...into the "valley of the shadow of debt"

having struck-out once again on the job search...
I find myself entering the valley of the shadow of debt...

I am investigating legal actions such as bankruptcy & debt reduction...
but have had to cancel several services & automatic payments...
as my bank account dwindles down...
and am waiting to hear from my insurance agent...
as to how much more they can cut off...

as it stands now, all my accounts are "current"...
that won't last long without a source of income...

my pension pays the mortgage... but that's all...

I continue to search for work but no doors open...
I am completely aware that this mess is of my own making...
but knowing that... trying to avoid further mistakes...
while dealing with my own short-falls and compulsions...
is really difficult...

I have confessed the sins I realize all too clearly...
and try to accept God's forgiveness and help through this place...
which is not easy, because I keep seeing all I've screwed-up...

how I've given in to pleasing or accommodating my own desires...
selfishly putting off the consequences that have now arrived...

since I believe that there is nothing that God can not do...
my only conclusions are that I haven't "got it" yet...

something very basic in me has to be changed...
in order for a resolution to appear...

I have ignored His quiet voice too long...
and now must face some very hard truths about myself...
feel the remorse & pain...
try to let Him have the guilt & weakness...

and try to find that place where He wants me to be...
calm, joyous and trusting in Him for everything...

"be still", He tells me, "wait..."

that He controls all and as I leave it all with Him...
He will provide all my needs...

since I believe that, the problem must be in me...

but He says that I'm not being punished...
and that I must just do what He says and all will be well...

so...

since I trust in His "keeping power"...
I must not be allowing myself to be, "kept" to His satisfaction...

to say that I am confused is an understatement[ditto...]


but I will continue to trust... and hope...




but God is good...