...remembrances of things past

I normally don't post pictures that show clear shots of faces, but since I'm not going to name anyone pictured, I don't think anyone will mind.

Remembering music made, laughter shared and a bond ordained in heaven and forged in joy... or to paraphrase Shakespeare...
"... he[or she] who sheds his blood[makes music] with me will be my brother[sister]...
and those who were here, will stand taller when this day is mentioned..."

[I did warn you that I was paraphrasing... OK... rewriting... but the sentiment is the same...]

...remembering Fluff

the "love at first sight" lightening bolt struck me in May of 1993...
when one of my students opened a smallish box she had smuggled on the bus...
and up popped the cutest, most gorgeous, kitten I have ever seen...

big green eyes, pink nose with a white stripe...
with fluffy silver & dark gray tabby fur...
pointed by a snowy white vest and paws...

I was toast... putty in her paws...

on my way home, we stopped at the vet's for a check-up...
as we waited, a fellow "waiter" commented...
"she's gazing at you with such adoration"...

that soon changed...

she was, after all,"the Queen of Everything"...
an attitude NOT designed to endear one, feline or otherwise...
to their "peers", of which in her mind, there were none...
or the "staff", which was me...

but in reality, I had a houseful of kitties...
and those who didn't,"play well with others"...
did not find it a peaceful existence...
as the others sought to "put her in her place"...

after enduring these insults to her person for a year or so...
she discovered that the back yard was a refuge for her...
sleeping in the garage or an outdoor nest...
she came into my bedroom to eat along with a few other, "individuals"...
but spent the bulk of her day, outside, in her kingdom...

then, probably 10 years ago, she had mellowed enough...
and being the clever opportunist that she was...
she began sleeping inside on a regular basis...
and we became "reacquainted" as...
"Her Most Royal Feline Majesty"...and "staff"...

upon entering "her" bedroom, I was greeted with a chirp...
[a meow with a rolled "r" on the end...]
this meant, "I desire food, NOW..." or "open the window"...
she would then pose regally until her desires were met...

in her later years, as we became "friends"...
the chirp developed new meanings...
and came to include,"pet me[adore me] NOW"...

if I was in or on the bed, she would pat my arm with her paw...
if I ignored her or quit "adoring her" too soon...
the next paw tap would include an extended claw...
further ignoring on my part generally was painful...

these last few years, she had only 1 tooth left...
but she used it to good advantage...
and would bite, hard... if the combing was not to her liking...
or some other breach of conduct was perpetrated by the "staff"...

she survived several others namely Mouska, Sumo & Tippy...
but in the Piglet, she met her match...

and would seek, "a separate peace"...

only to suffer more indignities & invasions of her person...
enduring endless lapses in protocol where her territory was invaded & usurped...
the choicest bits of food were taken, her nests invaded...
and herself most horribly imposed on...

these egregious lapses of etiquette would bring forth hisses...
a display of, "the fang" or swatting...
basically to no avail as Piglet was undeterred most of the time...

it should also be noted that during her last moments here with us...
I left the bed, where she was snuggled up to me, to take a shower...
and Piglet moved in to "keep the watch"...
when I returned, she had her head touching Fluff...
looking up at me as I took this phone picture...

then, having said her farewells moved away...
as I petted her, Fluff twitched a few times...
then was gone... Piglet sniffed her and crawled into my arms...

our friend Fluff had gone so quietly & peacefully...

the next day, I laid her to rest in the garden...
in a spot where she loved to sleep away the afternoon...

farewell Fluff... the sweet memories ease the pain of parting...

...waiting for tests

Piglet, posing on my bed a few years ago...
she sleeps cuddled up to me every night...
like a live, drooling, snoring, "stuffed animal"...
she's the only cat I've ever known who sleeps on my shoulder or arm...
though when she can get away with it...
she prefers my stomach...

usually awake with the dawn...

demanding to be, "out"... or to be petted... or fed...

or just to complain about the level of attention/ service...
that the "staff"[me] is providing to Herself...
or that Fluff has annoyed her, yet again.
or perhaps the dog is out in the back, so she can't be...

however, just in the last week, I noticed a change...

she became very "clingy", wanting to be held all the time...
and though she was eating, she was getting thin & dehydrated...
so yesterday, I took her in to the vet...
I figured the mouth lesions were back & she needed a steroid shot...

I even promised her that she'd be home, feeling better, soon...

"I don't see any lesions", the vet said...
"she doesn't have a fever & the dehydration is not good"...
"I'll have to do blood tests, but it's probably kidney or liver failure"...
so with a sick feeling in my stomach, I left her there...

as I write this, there is still about 2 hours before the tests come back...

my bed was so empty last night...
as were my lap & arms...
and it was hard to get to sleep without Herself...
drooling, making beds in my arm & then snoring, loudly...

Fluff enjoyed being,"Queen of the bedroom"...
but I'm having a hard time...

I hate watching my friends, "waste away"...
but at least, I get to prepare myself to say goodbye...
this unexpected kind of thing is so wrenching...
I can only hope for a bit more time with my friend...

but if she's in pain, it will be sooner rather than later...

here's hoping for good test results...
but it's all in God's hands now...

...Merry Christmas, all 12 Days of it, & a Happy New Year to all

this is my favorite stained glass window in the church...
it's high up in the "tower"...

[seen here in context, in the tower, upper left side, eastern exposure...]

all the windows on the 3 sides of the tower honor women...
the other 8 are all similar in style and type of glass used...
but the "Madonna & Child" one is special...

besides being a more traditional style than the others...
it has a lot of deep blue, as well as red...
and the colors are so intense...
that they just don't capture well on film...
but they always take my breath away...

at this time of the year...
with another Christmas season rapidly moving ahead...
and yet another year coming to a close...
I find myself taking "stock"...
with a few surprises coming to my attention...

my financial situation is not at all settled...
I receive about 6-8 calls a day that I "ignore"...
handfuls of "mail" that I just put into an envelope, unread...
as well as e-mails that get filed, unread...

the only way that I can deal with this period of great uncertainty...
is to just give it all to God and not think about it...
reading the collection letters, talking to collectors on the phone...
[thus making my cell phone bill explode...]
solves no problems, makes me feel lousy...
and makes it difficult to just, "let it go"...

I'm doing what I can and leaving the rest to God to work out...

I'm quite aware that this sounds like an "ostrich" mentality...
but consider these points...

I have applied for modification of my first mortgage...
and have the bank's attention...
I have also applied for a modification of my second mortgage...
[which I am completely upside down in...]
and we'll see how that works out...

I am still paying[& using] a credit card for gas...
as well as a department store card with a small balance...
and an online bookstore card with a small credit limit...

AMEX, Discover, HSBC and another card...
alternately loathe and despise me one moment...
by having collection agencies threaten me...
with garnishment of my "wages"...
or seizure of my savings...
[good luck with that, since I have neither...]

or with the conciliatory missives that remind me...
"all the bad things will stop if you bring your account current"...
keeping my accounts "current"...
is the reason I no longer have savings for them to seize...

Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University course taught me a lot...
especially how credit cards deal with collections...
so even though my first choice would have been to have a job...
and pay off all those debts, I refuse to feel guilty anymore...

I spent a couple of years looking for work...
with all doors slammed in my face...
and when I had to miss those first payments...
because there was NO money, I was ashamed...

as I realized that I could become homeless quickly...
fear, shame and guilt ravaged my mind...
I came to the realization that I couldn't pretend anymore...
I was poor and things had to change...

finding a job seemed to not be an option...
so I was going to have to "pare down"...
"make do with less"...
and all those other clichés...

I have also come to realize that doing with less...
can be a good thing for someone who tends to be as self-involved as I am...
whereas someone younger might think...
"this is only temporary"...
I have had to change my lifestyle drastically...

having money gave me control...
not having money has shown me...
that God needed to have that control...

if I need it, He will provide it...
whether it's financial, physical or emotional...

an interesting incident in point...

things are always "tight" at the end of the month...
since I had some large expenses at the beginning of December...
this month was especially tight...
but... there was that first SSA benefit check...
due to appear in my checking account on Dec. 22...

and it did... so I went to the store with a list...
and was doing well until I realized that I needed Excedrin...
and finding it for almost the same as Wallyworld's low price...
I picked-up a couple of 200 ct bottles...
as well as a bottle of glucosamine, that was on sale...

so at the check-out, things cost more that I had figured...
and suddenly, there was a potential problem...
but only when my cell bill was paid and only about $5...
so I should have time to dig through my change jar & cover it...

the next day, on Christmas Eve morning...
I went to help decorate the church, I'm not in the Altar Guild...
but they were a few people short, so I went to help out...
before I left, Square Peg gave me a check I wasn't expecting...
an anonymous donor had left me a Christmas gratuity...

so I went across the street to WFB and deposited it...
discovering that the cell bill had come in early...
and though they were listed as,"pending"...
they had moved the less than $10 from my savings...
and showed me as "overdrawn"...[pending several transactions]

I had an e-mail notifying me of the deficit...
asking me to take care of it and that "fees" would be charged...

since the small check I had deposited brought my account, positive...
by about $15 and they usually charge at least $20 for overdrafts...
I was resigned to a bad situation becoming worse...
just told God to take care of it and forgot about it...

that is, until today,[6 days later], when I looked at my account online...

it showed no charges or withdrawals "pending"...
it showed nothing as having been "returned"...
it showed no overdraft charge...

there was a balance of $5.97 in checking...
and the $9.92 was back in savings...

oh... and there was a pending deposit of $493.62...
it usually comes in after the first, this month, it's early...

I have generally had good relations with WFB...
but this is a first...

so for those who may think that my reliance on God's provision...
is "pretending", wishful thinking, loss of reality...
or just plain silly...
think what you will...

as for me, I will say, with no hint of pretense...

"all is well..."

and go on my way, calm & assured in the goodness of God...

...the journey is officially, "under way"

the day after I met with my HUD counselor...
and she informed me that she had just faxed...
my 1st mortgage modification application...
for the third time...
I got a form letter from WFB...

they thanked me for my "interest" in modifying my loan...
blah, blah, blah...
and then asked me to contact them with ALL the materials...
that have been submitted 3 times now, since 9/17/10...
[blah, blah, blah...]

I suspected that this was really bankspeak for...
"we are going to drag this out by confusing you"...
and, "we're hoping that you get frustrated...
so that we can continue to bleed you dry...
while we muddy the waters with requests for unneeded documents"...

well, the months of dreading the possibility of this process...
the pain of realizing that I had come to this place...
the really humiliating moments of telling a lawyer my situation...
and then contacting and finally meeting with the HUD counselor...

have toughened my resolve to trust in God...
and see this really unpleasant time, through...

on Dec.9, when I met with the HUD counselor...
and she told me that she had just submitted all my paperwork...
for the third time without any acknowledgement...
that they'd received it except the fax cover sheet on the last try...

the form letter I got yesterday was dated Dec.9...
so I guess the 3rd time was the charm...

I called my counselor to let her know what I had received...
and that I assumed that since I was dealing with the bank...
through them[the VHB HUD company]...
that I didn't need to respond to WFB in any way...

she affirmed my thoughts and said...
that I was correct in thinking that any phone calls...
or materials sent to them would only "muddy the waters"...
and allow them to stall longer...

so at least I know that WFB has my application...

and my counselor is sending a package to the holder of my 2nd...
who are threatening "foreclosure"...

but she has assured me that since the 2nd holders' claim...
is less than half of the first AND I'm upside down to both...
AND my only income are pension/SS payments that they can't garnish...
with no savings or assets they can seize...
there isn't much that they can do...

this also goes for the credit card companies...
who have now resorted to nasty letters from lawyers...
aka.collection agencies...
as well as the daily phone calls that leave voice messages...
which I delete without listening to...

but nothing can begin for me as a solution to them...
until my first is modified...
so I'm pleased that the process which should have begun in September...
has finally begun in December...

I'm told that it can take 4-6 months to modify a mortgage...

and, of course, all my paperwork that was current in September...
is a bit out of date in December...
but I did just resubmit income verification[pension pay stub]...
and bank records for Nov./Dec. for the 2nd package...
as well as the SSA "benefits payment" verification letter...
so at least that's available from the counselor...

we're to meet after the first of the year...
and see where we are then...

hopefully, there will be a happy ending...
sometime in the future...

but I must share that as daunting as this experience has been so far...
I have been able to find a sense of peace & calm in trusting God...
and though I know that there will be more scary moments ahead...
He will be with me, guiding my steps and holding my hand...

that His will for me, will prevail...
and that's enough for me...

God is Good, Indeed...

...more little things along the way

the blast of heat, hopefully the last of the summer...
has abated, leaving us with much more seasonal temps for early October...
everything is now quite dry and wilted...
but I still hope for a colorful fall...

I'm still in "wait" mode on the mortgage modification...
and all else financial must wait on that move...

while waiting, I have had a few "events"...

some of which I don't see the reasons for...
others, I can see the good within, even as it happens...

for example...

I thought that I had cancelled all auto credit card payments...
then one went through, nearly wiping out my checking account balance...
I did notice it right away and was able to hold off spending money...
until I earned some driving MzYBee to Ahnoldtown...
which I was able to deposit before anything bad happened...

then there was the school district health insurance premium payment...
which can be as late as the 5th of the month...
[they pay to me, their share, until I'm 65...
as the entire premium is taken out of my pension payment...]

it appeared in my checking account on Sept. 30, several days early !

and my pension payment not only arrived on Oct. 1...
it was a bit more than normal...
not too unusual, just a dividend...
so I was feeling pretty good...

until I opened my homeowners insurance statement...
asking for an October payment of over $200...

over a month ago, I had re-instated auto pay...
to avoid this balloon payment, a monthly $10 fee...
and to spread out my payments over the entire year...
lowering them significantly to about $58 p/mo...

so I called my agent, who called me back right away...

the auto-pay had just gone through, Sept.30...
so my next payment of $64 would be due in December [!]

no payment this month or next...
then the auto-pay would kick-in from December on...
at a few $ more than I had anticipated...
but I can live with it...

especially since I don't have to pay for the next 2 months...

which will come in quite handy...
seeing that I just paid the final home phone bill...
and the final ADT bill...
and today, I have "paid bills", transferred $100 to savings...
will get my hair cut & buy cat food, litter, groceries...
and choir supplies [water, cough drops & food for rehearsal]

I did get quite a nice donation from various choir members...
which will go a long ways towards paying for much of it...

and then I have $175 to last the month...
[I hope nobody gets sick...]

but I'm hopeful, 'cause so far, things are working out...

God is good, He supplies all our needs...

...onwards & upwards

as I wait for approval of my mortgage modification...
I am in an "interesting" interval in the meantime...
a "holding pattern"of sorts...

definitely, a place I've never been before...

when I was younger, I used to take stairs 2 at a time...
never being concerned with the railing...
whether ascending or descending...

but now that I'm no longer as strong or agile...
stairs are a concern... railings, important...
and the ones before me have no railings, a steep pitch, no end in sight...



and look, just plain "scary"...

until the mortgage gets modified, [if, they accept my application...]
I have to pay the first mortgage, taxes & insurance...
which leaves about $600 to pay my utilities & gas[$250]...
food & supplies for me & the critters[$300]...
and about $50 for anything else...

so far this month, anything else has included...
vet visits, chiropractor visits, hair cut, etc...

I have never been in such a situation where there was NO fall-back position...
in the past, when money was short, there were always credit cards...
or my folks, or extra music income or some other answer...
so for me, these are un-chartered waters...

I guess God wasn't kidding when He said that He would be my only supply...

I received my car registration renewal in the mail today...
I've always just written a check & paid it right away...
or more recently, just gone online & paid it...
but I can't do that this time...

it's only $149, but I don't have any un-budgeted money...
at least until October arrives, and then things are still very tight...
but then I remembered that I'm going to earn $100 on Monday...
so now I only need to find the other $49...

and hope that the mortgage modification goes through...
and quickly too... the HUD counselor told me that 2 months is "quick"...
4 months is average and it could take as long as 6 months...
they could turn me down, but she doesn't think they will...

so in the meantime, I wait...

I can't file Chp. 13 until the mortgage is modified...
so until then, I'm receiving "hate mail" from the holder of the 2nd...
as well as the 4 credit card companies...

I say "hate mail", because the one advantage of no longer having a home phone...
is that they can't call me & try all their sleazy guilt trip tricks...
I have had enough of that to deal with already & don't need more...

when the 1st is modified, hopefully down to around $650...
[including taxes & insurance]...
and the bankruptcy court & the lawyer negotiate a monthly fee...
to be paid to the creditors each month for 3 years that I can live with...
then things will be better...

especially if I can receive Social Security benefits after October 22...
or if I can find even a small job...

of course, I'll be paying the lawyer for a while...

and I have some big bumps in the road coming up...
car registration renewal, 1st installment of property taxes...
car insurance renewal, dental insurance premium...
2nd installment of property taxes, car insurance renewal...

so this will be an interesting journey...



I really can't wait to see what He does next...

...welcome Fall !

I love Fall so today, the autumnal equinox...
I welcome its closure, its colors, its light and its darkness...
for without darkness, we never appreciate the coming of the light...

...on the cusp of the autumnal equinox

if I wasn't already aware of the impending seasonal change...
this would be a real wake-up call...
[& yes, it's from my tree...the huge one dwarfing the house...]

but since fall is my favorite season...
and I look forward to the cooler, wetter weather...
I'm always aware of Fall...

even so, this year seems special...

because even before the official demise of summer...
while warmish temps and sunny skies linger...
all around are the signs of things to come...
signs not always seen this early in this climate...



you see it in the tops of trees...
where the cool, damp evening air leaves its first marks...



and in distant bits of color...
that jump out at the eye in contrast to the summer green...
or primary color blossoms...



if you look closely, you can spot the green still lingering near the veins...
as the sycamore trees begin to turn brown & yellow...

since we had a wetter winter & cooler summer this year...
there is more, "turning"...
and less of the usual heat-driven dessication...
that provides no color, just drying up & falling off the trees...



no where is this lingering, "turning" effect more apparent...
than on the creeper...

on the ranch, it was in the trees...
and since it got watered consistently...
always put on a show of brilliant red...
this may be the first year I'll see that here...

since it's on the south[hot] side here...
and usually burns up in the late summer heat...
which we haven't had this year...

so here's hoping...

...FINALLY, RELIEF... !!!

I was in a hurry to get to breakfast with the FFers on Saturday...
so stumbling across this sitting in front of my front door was unexpected...
[their shipping info had indicated at least another week of discomfort...
until the replacement air chamber was due to arrive...]



if you are not familiar with the product...
this is a cross section of a Sleep Comfort bed...
[mine is a single chamber queen, the one pictured is a dual chambered one...]



I had just about worn out my wireless remote...
dealing with the escalating "leak " problem...
not to mention the 9 volt batteries I've gone through...
pumping up the old bed every 30 minutes or so...
[FYI: my sleep number is 35-45, depending on how sore my joints are...]



I unzipped the pillow-top mattress pad, removed the "egg crate" foam...
and proceeded disconnect the old air chamber...
then laid out the new one[they are HEAVY!!]
connected it & activated the pump...
[this is a dual chambered bed, my single chambered queen is twice this size...]

after about 10 minutes of running the pump...
I stopped it, and lay down on the bed...
as you always have to be "on it" to set your "number" properly...
after a few more minutes, the pump turned itself off...
and I waited with "baited breath" to see if it would retain the pressure...

it did !!!

and after a couple of nights of sleeping all night without a deflation...
the pinched nerves in my back have gone away !!!

now if I could get rid of the virus that's infected me...



oh... and the worst thing about this change over...
was removing all the air from the old air chamber...
so I could fit it into the prepaid box to ship it back to Select Comfort...

...more things along the way

well I went home & tried all the things...
the Select Comfort rep. told me to do...
and within 40 minutes, I had my answer...
the "air chamber" is leaking...

of course, the guarantee is "pro-rated"...
and they will ship me a new one for only $113.67...
which will be guaranteed for 30 days...
then revert to the 64% of my current guarantee...

so I ordered it & am eagerly awaiting the arrival of the new one...
[I have to return the old one to them, but they pay the shipping...]
so now I have to put up with the discomfort of the deflation...
for only a couple of more weeks, then blessed relief !

I got my new homeowners insurance policy bill...
September was great... $ 19.26... !
but October was $212.84...
with the following 7 months about $67.00 each...

so I called my agent & she called the "home office"...

when she got back to me, it seems that the October balance due...
was because I took the bill off of "auto-pay"...
and returning it to "auto-pay" would not only spread $58 p/m payments...
out over the entire year, but would also cut out the $10 p/m installment charge...

so I dropped by a new cancelled check and got signed-up again for the auto pay...
I can deal with $58 p/m... before it was $105 p/m...

I still haven't heard back about whether or not the HUD company...
can handle my mortgage re-structure...
the lawyer's office hasn't called either...
[though it should be noted that they cashed my check yesterday...]

*UPDATE*

while I was dialing the bank's mortgage mod. help number...
the lady from the HUD company called me back...
and they DO work with people like me...!!!
so I spent another couple of hours, copying the required paperwork...
and getting it all organized so that tomorrow...
I can get a money order for $14.25 first thing...
walk over there, turn in the application and set up an appointment...

this is such a relief, 'cause the prospect of wading through all this stuff alone...
had me scared to death of screwing something up & losing my home...

boy, talk about "last minute rescues"...

and then there's the lawsuit that TEC has been threatening against our church...
the notice came today...

I have a bunch of personal music in the choir room...
as well as personal sound equipment, etc...
with no good place to store it if they lock us out...
not to mention loosing my internet connection...

I sure am glad that God has all this under His control...
'cause a cat could get really stressed otherwise...

...happy 3rd blogoversary to me

in this case...

3 years to the day...

thanks to all who've passed by...

...reflections on times of adversity

this poster was created by the British government in 1939...
as part of a 3 poster set...
when it became obvious that war was eminent...
and there was a very real fear that the Nazis might invade Britain...

the first 2 posters were widely circulated...
but for some unknown reason, this one was not...

it was rediscovered in 2000 after the copyright had expired...
and is now "public domain"...
finding it's way onto tee shirts, mugs and posters...

ironically, this is the message I've been getting from God...

not just now, during this financial disintegration...
but during other crisis times I've dealt with before as well...

as painful as watching Mom's last few months was...
there was a peace... a calmness deep within...
a sureness that, "all would go according to God's plan..."
and that He would give me the strength to deal with it...

it was the same during that 2 months between the "cancer diagnosis"...
and the post-surgery biopsy results...
when they knew they had gotten it all...
and it hadn't metastasized...

during those days, there was no one else to really comfort me...
though my best friend was happily,"in town", during my surgical recovery...
and was available to assist me with all the things I needed help to do...
especially that first week when my right hand was wrapped up tight...
[they tend to do that with amputations...]
and I couldn't get any part of either surgical site, "wet"...
[they had also removed a lymph node from under my right armpit...]

but though there were and are now some sympathetic ears...
it's been made pretty clear to me that this is one of those times...
when God is my only source of comfort, hope & supply...
and He's gone to great lengths to insure this state of affairs...

I've been struggling with the notion of just, "letting go..."
[ie: the discharging of this debt I've accumulated, rather than paying it all off...]
and I'm beginning to realize that it is pride...
pride in my own abilities to "take care of business..."
that has made me so set on getting a job so I could pay off these debts...

at first, it seemed unlikely that God would work this way...
but as more, little things happen so quietly...
so simply... organically... and "things" started falling into place...
I began to be more aware that it was my pride, not His plan...

then several things the lawyer said have been coming back to me...
and the bottom line is, I have no other options...

I have NO job, nor does it seem that I will find anything soon...
so I have NO money to pay these creditors...

I have have spent ALL my savings paying as much as I could...
for as long as I could, but the well is now dry...

the value of my personal property, including my 8 year old, paid-for, car...
numerous musical instruments that have a very limited potential resale market...
as well as the lack of anything else that anyone would pay much for...
makes the "repo"or "big sale" options not very viable...

so I've come to believe that this Chapter 13 action...
is God "sending me a rowboat*..."

I am, at this point, "current" on all my bills...
but that won't last for long...

and I have a 6 month car insurance premium coming...
as well as the license renewal for the car...
not to mention property taxes...

I will continue to pay my 1st mortgage as we seek to re-structure it...

I was told by the lawyer to stop paying the credit cards and the HELOC...
the $600 or so that leaves from my pension will cover my homeowners insurance...
which we've lowered to about $85 p/m & may lower more...
my agent has gotten the assessed value lowered $100K...
and is checking other companies rates...
[dealing with a "broker", the same one for over 20 years really helps...]

I have reduced my home phone service [landline]...
but since it doesn't really work properly for incoming calls...
I'm considering just disconnecting it...

besides, the calls from the creditors I'm going to not be paying...
will start soon, so that's also an incentive...
but it's hard because I've had that number since 1978...
and letting it "go" seems like "giving up"...

but I'm beginning to think that that kind of attitude...
is just "pride" raising it's ugly head...
"...I should be able to take care of myself..."

after all, none of the things I've spent all this money on...
is worth anything if they keep me from God's will for me...

I believe that it is His will for me to keep my house...
walking away from it would accomplish nothing, as it is $100K "upside down"...

after all, if I moved and rented...
my living expenses, including rent & utilities...
would be about what they are now with the 1st mortgage & utilities...
and it wouldn't be at all secure...

so I'm getting into the rowboat* He sent...

a couple of years ago, I prayed with a spiritual healer...
she told me that she saw a lot of doors when she prayed with me...
and they were all closed...

it's sure been true since then...

but now I'm beginning to see hints that there may be a glimmer of light...
a hope that there may be a way out of here for me...

and that perhaps this long dark corridor with firmly closed doors...
will finally reveal an unlocked door to me...

or maybe I've finally learned what God's been trying to teach me...

whatever the situation, I'm being "calm & carrying on"...

God is good... even when I'm not following instructions...

* refers to the story about the devout man who was trapped in a flood...
and refused to get into first, a rescue rowboat, then a helicopter...
claiming that God would save him...
finally, he drowned and was quite upset when greeted by St. Peter...
"Why didn't God save me?" he complained...
"He sent you a rowboat & a helicopter... what more did you expect ?"said St. Peter...

...post 1000 !

I'd been planning to save post 1000 for my impending blogoversary...
coming up this Saturday... 3 years since I began this blog...
but as they say, my plans have changed a bit...

because a LOT has happened...

today I met with a very nice lawyer,[no, not an oxymoron...]
and discussed my situation...

the bottom line is that Chapter 13 bankruptcy...
along with a mortgage restructure...
can save my house...

and after 3 years of a structured, lower payment to the court...
I will be free of all the current credit card and home equity debt...

I won't have to sell all I own, including my car...
the kitties, Molly & numerous musical instruments...
and move into a shed at the rear of some country property...

he sent me to a HUD approved, non-profit mortgage/foreclosure counselor...
[everyone I mention them to has heard good things about them...]

their office is in downtown Mudville...
less than 2 blocks east of the church...
so I strolled over, in the 95˚ afternoon sunshine...
and picked up the application packet...

as soon as I can get it all assembled, I'll make an appointment...

the HUD counselors charge only for the credit report, $14.25...
and work as your advocate with the primary lender...
to lower the payment by reducing interest rates & extending loan term...
and because my 1st mortgage principal balance...
is only about $20-30 K above the estimated current value of my house...
it's in their best interest to help me out as much as possible...

they already have enough empty homes in Mudville that no one wants...
better for them to help me keep making payments... better for me too...

when we get an answer on the amount of my new mortgage payment...
since the Federal guidelines advocate using only about one third of income...
for housing, my payment might get as low as around $600...
that is, if we can re-structure the 1st...
if we can't, I'll just have to make due with less for everything else...

but my pension still is enough to cover my 1st...
and since 1st is "current"...
and has never been in default...
that's a plus for me too...

then we file for Chapter 13 and begin the 3 year structured, reduced payoff...

the lawyer told me that even if I find some sort of job...
I should continue to discharge these credit card & HELOC debts...
since they total 5 times the amount of my yearly pension...
and I've probably more than paid them back already...

filing for Chapter 13, however, is NOT cheap...$3500 + court filing fees[$274]...
I gave him a check today for $300, out of which the filing fee will be paid...

as soon as I know what's up with the 1st mortgage situation...
I'll get back to him and start working through the 3 years of Purgatory...

there's a lot of work yet to do...

copies of notes, forms, tax statements, to locate & assemble, etc...

but it is quite a relief to know that I can get rid of this debt...
and still keep my house...

the kitties & Molly will be so glad...

I would have rather gotten a job & paid off all my obligations...
but that hasn't worked-out... so I suppose that this is next best...

God is good... all the time...

..."My Utmost for His Highest"[Oswald Chambers]

I have recently begun using the daily devotional, "My Utmost for His Highest"...
along with the "God Calling" Journal which I have read daily for many years...

God has used the "G.C J" to greatly bless me and reveal His way to me...
and the addition of the Chambers devotional has been very enlightening...



God has been dealing with me and my relationships...
as well as my shortcomings in the area of stewardship...
and my inability to make Him ,"Lord" in all areas of my life...
for several years now...

as I have struggled to deal with my deficiencies in these areas...
I have become convinced that my inability to loose weight...
handle money, find a job & have positive relationships...
were all somehow connected...

and that if I could understand how...
then things would get better in all those areas...

through both of these devotionals...
I've gradually begun to understand several important truths...

* I can not plan anything without God...
* I must not have any supply but God...
* reliance on myself, anyone else or anything else does not work...
* God is not planning a peaceful, spiritual retirement for me...
* I must deal honestly with the results of my actions...
* there is a price to be paid...

I'd like to share today's thoughts from the Chambers book...



"In the year King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord..."[Isaiah 6:1]

"Our soul's personal history with God is often an account of the death of our heroes...
Over & over again, God has to remove our friends to put Himself in their place...
and that is when we falter, fail & become discouraged...

When the person, who represented for me all that God was, "left"...
did I give up on life?... become ill or disheartened?...
or did I do as Isaiah did & "see God" ?...

My vision of God is dependent on the condition of my character...
My character determines whether or not truth can be revealed to me...
Before I can say,"I saw the Lord"...
there must be something in my character that conforms to the likeness of God...



Until I am born again & really begin to see the kingdom of God...
I only see from the perspective of my own biases...
What I need is God's surgical procedure- His use of external circumstances...
to bring about internal purification...



Your priorities must be God first, God second & God third...
until your life is continually face to face with God...
and no one else is taken into account, whatsoever...

Your prayer will then be...
"In all the world there is no one but You, dear God;
there is no one but You...

Keep paying the price...

Let God see that you are willing to live up to the vision..."

[July,13,"the Price of the Vision", "My Utmost for His Highest",Oswald Chambers]

God grant me the grace to see Him as my only supply...

...happy birthday, Mom...

Mom would have been 98 today...

she's in a far better place now...
than she was for the last few years of her life...
but when she died, January 17, 2007...
I lost something that I only have begun to realize as the years pass...

I'm glad your suffering is past...
but I do miss you... every day...

"requiescat in pacem..."

"...for lo, the winter is past...

...the rain is over and gone...
the flowers appear on the earth...
the time of the singing of birds is come..."
[Song of Solomon 2:11-12]