...in the gloaming

the light was fading fast...
all the street lamps had come on...
down at the circle...
the small patch of urban park was hosting
the final inning of a whiffle ball game
amidst the trees and gathering dusk...

the hum of I5 traffic, 2 miles to the west...
was an undercurrent to the stillness
that settled like a shroud over the still warm air...
hunching down over the neighborhood...
brown and smokey in the fading light...
without a hint of the delta breeze we generally enjoy...

the only sounds to intrude on the evening hush...
were the "coosh" of the ballgame...
the pop-pop of some early firecrackers...
a few random words...
the whoosh of a car passing...
and the incessant drone of the freeway...

as I started my walk...
I was reminded of another evening, 6 months ago...
when I went "walking anyway"...
after a difficult day...

I have been dealing with back pain for about 2 weeks now...
and haven't been able to walk...
today, I've been "tight"...
I woke up tight and sore...and so it remained...

I took a nap....and woke up stiff and sore...
I'm not really hungry, but find myself wanting to eat...
this is NOT a pattern I want to fall back into...
so I have to figure out WHY this is happening...

I have a LOT to do...a LOT to declutter...
that is... physically pick-up, carry out & throw away...
and if you understand the psychology of clutter...
you know that the clutter becomes a part of the clutterer...

as liberating as decluttering is...
the physical act is hard, dirty and wrenching...
and when you have a body that seizes at the advent of stress...
you have a problem...

since having clutter and being overweight
are very much the fruit
of the same defence mechanism...
my "nervous eating urges" are a reaction
to my current clutter distress...
as is the pain in my back...
[it's really pinched nerves...pinched by stressed muscles...]

the prospect of dropping a cool 25K on the bath redo isn't helping either...
besides all the stress involved with a month or so of chaos...
I've "lived" with contractors before...
it gets really old... really fast...

so I know that I have to get busy...
and move this stuff...
I'm NOT looking forward to the pain...
especially on my own...

in my quest to declutter... I've had help of all kinds...
I've had paid help that didn't work too well
because I got stressed by their "judgemental attitudes"...
got "sore", and had to stop...

some have had very good intentions in their desire to help...
but "took over"... insisting on doing things their way...
creating stress for me and while some problems were solved...
others were created...

not really my idea of "help"...
two steps forward... another step back...

there have been a couple of people who came to help...
and did just that...
they let me "call the shots"...didn't judge or complain...
just cheerfully worked with me...
did things I couldn't, without making a big deal of it...
and each time, after they left...things were better...

the places we dealt with then...
are still pretty organized...
even after a year or so...
some clutter has accumulated there...
but it was put there on it's "way out the door"...
and that is happening... slowly...

as I look at the impending bath redo...
I know that there are several clutter bombs I need to defuse...
for ease in the demo and removal of the bath fixtures & tile...
and I guess that's got me stressed...
making my back hurt ...
AND giving me the nervous munchies...

so this evening, despite the pain and stiffness in my back...
after 8:30 PM...I went out to move the sprinkler...
and just kept walking... down the street...
past the circle, with it's ballplayers...
around the corner and down the short route...

soon... I was at the site that had been my reward
for "walking anyway" that cold late fall evening...
now the street lamp, looking like the signature one from Narnia,
illumined the young green leaves of the liquid amber tree...

nothing spectacular...not at all like it was last fall...
but when I got home, I went in...
got my camera...and walked back...
taking the picture you see at the top of this post...

on my way back home...
as I was rounding the corner ...
by the now vacated circle park...
the university carillon, blocks to the north...
began to chime the hour...
a sound I've known for over 40 years...

it was now quite dark...but still so quiet...
even the hum of the interstate had faded...
as the now almost spent day seemed to hold its breath...
slipping gently into the arms of the night...

I walked past houses... some dark and still...
others with curtains drawn but lit from within...
the occasional hum of an AC unit...
but mostly open doors...and windows...
waiting for the cooling breath of breeze from the delta...

a lady walking her dog...
on the other side of the street...
going the other way...
holding fast, saying,"no !'...
with the dog straining at the lead...

I passed a cat...out for the evening air...
and thought of the Piglet...
already incarcerated for the night...
who would lobby for freedom on my return...

as I approached my house...
I was glad that I had "walked anyway"...
I wasn't rewarded with a breath-taking sight...
this time...
but at least I got back out there...
and tomorrow is another day...

I just have to "keep walking"...and see where it takes me...