...happy birthday, Mom...

Mom would have been 98 today...

she's in a far better place now...
than she was for the last few years of her life...
but when she died, January 17, 2007...
I lost something that I only have begun to realize as the years pass...

I'm glad your suffering is past...
but I do miss you... every day...

"requiescat in pacem..."

...something's coming

as I crawl ever closer to the end of my hCG regimen...
[my last 500 calorie day is July 3...]
some things are clearer, some are not...
not yet, anyway...



at this point, I'm down about 23 lbs from my starting point...
I'm wearing things that I haven't fit into for at least 10 years...
perhaps more, since my memory is pretty fuzzy...
as is my general mental acuity at this point...



I am attempting to get moving again...
but am being hampered somewhat by some chronic back & nerve issues...
as well as weakened muscles and dogging fatigue from the diet...
but am persisting through the stiffness, lassitude & sore muscles...



on the job front, there is not a whisper...

not yet, anyway...

I've turned in several applications...
but have decided to let the cobwebs clear a bit...
before pursuing more as I've been told to wait, again...
and since my mind is currently like Swiss cheese...
that isn't a bad plan...

to let things percolate a bit...
while my head clears from the diet fog...
and I regain my energy & strength...

to quote Leonard Bernstein,[West Side Story]...



"...something's comin'...
I don't know what it is...
but it is...gonna be great...

the air is hummin'...
and something grand is comin'..."

because God is good, indeed...

...keeping my eyes "on the prize"

the last day or so, I've been told to keep my eyes on my goal...
but also to look around at all that has been accomplished...
because if I focus only on the effort of each step...
as important as that might be, as I traverse this rough terrain...



I won't see the wonders unfolding all around me...
nor will I appreciate the journey...



so trusting in the sureness of my path...
I've been looking up more...
and noticed some interesting things...
like the way my path can change direction if I'm listening...
avoiding an obstacle I might miss if I hadn't looked up...



how sometimes, I seem to be on a path shared by others...
and can follow other people's lead...



and sometimes, not...
at least as far as I can see...
so I must trust completely in the voice that guides me...



which gives a new meaning to "blooming where you're planted"...



and the message that "delay is not denial"...
reminds me of the beauty that can unfold...
with the fullness of time...
and the goodness of God...

"...for lo, the winter is past...

...the rain is over and gone...
the flowers appear on the earth...
the time of the singing of birds is come..."
[Song of Solomon 2:11-12]

...more good things, while waiting

this is a "Flood Plain" map for SJ County[in which is located Mudville]



all that dark blotchy stuff near the middle is Mudville...

though I was unable to find a larger or clearer map...
this is what it shows by the gradation of gray...

A*
Area subject to 1% annual chance (100-year) flood; no Base Flood Elevations determined.
AE*
Area subject to 1% annual chance (100-year) flood; Base Flood Elevations determined; flood depths generally greater than 3 feet.
AH*
Area subject to 1% annual chance (100-year) flood with flood depths of 1 to 3 feet (usually areas of ponding); Base Flood Elevations determined
AO*
Area subject to 1% annual chance (100-year) flood with flood depths of 1 to 3 feet (usually sheet flow on sloping terrain; average depths determined.
X (500)
Areas of 0.2% annual chance (500-year) flood; or areas of 1% annual chance (100-year) flood with average depths of less than 1 foot or with drainage areas less than 1 square mile.
X (LEVEE)
Areas protected by levees from the 1% annual chance (100-year) flood.
X
Areas determined to be outside the 0.2% annual chance (500-year) floodplain.

*Mandatory flood insurance requirements apply.

notice, please, that there are 4 areas...
where it is mandatory to maintain flood insurance...
and three, where it is not...

in January of 2009, the powers that be decided that "the sky was falling"...
and re-drew the "100 year Flood Plain" to include my house...
as I was preparing to shell out $400 to renew the mandatory insurance...
I decided to check & see if anything had changed...

and it had ! [notice the italicized portion above...]

My house is in an area now deemed,"X [Levee]...
and as such, does NOT, [any longer], require flood insurance...
saving me $400 !...

I've lived there for 22 years now and this was the 2nd time...
that flood insurance was required of me, so we'll see...



saving $400 is good, since I just had to spend $500[deductible]on my car...
looks good though & I'm glad to have it back again...

this morning I dropped off the last of 2 job applications at DPet...
I've mailed the VOPU ones and am waiting for results...

I started walking again, though I have to take it easy until 7/4...
when I get off the 500 calorie a day plan & the drops...
and go to the 1500 calories a day, no drops plan...
that needs exercise for it to work...

what I've discovered is that my new walking shoes from 2008...
are now too big[10.5 D] and were creating a problem...
so I went in today to get some smaller shoes...
having moved from 11 EEEE at my heaviest...
now down to 10 D...



I kind of like the look too...
the last ones were silver & red, a bit flashy for my taste...

I also discovered that there are special inserts for my Birkies....
that allow them to absorb shock better...
& to fit more precisely, now that my foot is not so big...

so all in all, a profitable day...

...yep, that's what He said

I re-checked my "message" from yesterday...

"follow ALL leadings..."



so I have been filling out numerous job applications...

from the improbable...

an Associate Professor position as an Access Services/Music Librarian...
at the VOPU Library, which I'm marginally qualified for...
[I lack a few units for the required MLS degree & recent technology experience...
but have all the rest of the requirements, experience & skills...]

this is "tenure track", starts at $50K, benefits, paid vacation, etc...

to the most basic...

a "Mail Clerk" position at VOPU that requires a GED & drivers license...
plus the ability to lift up to 70 lbs, sort mail, sell stamps, etc...
but it's full-time, 40 hrs p/wk...

then there are the several positions at DPet...

I have no details on the hours or salary...
but expect minimum wage and varying hours...



so for the moment, I'm glad to have the "options" available...
but won't know anything for a while...

wouldn't it be just like God...
after all this waiting and closed doors...
to put me in the position to "choose" from several possibilities...
all of which could "work"...

God is good, indeed... and has plans for us that we can not even imagine...

...following orders...or breadcrumbs

my regular readers are aware of my efforts to find a source of income...
and the subsequent lack of success of all previous ventures...

I have been being told, for some time now...
to wait... trust... be calm & not fear...
but to obey the instructions that I would be given...

that in & of itself, can be scary...

what if I "miss" the leading ?
or what if the instructions are vague ?
if I just go searching, will I go in the wrong direction ?
after all, things that have seemed to be "a perfect fit"...
have turned out to be,"not for me", after all...

so I've waited & tried to follow all leadings...
but mostly the voice has told me to "wait"...
and what seemed to be possibilities have dried up & disappeared...

after church yesterday, a person who's also looking for work...
approached me to tell me how she was applying "on-line"...
& encouraged me to do likewise...
I had recently become aware that most fast-food places now hire, "on-line"...
& considered this a "nudge" to start "seeking"...

it always helps to listen to advice from a good friend...
so I asked MrGT if he had any thoughts on my situation...

as usual, his no-nonsense assessment of my impending financial collapse...
& suggestions for dealing with my situation...
brought to my attention that the time for waiting had passed...
it was now a time for finding work...
before things disintegrated beyond help...

this was a door opening...

God was using this advice to move my mind into a more receptive place...

the key thing that he said about looking for work that stuck with me...
was the idea of trying local places rather than the large chains...
so I was not surprised, to definitely get the "seek" message...
during my morning prayer time today...

but before I could get down to the church... to go online...
to re-check some of the places I'd been turned-down before...
or even start to make the rounds of various places I wanted to apply at...
MzFluff made her displeasure clear that she needed more food...


so I put DP on my list, as well as a few fresh groceries...
and went out to go to the church, planning to swing by DP & the market, "after"...
but as I went to back out, I felt an urge to go to DP first...
so I did...



after finding 2 flats of Fluff's favorite food, a flat of regular cat food...
and a bone for Molly, who's doing quite well with her diet...
I waited in line & noticing the manager at the register...
asked if they were taking applications...

he said that they were as they were going to have 2 openings soon...

he gave me an application & we chatted for a bit...
then he carried my cat food out to the car...
where we continued our very positive chat...

I mentioned that I knew the guy who had been the manager...
at his store for years...
and was now at the north Mudville store...
then he told me that he had heard...
that there were going to be openings there too...

so I thanked him, told him that I'd return the application soon & left...

I went right out to the north Mudville store...
only to find that my friend would be on vacation until next Monday...
his assistant told me that there would be an opening...
but that he wouldn't know about it until he returned...

so after an even more positive chat with her...
I left with another application in hand...
quite aware that DP is a "local" business...
which is what MrGT thought I should consider...
[though he did mean a food establishment...
what had stuck in my head was, "local"...]

so I finally got to the church to go online...
& found a FB post by DD about her sister's music school...
which advertised private lessons at their store...
so I sent her an e-mail...[she used to accompany me, eons ago...]
asking whether or not they might need someone to teach brass instruments...



now, I have taught private music lessons, group lessons & class lessons...
& the only way to make a lot of money in lessons...
is to write a book about it & take greedy people's money...
which is why I haven't considered it as a full-time job...



I have done it all when it comes to lessons...
taught privately on trumpet; beginner through college...
group & class lessons on guitar, strings, woodwinds, brass & percussion...
I've also done choir, handbells & recorders...

at my home, their home, schools, music stores, colleges...
it can be fun & satisfying...
but it's also exhausting, very insecure & frustrating...
not to mention not worth the gas & effort sometimes...



I had stopped teaching privately...
when I started teaching in the school district...
but have been recently encouraged by some...
to consider this as a possible revenue stream...

building up a studio is very difficult...

especially during economic times such as these...
but if I was working through a store so that they found & scheduled students...
dealt with collections, absences, etc...
and I only needed to show up & teach...

AND it was not my primary source of income...

I could deal with it, rather nicely...

after sending that e-mail, I went on to the VOPU Library website...
and found that they are seeking an,"Access Librarian/Music Librarian"...

it is, however a faculty position which requires an MLS degree...
[I'm a few units shy of that...]
but I do have the music degree they mention, as well as expertise...
just not the recent online cataloguing experience...

it may be a moot point as the contact person there is on vacation...
until Monday,[hmmmm...] so I don't know if it's filled yet...

I did, however find a Mail Clerk position listed...
which I have applied for online & will mail on my way home...

it's full time and just posted on 6/09/10...
the Librarian job posted 5/10/10, but is still listed...

so I guess I heard the instructions correctly...
it's definitely the time to "seek"...

...adventures in car rental

I had to get up early today...
to take my wounded car to...



they're down by the port and a bit hard to find...



but they are the recognized shop for Mercedes, Porsche & BMW...
not to mention Honda, Toyota and other major makes...
as well as several large insurance companies...
including, obviously, mine, 21st...
[a blatant plug for them as they have been great!
2 claims, excellent service & the rates have gone down...]



hard to believe, but this will cost close to $2400...
not to mention almost a week of a rental car...

which brought me here...



actually, they came & picked me up...
just as they advertise, but I knew that...
having used them before...
which brings me to a couple of nice surprises...

when I last rented a car from them,[3 years ago]...
I couldn't fit into the "midsize car" they'd reserved...
nor could I fit into anything else on their lot at the time...
& had to wait until they got a minivan back the next day...

but that was about 65 lbs ago...

so today when "Grace"[apt name, don't you think?]
picked me up in this...



a Chevy Aveo[same color too]...
I was pleasantly surprised that I fit in the passenger side easily...
AND... the seat belt also fit easily...
and after some discussion as to cost & insurance coverage...
I decided to try the driver's side of the Aveo...

and I fit easily behind the steering wheel...
the seat belt clicking with room to spare...

cool...

then "Grace" told me that the insurance would cover the cost of this car...
with no additional cost to me, except the $10/day insurance...
not bad for a car that retails at $40/day...
and a nice reward to me for the effort put out to loose that weight...

God is good...& He plans ahead...

...the big 10-0-0-0

I've been busy lately...
[besides the fact that I've been really tired...]
so though I knew it was coming sooner than later...
seeing this today was a surprise...



looking farther, this...



it's amazing to me that since 11/23/07 when I got Sitemeter installed...
[the blog began on 8/28/07...]
over 10,000 people have arrived here...

most just bounce on to the next site...
some read & even return...
some leave comments & some become friends...

I don't spend the time I once did online...
as I don't have an ISP at home any more...
but I have, & will continue, to appreciate...
having the outlet of an on-line journal...

I'd like to thanks all of you who stop by...
whether you move on or return, I appreciate your time...
a special thanks to those who are regular visitors...
and especially to the friend who encouraged me to start...

this whole endeavor has been more than I could have ever imagined...

...timing is everything

I have, at times, just been "blown away"...
by the transforming, powerful appearance of a blessing from God...
there aren't angels playing trumpets...
but even though they are organic, they are sudden...

I have also been caught totally unaware by the quiet ones...
the ones that sneak up on you, while you're other wisely occupied...

yesterday was one of those times...

lately, I have been increasingly aware...
of the absence of pain in my body...

grinding, debilitating pain in both hips...
burning nerve pain, shooting up & down my legs...
major muscle spasms & cramping...
and nerve pinches near the tailbone...

they have been my constant companions for about 18 months...

sometimes, not too bad...
sometimes, almost unbearable...
but always there...
with the accompanying loss of muscle tone from inactivity...
as "rest" was the only relief...

getting out of bed, standing up from a chair...
were torture, as was standing up without moving...
walking, when my back hurt, caused muscle tension...
then the joints & nerves would "light up"...
& I'd remember my Dad, hobbling around...

I knew that some of the problem would abate if I was "lighter"...
so I was pleased as the pain began to lessen...
& then, pretty much go away, as I began to lose weight...
I could, get up & walk without the effort or pain of before...

then one morning, I got up & walked through the house before I realized...

that there was NO pain or stiffness... at all!

oh, there were twinges, but I am going on 62...
and one must expect that sort of thing...

I found myself starting to do chores I had put off...
because that kind of moving around, standing or stooping...
had always caused me such pain...
& had taken 2 days to recover from afterwards...

yesterday was trash day...

I returned home energized after a Ren. group rehearsal...
ready to "do the trash"...
I cleaned the cat boxes, collected trash from my bedroom...
then put Molly in her crate so I could do the garbage...

if she's out, she gets into the garbage bag, when I'm busy...
& swipes cat food cans, taking them to her nest...
so I come back in to find several nasty smelling cat food cans...
along with old foil meat was cooked in, chicken bones...
or anything else she shouldn't have, scattered around the LR...

then I went outside to take the trash/garbage/cat box debris...
out through the back door, to be put into the can...

since Molly was in her crate, I decided to water first...

since I haven't cleaned up the leaves, etc. for a while...
[all right, 2 years, but who's counting...]
there are places where the footing is unsure...
& during my shaky/weak period, I gimped around back there...
absolutely terrified of losing my balance & falling...

I knew that if I fell down in the wrong place...
I might not be able to hoist myself back up...
even worse, I might really hurt myself...
& the tenuousness of my independent living situation...
if I became disabled...
hasn't been lost on me...

my current health plan is a PPO, NOT an HMO...
there's a $3600 [total] deductible...
so I couldn't afford home help or care...
& there's no one who would come to take care of me...
so I would be really screwed if I got hurt falling down...

but God tells us over & over, "Be not afraid"...
& He knew that I was at the end of my rope with this...
as well as the other issues causing me fear & trepidation these days...
so He quietly led me to the hCG idea...
lead me to actually DO it...
& then as I began to feel better...
lead me to understand how I was letting fear paralyze me...

so yesterday, I was finally watering in the back yard...
something I'd been putting off for more than a week...
& I noticed that the strong winds had knocked down my spider plant ...
I put down the hose and as I stepped around some stuff...
I felt myself starting to lose my balance...

I fell, seemingly in s-l-o-w motion, onto a pile of stuff...
an old lattice laying in a raised bed...
I was wet & muddy, but nothing seemed broken...
then I realized that I was a bit like a turtle on its back...

I had no leverage to get myself back up...

I looked around & spied several rolls of edging...
using a stick to drag them over, I stacked them up...
then rolled over, using them to help me push myself up...
it was easier than I had imagined it might be...
the muscle weakness of the recent months, was gone...

I stood there, bushing off the mud & leaves from my arms & pants...

no cuts... or bruises... & no pain...
only mud & grass stains...

slowly, I realized that just a week ago...
I probably would not have been able to get up...
I would have had to crawl to the table...
but by that time would have been too weak to pull myself up...

talk about good timing...

I went ahead to finish putting the trash & garbage in the can...
and moved it out to the curb...
feeling rather "loose" and, surprisingly, NOT at all weak...
I went inside, let Molly out...
& continued a few more chores...

then I fixed lunch...
having no problems standing to do it...
sat down & ate, then lay down to read a bit...
eventually taking a power nap...

today, I am a bit sore...
but that's to be expected...
if this had happened about 13 lbs ago...
I'd have been laid up in bed for days...

and then, would have had to spend $$$ at the chiropractor's...

since the pains have abated in the last week...
I'm taking much less Excedrin...
so now, it really works when I need it...
& I fell that as I increase my activity...
my strength and balance will return...
along with my confidence in my ability to take proper care of myself...

but the best thing ?

that undercurrent of knowledge that God is so powerful...
and has such wonderful plans for me...
that all fears or concerns on my part...
for anything I need are groundless, counter-productive...
& really wrong for me at this point...

that gives me peace... & makes me smile...

...what I've been eating

on May 22 I started taking sub lingual hCG drops...
I'd taken hCG after college,but as a series of injections...
to say it was a pain in the butt, would be redundant...

this hormone, hCG, is present in the urine of pregnant women...
& has been found, along with a rigidly restrictive diet...
to help produce a weight loss that targets the stored fat for nourishment...
while NOT tearing down the muscle tissues needed to sustain a healthy life...

it worked OK then, I lost some weight...
but I wasn't careful about my diet...
I hated the food & was always hungry...
and the minute I got off of it...
the weight all came back & then some...

however, all the back & hip pain since my accident, Dec.27,2007...
[which stopped the regular walking regime I'd been on...
& allowed a small, but debilitating weight gain...]
has really put me "out of action"...
as I got weaker & more unable to get around because of the pain...

it was a vicious circle, feeding itself...

I couldn't exercise properly or take care of my life...
due to the pain from extra pounds & weakened muscles...
which only led to less activity and more pain...

I saw that this path could not continue...
or soon, I would be unable to function at all...

I would try to get moving again...
but was always stopped in my tracks by the grinding pain...
and the accompanying loss of balance & strength...
I was literally afraid of falling down, all the time...

I finally managed to move the scales back into the bathroom...
they are the balance beam kind, quite heavy & clumsy to move...
and I really paid for my effort for more than a week...
with back & hip pain, pinched nerves & being barely able to walk...

the scales had never seemed to work properly in the bedroom...
maybe it was all the clothes I draped over them...
or the uneven floor...
or lack of real space to stand on them properly...

but I hadn't been able to use them...
since the new bath was finished in Feb.,2009...
so I had NO idea what I weighed...

I stepped on the scales with mounting trepidation...
sure that I'd must have regained a big chunk of the 60 lbs I'd lost...
& I was amazed by the discovery that I'd only regained about 10 lbs...
so I was encouraged to take a chance on the hCG drops...

I really was at the end of my rope...
so I had nothing to "lose"[pardon the irony...]
if I tried & failed except the cost of the drops...
and everything to "gain"[ironic, isn't it?] if it "worked"...

basically, I take .5ml of hCG under my tongue 3 times a day...

I can't eat or drink anything 15 minutes right before or after...
I have to drink 3-4 L of water a day...
I also take sub lingual Vit.B complex drops, calcium, a multi vitamin...
and a glucosamine supplement daily...

phase 1 of the diet is 2 days...
during which you take the drops, but eat as much fattening food as you can...

for me, this was harder than you might think...
the idea is to have the hCG stored in your fat cells...
so that you have a jump start to using the stored fat...
when you go into phase 2 for 23-40 days...

phase 2 is the "500 calories a day" phase...
where the hCG pulls the stored fat from your belly, hips, thighs etc...
burning it for your body's use...
in place of the calories you're not consuming...

all the water flushes out your system...
including all the toxins stored in those fat deposits...
so you are encouraged to be normally active...
but to avoid more than easy walking as exercise...
and to make sure you eat most of what you are allowed...

basically, you are changing your metabolism set-point...

too much exercise would trick your body into burning muscle tissue...
too little food would trigger your "famine" mode...
where all food is stored and no weight is dropped...
too little water will put you at the mercy...
of all the toxins the fat burning is releasing...
making you sick, tired & unable to continue...

so it is a careful balancing act...

the 500 calorie diet allows 2 meals a day[lunch & dinner]

at each you may have about 250 calories...

100g[weighed raw] of chicken breast, white fish/seafood or lean beef...
cooked with out skin or fat...

2 veggies[about 1 C each except 2 C salad greens]no root/starchy ones...

1 fruit only 1 apple, 1 orange, 1/2 grapefruit, 2 plums, 1 peach...
or 1cup cherries or strawberries...

2 pieces Melba toast or a bread stick...

each day, you may have 1 TBSP milk, juice of 1 lemon & 1 TBSP tomato paste...
organic chicken & beef broth maybe used for soup or as cooking aids...

Stevia is the only sweetener used, coffee & tea are allowed...
as are most herbs, spices & vinegars...

NO FATS, NO SUGARS/STARCHES, NO MSG...

label reading is required...

so like you, I was thinking that this would NOT be fun...
absolutely necessary, but a trial to suffer through...


I COULD NOT HAVE BEEN MORE WRONG...

the first couple of days...
I ate some chicken breast I'd slow cooked...
or a pan grilled bit of beef steak
with some canned spinach or green beans...
and had a couple of apples each day...

it was OK, but I was hungry...
craving flavor & texture...
crunch... tang... zip...

then, the small cooked shrimp was on sale...
so I bought a pound, weighed out portions...
and bagged them, storing in the coldest part of the 'fridge...

for lunch, I put 2 large handfuls[2 C] of salad greens in a bowl...
added some chopped celery & cherry tomatoes...
[always good in a shrimp salad...]
and whipped up a "cocktail sauce"...
from the TBSP of tomato paste, apple cider vinegar, Stevia & spices...

I mixed the shrimp into the sauce and added it to the salad...



it was not only filling, but really good !
I have made it for lunch several times since...
and it never fails to hit the spot...



encouraged by success, I put 100g of snapper, some broccoli, zucchini...
onion, cherry toms, the juice of 1 Meyer lemon & some spices...
into a foil packet & baked at 400˚ for about 25 minutes...
it was delicious and the resulting broth was too die for...



wanting a change from shrimp salad & the tomato-y dressing...
I then tried the same veggies, along with sliced onion...
chicken breast and a mustard vinaigrette...
it was really good too...



then the weather got a bit cooler...
so I decided to try some soup...

I used a quart box of organic 100% fat free, no MSG chix broth...
[it had 40 calories for the entire 4 cups...]
in it I simmered 100g chix breast, 1 zucchini, sliced onion...
the inner stalks of a head of celery and a handful of kale...
along with some "freeze-dried poultry herbs" & "Spike"...
s&p, along with some garlic powder & onion powder...

it was heaven! so satisfying and tasted wonderful...!

I made the same recipe Saturday adding tomato paste & sliced garlic...
so savory & filling, I saved some for Sunday...

that stock would be wonderful with cod, shrimp or crab in it...

and for my Memorial Day "dinner"...?



a nice salad with sliced celery, onion, garlic, cherry toms...
and a pan grilled burger patty[100g of 93% lean] with grilled red onions...
all topped with a stone-ground mustard vinaigrette...
so satisfying & tastes wonderful...

the big surprise is that it is taking me...
maybe 10-15 minutes to make a meal...
a healthy, good-tasting meal from scratch...
that fills me up, I enjoy eating and is healthy...

oh... and since 5/22, I've lost about 12 lbs...
the hip, joint & back pain is almost completely gone...
the stiffness & lurching gait are going...
my strength, balance & energy are returning...
to the point that I'll be able to start walking soon...

and I'm starting to feel light...

who would have ever thought that this...
would be SO, the right thing at the right time for me ?

God is good... even when we aren't paying attention...