...stepping off of the edge

well, it's getting closer...

a process server served me with papers the other day...
I'm being sued by one of my creditors...
I had 30 days to respond, so I called the lawyer's office...
and went in yesterday, since the summons wasn't clear...
as to the details of what I needed to do...

and since nothing has officially happened with the 1st mortgage holder...
I had NO clue as to what to do next...

the associate I spoke with was very helpful...

after ascertaining that my only income can't be garnished...
[since pensions & retirement benefits cannot be seized to pay debts...]
and that "repossession" was not an issue...
her advice was, "ignore the summons"...
since that debt was to be included in the Chapter 13...
that we were beginning soon...

an emergency exit for the maze, as it were...
which was something that I did not expect...

so with that issue "moot"...
we turned to discussing their fee for the Chp.13...

$3500... $1750 now... $1750 after...

at that point, I had to tell her that if I didn't eat for 6 months...
I still couldn't come up $1750... much less $3500...

so she said that she would go in and talk to the "boss"...
to see what he could do for me...

she came back with the good news that they would drop the fee...
from $3500 to $2200... AND allow me to pay in installments...
to the trustee of the Chp.13, along with the settlement...
which they will try to keep at $75 per month...
since the 1st mortgage modification hasn't gone through yet...
and that filing bankruptcy often screws up the modification process...

the lawyer told me that,"I was really lucky to have come to that firm"...
because, "he always tries to help those who are in dire financial straits"...

I smiled and told her that I was sent there...
and we did both mean the church's lawyer, who referred me...

but I am also quite thankful that God cares about foolish old women...
who get themselves into big trouble through missteps & carelessness...
but then, can trust enough to allow God to bring them through the maze...
even though at times it seems hopeless...

she also informed me that ALL my credit card companies...
including ones that I was paying, such as a gas company one...
a department store one and the small credit limit Visa...
would close my accounts as soon as I filed...
so I should stop paying them now...

I also was warned that my bank, WFB, is one of a few...
that freezes ALL accounts when bankruptcy is filed...
even if you are current on all payments to them or owe them nothing...
so I have to change banks... and quickly...
since all 3 sources of my income are "direct deposits" into WFB...

not to mention the "auto pays" using my ATM card from WFB...
for my car insurance, homeowners insurance, cell phone...
I also pay my city utilities, gas & electric & everything else I can...
online...using my ATM card...

then there's the automatic 1st mortgage payment...

so changing banks is a major undertaking for me...
since some of those who are paid automatically...
require a lengthy processing period to change anything...
and keeping all my bills paid on time...
while extricating myself from WFB...
with whom I have no bad blood...
will be tricky at the least, possibly quite difficult...
requiring planning & a bit of good timing...

part of the problem is that my insurance companies give me a discount...
for the auto pay and changing the source of the payment...
may result in me having to pay extra, which I can't afford...

thankfully, I have God on my side...

if the mortgage modification of my 1st doesn't go through...
I have alternatives...
but I have to keep paying the current amount in the meantime...
which is 66% of my monthly income...
leaving me with not a lot to live on...

however, the attorney did tell me to stop paying ALL credit cards...

so that does leave me with about $75 more per month...
and since Fluff is now gone...
I no longer need to spend $40 on special food for her each month...
so I have about $100 I didn't have before...

if the 1st stays the same, I can still start the bankruptcy...
as the minimum payment is $75-100 per month...

and if the first is never modified or reduced at all...
I just might make it...
especially if I can learn to follow His instructions better...

I might even be led around the maze...

or, which is more likely, guided through the confusion...
to emerge wiser and safe, on the other side...

left to my own devices... I might have found the cheese...
but would STILL have been, stuck...
going in circles... or worse

...onwards & upwards

as I wait for approval of my mortgage modification...
I am in an "interesting" interval in the meantime...
a "holding pattern"of sorts...

definitely, a place I've never been before...

when I was younger, I used to take stairs 2 at a time...
never being concerned with the railing...
whether ascending or descending...

but now that I'm no longer as strong or agile...
stairs are a concern... railings, important...
and the ones before me have no railings, a steep pitch, no end in sight...



and look, just plain "scary"...

until the mortgage gets modified, [if, they accept my application...]
I have to pay the first mortgage, taxes & insurance...
which leaves about $600 to pay my utilities & gas[$250]...
food & supplies for me & the critters[$300]...
and about $50 for anything else...

so far this month, anything else has included...
vet visits, chiropractor visits, hair cut, etc...

I have never been in such a situation where there was NO fall-back position...
in the past, when money was short, there were always credit cards...
or my folks, or extra music income or some other answer...
so for me, these are un-chartered waters...

I guess God wasn't kidding when He said that He would be my only supply...

I received my car registration renewal in the mail today...
I've always just written a check & paid it right away...
or more recently, just gone online & paid it...
but I can't do that this time...

it's only $149, but I don't have any un-budgeted money...
at least until October arrives, and then things are still very tight...
but then I remembered that I'm going to earn $100 on Monday...
so now I only need to find the other $49...

and hope that the mortgage modification goes through...
and quickly too... the HUD counselor told me that 2 months is "quick"...
4 months is average and it could take as long as 6 months...
they could turn me down, but she doesn't think they will...

so in the meantime, I wait...

I can't file Chp. 13 until the mortgage is modified...
so until then, I'm receiving "hate mail" from the holder of the 2nd...
as well as the 4 credit card companies...

I say "hate mail", because the one advantage of no longer having a home phone...
is that they can't call me & try all their sleazy guilt trip tricks...
I have had enough of that to deal with already & don't need more...

when the 1st is modified, hopefully down to around $650...
[including taxes & insurance]...
and the bankruptcy court & the lawyer negotiate a monthly fee...
to be paid to the creditors each month for 3 years that I can live with...
then things will be better...

especially if I can receive Social Security benefits after October 22...
or if I can find even a small job...

of course, I'll be paying the lawyer for a while...

and I have some big bumps in the road coming up...
car registration renewal, 1st installment of property taxes...
car insurance renewal, dental insurance premium...
2nd installment of property taxes, car insurance renewal...

so this will be an interesting journey...



I really can't wait to see what He does next...

...bc has a new tack

after what has seemed like way too many "broken"...
or "not working properly" things around my house in the last few months...
[with NO money for service calls, repairs or replacement...]
I was hoping that bc would get bored & move on...
at least for a while...

the most recent problems, that have his paw prints...
include the broken back gate lock & the clogged water line for my washer...
which happened after the water was off the other night...

the return of the water pushed all sorts of sediment into my pipes...
which I was successful at clearing from the faucets...
but only a service guy can clean out the washer water supply line...
and that service call costs over $100...

so now, the washer fills so slowly that washing a load takes nearly 3 hours...
and I've taken to doing laundry, overnight...

today, a much more insidious tactic emerged...

it has come up before...
most recently about a month ago when I got home from the market...
and discovered that a container of yogurt...
purchased by the customer in line ahead of me...
had been put into my bag by mistake...

realizing that if I took it back, they would have to throw it away...
I just went ahead & ate it...
but apparently, the hook was now baited...
& bc waited... for me to not be "paying attention" ...

today, I had to go buy cat & dog food...

having discovered that DP has lowered their "case" prices...
to compete with WallyWorld[at least on what I need to buy...]
I went there...

I found a 40 lb bag o'diet dog food [Purina] on sale for $25.00...
[$15 less than similar products of the same size that I used to buy...]
I also got 4 24 can flats for Piglet & Fluff of the Turkey they thrive on...
[case price $.41 per little can]
and 3 24 can flats[bigger cans, $.79 each] of the kind the rest eat...

the salesperson seemed a bit dense, but finally figured it out...
and eventually gave me my debit card tag to sign...

it was only $72...

now that may seem like a lot to you...
but I do this every 6 weeks to 2 months...
and it's always over $100...

3 cases of bigger cans=$56.88, 4 cases of small=$39.39...
that's $96 already... without the dog food...

so I looked at the charges...
and there it was...

she had charged me for 1 can, [$.79] 3 times...
instead of 1 case, [$18.96] 3 times...
since I had already signed the debit ticket before I realized her error...
I then had to spend quite a bit of effort...
convincing her that she had made a $60 error in my favor...

it took longer than it should have to get her to understand...
then we had to start all over again with the manager...
since she had charged me for one can from each flat...
and would now have to charge me for 23 cans in each flat...

the guy waiting behind me in line understood me from the get-go...

finally, the manager understood me...
told the clerk what to do and I paid the nearly $60...

so as I loaded it all into my car...
I reflected on my narrow escape...
resolving to pay better attention in the future...
as bc is now, apparently, not just content to break things...
that I can't afford to fix...
he's now setting traps for me when I'm not paying attention...

perhaps I need to include a garlic necklace in my wardrobe..

...B.C. strikes again

I continue to see amazing blessings all around me...
God answering prayers, uplifting His servants, blessing their efforts...
so of course, B.C.[basement cat] feels the need to impose himself on my life...
trying to bring me down, 'cause you know he just hates to see me smiling...

and he is really, insidiously sneaky...

he tries to pile up the usual holiday blues with my financial situation...
a deadly combination that can get to the most optimistic of souls...
my assorted aches & pains, not to mention being a bit tired & stressed...
with yet more painful reminders of just how badly I've screwed things up...

&, there it is, depression... lurking on the horizon...

but I'm NOT giving in to self-pity...

I may be broke, but God has promised to provide for me...
I have NO idea how... but He's promised...
I have to deal with the consequences of all my stupidity...
I hope to become a better person, but that takes time...

I've earned the uncomfortable place that I occupy...
as it were, "a sentence that I must serve"...

this is not a pity party, just the facts...

so, B.C.... you & your minions can go straight back to where you came from...
I don't want to play your self-centered games anymore...
if I "go down", I will not take anyone else down with me...

may all that I must bear, be for the glory of God...
and any blessings gained by bearing it...
be used to bless those who I have hurt...
or antagonized by my self-centered behavior...

God is good, all the time...
and He will deliver me from poverty, fear & loneliness...

...a crappy day

ever had one of those days ?

I've had several in a row, escalating to today...



& today has been one of those,"aw crap", days...



where no matter what you do, you find yourself "stepping in it"...

yesterday, it was other drivers trying to "take me home to Jesus"...
and the sooner the better... several tried, none succeeded...



I blame the enemy, aka Basement Cat, for this onslaught...
as I try to maintain a thankful attitude while I wait for word...
I have become more strung-out from the months of job-seeking...
I know that I am less patient and much more easily blindsided...
because I'm ready for it to be over, but still, I need to wait...



and BC is subtle... reminding me of all my shortcomings...
my failure to be a good friend, lack of exercise...
postponed projects, good intentions limited by physical pain...
and we're not going to mention my front yard...
now an "official wilderness area, with "high savanna grass areas"...

and since the whining has now officially begun...



besides the arthritis pain, that kept me from sleeping last night...
now that it's colder...there are the sinus headaches...
then there's the ATT repair guy who called this morning just after 8 AM...
[I had just finally gotten to sleep...
and they were supposed to come check-out my phone tomorrow...]

so I got up & was barely dressed when he showed-up...
nice guy...said it was probably their wires...
since the high winds started it...
[incoming calls ring only once, a short belch...
& then if I don't pick-up, right away, I lose the call...]

so after informing me that:
a] the new utility pole is connected to the old one in such a way...
that ATT can't access their transformers on the poles...
b] the new heating/AC unit in my basement completely blocks access...
to the incoming phone lines, so they can't even test them...
c] they would have to completely redo all the outside wiring...
to even check my phone...

then...after they figured-out how to check it...
they informed me that the problem was inside my house...
[in other words, I now owed them $55 for the service call...
and they problem wasn't fixed yet...
they would be happy to repair it for me, at a gazillion $ per/hr...
or I could hire someone else... I chose the latter...
my outside driveway light doesn't work...
& if I can find the $ to get my electrician [semi-retired]to do it...
he can probably fix the phones too...
I also had my suspicions about the failure of the DSL confirmed...
the microwave is improperly grounded, causing the static...
I don't know if anyone can get to the problem area...
without de-constructing my kitchen...

so for the time-being, I seem to be swimming in a morass...
and BC is enjoying itself...
but I'm working on sending it packing...
which will be much more effective than this is on kitties...



click on the picture to enlarge...

cat staff persons out there everywhere...
can you only imagine the sheer joy of a remote with these capabilities ?
it boggles the mind...makes my heart beat faster...
and a sure sign of the impending apocalypse...

and as for you,BC [& all your minions...]



PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFBPT !!!

[AHHHH...I feel much better now...]

...how I REALLY spent my birthday

the day before my birthday, I went to the church...
did some work, posted my birthday post...
then went home to ready the trash for pick-up the next day...

that's when everything went terribly wrong...

I was bent over, reaching out to lift a bag of trash...
up & out of my kitchen trash can [it wasn't at all heavy...]
and suddenly, I was hit with a wave of pressure & pain in my lower back...
as I tried to straighten up, it hit my lower abdominals...

it was like being in a vise, with pressure & pain on both sides...
I was frozen, I couldn't stand up, or move at all...



this has occasionally happened before...
so I tried to relax & catch my breath...
then s-l-o-w-l-y, I straightened up...

there was extreme pressure & pain in my lower back...
caused by a nerve pinch of some sort...
creating major muscle spasms & rigidity...
all resulting in pain & a frightening lack of mobility...



I managed to get relaxed enough to walk, which was quite difficult...
and since I had NO choice, had to finish doing the cat boxes & trash...
bending over was OK, once I got there...
straightening up again... quite another issue...

I knew that I had at least one pinched nerve...
so I called my chiropractor for an appointment...
I had to wait about an hour...
and remained seated on my bed until time to leave...
because I knew if I laid down, I might not be able to get up...

after he un-pinched the nerves, I came home to lay down...
[I'm guessing they were the S1, L5, L3 & L4 nerves...]
he also did some work relaxing muscles that had been spasming...
and sent me home to...



REST...the main remedy...

laying on my side, then on my back [on my air bed]...
initially on my heating pad...
plus some very moderate walking, hot showers and Excedrin...
are the only other things to do...
[this is not the first time this has happened...]

so I spent the rest of Wednesday & most of my birthday, resting...
doing some easy walking around, cleaning & watering plants...
though I did go to a rehearsal in the evening...
where helping me down the steps...
became the comic relief for the end of the evening...
[sitting for any period of time requires a great effort to re mobilize...]

today, I am quite sore, but feel much better after I get moving...

now, I just have to get past that first step...
'cause it's a doozy...

God is good, all the time...

"...we are not offering you a contract position at this time"

the letter came on Tuesday and by that time, was no surprise...



since school had been going before my interview, I had figured that not getting a phone call early the previous week couldn't be good...



I had been quite calm and positive while I spent those 10 days waiting...
even towards the end when all that was left was the "thunk" of the other shoe falling to seal my fate.

They did say that they would "keep my name on the sub list", but I need full-time work... I'd need to "sub" every day to make enough to pay my bills & living expenses.




at this point, I'm barely holding on. My bank account will get me through September.



If I can get the little that's left in the Putnam Fund before it evaporates...
perhaps I can keep my nose above water for October, but without a job, and soon...I will be unable to pay my bills/living expenses after that.



So I'm here...still being told to wait...
to trust...all the way to the end...
[which I now know will come in October...]



I know that there are those of you who think that I am crazy...
to not be out, finding any sort of thing to scrape together some money...
but He says,"...wait..."

"Doing it myself", out of panic or impatience would be to disavow His control in my life... been there, done that and look where it got me...

[I found some very helpful material on the idea of "waiting"...
click here for a link, "click" to be redirected, wait for the icon "Godly Man to appear on the right, click it and then click on "Waiting for God" on the lower right of the menu...
it is worth the trouble...]



He does talk to me and He's telling me that none of the jobs I've looked at so far, were the right one He has for me...and since my track record with job-related stress is counter to everything I need to become, I want to be in that "right" job... I have to listen, not just,"uh-huh" Him & do as I please...
Letting Him put me in the "right" job is essential.

I also know that my attitudes about money & my handling of it, need to be changed to conform with who He is leading me to become. He has every step, every encounter, all my comings & goings scripted and I must learn to discipline myself onto this path before I will be ready for that job. I must be patient, as calm, peaceful & positive in my heart & mind as His grace can make me. I can not give into the fear & panic that the pit of my stomach wants me to embrace. I either trust Him to the end or I am lost.



and so, I wait upon His pleasure and pray confidently for the grace to make it through...

God is good, all the time...

...ISP -less, in Mudville

yes... I did talk to "tech support"...[in India...]

more than once...and once was more than enough for me...



yes... I unplugged everything...[several times...]
plugging it back in several times...

all this was after I had begun by carefully unpacking the DSL box...
identifying ALL the parts...
READING the instructions carefully...[several times...]



I did encounter a couple of problems...

the phone jack box nearest the computer fell apart...
and needs to be rewired...

I stretched the phone line from the wall phone jack in the kitchen...
plugged in everything...and all the lights lit on the modem...
uhhh... except the "Internet" one...
[tech support said that it should be "on"...
implying some grievous genetic problem on my part as the cause...]

and the program/software reported,"failure"...



so I repeated all the steps with all the same results...
[tech support,"it should be working, ma'm..."]

I have an ADT system hard wired into my phone line...
but that hasn't been a problem before...
[I did have "dial-up"once...]

I also have a Mac...
but all my research on that subject has not indicated a problem...
or a solution...

it has occurred to me as I gain experience on my MacBook Air...
which is running the same OS as my home computer...
that it is different...

my MacBook Air has an Intel chip...
my home Mac has a Mac chip...
so perhaps the new Mac [Intel] chip is required to operate the DSL...

when I get home, I'll try to fool around with my MacBook...
it doesn't use an Ethernet cable...but rather a USB connection...
I think I saw one in the DSL box...my MacBook has 1 USB2 port...
but one is all I need if it works...

that would tell me what I need to add to my 2001, dual processer G4 cpu...
[which worked just fine on broadband, thank you very much...]
I already knew that I needed to add a USB 2 port[it only has USB 1...]
but I don't think that I can add the Intel chip...
and I can't afford to replace a perfectly good, working system...

I'd go back to broadband from Comcast[for $60 p/mo]...
before I could spend a cool $2500 on a new Intel "cpu"...

I need to fix this situation soon...
it's inconvenient & annoying...
not to mention that I'm paying for a service I can't hook up...
and that... is getting old...fast...

hopefully...I'll find a solution...
before I have to resort to this...

...avoiding doggy laringitis

it's almost 10:30 PM here in Mudville...
it's much quieter outside than earlier...
although when we went outside for a last bathroom break...
there was still a bit of activity afoot on the All Hallows Eve...

much earlier... it became abundantly clear...
even to my still drug shrouded brain...
that Mollie would go absolutely batso...
with all the noise & trick or treaters out there...

so about 5:30...

I did something that resulted in this...



[you know they're really pissed when they huddle...]


I allowed THE DOG in the inner sanctum...



she came in and hopped up on my bed....
quiet as could be...
the din from the costumed looters outside...
being accompanied by the occasional menacing growl of the "P-Oed Piglet"...

after about an hour of "togetherness"...
I went to make some toast & peanut butter...
and get some more Sprite...
there was another "stop" too..use your imagination...

I also used this moment to put down more cat food...
since Miz Vacuumouth was safely sequestered...
and when I returned to the bedroom...
the first thing I saw was their cat food dish...
on the floor...empty...
[it had been on the dresser...with some food...]

Molly was still on the bed...
trying to attain plausible deniability...
as I "informed" her of her transgression...



attempting to look ashamed...
she stayed on the bed for a while longer...
but soon moved to the floor...
until I got up to take her out one last time...

upon our return...
her disappointment at not going for a walk...
quickly turned to other venues...
as she attempted a quick slurp of cat food...

after a few more admonitions from me...
and a few "subtle" reminders that she has her own food...
she scarfed it down quickly...had a drink...
and is now laying here...
keeping her eye on the cat food...

I'm going to put the cat food in the microwave...
and then go to bed...
because every part of me hurts...
& the instructions say "no aspirin" for 10 days...

they lied to me...

actually, I asked about...
no aspirin for 10 days before...
no problem... they said...
but...
they didn't tell me it was for 10 days after...
that I was going to have to go "cold turkey"...
[no Advil either...]

and, of course... I have NO Tylenol...
except with the buffered aspirin in the Excedrin...

maybe tomorrow...

unless I can't sleep tonight...

...one lucky cat

["Lucky Cat"]

early Friday morning...around 4 AM...
I became aware of "clunking" sounds outside...
as I listened... and became more awake...
I realized that it sounded like someone...
was trying to to open one of my windows...
from the outside...

since I live alone...
and the kitties can't open the old double hung,
wood frame windows... with broken sash cords...
I was understandably frightened...

I put on my robe...
and turned on the bedroom lights...
I didn't hear the scurrying departure sounds...
of a would-be intruder that I had feared...
but I still heard the clunking...

I walked into the hall...
then the office turning on lights as I went...
noticing a bevy of cats...
reacting to the same clunking I was...

I stood in the office, window open...
listening... nothing...
then... as I turned off the light...
I heard it again...
it seemed to come from the bathroom...

I flipped on the light and looked in...



there was Cagney... in the window...
between the glass...which had been open...
and the screen... which is wired shut...


[I didn't make her stay trapped while I took pictures...]

that window sash cord has been broken for years...
and since I need the ventilation...
especially at night...

and the kitties LOVE to lay in the sill...

I have a piece of 1" x 2" that I use to prop the window open...
I jam it into the window track, so it won't get knocked over...
because that window is heavy...
and would fall like a guillotine blade...
on any unsuspecting cat who knocked the support loose...

but that must be exactly what happened...
she must have knocked the support out of place...



the clunking that I heard...
was trapped Cagney... rattling the loose window...
trying to get out... she didn't even cry...

Friday... 08/08/08 is considered by the Chinese...
to be the most fortunate day in this entire century...

it certainly was for Cagney ...
who emerged from her ordeal...
not only unscathed... but non plussed as well...

as soon as she had a drink...
and I was sure that she was unharmed...
she hopped right back up into the window...
and went back to sleep...

a very lucky cat...

God is good indeed !