..."will catalog for catfood"

the storm which barely brushed us, has left us with a mighty sky...

sort of like my life lately...

the "little blessings" continue in the midst of gathering threat...

my PGE bill for Dec is $63...
[and I thought that the $86 from November was good !...]

I spent most of yesterday quietly...

I went to the Thanksgiving Mass...
thus having my feast of thanks...
then spent the remains of the day in quiet thought...
and re-watching, "Of Gods & Generals" & "Gettysburg" on DVD...
[about 7 hours altogether...]

if you have not seen these films[made for TV]...
they use "re-enactors" with accurate period clothing...
as well as being accurate in all other equipment & grooming...
period music, speech patterns, behavior & attitudes...

all the battle sequences for Gettysburg were filmed where they happened...

watching Civil War movies may seem NOT to fit with "quiet contemplation"...
but these are different, because amidst the carnage & horror of war...
the particular personages of Stonewall Jackson & Robert E. Lee...
are very Spirit-filled men, with a vital faith in God that I find inspiring...

in every moment of decision or stress, these men turned to God...
for strength & guidance, gaining a great peace amidst chaos...
this was not just a script, these behaviors and attitudes are well documented...
in personal correspondence and journals left by these men...

there they were, surrounded by horrible calamity, destruction & death...
responsible for sending thousands of men to their awful deaths...
still able to trust God with their entire lives...
often saying, "Thy will be done..."

not an untimely lesson for me...

I know that I do NOT wish to be anywhere...
other than where He wants me to be, even if it's painful...
or to be anyone, other than who He wants me to be...
even if it is a lonely road full of hard lessons...

I know that any deviations that I make...
make His will for me more difficult...
and if I really go astray, impossible...
so I want to stay on His path...

of course, the problem comes when I'm not sure where that path is...

it's been made clear to me by God...
that I need to hear His instructions...
and carry them out without delay or question...
because when I wait too long or try to rationalize...
they are no longer His instructions...

I fear, "fear"... being "helpless"... alone...

so I've also always been an,"attention junkie"...
notably from someone I like or admire...
and have found myself, enjoying the attention I got if injured or sick...
especially if I got comfort or attention no other way...

ironically, although I have always been comfortable, "on stage"...
I do not seek the spotlight and am embarrassed when receiving recognition...
but yet will desire attention when in any sort of distress...
a strange dichotomy for a narcissist...

not to be misconstrued as an excuse...
but these behaviors & feelings may also come from fear...
fear of being unloved, unwanted or unappreciated...

fear of failure to be "good enough"...

for me, those I care about or God...

so to combat those fears, I often try to "do something"...
because action gives me a release...
and I think, "at least, I did something", "I tried..."

but God doesn't want me to "try"...
"trying" is me doing it my way...

He wants me to wait for Him to tell me what to do, then to do that...
which leads into my need for more prayer, quiet contemplation & reflection...

if He doesn't give me instructions...
then He doesn't want me to act yet...
I have to learn to wait for His instructions, then act, when & as He directs me to do...

and in the meantime... wait...
resting on His promise to provide all my needs...
and protect me from the enemy...
calmly, joyfully, gratefully... wait...

so last night, I was asking for directions re where to look for work...
and that quiet voice said, "You should contact that family...
whose mother's service you sang for recently...
they might want a catalog made of her art work"...

then I saw myself composing the letter...
asking if they were interested in such a project...

so then I said, "Lord, if this is what you want me to do...
then let me think no more on it now, sleep well...
and think of it first thing in the morning..."

guess what happened ?

exactly that... precisely that way...

so as I write this, the letter, proposing this idea...
is laying next to my laptop, stamped and ready to mail...
along with a check for the 1st months payment on my car insurance...

I really wanted to just pay the whole thing and be done with it...
but He had other ideas, in the interest of proper asset management...
so I'm doing it His way, trusting that the money will be there...
when it's needed to pay the next installment...



so even though it's pretty gloomy outside right now...



I can see breaks in the clouds...patches of blue skies...



and I continue to hope in the goodness of God...
because He is... and all the time...