...good news... and not-so-good news

Any homeowner has dealt with this situation... that your home, being in most cases the most expensive investment you'll ever make, will appreciate and depreciate in value, as the economy ebbs and flows. Since mid 2004, things have been unbelievably unpredictable. By the middle of 2005, my small house had a market value of over $400 K... I paid $85K for it in 1988... it is less than 1200 s.ft., but is in a "really good area". An area known for stable turnover and considered one of the "best" in Mudville. So I refinanced to get out from under an adjustable rate mortgage with a bank that has since gone broke. I was very conservative in my choice of mortgage[30 yr fixed, 6.87%, strong lender] and I didn't "max out" my value, 'cause it made me nervous.

Fast forward to the present,where I am in Chapter 13, discharging several credit cards and the home equity LOC at $84K & 8% over the next 32 months. I was able to keep my home by going the Chapter 13 route. Without it, I would have lost my home to foreclosure and eventually been forced into bankruptcy anyway. I had hoped to be able to modify my 1st mortgage, but I no longer qualify as I am not dead, totally disabled or in foreclosure. This has left me in a very tight financial situation with no savings to fall back on and making each property tax payment an obstacle to overcome, so the notice I received in the mail last week was "good news".

My property values had been
listed as $240K for the last
couple of years.
The only problem was that
at least a year ago, the
"market value" was $120K...

and due to the inflated value,
my property taxes were
about $750, two times a year...
and due to the fact the the state,
county and city are BROKE....
the chances for tax relief by way
of reassessment, seemed dim...


So when I received a new assessment for $120 K in the mail, it was Christmas in July.
Of course, I don't know how this affects my tax bill yet, but it should be lower.
My concern now is if I have to call the police or firemen to come to my home that I can now better afford to keep, will anyone show up in a timely manner... ?

...hitting, "reset"

in Spring...

there are signs of rebirth
that you come to expect...

such as the return
of the cherry
blossoms...

and the blooming of annuals...

planted in the gloom of winter...
sending down roots and waiting...

just waiting to smile up at the warming sun...

a bit tattered by the recent storms...
but now availing themselves...
of the full bounty of sunshine...


then there's the regeneration you never expect to see...

an apparently dead fern sending out new growth...

the "annual"lobelia,[Crystal Palace], blooming for the 5th season...

the thriving begonias I almost threw away last fall...

but since deciding to plant them anyway...
I have been treated to quite a show all winter...

there's any number of lessons to be learned there...

as there is in the persistence of the few stubborn iris...
who seem not at all interested in blooming...
then suddenly show spikes with buds...
though the once crowded beds...
now have only a few spikes of blossoms...

the lemon tree, a Meyer lemon...
[hybrid of an orange and a lemon]...
has ripe fruit, ripening fruit, developing fruit...
open buds and still closed buds all at the same time...
reminding me that for every thing there is a time...
which may some times, be all at once...

the mildness of February...
had encouraged these "Johnny Jump-ups"to start blooming...
the recent storms battered them a bit...
but the warm sunshine has made them smile...

and is making me glad that I spent the money in January...
planting the bud-less plants during the cold gray days...
so I could enjoy their cheer now...

these cherry tomatoes will give cheer of a different sort...
what with cherry toms costing $3 to 4 a pint...
and will taste great too...

these are a few more cherry toms...
as well as some Beefsteak hybrids for the back yard...
I can't afford the cost of water for a lot...
but I can grow a couple of plants...

I hope to add a couple of heirlooms later...
maybe even some green beans...
I also had a couple of squash starts that a hungry snail ate...

I finally got my roses pruned and am being rewarded...
with prolific numbers of buds on the ones I did first...
especially compared to last year when I didn't prune them at all...
so I never had much in the way of continuing displays...

and then there's this...

my flowering cherry tree in the front yard...

the storms messed-up the blossom displays in the back...
for both the cherry and the peach...

Mother Nature is hitting, "reset"...

and so am I...

my Chapter 13 bankruptcy has been filed...
my court date will be after Easter...
but I've already made my first payment to the Trustee...
which will continue monthly for 3 years...
at which time all my debts, except for my 1st mortgage...
will be gone...

I'm still hoping to modify my 1st mortgage...
as it is literally 2/3rds of my fixed monthly income...
[it should be only about 30%...]
if I can convince the ever-evasive WFB to modify it, even a little...
it will be a tremendous difference to me...

the difference between just squeeking by each month...
with little or no reserves...
and being able to build some modest reserves...
for emergencies or needed expensive repairs...

the lawyer's fee is coming out of the Trustee payments...
which is a good thing...
meaning that my meager funds will not have the burden...
of added obligations...

I just had my taxes done...
and the refund will cover the tax prep fee...
as well as my property taxes...
leaving me enough to service my car...
and replace my back door which has fallen apart...

AND...

a nice beginning of my cash, "emergency" fund...
since I no longer have any credit cards...

hopefully, I'll be able to add to it, bit by bit...
so paying my property taxes in December won't be so stressful...

the good news is that the significant financial losses...
that were reported to the IRS last year...
had a carryover this year, hence the refund of all taxes withheld...
and there will be the same carryover next year too...

insuring that the same income level will generate a similar refund...

there will be a carryover for 2012 too, just not quite as much...

what these regular infusions of cash will do for me...
now that I'm used to living on so little...
will be to allow me to take care of those home & car maintenance chores...
that I always used credit for, but never quite paid off...

so you could say that I've hit the "reset" button myself...

after all the years of stress and agony with a fruitless job search...
the crushing debt, the specter of homelessness...
the shame of my careless lifestyle being shoved in my face...
and the realization that I was, "poor", old & living on a fixed income...

I've finally figured-out how to live on very little...

it's not easy, having to be so careful with money...
but there is a satisfaction in controlling myself...
and watching the faithfulness of God in providing for my needs...
is really quite a joy...

it's also become apparent to me that besides learning to do with less...
my physical condition needs my attention...
as the arthritis has really hampered my mobility lately...
and I've come to realize that I probably couldn't have kept many jobs...

so, as I have slowly learned to deal better with my financial constraints...
I am learning how to best heal and improve my aging physical self...

not to mention the emotional & spiritual growth...

I am so grateful to God that He's lead me to this place...
and that His grace will lead me along His path for me...

not too many people my age get to hit,"reset"...
with positive results, that is...

and now that many things seem to just be "falling into place"...
the unbounded grace of God, just blows me away...

Thank you, Jesus !

God is good, indeed...

...stepping off of the edge

well, it's getting closer...

a process server served me with papers the other day...
I'm being sued by one of my creditors...
I had 30 days to respond, so I called the lawyer's office...
and went in yesterday, since the summons wasn't clear...
as to the details of what I needed to do...

and since nothing has officially happened with the 1st mortgage holder...
I had NO clue as to what to do next...

the associate I spoke with was very helpful...

after ascertaining that my only income can't be garnished...
[since pensions & retirement benefits cannot be seized to pay debts...]
and that "repossession" was not an issue...
her advice was, "ignore the summons"...
since that debt was to be included in the Chapter 13...
that we were beginning soon...

an emergency exit for the maze, as it were...
which was something that I did not expect...

so with that issue "moot"...
we turned to discussing their fee for the Chp.13...

$3500... $1750 now... $1750 after...

at that point, I had to tell her that if I didn't eat for 6 months...
I still couldn't come up $1750... much less $3500...

so she said that she would go in and talk to the "boss"...
to see what he could do for me...

she came back with the good news that they would drop the fee...
from $3500 to $2200... AND allow me to pay in installments...
to the trustee of the Chp.13, along with the settlement...
which they will try to keep at $75 per month...
since the 1st mortgage modification hasn't gone through yet...
and that filing bankruptcy often screws up the modification process...

the lawyer told me that,"I was really lucky to have come to that firm"...
because, "he always tries to help those who are in dire financial straits"...

I smiled and told her that I was sent there...
and we did both mean the church's lawyer, who referred me...

but I am also quite thankful that God cares about foolish old women...
who get themselves into big trouble through missteps & carelessness...
but then, can trust enough to allow God to bring them through the maze...
even though at times it seems hopeless...

she also informed me that ALL my credit card companies...
including ones that I was paying, such as a gas company one...
a department store one and the small credit limit Visa...
would close my accounts as soon as I filed...
so I should stop paying them now...

I also was warned that my bank, WFB, is one of a few...
that freezes ALL accounts when bankruptcy is filed...
even if you are current on all payments to them or owe them nothing...
so I have to change banks... and quickly...
since all 3 sources of my income are "direct deposits" into WFB...

not to mention the "auto pays" using my ATM card from WFB...
for my car insurance, homeowners insurance, cell phone...
I also pay my city utilities, gas & electric & everything else I can...
online...using my ATM card...

then there's the automatic 1st mortgage payment...

so changing banks is a major undertaking for me...
since some of those who are paid automatically...
require a lengthy processing period to change anything...
and keeping all my bills paid on time...
while extricating myself from WFB...
with whom I have no bad blood...
will be tricky at the least, possibly quite difficult...
requiring planning & a bit of good timing...

part of the problem is that my insurance companies give me a discount...
for the auto pay and changing the source of the payment...
may result in me having to pay extra, which I can't afford...

thankfully, I have God on my side...

if the mortgage modification of my 1st doesn't go through...
I have alternatives...
but I have to keep paying the current amount in the meantime...
which is 66% of my monthly income...
leaving me with not a lot to live on...

however, the attorney did tell me to stop paying ALL credit cards...

so that does leave me with about $75 more per month...
and since Fluff is now gone...
I no longer need to spend $40 on special food for her each month...
so I have about $100 I didn't have before...

if the 1st stays the same, I can still start the bankruptcy...
as the minimum payment is $75-100 per month...

and if the first is never modified or reduced at all...
I just might make it...
especially if I can learn to follow His instructions better...

I might even be led around the maze...

or, which is more likely, guided through the confusion...
to emerge wiser and safe, on the other side...

left to my own devices... I might have found the cheese...
but would STILL have been, stuck...
going in circles... or worse

...hmmmmmm

a month or so ago, when the prospect of singing a couple of pieces...
from our upcoming Renaissance group concert...
for the church that was allowing us to perform there for free...
first came up, I thought, "no problem"...

I really had to be there since we are only "4" at the moment...
and the pieces we were planning on singing have 4 parts...

but, since their service started at 11 AM...
and ours, which begins at 10 AM...
is usually finished by 11:15 at the latest...
I didn't see a real conflict...
the choir anthem at Offertory[the main event] was always done by 11...
and I could leave before Communion, with BLT in command...

anyway, that was the original plan...

then God decided to teach me a few things about trusting Him...
and leaving everything in His hands...
[not so easy for a "fixer", aka control freak, to do...]

I've had some experiences when I've been able to just, "let go & let God"...
some rather recently as a matter of fact, and quite amazing...
but there have been and will, unfortunately, continue to be, those times...
when, though I know better, fear will sneak in...
and before I realize that I'm trying to "fix it" myself again...
I will have taken control back and chaos will ensue...

the first note of fear was heard...
when I learned that the Bishop would be visiting us that Sunday...
not the best time to "leave early"...
oh, and he would be doing some confirmations then too...

now would be a good time to mention...
that I really enjoy our Bishop's sermons...
he has a delicious sense of humor and always has a timely message...
the only problem is, that he is rarely, if ever, "brief"...

I've never minded his lack of brevity before...
because he is not redundant...
and the message always leaves one with much "food for thought"...

but...

having him preach on the day that I needed to leave by 11 AM...
did not bode well for a graceful exit on my part...

one does NOT get up and walk out during a Bishop's sermon...
and... the sermon comes before the choral anthem...
with the confirmation ceremony coming after the sermon...
also before the choral anthem...

then I was told that on a visit to a nearby parish...
he had recently given a 42 minute sermon...
that's when that quiver of fear established itself...
in the pit of my stomach...

I was toast...

I was probably going to end up embarrassing both myself...
and our parish...
the pressure was building and there seemed to be no way out...

I tried to "fix it"...
by manipulating the performance time at the other church...
to be as late as possible and hoped to hear from Trumpetman...
that he had managed it, but his e-mail confirming the call time...
said, "see you at 11:15-ish"... RATS...
that meant that I had to leave by 11...
as it can take 10 minutes...
to get from my church downtown to the other church...
which is near my house...

about this point, I gave up...

I could hardly walk from the stress and hurt all over...

so I finally did what I should have done when this conflict arose...
I just gave it all to God to work out the details...

He'd been trying to get my attention...
as I had become, more & more stressed...
He reminded me of how L&C just, worked...
because I gave it completely to Him...
and trusted Him to do what was best for us...
according to His will...

how my financial tribulations were also being worked through...

then I heard Him remind me of how much I could mess up things...
if I insisted on trying to "fix" everything myself...
it's taken a lot of pain and aggravation...
[for myself, as well as others...]
to get me to realize that there are things...
that I just can't fix...
and shouldn't even try...

that's His job...

so I let Him have this mess...

as I became more calm...
my mind began to focus on what I needed to do...
I organized my concert folder...
flagging the 2 pieces we would sing...
I practiced the places that I kept stumbling over...
I went through my choir folder...
and made sure I had the anthem in it...

the anthem we were to do was in the L&C folder...
but since I would need to travel light...
I put it into the choir folder...
and left my bag in my car...
pocketing my cough drops...
I also planned to use a pew hymnal...
leaving mine in my bag...

I brought my blazer on a hanger...
[I might want to be more dressy...]
but left it in the car...
wearing my rain jacket as it was pouring Sunday morning...
I decided to park on the street by the south entrance...
as this would allow me to leave...
as unobtrusively as possible...

I would take my cassock & surplice with me...
so I hid my rain jacket under a cloth...
that was covering a rack of music stands in the vestibule...
planning to remove my vestments...
and grab my jacket on the way out...
[the vestibule is outside the sanctuary...
but still inside the church...]

so now I waited for the singers to arrive...

trying to remember to poll the choristers re Christmas Eve...
because I wouldn't see the choir before then...
and, since I had included in my prayer to God...
that we would have all the needed singers there...
both for Sunday and Christmas Eve...
in spite of the people who I knew would be MIA for both...
I just kept calmly reminding myself that,"all will be well"...

I asked BLT to conduct the anthem...
since I didn't know when I'd be leaving...
and it was only fair to let him do the rehearsal...
since he might have to conduct the anthem...

at this point, in walked Hummingbird & Basso[her hubby]...
who I hadn't expected to have present, so that was a good thing...

as I looked around...
I realized that there were only a couple of MIAs...
a soprano, a tenor & a bass...
but we had 3 sops, 2 alti, 2 tenors and 2 basses...
if even BLT was directing & I would be gone...

the numbers for Christmas Eve were also good...

so the service began and seemed to be moving along at a good pace...
and when the Bishop began to speak, it was only 10:15 !

it was another good sermon...
and it was only 20 minutes long...

then came the confirmations of 5 people...
which also went quickly and suddenly...
it was time for the choir anthem...
at 10:55...
pretty normal on a day that had promised to be anything, but...
so since he had rehearsed them, BLT directed...
and for the first time in over 3 years, I sang in the choir...

then I just turned around as the choir resumed their places...
and during the Doxology, walked out the south door...
pausing in the vestibule to remove the choir vestments...
and don my rain jacket...

I stepped outside to note that it was not raining at all...
I got into my car, & headed for the other church...
there was NO traffic at all and I hit EVERY green light...
[that has never happened before...]

almost before I knew it, I was pulling into the parking lot...
4 or 5 minutes, the quickest trip, ever...
but there was one unwelcome sight...
the church "board" advertised the service at 10:30...
not at 11 as we had been told...

as I joined Silversop walking towards the church...
we saw that the patio gate was unlocked and open...
and there was Trumpetman, waving us back to our warm-up room...
we went into the gym and sang through the Byrd a couple of times...
adjusting our standing positions and getting focused...

my voice was rough, though I'd been eating cough drops and swilling water...
so I asked God, who had been so faithful in working out all the details...
of getting me there, to heal the roughness in my voice...
& to allow me to do a good job...

we went into the sanctuary at the appointed time...
and sat in the first row while they took the offering...
as I sang the Doxology, the roughness in my voice was still there...
then we went up to sing...

have I mentioned that BOTH songs we were singing...
began with me alone...?

the first one with low notes which needed to be velvety...
had been anything but in warm-up...
the second one with, what should be, flute-like higher notes...
which had been very rough, all day...

Trumpetman gave me the starting pitch on his recorder...
then I opened my mouth and out came velvety low notes...
continuing throughout the entire piece without a crack, break or rough spot...
after the applause stopped, he gave me the pitch for the 2nd piece...

I took a breath, opened my mouth and out came the lively tune...
with a lighter, flute-like sound that continued to not break...
despite the presence of groups of higher notes throughout...
with not a "frog" or crack in the entire 2 pieces...

after the service...
we schmoozed a bit with the congregation...
finalized our dress rehearsal details...
then went on our merry ways...

as I made my way to my car...
through the now, resumed, rain...
I realized that I always used to feel...
such a great sense of relief...
when a stressful performance was over...

and that there was none of that here...

then it came to me that I didn't feel the relief...
because letting God handle it...
had taken away all the stress...

I had no release or let down...
because I had no stress or worry...
and I have to say...
that as good as "being done" always felt...

this was better...

no ups & downs... no anger or elation...
just an even keel...
a calm feeling of, that's done, what's next ?

it was a good feeling...

I looked at my clock when I started my car...
it was only 11:47 AM...

God is good, indeed...
and He's the One who can truly fix, every thing...

but we have to stay out of it...
and let Him have His way with it...

...the journey is officially, "under way"

the day after I met with my HUD counselor...
and she informed me that she had just faxed...
my 1st mortgage modification application...
for the third time...
I got a form letter from WFB...

they thanked me for my "interest" in modifying my loan...
blah, blah, blah...
and then asked me to contact them with ALL the materials...
that have been submitted 3 times now, since 9/17/10...
[blah, blah, blah...]

I suspected that this was really bankspeak for...
"we are going to drag this out by confusing you"...
and, "we're hoping that you get frustrated...
so that we can continue to bleed you dry...
while we muddy the waters with requests for unneeded documents"...

well, the months of dreading the possibility of this process...
the pain of realizing that I had come to this place...
the really humiliating moments of telling a lawyer my situation...
and then contacting and finally meeting with the HUD counselor...

have toughened my resolve to trust in God...
and see this really unpleasant time, through...

on Dec.9, when I met with the HUD counselor...
and she told me that she had just submitted all my paperwork...
for the third time without any acknowledgement...
that they'd received it except the fax cover sheet on the last try...

the form letter I got yesterday was dated Dec.9...
so I guess the 3rd time was the charm...

I called my counselor to let her know what I had received...
and that I assumed that since I was dealing with the bank...
through them[the VHB HUD company]...
that I didn't need to respond to WFB in any way...

she affirmed my thoughts and said...
that I was correct in thinking that any phone calls...
or materials sent to them would only "muddy the waters"...
and allow them to stall longer...

so at least I know that WFB has my application...

and my counselor is sending a package to the holder of my 2nd...
who are threatening "foreclosure"...

but she has assured me that since the 2nd holders' claim...
is less than half of the first AND I'm upside down to both...
AND my only income are pension/SS payments that they can't garnish...
with no savings or assets they can seize...
there isn't much that they can do...

this also goes for the credit card companies...
who have now resorted to nasty letters from lawyers...
aka.collection agencies...
as well as the daily phone calls that leave voice messages...
which I delete without listening to...

but nothing can begin for me as a solution to them...
until my first is modified...
so I'm pleased that the process which should have begun in September...
has finally begun in December...

I'm told that it can take 4-6 months to modify a mortgage...

and, of course, all my paperwork that was current in September...
is a bit out of date in December...
but I did just resubmit income verification[pension pay stub]...
and bank records for Nov./Dec. for the 2nd package...
as well as the SSA "benefits payment" verification letter...
so at least that's available from the counselor...

we're to meet after the first of the year...
and see where we are then...

hopefully, there will be a happy ending...
sometime in the future...

but I must share that as daunting as this experience has been so far...
I have been able to find a sense of peace & calm in trusting God...
and though I know that there will be more scary moments ahead...
He will be with me, guiding my steps and holding my hand...

that His will for me, will prevail...
and that's enough for me...

God is Good, Indeed...

...an abundance of kitty blessings

I was at DP yesterday...
and considered buying a 16 lb bag of cat food...
the bin was rapidly becoming empty...
and the cold weather makes them hungry...

but it was several dollars more than it is at WW...
and I need to go there for litter soon anyway...
[it's nearly $2 more at DP, $3 at Raleys... each !]
so I followed the little voice that said,"wait"...
I got my 5 flats of Fluff food, a new bone for Molly & left...

all the canned & dry food I've been able to get from the church...
has really helped stretch the pet food budget...

the 6 flats of larger cans that should have only lasted until now...
have almost 4 flats left because of the other cans I've gotten...
and I have enough dry dog food for months...
I don't take the canned dog food... Molly doesn't really need it...
and it's good for them to have for walk-ins...

I find it quite interesting...
that we do get calls for dog food at our food pantry...
but not for cat food... not at all...
and of all the kinds of cat food out there...
that the kinds we get through donations...
are exactly the kinds my kitties need...

so today, as I contemplated my excursion to WW...
for litter, Excedrin and dry cat food...
I was surprised and happy to see new boxes of pet food donations...
sitting on the floor in front of the food pantry shelves...
since they usually come a couple of weeks later...

I don't need any dog food, so I checked-out the cat food...
and there were 2, 8 lb bags of exactly what I needed...
also several smaller bags of other dry food...
including one that I could feed to Fluff...

as well as a number of loose cans of their faves...
and... a 24 pack of their 3 favorite flavors...
the ones I get in the bigger cans...

this was a real blessing !

and the timing was quite appreciated too...

since I had just discovered that my bag of teas,etc...
for the choir, Lessons & Carols Dress rehearsal break...
[this Saturday...]
was NOT where I thought I had left it last year...
so now I need to spend $ on cups, tea, instant coffee, condiments, etc...

but since I now need to spend only about $60 at WW instead of $100...
[no cat or dog food needed & not as much litter as usual...]
I should be able to squeeze my budget and get the choir supplies...
[I have a bunch of teas at home...]

and just about the time that I'll run short of money, close to Christmas...
my first SS retirement benefit payment will arrive...

not a lot... only about half of what I should get...
but enough to keep me going...

God is good... and His timing is perfect...
as is His selection of kitty food...

...trying to let go, again

I've found myself in some strange places...
especially since the financial ruin set in...
but none stranger than this...
because since the 6 phone calls from creditors on Sunday...
there have been none, zero, nada, zip...

which leaves me feeling a bit weary...
of what might be next...

this has been a bumpy path for the last 2 months especially...
with an average of 6 to 8 creditor calls a day...
from 4 or 5 different callers & I don't respond to them at all...
but they have persisted until now...
taking off Thanksgiving, but returning with gusto the next day...

due to several factors, I have become more isolated...
finding myself following harder and more lonely paths...
but this has forced me to see more of God...
leaning more on Him than myself or others...

finding the path I'm following a real test of my faith...
and a totally revamping of my priorities and values...

from time to time, I find myself at what appears to be an impasse...
with no way out, darkness & fear closing in...
and the searing pain of my numerous failures gnawing at my soul...
and then, I turn to Him...

trusting in His protection & guidance...
and the peace comes, wiping out the fear & pain...

a pathway that I had not seen there before...
is there...
no fanfare, or miraculous moments...
just quietly there...

and I continue...

today, I was prompted to remember my battle with cancer...
how safe I felt after I "embraced my fear"...

and the devotional reading for today spoke of embracing the cross...
how we must accept Christ's death as the central focus of our walk...
then we can embrace our own cross, our pain, fear and loneliness...
the same thought appeared in Fr Tb's sermon at midday mass...
in honor of St Andrew, who is depicted as embracing his own cross...

a random thought once...
but appearing 3 times in the space of 3 hours...
that's more like a message...
directly to me...

to embrace the pain of my mistakes in relationships and finances...
to accept the way things are with thankfulness for God's leading...
most assuredly to hope and pray for God's grace to heal the damage...
and to change me from within, into who I should be...

but then, I've thought that I was changing before...
and have been disappointed in myself & my return to bad habits...

only God can heal me and mend the problems that I've caused...
the question is, will I let Him...
can I stay out of the way, shut up & let go of what I want...
and accept what He gives...

joyfully, allowing my entire self to be transformed...

by His grace, I pray that I will...

...against all odds

I've been doing a lot of swimming upstream lately...
so God has been teaching me some new "strokes"...

He's been dealing with my control issues...
and tendencies to get stressed as to "where" & "how"...
all the issues of my existence that I have "entrusted" to Him...
will be resolved or dealt with...

the most daunting is the issue of money...

I realized months ago that the first week of December...
would require an lot of cash...
my 6 month car insurance premium [$440]
my car registration renewal [$149]
and my 1st installment property taxes [$738]
and I had no clue as to where the money would come from...

well, they say that God works in mysterious ways...
and I could have never imagined the scenario that has unfolded...
in order for these needs to be met...
[and it's not even Thanksgiving yet...]

some of this is recap, so bear with me...

last month, I received a new card for a credit card...
that I hadn't used in a long time...
it has a $500 limit, so I activated it...
when I went to the DMV site online...
I discovered that I could use it to renew my registration...
so I did... which solved part of the problem...

encouraged...

I did some reading of my car insurance premium notice...
and discovered that there was a monthly payment plan...
WITHOUT an installment fee of $5 per month...
IF I set-up auto-payments...
so I did that too...

another problem solved...

also in October...

I went for my bi-annual cleaning/check-up at the dentist...
only to discover that their method of billing has changed...
meaning that my long-held, and now paid for by me, dental insurance...
was no longer cost-effective...

it used to cover all check-ups & cleaning completely...
now, only about 50%...

the dentist forgave me the $106 that was now a co-pay...
but it got me thinking that since my next appointment/cleaning...
wasn't until April and I was "paid-up with the insurance until March...
maybe I could cancel and get a refund...

so that's what I did...
[I'm not going to have it anymore either...
saving the $680 payment due in March...]

of course, it takes a month to cancel...
then they send a check, etc., etc., etc...
so I've been waiting & watching the mail...
because it's been really wet...
and lately, the carrier has been putting it on the wet doormat...
instead of in the mailbox, leaving me with a soggy mess...

so yesterday, I was thrilled to find the check...
in the mailbox, nice & dry, in plenty of time...

also in the mailbox was a notice from my homeowners insurance...

I'd been told that they would pull a payment of $64 in November...
[I had set-up auto-pay with them...
to avoid a similar monthly installment fee...]
the surprise was that they would pull the first payment in December...
so that meant that the $64 sitting my checking account...
earmarked for insurance could now go towards the property taxes...

I deposited the insurance refund in the bank on the way to the church...
while I was there, I was given a check for $500...
a refund for my Columbarium niche...

if you're keeping score, I now have $500, $171 & $64 towards the $738...
only $3 short, and it's not even Thanksgiving yet...

I believed that He was going to provide for those big expenses...
over $1300...

I could have never guessed or even figured out how...

God is good, indeed...

...some light from ahead

I've been traveling up/down a twisting road for several years now...
and there have been both, "ups" & "downs" aplenty...

sometimes the way is shrouded in a mist or dark with danger...
and the fear & stress zap me, big time...
sometimes there is more light, ahead, and I feel more secure...
but always, the end is nowhere in sight...

moments of stress and fear for the outcome...
can turn into calm & peace as I learn to let go and trust Him...
and though the stench of sulphur in the air...
doesn't always dissipate quickly or completely...

the more I trust, the less I smell it...
and the quicker I can deal with expelling it...
regaining the calm center of trust that I need to keep...
to allow God to have His will be done...

I've been concerned lately with some large bills...
[property taxes, car registration renewal, car insurance 6 mo. renewal]
all due in early December, [2nd,8th & 10th]...

I've also been finally "caught up with" by my 2nd mortgage holder...
they sent me a registered letter, which I responded to...
but the next day, they left a letter taped to my front door...
and last night, their representative made a second appearance at my door...

he was an older man, [my age], wearing a tie and was very kind...
he listened as I explained some of my situation...
I told him that I wasn't answering the phone calls...
because I only had a limited number of minutes & couldn't afford large bills...

that I was working with a HUD agency to try & modify my 1st mortgage...
but that it hadn't gone through yet...
and that I had a call into them re the 2nd mortgage holder...
that I had spent ALL my savings paying my bills while looking for work...
work I still haven't found...
that my pension didn't cover both mortgage payments...
and that I had no funds to pay the 2nd mortgage holder...
or the credit card companies...

...all true...

I didn't mention the words, "lawyer" or "bankruptcy"...
both the lawyer AND the HUD people have advised me...
that I should volunteer as little of that kind of information as possible...

so the very nice man, who was sympathetic to my situation...
said that he would inform the 2nd mortgage holder of my situation...

I alluded that when I contacted the HUD agency again...
I would discuss the possibility of trying to modify the 2nd...
but that I had been told to do one thing at a time...
[which is true...]

the lawyer has advised me against modifying the 2nd...
and to put it into the bankruptcy action...
but if the 2nd mortgage holder would significantly reduce the principal...
really lower the interest, thus cutting the payment drastically...
I might consider it, if I could swing it financially...

I'm really just stalling for time...
hoping the modification on the 1st mortgage goes through...
and soon...

the elephant in the room is that the total amount that I'm upside down...
in the 1st & 2nd together...
is equal to the current value of my house...
so including the 2nd in the bankruptcy may be my only choice...

but the timing is critical...

and the path for this part of the journey is still obscured...
as is the timing, out of my hands...
I'm just glad that God is in charge...

along other fronts...

it has been my experience that when God is truly working things out for me...
that things just seem to fall into place... out of the blue...
beyond anything that I could engineer or manipulate...
so I consider the appearance of this very nice & sympathetic man...
from the bank, that I needed to make contact with but had to control information to...
on my doorstep, making non-threatening contact with me...
to be one of those organic works of God...

it has allowed me to release some built-up anxiety that I wasn't aware of...

so this morning, after balancing my checking account...
I felt it was time to look at some of these impending bills...

I had heard back from the Social Security Administration...
the morning after I applied for benefits and will start receiving payments...
on December 22... for a whole $228... not the $540 I was due...

they deducted my CalSTRS pension & arrived at the $228...
I suppose I should be grateful for that...
most of my retired teacher friends get nothing...
but then they get more from CalSTRS as they worked longer...

so I knew that I wouldn't have a timely payment from SS...
to help out with the BIG, early December bills...
the first of which was the 6 month car insurance renewal...
$446 due on December 2, 2010...

I read the back of my car insurance bill...
and learned something useful in the small print...

I could pay on a monthly payment plan...
which I had been avoiding due to the installment fees charged...
without being charged an installment fee...
IF I was enrolled in the auto-pay program...

I have been in the auto-pay program for a while...
but for a 4 month[$112 per/mo] payment plan...
which I would "trump" by paying the full amount...
to avoid any installment fees...
but neither of those plans, suit my situation at this time...
and whereas their website allows me to change my payment method...
it does NOT allow me to change the payment plan...

so after changing my payment method back to my checking account...
[from the credit card that now hates me and has "suspended" my account...]
I called the 800 number, attempted to speak to a computerized menu...
waited through a number of annoying "prompts & ads"...
mostly telling me how I could do everything, "online"...

then finally spoke to a nice young man...
who changed my payment plan to a monthly one[$75per/mo]...

there would be NO installment fee...

then I went back to my online banking & transferred money...
so my payment of $75 on 11/17 would be funded...

having done that, I no longer had enough money left in savings...
to pay the $149 car registration renewal due on Dec.8, 2010...
so I went online to the DMV site...
and found that I could use a credit card to pay the renewal fee...

however, even though I had just gotten a new card from B&N...
with a $500 credit limit and I had owed them zero for a long time...
I had stopped using that card because even though I had credit...
they would often decline it...

but I figured, nothing ventured, nothing gained...
so I entered in the credit card info on the renewal page...
and it was accepted !!!

so now, as opposed to a couple of days ago...

I have taken care of both the car insurance issue...
AND the registration renewal issue...
have made contact with the 2nd mortgage holder...
and found out that the B&N credit card does work !

of course, there are still the property taxes due on 12/10/10...
and the new monthly expenses for the car insurance premium...
and the credit card I used...
but there's also the SS benefit of $228...

and hope for a speedy resolution to the mortgage modification situation...
with the attendant bankruptcy issues...

there seems to be light around the bend...
God is good...

...seek & you shall find

December is rapidly approaching...

for many, the expense of holiday gift-giving or feasting, looms large...
for me, it's the specter of property taxes, car registration renewal...
and the 6 month car insurance premium...

all due within the first 10 days of December...
[not to mention a 55K maintenance on my car...
the cost of which I can't even consider at this point...]

so I've been "hunting"...
for ways to accumulate enough cash to take care of these bills...
[totaling about $1400.00...]
and still have money for cat & dog food...
not to mention, "me" food...

today at the church, I was given more dog & cat food...
a new supply had just come in... both canned & dry cat food...
as well as dry dog food... and it's exactly what they eat...
so since I had just got "Fluff food" & litter...
that problem is solved for a while...

I cancelled my paid-up to March, dental insurance...
the refund will be $170.00...
I'll get a check in a couple of weeks...
it's no longer cost effective...
and the idea to cancel & cash out, "just came to me..."

that will take care of the car registration renewal...

but for the rest, I'll have to "dig deeper"...

I called the guy who worked on my professional musical instruments...
and has sold many of them on consignment since I retired from the symphony...
he may owe me for some bells & will get back to me if he does...
he said he did a while back & I have gotten no check from him since...

I could sell back the columbarum niche I bought at the church...
that was $500... I hope I won't need that anytime soon...

I do have a credit card with no balance...
and a $500 limit which I could use for the insurance premium...
but that's my,"emergency in the middle of the night" card...
[ie, emergency vet, medical co-pays, etc...]

I have applied for Social Security benefits...
I am vested into the system...
and my estimated monthly benefit would be about $500.00...
though retired teachers always get less than what they've earned...
if anything at all...
due to the state teachers retirement system payments...

but mine is low... so perhaps I'll get something useful from the government...

at this point, I'm investigating all possibilities...

I have a jar of change to count & cash in...
also a few old "silver certificates"...
and then there's the ring I wore for many years...
yellow gold with 5 diamonds, [cost $1500]
it's too big now... I might sell it if I can get a decent price for it...

not much else to sell that's worth much...
but I believe that God will provide me with the money I need...

I just have to find it...

...grace under pressure

I must be on the right path...
because the enemy is really trying to trip me up...

focusing my attention away from the extreme calm I've been feeling...
letting little annoyances and physical pain, that I have no real control over...
get to me, cause me to lose my temper...
and destroy my sense of peace...

or maybe I'm just being taught to be "calm"...
no matter how I feel or what happens...
and how to find that calm again when it seems to have slipped away...
or has just plain vanished due to my anger or lousy attitude...
by concentrating on trusting in Him & His plans for me...

because, God is Good... all the time...

...hearing things

the other day, early in the morning...
I walked through the kitchen on the way to let Molly out...
my ears were a bit "plugged" and as they "popped"...
I noticed a faint, pinging noise...

kinda like the sounds we used to hear when "dial-up" was connecting...

it sounded like an "alert" of some kind...
so I checked the GFI outlets... nothing...
the microwave... radio... stove... phone...

*nothing*... except that sometimes, it seemed louder...
depending on which way I was facing...

I checked the 'fridge... coffee maker...

*nada*...

so I went on about my day, completely confounded as to the source...
but every time I went through the kitchen...
there it was... unnerving and frustrating me by turn...

unnerving, because I was sure it was some sort of alert...
frustrating, because I couldn't find it...

so I "lived with it"...



becoming more & more annoyed...
all the while becoming more & more mystified, as to the source...

then Monday, when I was released from jury duty...
I decided to tackle the stove & kitchen counters...

in the course of putting away a pan...
I open the doors of the storage drawers where I store pots & pans...

and noticed that the sound was louder...

after storing the pan...
I closed the drawers and opened the top drawer...
as I pawed through various gadgets...
searching for the noise that was now quite loud...

I located meat thermometers of different kinds as well as timers...
all silent... but the noise continued...
so I pulled the drawer all the way out...
and there in the back, hiding under some stuff, I found the source...



the probe wasn't connected...
but the alert button/power had been pressed...
by a "board scraper" that had gotten pressed down onto it...

I depressed the "alert/power" button for a few seconds...
and... the annoying noise was gone...

*peace*

it's a relief to know I wasn't imagining it...
but an even bigger relief to find & silence it...

...here we go again

though I have always been lumped-in with Lucy's snark...
by many who have known or thought they knew me...
I have really always identified with Charlie Brown...



because I always hope...
even though the results may seem pre-determined...
and previous failure seems to mock my current attempts...




I climb back onto that little boat to "try again"...



hoping that the outcome will be positive this time...

for those who can't read between the lines...
school began a week ago...
& the district is just now starting to post vacancies...
since they haven't completed the inter-district transfer process yet...

there are 2 Music resource positions...
"...7/8 grade interdisciplinary integration of the arts with other subjects..."
I'm qualified for this, BMus, MMus, life K-12 Music credential...
besides the multiple subject lesson integration training as an LMT...
not to mention 17 years teaching 7/8 instrumental music...

there are also "multiple English positions at multiple sites"...
I have a "life intermediate [gr6-10]English credential"...
and taught 7/8 English & reading[REACH certification] for about 10 years...

so I sent an e-mail to HR...

last year, since I'm a retiree...
they didn't want me to fill-out the whole packet...
so we'll see what happens...

these music resource jobs may be glorified "classroom music"...
but it is my preferred age group...
and today, there were 2 "music resource" positions listed...
as well as the "multiple English positions"...
and I do have the proper credentials, not to mention 21 years experience...

so we'll see...

at least I know now that I won't "un-retire" until they make me...
I'm allowed to earn $31k before it affects my retirement...
the starting salaries are $39k...
but that that is the least of my concerns at this point...

there might be exemptions that I qualify for...

another bonus...
if I teach & can stay under the level they allow me to earn...
still continuing to get my pension...
the money I earn teaching now will raise my monthly retirement benefit...

and I can apply for Social Security benefits after October 22, 2010...
at which time I turn 62...

so...




here we go again...

determinedly into the fray...
watch out, all you windmills !

...still waiting

still waiting... still believing...

...choosing to believe

well, here I am again...
approaching the edge with no job in sight...



if I go forward, trusting in God's provision as I've been instructed...
all that I can see is a rough path that appears to descend into ruin & loss...



with no way across the vast expanse of deep & stormy water...
definitely no options of my own making...

but God continues to say that He must be my only supply...
and that if I can overcome my "self", letting Him do it...
I will be taken care of...
in ways that I can not even begin to understand at this point...

so I continue to seek His will, as well as work...
and I choose to believe in His provision, despite the gathering darkness...



I choose to "let Him have the burdens" that are too much for me to bear...
all the ways I've failed, all the mistakes & misunderstood instructions...

I choose not to let the icy grip of fear take hold of me...
I choose to trust in His promises that He will make "all things new"...
I choose to "be calm & hold on to His hand through the storm"...
and I wait... with hope... and joyful anticipation of His miracle working in my life...



God is good... ALL the time...