...all around the cobbler's bench

I suppose
I should
be grateful...

Jesus was
attacked
for 40 days...

I only seem
to be attacked
for a few days
at a time...



of course...
the enemy did wait ...
until some nasty fever/flu thing
had me in it's grip....
and I wasn't thinking clearly...

and then it was "on"...

with sulphur smoke hanging like a heavy shroud...
the enemy fed my fever-ridden brain
a constant diet of reminders of my mistakes and shortcomings...
the unrelenting loneliness of my solitary existence...
all the pain I caused to those I cared deeply for...
and how totally undeserving of having any friends I was...

using all my feverish strength to try to focus
my rapidly down-spiraling state of mind onto Christ...
even while wallowing in the throes of pain, loneliness and despair...
I prayed for comfort and peace...
but heard only mocking, derisive laughter...
taunting me with all my feeble attempts at transformation...
and how they had changed "nothing"...

how I was a failure as a believer...
as a friend and as a human being...
doomed to live in isolation...
if only to spare those for whom I cared...
the burden of dealing with me ...
and all my "hopeless" baggage...

but through my tears, grief and pain....
underneath all the guilt ...
as I teetered on the brink of that "hole"...
I knew He was there...holding my hand...
telling me "don't let go..."

waiting ...

for me to look to Him ...
to stop "wallowing" ...
in the guilt, grief and pain of the past...
and to trust in Him... completely...
allowing Him to show me the way back ...
from the edge of that "hole"...

over and over...
I told the enemy to leave me alone...
and asked God to give me His peace...
and to forgive me ...
for revisiting all of my past failures...

again...

I asked Him to fill me with Himself ...
to help me to truly forget my old mistakes...
[as He had forgiven those things long ago...]
and to change me, so I wouldn't ever do those things again...

and as I thanked Him for all the miracles...
changes and blessings that I'd seen in the last 6 months...
not only in my life...but in the lives of my friends...
the malicious laughter would diminish...
and the choking smoke would dissipate...

I did this over and over...
for what seemed a very long time...
and each time...I felt better...
each ensuing attack was less violent...
until they stopped altogether and I was at peace...

after what had seemed "days"...[it was at least 3...]
the fever finally broke... the stomach flu was gone...
[the attacks stopped just before the fever broke...hummm...]
and though I'm still weak... at times still spike a bit of fever...
and am fighting a nasty headache...
my emotional and mental clarity has returned...
along with His peace...

this could have been the beginning of an epic depression...
and before... it would have been...
I know that I'm NOT yet, even close to the person God is changing me into...
and often, all I can see is that I still need SO much "work"...
making my path seem very daunting...
I just have to trust in His goodness...

still...I must be doing something right ...
or the enemy wouldn't be after me...
not this viciously or with such persistence...
I find that the closer I'm able to walk with God...
the more "interference" I get...
or just blatant efforts to spoil the joy in His blessings...
both in my life and in the lives of those I care about...

and of course, the enemy's tactics always include
"divide & conquer"... bringing up "the past"...
and fear...of loss of control in everything...
it's a good thing that we all know how to deal with him...
[trusting God... and dismissing the enemy with laughter...]
or we could be in real danger...

but the enemy is stealthy...
crafty...opportunistc...weasel-ish...
always looking for a crack...an unguarded entrance...
the chance to quietly do his worst before we know he's there...

so we must be on guard... vigilant...
staying always close to Him, who has saved us...
and can banish the enemy from our lives with just a glance
when we call upon His name...

I have my "mission" for the time being...
and, at least for the present, it is a solitary existence...
which is probably for the best ...
considering how much work
is left to be done in me...
I don't need the added guilt ...
of being a thorn in the side of anyone I truly care about...

but, as I rest now, to regain my strength...
I am encouraged by the many wonderful things
that I see happening all around me...
blessings in the lives of friends...
and, especially my VERY recent adventures on the edge...
jousting with that weasel, and all...






"all around the cobbler's bench...
the monkey chased the weasel...
that's the way the money goes...
*POP*... goes the weasel..."