...hmmmmmm

a month or so ago, when the prospect of singing a couple of pieces...
from our upcoming Renaissance group concert...
for the church that was allowing us to perform there for free...
first came up, I thought, "no problem"...

I really had to be there since we are only "4" at the moment...
and the pieces we were planning on singing have 4 parts...

but, since their service started at 11 AM...
and ours, which begins at 10 AM...
is usually finished by 11:15 at the latest...
I didn't see a real conflict...
the choir anthem at Offertory[the main event] was always done by 11...
and I could leave before Communion, with BLT in command...

anyway, that was the original plan...

then God decided to teach me a few things about trusting Him...
and leaving everything in His hands...
[not so easy for a "fixer", aka control freak, to do...]

I've had some experiences when I've been able to just, "let go & let God"...
some rather recently as a matter of fact, and quite amazing...
but there have been and will, unfortunately, continue to be, those times...
when, though I know better, fear will sneak in...
and before I realize that I'm trying to "fix it" myself again...
I will have taken control back and chaos will ensue...

the first note of fear was heard...
when I learned that the Bishop would be visiting us that Sunday...
not the best time to "leave early"...
oh, and he would be doing some confirmations then too...

now would be a good time to mention...
that I really enjoy our Bishop's sermons...
he has a delicious sense of humor and always has a timely message...
the only problem is, that he is rarely, if ever, "brief"...

I've never minded his lack of brevity before...
because he is not redundant...
and the message always leaves one with much "food for thought"...

but...

having him preach on the day that I needed to leave by 11 AM...
did not bode well for a graceful exit on my part...

one does NOT get up and walk out during a Bishop's sermon...
and... the sermon comes before the choral anthem...
with the confirmation ceremony coming after the sermon...
also before the choral anthem...

then I was told that on a visit to a nearby parish...
he had recently given a 42 minute sermon...
that's when that quiver of fear established itself...
in the pit of my stomach...

I was toast...

I was probably going to end up embarrassing both myself...
and our parish...
the pressure was building and there seemed to be no way out...

I tried to "fix it"...
by manipulating the performance time at the other church...
to be as late as possible and hoped to hear from Trumpetman...
that he had managed it, but his e-mail confirming the call time...
said, "see you at 11:15-ish"... RATS...
that meant that I had to leave by 11...
as it can take 10 minutes...
to get from my church downtown to the other church...
which is near my house...

about this point, I gave up...

I could hardly walk from the stress and hurt all over...

so I finally did what I should have done when this conflict arose...
I just gave it all to God to work out the details...

He'd been trying to get my attention...
as I had become, more & more stressed...
He reminded me of how L&C just, worked...
because I gave it completely to Him...
and trusted Him to do what was best for us...
according to His will...

how my financial tribulations were also being worked through...

then I heard Him remind me of how much I could mess up things...
if I insisted on trying to "fix" everything myself...
it's taken a lot of pain and aggravation...
[for myself, as well as others...]
to get me to realize that there are things...
that I just can't fix...
and shouldn't even try...

that's His job...

so I let Him have this mess...

as I became more calm...
my mind began to focus on what I needed to do...
I organized my concert folder...
flagging the 2 pieces we would sing...
I practiced the places that I kept stumbling over...
I went through my choir folder...
and made sure I had the anthem in it...

the anthem we were to do was in the L&C folder...
but since I would need to travel light...
I put it into the choir folder...
and left my bag in my car...
pocketing my cough drops...
I also planned to use a pew hymnal...
leaving mine in my bag...

I brought my blazer on a hanger...
[I might want to be more dressy...]
but left it in the car...
wearing my rain jacket as it was pouring Sunday morning...
I decided to park on the street by the south entrance...
as this would allow me to leave...
as unobtrusively as possible...

I would take my cassock & surplice with me...
so I hid my rain jacket under a cloth...
that was covering a rack of music stands in the vestibule...
planning to remove my vestments...
and grab my jacket on the way out...
[the vestibule is outside the sanctuary...
but still inside the church...]

so now I waited for the singers to arrive...

trying to remember to poll the choristers re Christmas Eve...
because I wouldn't see the choir before then...
and, since I had included in my prayer to God...
that we would have all the needed singers there...
both for Sunday and Christmas Eve...
in spite of the people who I knew would be MIA for both...
I just kept calmly reminding myself that,"all will be well"...

I asked BLT to conduct the anthem...
since I didn't know when I'd be leaving...
and it was only fair to let him do the rehearsal...
since he might have to conduct the anthem...

at this point, in walked Hummingbird & Basso[her hubby]...
who I hadn't expected to have present, so that was a good thing...

as I looked around...
I realized that there were only a couple of MIAs...
a soprano, a tenor & a bass...
but we had 3 sops, 2 alti, 2 tenors and 2 basses...
if even BLT was directing & I would be gone...

the numbers for Christmas Eve were also good...

so the service began and seemed to be moving along at a good pace...
and when the Bishop began to speak, it was only 10:15 !

it was another good sermon...
and it was only 20 minutes long...

then came the confirmations of 5 people...
which also went quickly and suddenly...
it was time for the choir anthem...
at 10:55...
pretty normal on a day that had promised to be anything, but...
so since he had rehearsed them, BLT directed...
and for the first time in over 3 years, I sang in the choir...

then I just turned around as the choir resumed their places...
and during the Doxology, walked out the south door...
pausing in the vestibule to remove the choir vestments...
and don my rain jacket...

I stepped outside to note that it was not raining at all...
I got into my car, & headed for the other church...
there was NO traffic at all and I hit EVERY green light...
[that has never happened before...]

almost before I knew it, I was pulling into the parking lot...
4 or 5 minutes, the quickest trip, ever...
but there was one unwelcome sight...
the church "board" advertised the service at 10:30...
not at 11 as we had been told...

as I joined Silversop walking towards the church...
we saw that the patio gate was unlocked and open...
and there was Trumpetman, waving us back to our warm-up room...
we went into the gym and sang through the Byrd a couple of times...
adjusting our standing positions and getting focused...

my voice was rough, though I'd been eating cough drops and swilling water...
so I asked God, who had been so faithful in working out all the details...
of getting me there, to heal the roughness in my voice...
& to allow me to do a good job...

we went into the sanctuary at the appointed time...
and sat in the first row while they took the offering...
as I sang the Doxology, the roughness in my voice was still there...
then we went up to sing...

have I mentioned that BOTH songs we were singing...
began with me alone...?

the first one with low notes which needed to be velvety...
had been anything but in warm-up...
the second one with, what should be, flute-like higher notes...
which had been very rough, all day...

Trumpetman gave me the starting pitch on his recorder...
then I opened my mouth and out came velvety low notes...
continuing throughout the entire piece without a crack, break or rough spot...
after the applause stopped, he gave me the pitch for the 2nd piece...

I took a breath, opened my mouth and out came the lively tune...
with a lighter, flute-like sound that continued to not break...
despite the presence of groups of higher notes throughout...
with not a "frog" or crack in the entire 2 pieces...

after the service...
we schmoozed a bit with the congregation...
finalized our dress rehearsal details...
then went on our merry ways...

as I made my way to my car...
through the now, resumed, rain...
I realized that I always used to feel...
such a great sense of relief...
when a stressful performance was over...

and that there was none of that here...

then it came to me that I didn't feel the relief...
because letting God handle it...
had taken away all the stress...

I had no release or let down...
because I had no stress or worry...
and I have to say...
that as good as "being done" always felt...

this was better...

no ups & downs... no anger or elation...
just an even keel...
a calm feeling of, that's done, what's next ?

it was a good feeling...

I looked at my clock when I started my car...
it was only 11:47 AM...

God is good, indeed...
and He's the One who can truly fix, every thing...

but we have to stay out of it...
and let Him have His way with it...