work at a balanced diet of healthy food...
but I need to eat at better times & there must be more activity...
so as long as I can achieve my activity & strengthening goals...
my diet will need only a bit of regulating & thought...
to serve my best health & fitness goals...

I know that God can't use me if I'm too weak to do whatever He asks...
so if I don't regain a viable health & fitness level...
all that I have learned about myself and all the problems I've dealt with...
will count for naught... it will be too late...I'll be past serving...

I don't want to miss out on these last chances to be who I'm supposed to be...



so in my weakness, I have His strength to help me regain mine...
and let my true self take flight, now...
before it is too late...and the darkness closes in again...

here's to a renewal of my health & fitness...
as well as all of the other parts of my life...

"...the time for the singing of birds has come"...