...learning to listen

"The Whisper"

The man whispered,
"God, speak to me";
and a meadowlark sang,
but the man did not hear.

So the man yelled,
"God, speak to me !"
and the thunder rolled across the sky,
but the man did not listen.

The man looked around and said,
"God, let me see you";
and a star shined brightly,
but the man did not see.

And the man shouted,
"God, show me a miracle";
and a life was born,
but the man did not notice.

So the man cried out in despair,
"Touch me, God and let me know that you are there";
whereupon, God reached down & touched the man,
but the man brushed the butterfly away,
and walked on.

[author unknown]

[Vielen Dank to Lil'Sis for leaving me this poem in a comment...]

my current directions from God...
all seem to be pointing towards the conquering of "self"...

this not new, but seems to have gained a particular intensity...
over the past several months...
and is now in nearly every message I get...

I have never wanted to be oblivious to my effect on people...

but a combination of social awkwardness & trying too hard...
combined with a natural snarky-ness, tunnel vision & stubbornness...
have only served to exacerbate my narcissistic tendencies...
leaving me right where I never wanted to be...

the conductor of a professional choral group I sang with...
always told us, about the act of performing music...
"Don't enjoy it while you're doing it...
keep your concentration on what you are doing...
when it's over, you can relive it in your mind...
and then, you can indulge yourself in the enjoyment of it...
If you try to enjoy it during the performance, you'll make mistakes...
and then, no one will enjoy it..."

that advice has always worked for me with music...

I'm beginning to think that it may also apply to certain aspects of life too...

it's a lot like the point of the poem Lil'Sis shared...

I get so caught up in my situation & feelings...
that I can't see, hear, know or feel the answers that are there...

I want everything on my terms...
and when I get it, I don't "get it"...
because I'm not looking or listening for the answer...
just wanting... being focused on how I feel...
and I lose touch with the whole point of the situation...

this conundrum confuses no one, more than me...

but I'm at a point in my life where I'm tired of myself...

the misunderstandings, the self-centeredness...
and all the resulting ennui and estrangements...

I know that my best path is His...
so I have to learn how to hear & see...
and then, how to obey if I want to be led by Him...

and if I learn how to hear Him properly...
perhaps I'll also be able to hear those He sends too...



it strikes me as more than just a little ironic...
[God does have a sense of humor, doesn't He ?]
that all this is happening now, in the "autumn" of my life...
[at least, I hope it's just the autumn and not the winter quite yet...]

all the foliage that has had to have some cold nights...
in order to turn it's brightest & most intense colors...
reminds me that autumn is the culmination of the year's growth...
the harvest home, the bounty stored for the cold winter ahead...

all my failures have made me very sure...
that I want to hear, listen, see, notice & feel God speaking to me...

I don't want to miss His wisdom, instructions or grace...

so I have to avoid getting caught up in "self"...
what I want... feeling good... ignoring others...

He has sent "butterflies"..."thunderbolts"... "shining stars"...
"meadowlarks"... and the miracle of a "new life"...

sometimes in the persons of kind hearts who dared be sent as "meadowlarks"...
"shining stars", "butterflies" & even "thunderbolts"...
sometimes I "heard"... sometimes [too often] I didn't...
[hindsight is great... understanding it when it happens, better...]

very recently, God has had 3 main themes He's been addressing with me...

the first & foremost... He will provide ALL my needs...
I must not fear or panic, there is "plenty"...
let each day take care of itself...

secondly... I must forget the failures of the past...
there are lessons that I must take from them...
but I can't dwell on them or I can't move on...
so I must "forgive & forget"...
which is hard for me, considering some of the damage I've done...

thirdly... I must bring "self" under control...
not just the uncontrolled spending of money to please my wants...
[which has pretty much run it's course 'cause I'm broke...]
or the use of food & "stuff" to deal with emotional issues...
but the taming of my temper & my tendencies to be morose...

finding a way to always be calm, peaceful & serene...
amidst the chaos and strife I'm often surrounded by...
finding the discipline to exercise so that I don't become crippled with arthritis...
while paying more attention to my health and diet...
keeping my house, animals & other possessions in good shape...

I've turned over "new leaves" before...

been "forgiven" before...

and pretty much messed things up again...

*sigh*

so realizing that "talk is cheap"...
"actions speak louder than words"...
and that I have no right to ask anyone, "to give me another chance"...

I can only say that I am a work in progress...

that I hope to die to self...

that I trust God to finish what He started in me...
despite my interference & self-centeredness...

and that I look forward to that day...
when all the love, trust, effort & pain...
that some of you "butterflies", "meadowlarks", "shining stars"...
and yes, especially you "thunderbolts"...
have invested in me, will have its harvest...

that God will have successfully used all of you...
to help make me the person He wants me to be...

for that, I'm profoundly grateful...
and will do my best to be, "a quick study"...



God is good, all the time...