...keeping the faith

seems like I was "just" here...
and I was... along in November...



then a door opened in January...
and a loan has kept me "afloat"...
paying the large "chunks", like property taxes...
and several "annual" premiums...

but just like the balcony beyond the door in this picture...
there is an end coming, probably by July...
when I will, unless I find work, find myself left once more...



in a spot like this...


I continue to move in areas of growth & trust...
fighting against the voices of the world...
which attempt to undermine my hope & trust in God's provision...




lately, He's very clear about me being close to the goal...
but that I must keep believing and not quit until my goal has been reached...

in my case, I believe that joyful, thankful trust in all things is essential...

I must continue to be unwavering in being grateful...
allowing nothing to sabotage my peace & joy in His ability to save me...
trusting completely that "All is Well"...
joyfully accepting that all that I am going through...
is part of His plan for my best good...

I have a version of this quote in a frame at home...
I've always drawn comfort from it...
and it gives me comfort now...


“When you have come to the edge of all the light you have
And step into the darkness of the unknown
Believe that one of the two will happen to you
Either you'll find something solid to stand on
Or you'll be taught how to fly!”

Richard Bach


but recently, I've really come to like this one too, perhaps even more...

"faith is not, belief without proof...
but rather, trust, without reservation"...[author unknown]

...waiting on the coming of the light

I'm in a place that I haven't been before...



at least, not with this sense of peace...



the road ahead is there, but I can't see much of it...
at least, not with my own power...
for that I must trust in His Light...



I know that I'm being led...
but I have to keep my eyes ever focused on the Light...
and not be concerned about the path...



though the way is shrouded in darkness... mostly uphill...
and unknown to me...
there is just enough Light, if I trust...



and as I move through each pool of Light to the next...
the swirling fog of uncertainty...
and the darkness pull at my sleeve...

like a insistent cat wanting "pets"...
threatening to un-sheath it's claws if ignored...



the Light sometimes, seems to slip behind clouds of doubt & fear...
leaving me to remember & trust that the Light has not gone...
but that it is only my own doubt & fear that block It from my eyes...
when I leave the doubt & fear at His feet, the clouds part...



and as the skies lighten with the promise of dawn...
you realize that the Light has never left you...
but lies within...
waiting for you to embrace it and allow it to burst forth in joy...



and even the disorientating fogs of the morning...



or massive storm clouds...



can not keep the Light hidden from the believing spirit...



so praising God, you rise up...
above the fear & doubt that pull at your sleeve...
and hide in that knot in the pit of your stomach...

up into the Light



and as you do, your Path becomes much clearer...



your soul finds Places of Refreshment...



until you have to set off once again...
down that often difficult & frustrating road...



knowing that as long as you can keep your eyes focused on the Light...
you will be led and all will be well...



so you continue to wait upon the Light...
filled with a peace that is beyond all understanding...
God is good, all the time...

...the "plots" have thickets

yes...I can hear some of you groaning...
it is a bad pun...but it got your attention...
and it is, unfortunately, true...

the raised beds, or "plots", my garden has to go in...
have "thickets" of weeds...
not to mention, junk piled on them...

all of which has to "go"...
before I can prep the soil & plant...

so to bring you, gentle readers, "up to speed"...
here's what I have gotten myself into...



this large square box once had corn...
and even was an herb garden for a while...
the last few years, it was home to the beefsteak tomatoes...
since they get so big...
there is also a smaller box for my cherry tomatoes...
which I put in a "square cage"...
adjacent to the bottom corner of the larger box...

now, the larger box has a bunch of Japanese maples...
a volunteer fig tree & a tangerine tree in residence...
all of which have to "go away"...
to a different home before I can start to prep this plot...
where I think I'll plant the 2 crookneck squash...
the 2 zucchini and the Armenian cucumber this year...



this the pathway between the "bean box" on the right...
and the tomato box on the left...
all that stuff that looks like wheat...
is some sort of grain from the birdseed spill...
there are alo a couple of volunteer sunflowers..



this is the long, narrow "bean box"...
before I moved the bag of weeds to the path...
to the right, you can see the bottoms of the bean poles...
just waiting to be driven into the ground...
and strung with twine for bean climbing...



here is the main tomato area...
with an old wooden arbor/fencing in parts...
they have to be moved,"out"....
beyond the bean box is another tomato area...



here you can see an axillary tomato box...
just below the bigger one...

all the boxes have underground drip irrigation...
several of which are in need of replacement...
after the top is cleared off of each bed...
then the drip has to be pulled up & checked for leaks...

the soil has to be tilled...
[I use a Garden Weasel]
then amendments added...
[I don't have any compost yet...]
then the Morcrop fertilizer...
finally, the drip hose has to be "buried"...
and tested...

then there's the black plastic weed block sheets...
that has to be fitted & secured...
and in the bean box, the stakes have to be driven in...
and string strung...

only then can I actually plant my garden...

I will then "cage" the tomatoes & cucumber...
put down snail/slug bait...
[too small for the cats or dog to ingest...]
then crawl inside & collapse...



in the meantime, here they wait...

I'll do the beans first...
since I know how they will grow & attach themselves...
to each other, making a giant mess if I wait too long...

then the squash & cucumber...
before they "bolt"...

& finally, the tomatoes...
they will "wait" the best...

if I had more sun...
I'd do peppers & eggplant too...
maybe even corn...
but my trees are too big...
so I'll content myself this year...
with that most summery of smells...

warm tomato vines...
sending out their intoxicating scent...

I'm hoping there will be plenty to share...
especially the "cherries"...

yum...

...bah, humcat [aka, the light at the end of the tunnel...]

I suppose it was bound to happen as the bathroom project ended...
the February blahs seem to be settling in...
but with all that needs to be done for Lent, etc...
I'm just going to have to "get over it"...

I feel not only the pressure of things needing my attention...
but also the constrictions of my current disability...
which has set itself, right in my path...
generally, a sign to wait for "guidance"...

but as you'll see, I'm not yet sure what it means...
in this case, anyway...

I need to get myself back into the weight loss mode again...
including a regular exercise program...
so I need to get back to walking with Molly...
which means seriously training her to NOT pull me...

I feel winter slipping away without being memorialized...
[aka, I am getting a massive case of "click-click" fever...]

the IRS panic is gnawing at me...
I've already paid SO much this year...
and I may owe more...

I lost a lot of "capital", just like everybody...
but I can't replace what I lost...
and the money is running out too fast...
so if I have to pay a lot more to the IRS, I'm toast...

I am also getting a bit of cabin/de-cluttering fever...
I'm really tired of the mess/clutter in the LR/DR & office...
from the bath redo and the rearrangement of furniture that entailed...
and then there's the kitchen, with the sink full of dishes...
[I haven't found a way to keep my hand dry while washing dishes...
not to mention that I can't hold on to much of anything...]

I can fumble my way through the laundry...
collecting trash & cleaning the cat boxes...
Fluff even "allows" me to medicate her eye...

I can go to the store...carry certain things...
but forget yardwork, house work or cooking...
[& since every dish I own is now dirty...
even heating up stuff is really hard...]

in the past, at this point, I'd just eat out...
but I'm somehow, just not in the mood"...
not to mention that I can't use silverware with my left hand...
just eating my FFer's bacon & eggs on Saturday...
was really difficult...

the problem comes from the "wire" still in my finger...

because of it protruding out the side...
my finger is thickly wrapped...
and can't be allowed to get wet...
I'm also limited in how much pressure, and what kind...
I can put on my left hand due to interlocking muscles, etc...

the thickness of the bandage...
makes all rubber/latex gloves too small...
[even "food service" gloves...]
so to try to keep it dry when I shower...
I try to wrap it in plastic bags...
so far, I haven't found the right method...

keeping it dry as the incision heals is important...
but the "open" end of the wire is problematical...
'cause if it gets wet, all sorts of bad things could happen...

so to avoid a septic infection and excessive pain...
[have I mentioned that it always hurts ? sometimes a lot ?]
especially when it's cold, which is often...
my fingerless gloves help to an extent...
in that they keep the hand warm...

but when the finger gets cold, which is often...
it just aches...

I have to be very careful what I do with it until 3/5, at least...

that's my next appointment...
a month after the surgery...
and the doctor had told me that the "wire"...
would be in place "for about a month"...
so I'm expecting that it will be removed around then...

if you think that I'm exaggerating...
or being a whiner...
try this experiment...

take a popsicle stick or something rigid, about 2-3" long...
tape it to the underside of the middle finger on your left hand...
immobilizing the middle joint...
then wrap gauze or an Ace bandage around it...
until it measures 5" around...and 3" long...

remembering that you cannot get it wet...
then, go about your day...
tie your shoes, wash dishes by hand...
any number of things...

you will soon see that it is unwieldy and a big inconvenience...

now...

imagine that you also have only half a thumb on your right hand...
and that your bandaged finger just plain hurts, most of the time...
because instead of an external immobilizing factor...
you have a thick piece of wire, inside, your finger...

EEEEWWWWWWWWWW!

OK...OK... "pity party" over...

time to "suck it up" & move on...

or as in Fr N's terrific sermon today...
move forward...boldly ask God to "make me clean, inside & out"...
so His plans for me can be realized fully...

to not just sit here as I have been doing...
and ask Him to "fix me"...
to go to Him, to take the leap of faith...
and claim the inner & outer cleansing...
then walk away from what falls off of me...
towards the path He's going to show me...

after all, if I hang around that hole...
slipping back in isn't too far a reach...

I need to leave all the debris of doubt & fear...
the guilt, failure, pain & loneliness...
the poisons of self-loathing & self-destructiveness...
the crutches of things, food & feelings...

"gluttony, avarice, pride, sloth, lust, anger, envy..."

there's a reason they're called the 7 Deadly Sins...
they are the killers of the soul...
the things that come between a soul and God...

in short, my destructive "self"...

and in boldly claiming His cleansing of my "self"...

of the removal of all those things that I used to clutch on to...

for all these things to be "cleansed" from me...

all washed away, for good...

and then, I must walk away from the debris...
into the light...
with a calm mind & a solid belief in His path...
as being the only way for me...

that I will be lead...
and that those things I leave behind...
were only holding me, as well as those I deal with, back...

then I will truly be, clean...

a new creation...and useful to God...

more of Jesus... less of me...

sounds like a plan...

or a light at the end of the tunnel...

...a little bathroom "re-cap"

in the beginning...

of summer, that is...



my 80 year old, mostly tile, bathroom...
looked like this...

old, blue rattan, cat-shredded shelf...
blue mini blinds...
the original leaky plumbing...
& the subsequently, rotten, sub floor...
the original cracked tile...
original double-hung window with broken sash cords...
[had to be propped open with a piece of wood...]
and worn-off opaque paint on lower window...
toilet NOT secured to rotted floor...

old & tired... not functional... grungy...
and impossible to keep clean...

I had signed a contract to start the remodel on 9/9/08...

but the deal fell apart...and so I waited....

waited for God to provide the right contractor...
which He did last week...

& with the contract now signed...
demo begins Dec.30, 2008...

only the cat will remain unchanged...

so for those who "want to know"...
here's a refresher/new look, at my plans...

the tub will leave...

to be replaced by a stall shower...
I grew up with only a shower...
so I've never taken tub baths, at all...

all the original tile will go...
but will be replaced in every location where it now is...

this corner of the shower stall will have a tile bench...
the shower is 5 1/2 feet long and about 28 inches wide...



there is plenty of room for a full width bench in this end...



the new shower stall tile will go up as high...
as this tile currently is...


here you have some idea of just how long the shower area will be...



these built-ins will stay...
and the crawl space access behind them...
will be closed off...[bye-bye possums...]



this area, where the old rattan shelf was...
will have a new chrome shelf...



here you see the original tile window sill...
the old mini-blinds...
the peeling opaque paint...
and the rusted window hardware...



because the sash cords were broken...
the window had to be propped open with a scrap 1" x 2"...



this was the only sash window in the entire house...
without a wooden sill & skirt...
it had a tile & cement over chicken wire, ledge...
[removing it was a bloody mess, in more ways than one...]



this is the same window, with ...

new, now functioning, sash cords...
new hardware : lock & lift...
new obscured glass lower window...
new stained glass upper window...
newly fashioned & painted sill & skirt...
[matches all the others in the house...]

so this window is pretty much, finished...

this is a period tile bath...
notice the tile trim pattern...
imagine the pink tile is white...



the cap bullnose trim tile that is a deep burgundy will be black...
and there will be a celadon green 1/2 in half round trim below it...
flanked on top & bottom by 1/2 black trim strips...
the tile will go up about 4 feet on all the walls...
except the shower stall, where it will rise to 6 feet...

there will be a 3 in black tile border on the bottom...
the floor will be white 2 in hex tiles...



here you see a rough mock-up of the top detail...
using the actual tile...
since the tub is going bye-bye in favor of a shower stall...
I've opted for a chrome "custom, hinged glass door"...



it will have side panels, similar to this one...
with the door in the center, opening "into" the west wall...
there won't be a need to build "pony walls" then...
[glass is always cheaper than built-from-scratch walls...]



the shower bench will look similar to this one...



and on the outside look like this...
though my toilet will not be in this aspect to the shower...



this is the chrome shower head/valve assembly I've chosen...



this is the toilet...
it is a "high-rise"[18" with seat] toilet...
as opposed to my current [standard]one...
that's only 16" with the seat...

higher is easier for people with stiff joints...
like me, to use into their senior years...
I'm also having a grab bar installed in the shower...
for the same reason...



I like natural oak seats...so I got one...



I love this sink...
the contractor was surprised after I showed it to him...
and he measured it...
it is not as deep from the wall as what is there now...
and it's 2 inches wider...

since the toilet plumbing will be moved...
2-3 inches closer to the wall...
that not only won't be an issue...
but it should allow the sink to be centered on the new medicine chest...
right now it isn't at all...
but the room is so small, you don't notice it...



I love the style of this faucet set with this sink...
very period correct...



this glass & chrome shelf will go over the sink...
below the new medicine cabinet...



I especially love the way this medicine cabinet, "echoes"...
the style of the window trim that is already here...
it came "primed"...with chrome hardware...


this towel bar is polished nickle...
I love the square mounting base...
the pedestal of the sink and bottom of the toilet are squared...
I looked long & hard to find "squared"...



this shelf will go in the place...
of the old blue rattan one...
that hung on the wall over the toilet...



this is an accessory set in chrome...
I also bought black plastic & chrome...
[ceramic & kitties are NOT a "long-term" situation...]






it's heavy plastic...and looks pretty much like ceramic...
if you don't look too closely...

I decided... that since for years...
20... to be exact...
I could only have blue towels & rug...
that I wanted, "options"...



here I found the large "sheet" bath towels I like...
hand towels & wash cloth...as well as a rug...
in the celadon green that matches my tile trim...

elsewhere I found the same items in these colors...
so I can change things with the season or my mood...





I'm excited to get going on this...

this bath could have been redone 10 years ago...
and I've lived with the knowledge of the rotten floor...
AND the resulting "rocking" toilet...
as well as the leaky shower knobs that squirt very hot water...
[on places you'd just as soon NOT have that occur...]
and general griminess... for a couple of years...

so I'm ready... WHOO-HOO !