...unchartered lands

on November 25, 2007, I crawled out of the hole I'd been hiding in...

I had help... God sent some caring people to show me the way out...
and things have been, "interesting", ever since...

C.S.Lewis observed that in his life...
when things seemed to be going too well...
that's when the the learning phase, the growth phase would begin...
often, by turning everything upside down...
and dumping him into a world of anger, fear & pain...

in the last 2 years...

I've experienced unbelievable joy...
and unbelievable sorrow & pain...

the quiet perfection of rewarded faith...
of things hoped & prayed for, happening against all odds...

the cold shock of grief at the realizations of all my sins...
the sickening failures of my attempts to improve my character...
the clutch of fear & panic as the cold reality of my actions...
became all too clear and nauseatingly real...

the lessons attempted, failed, attempted again...
and failed again...

and with each attempt & failure, I see how much farther I have to go...
the task becoming more daunting with each revelation...

for a while, these realizations would so depress me...
I came close to just packing it in...
lashing out at those who tried to help me...
completely oblivious of the effect I was having on them...
hiding away again so I," couldn't hurt others, any more..."
[an excuse for not dealing with the problem]
but the God of hope, who had revealed Himself to me 2 years ago...
wouldn't let me quit...

in reality, I was protecting myself[as usual]...
from the pain and shame of seeing the unvarnished truth...
of seeing just how screwed-up I was...

the realization of the whole truth was devastating...
but after some time had dimmed the intensity...

I realized that, as awful as I was, I was His...
and if I would let Him... He would fix me...
make me new... heal the broken, twisted spirit...
make the crooked, straight... the rough places, smooth...

put me in a situation where I could earn my living, pay off my debts...
take proper care of all the gifts He's blessed me with...
be in a position to do the work He has planned for me...
and NOT be a stumbling block or toxic presence in the lives of those I care for...

but it had to be His doing...
as I have proven myself untrustworthy many times...
weak, self-centered and focused not on Him and His will for me...
but on my own selfish desires for love, acceptance and all the "good things"....

so as I look back over these past 2 years...

I'm thankful for so much...

for those who cared enough to help me...
for those who have prayed for me & my financial mess...
for those who have listened to me...
for those who have told me the terrible truth about my behavior...
and how destructive it is to a relationship...

this last part may seem a strange thing to be thankful for...
but I've NEVER wanted to be oblivious to my own problems...
and, unfortunately, for nearly all of my life, have been to this one...
driving away most of those who cared for me in the process...

if I still used the kind of language I used to...
I'd say that I was,"full of s***"...

so coming face to face with the unvarnished effects of my actions...
was horribly ugly, but instead of just another painful failure...
it was truly a blessing...because it woke me up to my selfishness...
made me face the sin I tried to hide from...
gave me a chance to be healed...

as I re-read some posts, as well as many post comments and e-mails...
that I wrote over the last 2 years...
I cringe at some of the glibness, the cavalier smart ass...
anything for a cheap laugh, the smirking "... aren't I clever ?"
the egocentric, narcissistic point of view that often crossed the line...
that missed completely what the other might have been thinking or feeling...
or needed or wanted to hear or see in print...

that I was being self-centered never occurred to me..
it was all about me, my thoughts, needs, feelings...
yes, this particular post is about me...
but then, this is my blog...
blogs are online journals...
this is where it can be,"all about me"...
and the reader can just dismiss me as a self-serving jerk...

I'm also not taking a shot at anyone but myself...
just accepting the blame for my own bad actions...
and since it's my blog, I am not invading anyone's space but mine...
nor am I being "cute" or glib... just honest...

interpersonal relationships can not be all about self...
or they are neither "interpersonal" or a "relationship"...
just more narcissistic blather...
and a real "pain in the a**" for the other person...

much more trouble than anything is worth...

so during the last few months, I've finally began to see the "enemy"...
and it was looking back at me from my mirror...
one of "BC's" minions...
doing its work, creating strife...

now, I've gone through a lot of self-loathing in my life...
blaming myself for all my failures, hiding away...
when I really felt, deep down, that it,"wasn't my fault"...
"nobody liked me", "they picked on me"...
"after all, I deserved some happiness, some of the good things..."
"someone to love me, who appreciated me, so I wouldn't be alone, anymore..."

someone real, not cerebral, like God...
other people were happy... why not me ?

so it was always a big-time pity party...
with me feeling the sorriest for me...
continuing to wallow in self-pity...
nursing my wounded pride & massive ego...

[as I said before,"... full of s***"...]

I don't know why it took 60 years for me to see it...
but I had to get to a place where I valued something enough...
that I wouldn't just,"get mad", say," to H*** with them", and leave...
keeping myself squarely in the center of my own little universe...

perhaps God had done just enough work in my heart...
that He could rip the bandage off, exposing the corruption below...
letting the festering mess drain, excising the necrotic tissue...
so I could let Him heal me this time, for good...

to take away the self-centered, hyper-emotional, effluvia...
the needy urge to make myself feel loved, feel included...
disregarding completely the needs or feelings of anyone else involved...
as long as I serviced my own distorted vision of my needs...

like most narcissists, all I could see was me & my feelings...

I didn't realize just how obnoxious,["full of s***"]I was being...
I was included, it was fun, I was enjoying the feelings I was having...
and completely ignored the effect my unconsidered actions were having on others...
and it's not as if I hadn't been told...
over and over, just how obnoxious, smothering, invasive & annoying I was being...

I often didn't hear... and when hearing, didn't understand...
and paid an awful price...

unfortunately, this destructive a situation wreaks havoc on all sides...

as I began to truly see my problem...
God began to reveal the damage that I had done to others to me...

it was NOT a good time... and has taken a while to work through with Him...
just what I have to allow Him to do in my heart & mind...
what is needed to detox my personality...

it is NOT lost on me that this, is probably the reason...
that I don't yet have a job...
I used to think that it was just my money attitudes that God needed me to change...
then the job would come...
now, on the eve of the 2nd anniversary of my rebirth in Him...
I understand that He wants a totally different me...

one that trusts Him for all my needs...
enough so that I don't smother friends with my neediness...
that I can accept and love all those that He gives me to love...
in His way, which is best for them, not mine, which is best for me...

that I can of my own scheming, take-care-of-myself-first ways...
accomplish nothing He's interested in...
and in reality, it causes more harm than help...
that my compartmentalizing, focusing intently on a few things...
ignoring the rest, is NOT loving or productive...
and in the case of people, absolutely deadly...

I know that there is more insight to be had...
but I must learn to leave the work to Him...

so I'm still a work in progress...
but at least now I'm beginning to understand that it's His work...
and therefore, His progress...

it may take the rest of my life...
but I know that I don't want to be anywhere ...
or be anyone that is not in His will for me...

I've definitely had enough of causing aggravation & pain to those I care about...
to those I've angered, annoyed, pissed-off or chased away...
I am sorry, but you were a needed tool to "get my attention"...
thank you for continuing the wake-up calls, until I heard it...

I hope that someday, you can forgive me for all my self-centered crap...

in the mean time, I wait, and watch Him work...
I pray that I can accept gracefully all the changes He's making...
I don't want to be "here" again... as least, not like this...
I want to be better...
and a whole lot easier to be around...

so I wait, calm & trusting in the face of losing everything...
because He has promised to provide for me, I believe that He will...
He has also promised that all things can be made new...
in His time & way... I believe that if I trust and obey, He will...

for me, it would be impossible, for Him, a walk in the park...
as long as I believe and allow Him to work His will in me...
I hope... for "the job"... a better, more people-friendly me...
I hope... and trust... and believe...

God is good, all the time...