...waiting for...

I'm feeling somewhat restless today...
as though I should be doing a certain thing...
but I don't know what...
unsettled... with nagging concerns in the back of my mind...



the buds on my weeping cherry tree are still closed...



though if you look closely, a tantalizing bit of pink can be seen...



and the first of the buds & new growth...
can be found in the top of the Meyer lemon tree...
[though it still has lots of fruit still ripening on the tree...]

so I don't think that it's spring I'm waiting for...
the time of planting and being outside more, will come...
whether I urge it on or not...

perhaps it's the Lenten doldrums...
or that I'm at a point in my life where there are too many "good-byes"...
and the sense of time passing too quickly...
as well as the fear of impending losses...
is un-nerving, to say the least...

the knowledge that my time of working towards things...
of thinking, "when I have accomplished this or that...then, I'll..."
or just the everyday business of going to work & living life...
is rapidly passing, if not finished in some areas...

even as spring is about to burst upon us again...
with her promises of the cycle of new growth and life...
I am surrounded by signs of the end of cycles...

Fluff, my eldest kitty, who survived an ulcerated eye last spring...
is now in the "skin & bones" stage...

she seems happy & behaves normally,ie: hisses & smacks Piglet on occasion...
insists on attention and massive amounts of petting...
& eats well, but her 20 year old kidneys & liver are not "helping" her...
and though I've found the "Senior" & "Special Diet" formulas...
of her favorite meals, which have solved the diarrhea problems...
she has steadily lost weight until she's just a fluffy skeleton...

it hurts my heart to feel the sharpness of her bones as I pet her...
but there is nothing I can do until she begins to be in distress...

then there's Thomas...

he still chases Sneaky Pie, but he has also become too skinny...
he pesters me constantly for food, reminding me of Mattie's latter days...
so that's another thing I'll need to deal with in the too near future...

I'm needing to deal with my physical health too...

I'm not over-eating, but due to physical pain & lack of strength...
I've lost muscle tone all over and as a result have gained some weight back...
all my smaller clothes still fit, but it's a vicious cycle...
and the warning signs are there, in BIG red letters...

...find a way to get my strength back... or I'm in BIG trouble...

what has worked well for me in the past was joining a gym...
weight training machines and stationary bikes
NOT an option anymore...
but where do I start on my own ?

just walking is not enough, for if I walk when I'm too weak in my legs...
and the extra weight along with the loss of muscle tone, makes me weak...
I screw-up my back because I have to walk "tight" to stay moving...
so I have to find a way of getting my strength back...

building my strength back will tone my legs & core again...
tightening-up the flab, easing the strain on my back & legs...
allowing me to walk more, with all the cardio benefits...
so I have to find an alternative to weight-training machines..

Friday, when I was "loose", I took a walk at an easy pace...
so as not to over-tighten & stress my back...
Saturday, I did isometric leg lifts from a seated position...
which addresses the weak thigh muscles very well...

I have tried to do them lying down...
but my back gets cranky and my umbilical hernia complains...
so doing something while seated was a real brainstorm...

I did both legs, but spent a bit of extra time on my left...
which has had strength problems in the inner thigh muscle for a while now...
that has made climbing stairs a real problem for me...

what has frightened me in recent weeks...
is the weakness that I've been starting to feel...
in my right thigh as well...

I also spent an hour on my feet, moving around, after the leg lifts...
so I didn't tighten up too much...

on Sunday morning at the church, I faced the short flight of stairs...
5 or 6 steps that I now usually have to go up, one step at a time...
but I decided to try climbing them like I used to, normally...
so I grabbed the railing on each side and to my surprise...
was able to climb them,"normally", though slowly...
for the first time in quite a while...

my left thigh was still weak, but did not give out...

when I got home, I was feeling quite sore & a bit stiff...
so I rested...

today, I feel stronger in my legs & have done some lifts...
as well as seated, isometric muscle tightening...
along with some stretching, bending & walking...

when I get home, I'll walk again...
stretching as I go, careful not to over-extend myself...
making sure that I don't tighten up my lower back...

I'm drinking as much water as I can...
and working on eating good things in moderation...
I had a bagel & some tea this morning...
it may not seem like much to you...
but I rarely eat breakfast, so it was an attempt...

I generally skip lunch if I have breakfast...
and today was no exception...
sometimes I eat nothing until late afternoon...
then it's generally an early dinner...

I realize that the total calories I consume are not too much...
& I really work at a balanced diet of healthy food...
but I need to eat at better times & there must be more activity...
so as long as I can achieve my activity & strengthening goals...
my diet will need only a bit of regulating & thought...
to serve my best health & fitness goals...

I know that God can't use me if I'm too weak to do whatever He asks...
so if I don't regain a viable health & fitness level...
all that I have learned about myself and all the problems I've dealt with...
will count for naught... it will be too late...I'll be past serving...

I don't want to miss out on these last chances to be who I'm supposed to be...



so in my weakness, I have His strength to help me regain mine...
and let my true self take flight, now...
before it is too late...and the darkness closes in again...

here's to a renewal of my health & fitness...
as well as all of the other parts of my life...

"...the time for the singing of birds has come"...

...stepping back from the edge

to say that I have not been here...
would be to lessen the deliverance of God...



I was, until yesterday when a source of funding opened-up for me...
literally a couple of hundred $'s & a few days from defaulting on my debts...
with bigger problems affecting my home, looming on the horizon...

I had several, "maybe" jobs... none of which seem to be forthcoming...
and my latest round of job applications have garnered NO responses...
[although, I suppose that no reply at all could be considered a response...]

then last Monday, a possibility of access to funds...
that had NOT been available to me at all...
gave me hope, though I was poised on the edge of bankruptcy...
and yesterday, that hope proved to be God's will for me...



I still need a job, but these funds will keep, "the specter of homelessness"...
at bay for more than a year, if I'm careful & a good steward...
if I can find even a part-time job within that time...
then I can work to retire my debt & create a safer financial place...



just like even in the midst of the cold, stormy & wet winter we're having here...
[which I am loving, BTW... storms, cold, rain, snow in the mountains...]
the "early red leaf plum is blooming... in late January...
with only fleeting hours of sunshine, between storms, to urge it on...
while all other buds are still closed tight against the cold, pelting rains...

I feel the release of answered prayer & God's loving provisions...
I also feel the stinging goad of bc, as he seeks to spoil my peace...
but I have learned now to recognize his mean-spirited attempts...
to destroy the peace & keeping God provides...

I try to maintain an attitude of gratefully waiting...
for the next blessing, not the next problem...
all the while, peacefully bobbing & weaving...
trying not to let the nasty "surprises" bc is tossing in my path...
spoil my joy at God's faithfulness...

I see this more & more in my life, as well as with others I know...
who also are living a life where they "trust" and have seen God provide...
& since reading some comments of C.S.Lewis on this phenomenon...
I have come to understand the insidious nature of the enemy better...

he not only wants to, "kill us, just to see us die"...
he wants to ruin our joy, destroy our faith & peace...
and just lead us into being miserable...
when we should be rejoicing in God's goodness...

the phenomenon being that whenever God blesses a believer...
with answered prayer, abundance, things "going very well"...
or the manifestation of a heart's desire as reality...
that's when bc attacks at our weakest line of defense...

our most insecure places, the hurt not quite healed...
a fear that still lurks, just below our level of consciousness...
often some of our oldest, life-long problems...
being left, being alone because there is no one to "care"...
not being appreciated or well-treated by those we love...

at this point, a simple,"go away, Satan", generally doesn't cut it...

like a persistent cat who MUST GO OUT, NOW !
bc uses every trick & prompt in his arsenal...
to get your mind focused off of God's goodness, & onto yourself...
but if you can, and this is not ever easy...
you must find things to praise & thank God for...

leaving self-pity, self-absorption & self, in general...
at the foot of the cross, on the altar, as an praise offering...

even if you are very upset, angry or hurt...
you MUST turn to praise...
it may take a while, but it is the only way to send bc away...

so as I find myself thanking God for His provision for me...
and am able, with His help to "step back" from the edge...
I have been bombarded by bc... in the most hurtful ways possible...
trying SO hard to ruin my joy & peace at God's deliverance...

and I'm attempting to follow my own advice...
turning to thankfulness & praise...
in the face of bc's nasty onslaught...
and I am feeling better...

but I'm pretty sure that bc's NOT given up yet...
however, God is God... all the time...
and He is good... all the time...

...NOT what I wanted to hear

those of you who are regular readers...
have been subjected to the twists & turns of my job search...
life path upheaval and financial difficulties
for quite some time now...

yesterday, Super Sop assured me that...
"not having heard yet from VOPU, was their usual style..."
"we've lost several good, prospective hires...
because the university took too much time in deciding on them...
and they, 'moved on' in the meantime..."

she, as well as several others, encouraged me to call...
so this morning, I did...

unfortunately, the results were not what I had hoped for...

I spoke with the person who interviewed me...
she said, "The committee has made it's decision...
you should receive a letter this week...
we appreciate your interest in our position..."
all said in a tone of voice that was detached...

NOT a positive signal at all...

and the response I get from God ?

"that He is my supply..."

"that I must move "fearlessly ahead...
believing that the Red Sea will part before me...
and that I will pass through safely..."

perhaps the chosen person will have moved on...
maybe the job will fall to me by default...

or, there's something else that I don't know about yet...

I trust God... He is the Lord of miracles...
and last minute reprieves...

I've seen Him accomplish miracles before...

blessings beyond what I could have dared to hope for...
or my heart's deepest desire...

sometimes, even when all hope appeared gone...

and this time ?

I know that He can... I hope that He will...

but if He doesn't... I have NO clue what to do next...

no idea where to look... all the doors appear closed...
if something miraculous doesn't happen...
I won't make it past Christmas...

so I wait... and trust... and hope...



and to all of you who have been so faithful in praying for me...
I'm really sorry about the way things have gone...
and seem to be going...
it's been a strange, gut-wrenching journey for me...
and it appears to be continuing on a downward trajectory...

everyone has enough turmoil in their own life...
you certainly didn't need to share in mine...

I appreciate more than I can express all the prayers...
and the words of encouragement and good wishes...
you've shared my frustrations & failures...
I'd hoped to share a positive outcome this time...

I haven't had this door shut in my face yet...
so I still hope...
God tells me that I must...
hope, trust and believe...
that He will provide for me...

so I cling to that hope, as a dying leaf holds to the branch...



because, God is good...ALL the time...

...are the dominoes finally lining up ?

today was another FFers get-together...
and as we were chatting, I asked K...
"So who finally got the band job [that I had interviewed for]
at your hubby's high school ?"
she responded that it was no one she knew...
[there were 4 "guys" from out of the district who interviewed when I did...]

"but... they really wanted you if you could have done full-time"...

[color me shocked AND speechless... yes, really...]

the high school band job [NOT a full day] had been combined with...
elementary classroom music at a nearby elementary school...
[I've never done classroom music...
so it's too late to start now because it's an entirely different skillset...]
so I had lobbied for myself as a part-time band teacher at the h.s. only...
[band, jazz band & guitar are 3 different "preps"...
and band is almost a triple prep by itself...]
having been led to believe by the H.R. person that "things could be flexible"...

and besides that, I just knew...
that "full time" high school band AND elementary school...
would be just too much at this time in my life...
and might send me back into really unhealthy coping patterns...

besides the fact that a full-time salary would be enough to stop my pension payments...
leaving me with no fall-back position...
if I had to "re-retire" before the 12 month year was up...
due to layoffs or poor health...
[if you "un-retire", you can not re-retire until at least 12 months pass...
and you can "un-retire" only once...]

I had just assumed that I had lost out to the younger "guys"...
because they were younger & "guys"...
[been THERE before...]
so it was a nice pick-me-up to learn that I was their first choice...
especially since it was due to my experience & abilities...

it would have been interesting to see what I might have done...
if they had contacted me to "negotiate"...
perhaps I would have agreed to more job than I could handle...
and God protected me from that...
by making them look for "full-time" only...

anyway, what K said next, really stood up the hairs on the back of my neck...

"...my school [the h.s. I collaborated with when I taught m.s.] may be hiring...
someone to assist the current band director,
[who followed me at my old school & with whom I get along very well...]
teaching a period of band & a period of orchestra next semester...
because [of the 6-8 IB program on their campus & the h.s. scheduling being different]
not all students can take music in the current schedule...
and we're up to be accredited, so they have to address this situation..."

when I expressed interest in this...
K said that she would talk to her principal on Monday...
and would really,"talk me up, since her hubby had wanted me at his school"...

when I asked God for work, I was willing to do whatever...
if it was something that I could "do" without killing myself...

the idea of working in a bookstore or library seemed cool...
but I was happiest when I taught band & orchestra...
and I was good at it...

I also like the eastside of Mudville...
eastsiders are "good people" & I always felt at home there...

how like God to lead us around in circles...
past places you could be...
places you'd, settle for...
to that perfect place for you...
if we can only remain calm & trust Him to lead...

so at this point, there are several dominoes on the horizon...

only time will tell if these are the ones...
that will topple over, into others, starting a chain reaction...
but I'm NOT going to worry, because I've seen God work miracles for the last 2 years...
and I have a real peace that if I let Him lead me...
I will see even more... far bigger & more impressive...

I, on my own, have failed and botched most things I tried to do for myself...
I'm trusting Him to take this broken "loser"...
and create from the pieces, a creation He can use...
and He will... if I let Him have His way...

God is good... ALL, the time...

...the quest

this is NOT me...

I couldn't assume the "lotus" position if there was $$ involved...
but I am or I WAS, pretty close to that size...
this time last year... a few pounds ago...

at first, it was relatively simple...
not eating much... walking a bit...
losing weight...and eventually, inches...
don't ask how many...I didn't measure...

I was wearing BIG clothes...that weren't loose...

now, I'm in clothes 2-3 sizes smaller...

but the weight loss has slowed... and stalled...
for the last 3 months...



not wanting to stop at this point...
and beginning to be concerned...
[OK...scared... happy now ?]

I turned to a reliable source for advice...
someone who has quietly encouraged & supported me...
from the beginning of this journey...
a wise and insightful person...
seeming always to know just what to say...and how...

and even though I've been encouraged & supported...
by others as the loss began to show...
and I do appreciate the show of support I've received...

I find myself, at this point of stagnancy...
again seeking encouragement...
and advice from that reliable source...

and after getting some advice & encouragement...
as well as some "different things to do"...
I am feeling much more hopeful...

as well as wondering, "why didn't I think of that ?"

but then, that's why God puts certain people in our lives...
to help us find the hidden potential in ourselves...
and to encourage us in ways we'd never dare to imagine...

besides... distance always helps perspective...



after reaffirming my choices to "eat healthy"...
I decided to try eating less...
I don't eat a lot...not ALL the time...
but if I watch it...
and try to be better about regular meals...
that should help...



after sharing that my current "route" was .68 of a mile...
I shared that I had tried to "ramp it up"...
but had to back off due to pain...

at this point...
with what is best described, as an evil gleam in her eye...
my "reliable source" told me that my eventual goal...
should be to walk 5 miles a day...

when I pointed out how much time it would take...
at my present rate, I was "reminded" that I'm retired...
and have LOTS of time...

but then, of course she's right...
[she generally is... about these things...]
that's why I value her perspective...
[evil gleam, and all...]

I DO have time... and I CAN do this...
[where's my Excedrin ?]



it was also suggested that I drink more water...

I use these bottles [1.5 L]...
and refill them from my RO water filtered faucet...
and then...I realized that my water consumption...
has dropped off in the last month or so...
from an average of 2-3 [1.5 L] bottles per day...
down to 1-2... at the most....

so this is something I can easily do...
I just have to remember...



I'm going to try to blend in a little more aerobic movement...
to increase my flexibility ...



I have a couple of dumbbells...
so I can do some light weight training too...

so... with increased walking...
decreased food intake...
[a food diary is probably a good idea...]
increased water intake...[see above...]
and some light aerobics & weight training...
I'm hoping to get the scales moving downward again...

I think that eventually, though...
I'll just have to bite the bullet...
and join a gym or buy a weight training machine...



though THIS...
is probably out of the question...