...still waiting

still waiting... still believing...

...choosing to believe

well, here I am again...
approaching the edge with no job in sight...



if I go forward, trusting in God's provision as I've been instructed...
all that I can see is a rough path that appears to descend into ruin & loss...



with no way across the vast expanse of deep & stormy water...
definitely no options of my own making...

but God continues to say that He must be my only supply...
and that if I can overcome my "self", letting Him do it...
I will be taken care of...
in ways that I can not even begin to understand at this point...

so I continue to seek His will, as well as work...
and I choose to believe in His provision, despite the gathering darkness...



I choose to "let Him have the burdens" that are too much for me to bear...
all the ways I've failed, all the mistakes & misunderstood instructions...

I choose not to let the icy grip of fear take hold of me...
I choose to trust in His promises that He will make "all things new"...
I choose to "be calm & hold on to His hand through the storm"...
and I wait... with hope... and joyful anticipation of His miracle working in my life...



God is good... ALL the time...

..."My Utmost for His Highest"[Oswald Chambers]

I have recently begun using the daily devotional, "My Utmost for His Highest"...
along with the "God Calling" Journal which I have read daily for many years...

God has used the "G.C J" to greatly bless me and reveal His way to me...
and the addition of the Chambers devotional has been very enlightening...



God has been dealing with me and my relationships...
as well as my shortcomings in the area of stewardship...
and my inability to make Him ,"Lord" in all areas of my life...
for several years now...

as I have struggled to deal with my deficiencies in these areas...
I have become convinced that my inability to loose weight...
handle money, find a job & have positive relationships...
were all somehow connected...

and that if I could understand how...
then things would get better in all those areas...

through both of these devotionals...
I've gradually begun to understand several important truths...

* I can not plan anything without God...
* I must not have any supply but God...
* reliance on myself, anyone else or anything else does not work...
* God is not planning a peaceful, spiritual retirement for me...
* I must deal honestly with the results of my actions...
* there is a price to be paid...

I'd like to share today's thoughts from the Chambers book...



"In the year King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord..."[Isaiah 6:1]

"Our soul's personal history with God is often an account of the death of our heroes...
Over & over again, God has to remove our friends to put Himself in their place...
and that is when we falter, fail & become discouraged...

When the person, who represented for me all that God was, "left"...
did I give up on life?... become ill or disheartened?...
or did I do as Isaiah did & "see God" ?...

My vision of God is dependent on the condition of my character...
My character determines whether or not truth can be revealed to me...
Before I can say,"I saw the Lord"...
there must be something in my character that conforms to the likeness of God...



Until I am born again & really begin to see the kingdom of God...
I only see from the perspective of my own biases...
What I need is God's surgical procedure- His use of external circumstances...
to bring about internal purification...



Your priorities must be God first, God second & God third...
until your life is continually face to face with God...
and no one else is taken into account, whatsoever...

Your prayer will then be...
"In all the world there is no one but You, dear God;
there is no one but You...

Keep paying the price...

Let God see that you are willing to live up to the vision..."

[July,13,"the Price of the Vision", "My Utmost for His Highest",Oswald Chambers]

God grant me the grace to see Him as my only supply...

...musings on altering states of being

well, it's been about 10 days now without the hCG drops...
and the results have been interesting, to say the least...

I thought I'd be hungry... but I rarely am...
I've added some bread[I'm not supposed to for a couple more weeks...]
but instead of screwing up my metabolism & causing a weight gain...
I've lost another pound...[!]

then there are the various physical "surprises"...

the collar bones I discovered by chance...
[I was afraid at first that they were "lumps"...]
and the bones at the center of my rib cage...
though the existence of my hip bones are still a mystery...

the brand new, non-spandex, "real" jeans I'd never worn, that fit now...
my knees are beginning to appear a bit "knobby"...
and I now have only have one chin...
[sagging neck skin, but only one chin...]

none of my underwear fits anymore...
and all my rings are too big...
so that if I get just a bit dehydrated, they fall off...
[the rings... not the underwear... at least not yet...]
even the Celtic knot ring I just got repaired is quite loose...

and then there are those new shoes I bought to "walk" in...
I told the sales guy that the "D's" were too wide...
but the next width down was "B" which would be too narrow...
so I got an enormous blister between my big & 2nd toe on my first walk...
now I'll just have to wear a bandage on both toes when I walk...

at least now, getting down to my toes to apply the band aides is easier...

I continue to battle with nerve pinches & arthritis in my lower back & hips...
but this is exacerbated with any dehydration...
& the subsequent muscle & ligament knots that form because of it...

I've been taking the glucosamine/chondroiton combo in liquid form...
[I'm using "Elations"..."Joint Juice" is similar...]
the liquid form allows your body to absorb it better...
and heal the joints more efficiently...

and it has helped with the joint pain...

I find it ironic that when I was dropping weight quickly...
my joints would stop hurting, only to have the pain return...
as my body became used to the new, lower weight...
it has reacted to the liquid gluc./chond. the same way...

some days, I feel great... no pain... really loose & flexible...

then other days, I might twist or bend the wrong way...
& then have to fight pinched nerves for several days...
making the battle to stay hydrated a chore...
as when my back flares up, laying on my bed is the only relief...
& the constant running to the bathroom is literally, "a pain"...

but all things considered, I'd rather be here...
than where I was just a couple of years ago...
paralyzed with fear of the results of a continued loss of mobility & strength...
that my deteriorating physical condition was causing...

interestingly enough, I'd tried to lose weight all my adult life...

and it wasn't until the fall of 2007 that I began to have any success at all...
this recent hCG success was also unexpected & surprisingly easy...

but then, God was in it and I suppose that was the key that I'd been searching for...

His way... His time... that I may become His faithful servant...

God is good...

...the amazing shrinking Catsinger, update

well I've made the transition from the 500 calorie diet with hCG...
through the 3 days of 500 calories without hCG...
and my weight seems stable...
up only 1 lb from the lowest point with hCG...

so I'm now in the first 3 week period of "maintenance"...
where I start exercising & can eat 1500 calories a day...

of course, I'm still not consuming 1500 calories a day...
'cause that's a lot of food for me at this point...

I've added back some whole wheat bread as sandwiches...
and I feasted over the 4th & 5th on fresh sweet corn...
but apparently without any jolt to my metabolism...
as my weight continues to hover around the +1 pound mark...
[if you go up more than 2+ pounds, it's a red flag...]

I'm not supposed to eat any starch or sugar for next 3 weeks...
though I can add eggs, fats, some dairy & fattier meats...
as well as 3 times the daily calories...
I think I dodged the bullet with the corn[sweet & starchy]...
as well as the whole wheat bread for sandwiches...

after 3 weeks, I can gradually add back some sweets & starches...
but dried beans, pasta, rices, potatoes, breads & the like...
are something to be monitored carefully...
as well as cakes, cookies & other similar good things...

the good news is that now I can use olive oil...
and that cheese & mayo in salad dressing are OK too...
[in moderation, of course...]

I have to figure out a plan of eating...
that will give me the energy I need to get moving...

if I can get exercising & regain my strength...
I may still be able to keep my metabolism going...
and not only re-develop muscles that have lost their strength...
but also continue a slower, but welcome, weight loss...

the really good news is that even though I feasted on corn...
and have had several sandwiches with the whole wheat bread...
I'm still enjoying eating the kind of food I ate during the 500 calorie phase...
and don't crave carbs or sweets like I have in the past...

so I'm hoping that I've entered a new phase of my eating life...
where I eat to live & not just live to eat...

God is good...all the time...

...many thanks M&CM !

I received an nice surprise this morning...
M&CM appeared after Bible study with this lovely gift for me...

it came from the "pay it forward" blog posts from a couple of years ago...
which I had completely forgotten about...
but she hadn't and she created this wonderful quilted table cloth...
that will be perfect on my 48" round oak table in the breakfast nook...



her choice of subject matter was perfect...
vegetables, of many kinds, interspersed with ferns...
and since my breakfast nook is yellow...
the color is perfect too...



surrounded with a colorful border of flowers...

what is hard to show in pictures is the intricate, swirling stitching...
making patterns of graceful, sweeping curlicues...
that reminds me of fern heads and palm fronds...



a bit easier to see on the backside...
with its green swirls that remind me of cabbages...
but still a bit busy a background to allow one ...
to really appreciate all the intricacies of the decorative stitching...

I am just amazed when I see the detail in a production such as this...
she explained how she cut various parts from other larger patterns...
to put together here...

I truly appreciate all the effort & talent it takes to create something like this...
I know that I'd never have the skill or patience to accomplish it...
so again, many thanks M&CM...
I do appreciate all the effort and perseverance that went into making this...

I'll treasure it always...

...the amazing shrinking Catsinger

my hCG 500 calorie regime is almost over[last day is July 3...]
and there's definitely less of me...
26 lbs less to be exact [75+ total since 10/07]...
and I'm ready to be off the drops...
and to the next phase for a while...

I have to be "off" the drops for as long as I was "on" them...
so I can't go back on them until after August 15...

until then, I'm on the 1500 calorie maintenance phase...
where I still avoid sugar & a lot of starch...
but can have limited things, watching my weight daily...
and taking steps to keep any weight rebound to under 2 pounds...

this phase will be largely trial & error...
to see what & how much I can add back without messing up my set point...
I will also be able to exercise by walking/weight training...
& hope to continue loosing inches...
realizing that building muscles will cause some weight gain...

I will be very glad to loose the fatigue that is part of this phase...
as well as the confusion & forgetfulness that seems to go with it...
I've also had some moments of hot flashes...
but they haven't been too bad & leave quickly...

while I can't remember the last time I was this size/weight...
and I'm very pleased with my success on the diet...
as well as feeling much better & having less pain...
I find myself dealing with a rather ironic twist...

which is that after saving a bunch of jeans and khakis...
for more than 10 years, after they became way too small...
because they were my favorite pants & were too good to give away...
I stored them, hoping that I might lose weight, someday...
and could wear them again...

but now, against all odds, that the hoped for day is here...
they are ALL now, too big...

oh, they fit better than the 4-6 sizes bigger that now fall off me...
but these are not spandex jeans[that's how old they are...]
they are about 1-2 inches too big in the waist...
and baggy in the seat and upper legs...
which also makes them too long...

I haven't tried any of the new smaller ones yet...
[they are all spandex & only jeans...]

ALL my khakis are this, now really loose, size...

I had waited so long to wear these again that I'm still in disbelief...
working my way through pair after pair I couldn't even pull up 2 years ago...
and now they are really loose...

*sigh*

like I said, ironic...
I missed the "window"...

though they are still wearable for a while longer...
as long as they don't get too sloppy-looking...

so if you see me in baggy pants...

it's not just that I can't afford new ones yet...
I just have to get my use out of these I saved for so long...
[many of them have pleats in the front...
that's how old they are...]

it's always something...

but in this case, just a minor annoyance...
when you consider the significance of the situation...

God is good... & this was aimed squarely at my pack-rat tendencies...

I'll bet there's another lesson in here somewhere...