...Merry Christmas, all 12 Days of it, & a Happy New Year to all

this is my favorite stained glass window in the church...
it's high up in the "tower"...

[seen here in context, in the tower, upper left side, eastern exposure...]

all the windows on the 3 sides of the tower honor women...
the other 8 are all similar in style and type of glass used...
but the "Madonna & Child" one is special...

besides being a more traditional style than the others...
it has a lot of deep blue, as well as red...
and the colors are so intense...
that they just don't capture well on film...
but they always take my breath away...

at this time of the year...
with another Christmas season rapidly moving ahead...
and yet another year coming to a close...
I find myself taking "stock"...
with a few surprises coming to my attention...

my financial situation is not at all settled...
I receive about 6-8 calls a day that I "ignore"...
handfuls of "mail" that I just put into an envelope, unread...
as well as e-mails that get filed, unread...

the only way that I can deal with this period of great uncertainty...
is to just give it all to God and not think about it...
reading the collection letters, talking to collectors on the phone...
[thus making my cell phone bill explode...]
solves no problems, makes me feel lousy...
and makes it difficult to just, "let it go"...

I'm doing what I can and leaving the rest to God to work out...

I'm quite aware that this sounds like an "ostrich" mentality...
but consider these points...

I have applied for modification of my first mortgage...
and have the bank's attention...
I have also applied for a modification of my second mortgage...
[which I am completely upside down in...]
and we'll see how that works out...

I am still paying[& using] a credit card for gas...
as well as a department store card with a small balance...
and an online bookstore card with a small credit limit...

AMEX, Discover, HSBC and another card...
alternately loathe and despise me one moment...
by having collection agencies threaten me...
with garnishment of my "wages"...
or seizure of my savings...
[good luck with that, since I have neither...]

or with the conciliatory missives that remind me...
"all the bad things will stop if you bring your account current"...
keeping my accounts "current"...
is the reason I no longer have savings for them to seize...

Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University course taught me a lot...
especially how credit cards deal with collections...
so even though my first choice would have been to have a job...
and pay off all those debts, I refuse to feel guilty anymore...

I spent a couple of years looking for work...
with all doors slammed in my face...
and when I had to miss those first payments...
because there was NO money, I was ashamed...

as I realized that I could become homeless quickly...
fear, shame and guilt ravaged my mind...
I came to the realization that I couldn't pretend anymore...
I was poor and things had to change...

finding a job seemed to not be an option...
so I was going to have to "pare down"...
"make do with less"...
and all those other clichés...

I have also come to realize that doing with less...
can be a good thing for someone who tends to be as self-involved as I am...
whereas someone younger might think...
"this is only temporary"...
I have had to change my lifestyle drastically...

having money gave me control...
not having money has shown me...
that God needed to have that control...

if I need it, He will provide it...
whether it's financial, physical or emotional...

an interesting incident in point...

things are always "tight" at the end of the month...
since I had some large expenses at the beginning of December...
this month was especially tight...
but... there was that first SSA benefit check...
due to appear in my checking account on Dec. 22...

and it did... so I went to the store with a list...
and was doing well until I realized that I needed Excedrin...
and finding it for almost the same as Wallyworld's low price...
I picked-up a couple of 200 ct bottles...
as well as a bottle of glucosamine, that was on sale...

so at the check-out, things cost more that I had figured...
and suddenly, there was a potential problem...
but only when my cell bill was paid and only about $5...
so I should have time to dig through my change jar & cover it...

the next day, on Christmas Eve morning...
I went to help decorate the church, I'm not in the Altar Guild...
but they were a few people short, so I went to help out...
before I left, Square Peg gave me a check I wasn't expecting...
an anonymous donor had left me a Christmas gratuity...

so I went across the street to WFB and deposited it...
discovering that the cell bill had come in early...
and though they were listed as,"pending"...
they had moved the less than $10 from my savings...
and showed me as "overdrawn"...[pending several transactions]

I had an e-mail notifying me of the deficit...
asking me to take care of it and that "fees" would be charged...

since the small check I had deposited brought my account, positive...
by about $15 and they usually charge at least $20 for overdrafts...
I was resigned to a bad situation becoming worse...
just told God to take care of it and forgot about it...

that is, until today,[6 days later], when I looked at my account online...

it showed no charges or withdrawals "pending"...
it showed nothing as having been "returned"...
it showed no overdraft charge...

there was a balance of $5.97 in checking...
and the $9.92 was back in savings...

oh... and there was a pending deposit of $493.62...
it usually comes in after the first, this month, it's early...

I have generally had good relations with WFB...
but this is a first...

so for those who may think that my reliance on God's provision...
is "pretending", wishful thinking, loss of reality...
or just plain silly...
think what you will...

as for me, I will say, with no hint of pretense...

"all is well..."

and go on my way, calm & assured in the goodness of God...

...winter skys in Mudville

although there can be a lot of fog and gloomy dampness...
not to mention rain, enhancing our coziness this time of year...
it's not unusual for us to have moments like this...

the forecast for today, as well as the next several days...
is, "showers", with their attendant murky gloom...
which are often punctuated by periods of dazzling sunshine...
especially if the cloud cover is broken by winds aloft...

all it takes is a look around to see how quickly things can change...

the bright sun was to the south...
and to the northeast...

there's definitely snow falling in these hills...

skyscapes such as these make me wish...
that I could remove the urban clutter from the frame...
but cropping just doesn't "work"...
so I left the urban edges for perspective...

...seasonal foliage

the poinsettia I'm trying to revive seems to be doing well...

unless you look at the back of it, that is...
so I'll take it to church on Friday, just in case...
they need a "filler" on the altar...
and just like that lop-sided tree that looks fine from one side...
it may still be able to "serve" with its bad side to the wall...
where no one will notice its deficiencies...

there's probably a life lesson in that, somewhere...

this is the survivor from the ones I took home last year...
but that was after Christmas,when they were almost gone...
this one made it through the summer on my front porch...
and with no special treatment, managed at least a couple of red bracks...

the Christmas cactii are blooming...
here you see the "salmon"one...
there are also dark red, traditional rose and a pale pink...

these begonias sat in 6 packs for quite a while...

finally, I planted them... they could have also been "tossed"...
they were that far gone...

after sulking for a month or so...
they have really grown and flourished...
providing another life lesson...

beyond not procrastinating, that is...

months ago, I saw these baby stag horn ferns at OSH...
but resisted temptation then...
when I was there the other day, I decided that if there was one left..
it was going home with me... and there was just one...
buried in with a bunch of more generic ferns...

my plan is to find a thick piece of cedar, about 6"x 8"...
make a pouch of some fiberglass screen I have...
line it with sphagnum moss to hold in the soil and roots...
and hang it on my front porch under the canvas awning...

they grow in the wild on the sides of trees...
and I once had one that was set-up on a piece of wood like that...

it's now mature and several years ago, I transplanted it into a basket...
it has had "pups" and there are now several in that group...
it loves the back yard, on the garage, shaded by an oak tree...

I went to OSH hoping to find a half flat of "johnny jump-ups"...
but though there were no half flats, the 6-packs were on sale...
so I bought 6 of them at about the same cost[$12.00]...
these are technically,"penny yellow jump-ups"...
and have 2 color variations...

this one that is more intense, like the "johnnies"...

and this one that is more pale...

in any case, they will flourish from now on...
having a growth spurt with the warmer weather...
blooming heavily all spring...
and as the heat starts to get to them in late spring...
I just move them back into more shadows...

until the extended heat of the summer finally gets them...
to be replaced by the portulacas that I just took out...
because the cold and damp got them...

Happy Winter Solstice everyone...

...hmmmmmm

a month or so ago, when the prospect of singing a couple of pieces...
from our upcoming Renaissance group concert...
for the church that was allowing us to perform there for free...
first came up, I thought, "no problem"...

I really had to be there since we are only "4" at the moment...
and the pieces we were planning on singing have 4 parts...

but, since their service started at 11 AM...
and ours, which begins at 10 AM...
is usually finished by 11:15 at the latest...
I didn't see a real conflict...
the choir anthem at Offertory[the main event] was always done by 11...
and I could leave before Communion, with BLT in command...

anyway, that was the original plan...

then God decided to teach me a few things about trusting Him...
and leaving everything in His hands...
[not so easy for a "fixer", aka control freak, to do...]

I've had some experiences when I've been able to just, "let go & let God"...
some rather recently as a matter of fact, and quite amazing...
but there have been and will, unfortunately, continue to be, those times...
when, though I know better, fear will sneak in...
and before I realize that I'm trying to "fix it" myself again...
I will have taken control back and chaos will ensue...

the first note of fear was heard...
when I learned that the Bishop would be visiting us that Sunday...
not the best time to "leave early"...
oh, and he would be doing some confirmations then too...

now would be a good time to mention...
that I really enjoy our Bishop's sermons...
he has a delicious sense of humor and always has a timely message...
the only problem is, that he is rarely, if ever, "brief"...

I've never minded his lack of brevity before...
because he is not redundant...
and the message always leaves one with much "food for thought"...

but...

having him preach on the day that I needed to leave by 11 AM...
did not bode well for a graceful exit on my part...

one does NOT get up and walk out during a Bishop's sermon...
and... the sermon comes before the choral anthem...
with the confirmation ceremony coming after the sermon...
also before the choral anthem...

then I was told that on a visit to a nearby parish...
he had recently given a 42 minute sermon...
that's when that quiver of fear established itself...
in the pit of my stomach...

I was toast...

I was probably going to end up embarrassing both myself...
and our parish...
the pressure was building and there seemed to be no way out...

I tried to "fix it"...
by manipulating the performance time at the other church...
to be as late as possible and hoped to hear from Trumpetman...
that he had managed it, but his e-mail confirming the call time...
said, "see you at 11:15-ish"... RATS...
that meant that I had to leave by 11...
as it can take 10 minutes...
to get from my church downtown to the other church...
which is near my house...

about this point, I gave up...

I could hardly walk from the stress and hurt all over...

so I finally did what I should have done when this conflict arose...
I just gave it all to God to work out the details...

He'd been trying to get my attention...
as I had become, more & more stressed...
He reminded me of how L&C just, worked...
because I gave it completely to Him...
and trusted Him to do what was best for us...
according to His will...

how my financial tribulations were also being worked through...

then I heard Him remind me of how much I could mess up things...
if I insisted on trying to "fix" everything myself...
it's taken a lot of pain and aggravation...
[for myself, as well as others...]
to get me to realize that there are things...
that I just can't fix...
and shouldn't even try...

that's His job...

so I let Him have this mess...

as I became more calm...
my mind began to focus on what I needed to do...
I organized my concert folder...
flagging the 2 pieces we would sing...
I practiced the places that I kept stumbling over...
I went through my choir folder...
and made sure I had the anthem in it...

the anthem we were to do was in the L&C folder...
but since I would need to travel light...
I put it into the choir folder...
and left my bag in my car...
pocketing my cough drops...
I also planned to use a pew hymnal...
leaving mine in my bag...

I brought my blazer on a hanger...
[I might want to be more dressy...]
but left it in the car...
wearing my rain jacket as it was pouring Sunday morning...
I decided to park on the street by the south entrance...
as this would allow me to leave...
as unobtrusively as possible...

I would take my cassock & surplice with me...
so I hid my rain jacket under a cloth...
that was covering a rack of music stands in the vestibule...
planning to remove my vestments...
and grab my jacket on the way out...
[the vestibule is outside the sanctuary...
but still inside the church...]

so now I waited for the singers to arrive...

trying to remember to poll the choristers re Christmas Eve...
because I wouldn't see the choir before then...
and, since I had included in my prayer to God...
that we would have all the needed singers there...
both for Sunday and Christmas Eve...
in spite of the people who I knew would be MIA for both...
I just kept calmly reminding myself that,"all will be well"...

I asked BLT to conduct the anthem...
since I didn't know when I'd be leaving...
and it was only fair to let him do the rehearsal...
since he might have to conduct the anthem...

at this point, in walked Hummingbird & Basso[her hubby]...
who I hadn't expected to have present, so that was a good thing...

as I looked around...
I realized that there were only a couple of MIAs...
a soprano, a tenor & a bass...
but we had 3 sops, 2 alti, 2 tenors and 2 basses...
if even BLT was directing & I would be gone...

the numbers for Christmas Eve were also good...

so the service began and seemed to be moving along at a good pace...
and when the Bishop began to speak, it was only 10:15 !

it was another good sermon...
and it was only 20 minutes long...

then came the confirmations of 5 people...
which also went quickly and suddenly...
it was time for the choir anthem...
at 10:55...
pretty normal on a day that had promised to be anything, but...
so since he had rehearsed them, BLT directed...
and for the first time in over 3 years, I sang in the choir...

then I just turned around as the choir resumed their places...
and during the Doxology, walked out the south door...
pausing in the vestibule to remove the choir vestments...
and don my rain jacket...

I stepped outside to note that it was not raining at all...
I got into my car, & headed for the other church...
there was NO traffic at all and I hit EVERY green light...
[that has never happened before...]

almost before I knew it, I was pulling into the parking lot...
4 or 5 minutes, the quickest trip, ever...
but there was one unwelcome sight...
the church "board" advertised the service at 10:30...
not at 11 as we had been told...

as I joined Silversop walking towards the church...
we saw that the patio gate was unlocked and open...
and there was Trumpetman, waving us back to our warm-up room...
we went into the gym and sang through the Byrd a couple of times...
adjusting our standing positions and getting focused...

my voice was rough, though I'd been eating cough drops and swilling water...
so I asked God, who had been so faithful in working out all the details...
of getting me there, to heal the roughness in my voice...
& to allow me to do a good job...

we went into the sanctuary at the appointed time...
and sat in the first row while they took the offering...
as I sang the Doxology, the roughness in my voice was still there...
then we went up to sing...

have I mentioned that BOTH songs we were singing...
began with me alone...?

the first one with low notes which needed to be velvety...
had been anything but in warm-up...
the second one with, what should be, flute-like higher notes...
which had been very rough, all day...

Trumpetman gave me the starting pitch on his recorder...
then I opened my mouth and out came velvety low notes...
continuing throughout the entire piece without a crack, break or rough spot...
after the applause stopped, he gave me the pitch for the 2nd piece...

I took a breath, opened my mouth and out came the lively tune...
with a lighter, flute-like sound that continued to not break...
despite the presence of groups of higher notes throughout...
with not a "frog" or crack in the entire 2 pieces...

after the service...
we schmoozed a bit with the congregation...
finalized our dress rehearsal details...
then went on our merry ways...

as I made my way to my car...
through the now, resumed, rain...
I realized that I always used to feel...
such a great sense of relief...
when a stressful performance was over...

and that there was none of that here...

then it came to me that I didn't feel the relief...
because letting God handle it...
had taken away all the stress...

I had no release or let down...
because I had no stress or worry...
and I have to say...
that as good as "being done" always felt...

this was better...

no ups & downs... no anger or elation...
just an even keel...
a calm feeling of, that's done, what's next ?

it was a good feeling...

I looked at my clock when I started my car...
it was only 11:47 AM...

God is good, indeed...
and He's the One who can truly fix, every thing...

but we have to stay out of it...
and let Him have His way with it...

...raindrops on poinsettias

the edge of the "big storm"[ooooo] that will bring wind...
and lots of rain over the next week is "misting"...

in the Chicagoland area, it would be frozen and, therefore, be sleet...
here, however, we are too close to SFBay and pretty much, "sea level"...
so we get "misting"...

much wetter and more insistent than fog...
and makes for photo-ops a-plenty...

everything living is loving the wetness...
our current weather status is,"fog"...
drippy, misting fog...
with the daily high of 48˚F...
which with the slight wind, feels like 45˚F...

when the storm hits, the temps will be in the low 50's...
because the heavy cloud cover holds in warmth...
however, should the winds reach the projected velocity...
along with heavy rains...
those mid 50's will feel much colder...

there's no danger of frost through Christmas...
due to this storm...
so all the developing lemons will have a good drink...
but no frost burn...

this is my current porch color spot...

the begonias are loving it and have thrived here...
the Christmas cactii, which were blooming in the back...
have been moved around to fill-in for the portulacas...
who finally gave up the ghost with the last frost...

I'm hoping to be able to find some Johnny Jump-ups soon...
for the big, permanent planters...
where currently the cactii reside in their own pots...
but cost will be a concern, so I'll have to keep an eye peeled...

and then there's the honored guest...
the poinsettia which was left over at the church...
got too dry and needed some TLC if it was to be on the alter for Christmas...
so I volunteered to bring it home and try to bring it back...

this was quite a pleasing development, the poinsettia that is...
I couldn't afford one this year...
and the bedraggled one that I rescued from the church last year...
survived the summer, but has only one red brack...

so this one gets TLC & I get to enjoy its festive color...
and it really seems quite happy where it is...

the misting rain & non-freezing temps as well as this light...
will get it stable enough to get through the stress of being indoors...
for a couple of weeks on the altar...[the 12 Days of Christmas]...
I'll bring it back to the church on Christmas Eve in the morning...
when I go to assist with the hanging of the greens...
and it will assume its rightful spot...
happy and healthy...

...the journey is officially, "under way"

the day after I met with my HUD counselor...
and she informed me that she had just faxed...
my 1st mortgage modification application...
for the third time...
I got a form letter from WFB...

they thanked me for my "interest" in modifying my loan...
blah, blah, blah...
and then asked me to contact them with ALL the materials...
that have been submitted 3 times now, since 9/17/10...
[blah, blah, blah...]

I suspected that this was really bankspeak for...
"we are going to drag this out by confusing you"...
and, "we're hoping that you get frustrated...
so that we can continue to bleed you dry...
while we muddy the waters with requests for unneeded documents"...

well, the months of dreading the possibility of this process...
the pain of realizing that I had come to this place...
the really humiliating moments of telling a lawyer my situation...
and then contacting and finally meeting with the HUD counselor...

have toughened my resolve to trust in God...
and see this really unpleasant time, through...

on Dec.9, when I met with the HUD counselor...
and she told me that she had just submitted all my paperwork...
for the third time without any acknowledgement...
that they'd received it except the fax cover sheet on the last try...

the form letter I got yesterday was dated Dec.9...
so I guess the 3rd time was the charm...

I called my counselor to let her know what I had received...
and that I assumed that since I was dealing with the bank...
through them[the VHB HUD company]...
that I didn't need to respond to WFB in any way...

she affirmed my thoughts and said...
that I was correct in thinking that any phone calls...
or materials sent to them would only "muddy the waters"...
and allow them to stall longer...

so at least I know that WFB has my application...

and my counselor is sending a package to the holder of my 2nd...
who are threatening "foreclosure"...

but she has assured me that since the 2nd holders' claim...
is less than half of the first AND I'm upside down to both...
AND my only income are pension/SS payments that they can't garnish...
with no savings or assets they can seize...
there isn't much that they can do...

this also goes for the credit card companies...
who have now resorted to nasty letters from lawyers...
aka.collection agencies...
as well as the daily phone calls that leave voice messages...
which I delete without listening to...

but nothing can begin for me as a solution to them...
until my first is modified...
so I'm pleased that the process which should have begun in September...
has finally begun in December...

I'm told that it can take 4-6 months to modify a mortgage...

and, of course, all my paperwork that was current in September...
is a bit out of date in December...
but I did just resubmit income verification[pension pay stub]...
and bank records for Nov./Dec. for the 2nd package...
as well as the SSA "benefits payment" verification letter...
so at least that's available from the counselor...

we're to meet after the first of the year...
and see where we are then...

hopefully, there will be a happy ending...
sometime in the future...

but I must share that as daunting as this experience has been so far...
I have been able to find a sense of peace & calm in trusting God...
and though I know that there will be more scary moments ahead...
He will be with me, guiding my steps and holding my hand...

that His will for me, will prevail...
and that's enough for me...

God is Good, Indeed...

...more stuff I gotta do

as I sit here in the conference room at the church office...
I look out of the windows, and though it's only 4:26 PM...
and the Winter Solstice is still more than a week away...
it is quite murky and dark outside...

to be fair, it's been showery and overcast all day...
but now, it's very nearly nightfall...
and as the hiss of vehicle tires on wet pavement...
blends with the roar of engines...
they create a Doppler effect as they pass by...

the red of tail lights and running lights gleam and blink...
like moving holiday decorations...
mixing with the street lights coming on...
as well as the outdoor signs of businesses...
that blink to life as the interior lights are extinguished...

I'm still here because I had some choir work to do...
and decided to write a post after doing a number of things...
since I need to do a bit more work, before I am "done"...
and wanted a sense of completion for this day...

to be fair, I did copy a bunch of statements & pay stubs...
for my meeting tomorrow at the HUD company about modifying my 2nd...
since they are threatening "foreclosure"...
if I don't pay them $2500 by tomorrow...
[good luck with that...]

the situation with the first mortgage holder is still in the first phases...
since my HUD counselor has now submitted my application for the 3rd time...

they lost the 1st set of papers and didn't respond to the 2nd set...
so she sent a 3rd set and is contacting a person at the bank...
who has been helpful with modifications in the past...

since I've never even been late with the first mortgage...
they won't foreclose...
and the 2nd mortgage holder can't foreclose if the first doesn't...
not to mention that I have no wages to garnish or savings to seize...
and that the value of my house is $50k upside-down to the 1st...
so the "worst" the 2nd can do is to put a lien on my property...

I just hope that the modification of the first goes through soon...
because I keep getting hate mail & phone calls from my creditors...

I had a scare when a letter from the SSAdmin...
referred to my first payment date as Jan. 26...
they had earlier said it would be Dec.22...
and I was counting on that payment, in December...

I made a phone calls, negotiated a menu, and spoke with a real person...
a local office person, here in Mudville[!!!]...
who checked for me & said that the Dec. date was correct...
what a relief... now I can pay the end of the month bills...

so tomorrow, I'll do my trash & chores at home...
then come down here to finish the choir paperwork...
I'll meet with my HUD counselor at 3...
and go to a Renaissance group rehearsal at 6:30 PM...

we have a concert on December 22...

and since there are only 4 singers at this time...
I'm quite busy practicing my vocal parts...
now that I've replaced the broken AC adapter for my keyboard...
[it cost $20, but got here quickly...]

then there are the alto & bass recorder parts...
I have to get my arthritic fingers to play...
as well as the sackbutt parts & trumpet fanfare...

oh... did I forget to mention the drum and the handbells...?

it now takes more effort to get all my instruments & equipment to rehearsals...
than I used to exert going to Symphony rehearsals with multiple instruments...
or brass quintet rehearsals/concerts that always used a lot of horns...
not to mention music stand, trumpet stands, etc...

but, it is fun music...
and there's no business like show business...

well, now, it's 5:14 PM...
and dead dark outside...

I'm going home to let Molly out...
and be called nasty names by Piglet...
who does NOT get to go outside after dark...
but believes that it is her right to be outside...
and will NOT go quietly into the evening...

...another Lessons & Carols in the books

I took this picture during the dress rehearsal for L&C...
trying to capture the "Jesus shining" phenomenon...
that we have experienced at certain times of the year...
this is not the best I've seen...
but I hope that you can get the idea anyway...

when the light is just right, generally in late November-December...
around 10:30-11 AM, the Jesus in the window above the altar...
is in a beam of light that illuminates only Him...

I first noticed it during the dress for L&C in 2007...
when, as I was directing the choir for the first time...
I looked up to see, what I now know to be...
a really spectacular illuminated moment...
which I shared with the choir...

since then, I look for that moment...
anytime that I'm in the church at the right time of day...
during the right time of year...

if it's cloudy outside, the moment is not as stunning...
but if it is sunny, or at least sunny at the right time...
it can be a moment that takes your breath away...
much like the service of Lessons & Carols has become...

we think of it as a service, although it is the only time during the year...
that the choir does anything that even vaguely approaches a concert...
in as much as we prepare and present 9 anthems...
as well as sing a prelude, processional and recessional...

there is, however, no point at which the choir receives applause...

this year, as usual, we opened the service with the Matin Responses of Palestrina...
sung from the back of the church with tenor, baritone & boy soprano cantors...
we used to have some scary moments with this...
but we really know it now and this year, it was wonderful...

then accompanied by a tolling handbell...
we process up the center aisle...
singing the old hymn, "Creator of the Stars of Night"...
which along with the Palestrina and the recessional...
are a legacy from Dearest Dragonfly...

the 1st Reading is the creation of man, including the fall, from Genesis...
then follows an anthem...
[this pattern is followed through 9 Readings]...

our first anthem was the Boris Ord,"Adam Lay Ybounden"...
this year, sung in a very lively tempo...
the ancient text reminds us of the "fall"...
and how we were doomed until God sent His Son to us...
to take on our sins and return us to grace...

after the 2nd Reading, we sang Wm Byrd's,"O Magnum Mysterium"...
a hauntingly beautiful telling in Latin...
of the great mystery that God should come among us...
to be born in a stable, watched over by animals...
sung with great sensitivity by the choir...

the 3rd Anthem was Singh's arrangement of the old Latin hymn,"Personent Hodie"...
and speaks of proclaiming the "good news"...
it is a rather plaintive setting...
combining a Medieval sound with contemporary harmonies...

the choir does so well with unison sections in this style...
very smooth & blended, with the open harmonies of the part singing...
such a nice contrast to the smooth unison singing...

then came the 1st congregational hymn,"Comfort Ye, My People"

the 4th Reading speaks of "the child who will be conceived..."
and this year, we sang Natalie Sleeth's lovely, "Baby, What You Goin' to Be?"...
an anthem that asks the question so many have asked over the centuries...
"are you the chosen?... are you the one to save us from our sins?"...

this is a big favorite with both the congregation...
and the singers, who do it very well...

then came the 2nd congregational hymn, "Lo, How a Rose"...

our next anthem was Paul Manz's, "E'en So, Lord Jesus, Quickly Come"...
a more traditional choral selection...
which the choir sings with great sensitivity and heart...
with the singers using a more "trained" vocal placement...
but avoiding the heaviness that many singers approach such selections with...

following the reading of the Annunciation...
we sang a 4 part arrangement of Archadelt's 15th century tune...
with the Ave Maria text...

it is very plainsong-like and even though the music was secular in its' origin...
the 19th century addition of the Ave Maria text to the 15th century music...
is a wonderful match and the choir sings it beautifully...

Reading 7 speaks of the coming birth of the Savior...

this year, as in years past, we used a setting of a James Agee text...
["Knoxville, 1915", the "Sure on this Shining Night" section...]
we have done the haunting Samuel Barber setting in past years...
but last year, and this year also...
we have sung the, absolutely gorgeous setting by Morten Lauridsen...

it has quite a bit of fluid, unison male singing...
and our guys have such a blended, mellow & sweet, yet full, timbre...
very graceful and effortless sounding in their execution...
it's almost as if it was written just for them...
the ladies have some similar passages, which they do very well...
but this one belongs to the guys...
and their artistry puts large smiles on everyone's faces...

then came the final congregational hymn,"Savior of the Nations, Come"...

following the reading of the shepherds going to the manger...
we sang a contemporary arrangement of Holst's setting...
of Christina Rosetti's,"In the Bleak Midwinter"...
where the traditional tune gets some new harmonies...
as well as a dancing keyboard accompaniment...

there are unison sections in this selection also...
and once again, the choir shines in its' blended artistry...

the final reading, "of the great mystery of the incarnation"...
was followed this year, as it was 2 years ago...
by "A Silent, Holy Night"...

the Fetke setting of the traditional "Silent Night" text...
uses a contemporary tune with a lovely flute obbligato...
that is, at times reminiscent of the traditional Grüber tune...
and allows the choir's mastery of the contemporary style...
to be enjoyed by the assembly yet again...

after concluding prayers, we begin our recessional...
singing,"Once in Royal David's City"...

starting with an unaccompanied, treble soloist...
then adding the choir in parts for the 2nd verse...
and finally, as we begin to recess on the 3rd verse...
we add the organ and the congregation...
with a choral descant on the 6th & final verse...

it was a glorious service...

it seems that every year, the choir gets better...
so thanks to Dearest Dragonfly & Fr. Carioca...
who instituted this service several years ago...
and to all the singers...
who put their hearts, talents, efforts and love...
into this service every year...

but especially to the One, who is the reason we sing...

Deo sola gloria...
and so may it ever be...

...an abundance of kitty blessings

I was at DP yesterday...
and considered buying a 16 lb bag of cat food...
the bin was rapidly becoming empty...
and the cold weather makes them hungry...

but it was several dollars more than it is at WW...
and I need to go there for litter soon anyway...
[it's nearly $2 more at DP, $3 at Raleys... each !]
so I followed the little voice that said,"wait"...
I got my 5 flats of Fluff food, a new bone for Molly & left...

all the canned & dry food I've been able to get from the church...
has really helped stretch the pet food budget...

the 6 flats of larger cans that should have only lasted until now...
have almost 4 flats left because of the other cans I've gotten...
and I have enough dry dog food for months...
I don't take the canned dog food... Molly doesn't really need it...
and it's good for them to have for walk-ins...

I find it quite interesting...
that we do get calls for dog food at our food pantry...
but not for cat food... not at all...
and of all the kinds of cat food out there...
that the kinds we get through donations...
are exactly the kinds my kitties need...

so today, as I contemplated my excursion to WW...
for litter, Excedrin and dry cat food...
I was surprised and happy to see new boxes of pet food donations...
sitting on the floor in front of the food pantry shelves...
since they usually come a couple of weeks later...

I don't need any dog food, so I checked-out the cat food...
and there were 2, 8 lb bags of exactly what I needed...
also several smaller bags of other dry food...
including one that I could feed to Fluff...

as well as a number of loose cans of their faves...
and... a 24 pack of their 3 favorite flavors...
the ones I get in the bigger cans...

this was a real blessing !

and the timing was quite appreciated too...

since I had just discovered that my bag of teas,etc...
for the choir, Lessons & Carols Dress rehearsal break...
[this Saturday...]
was NOT where I thought I had left it last year...
so now I need to spend $ on cups, tea, instant coffee, condiments, etc...

but since I now need to spend only about $60 at WW instead of $100...
[no cat or dog food needed & not as much litter as usual...]
I should be able to squeeze my budget and get the choir supplies...
[I have a bunch of teas at home...]

and just about the time that I'll run short of money, close to Christmas...
my first SS retirement benefit payment will arrive...

not a lot... only about half of what I should get...
but enough to keep me going...

God is good... and His timing is perfect...
as is His selection of kitty food...

...trying to let go, again

I've found myself in some strange places...
especially since the financial ruin set in...
but none stranger than this...
because since the 6 phone calls from creditors on Sunday...
there have been none, zero, nada, zip...

which leaves me feeling a bit weary...
of what might be next...

this has been a bumpy path for the last 2 months especially...
with an average of 6 to 8 creditor calls a day...
from 4 or 5 different callers & I don't respond to them at all...
but they have persisted until now...
taking off Thanksgiving, but returning with gusto the next day...

due to several factors, I have become more isolated...
finding myself following harder and more lonely paths...
but this has forced me to see more of God...
leaning more on Him than myself or others...

finding the path I'm following a real test of my faith...
and a totally revamping of my priorities and values...

from time to time, I find myself at what appears to be an impasse...
with no way out, darkness & fear closing in...
and the searing pain of my numerous failures gnawing at my soul...
and then, I turn to Him...

trusting in His protection & guidance...
and the peace comes, wiping out the fear & pain...

a pathway that I had not seen there before...
is there...
no fanfare, or miraculous moments...
just quietly there...

and I continue...

today, I was prompted to remember my battle with cancer...
how safe I felt after I "embraced my fear"...

and the devotional reading for today spoke of embracing the cross...
how we must accept Christ's death as the central focus of our walk...
then we can embrace our own cross, our pain, fear and loneliness...
the same thought appeared in Fr Tb's sermon at midday mass...
in honor of St Andrew, who is depicted as embracing his own cross...

a random thought once...
but appearing 3 times in the space of 3 hours...
that's more like a message...
directly to me...

to embrace the pain of my mistakes in relationships and finances...
to accept the way things are with thankfulness for God's leading...
most assuredly to hope and pray for God's grace to heal the damage...
and to change me from within, into who I should be...

but then, I've thought that I was changing before...
and have been disappointed in myself & my return to bad habits...

only God can heal me and mend the problems that I've caused...
the question is, will I let Him...
can I stay out of the way, shut up & let go of what I want...
and accept what He gives...

joyfully, allowing my entire self to be transformed...

by His grace, I pray that I will...

...against all odds

I've been doing a lot of swimming upstream lately...
so God has been teaching me some new "strokes"...

He's been dealing with my control issues...
and tendencies to get stressed as to "where" & "how"...
all the issues of my existence that I have "entrusted" to Him...
will be resolved or dealt with...

the most daunting is the issue of money...

I realized months ago that the first week of December...
would require an lot of cash...
my 6 month car insurance premium [$440]
my car registration renewal [$149]
and my 1st installment property taxes [$738]
and I had no clue as to where the money would come from...

well, they say that God works in mysterious ways...
and I could have never imagined the scenario that has unfolded...
in order for these needs to be met...
[and it's not even Thanksgiving yet...]

some of this is recap, so bear with me...

last month, I received a new card for a credit card...
that I hadn't used in a long time...
it has a $500 limit, so I activated it...
when I went to the DMV site online...
I discovered that I could use it to renew my registration...
so I did... which solved part of the problem...

encouraged...

I did some reading of my car insurance premium notice...
and discovered that there was a monthly payment plan...
WITHOUT an installment fee of $5 per month...
IF I set-up auto-payments...
so I did that too...

another problem solved...

also in October...

I went for my bi-annual cleaning/check-up at the dentist...
only to discover that their method of billing has changed...
meaning that my long-held, and now paid for by me, dental insurance...
was no longer cost-effective...

it used to cover all check-ups & cleaning completely...
now, only about 50%...

the dentist forgave me the $106 that was now a co-pay...
but it got me thinking that since my next appointment/cleaning...
wasn't until April and I was "paid-up with the insurance until March...
maybe I could cancel and get a refund...

so that's what I did...
[I'm not going to have it anymore either...
saving the $680 payment due in March...]

of course, it takes a month to cancel...
then they send a check, etc., etc., etc...
so I've been waiting & watching the mail...
because it's been really wet...
and lately, the carrier has been putting it on the wet doormat...
instead of in the mailbox, leaving me with a soggy mess...

so yesterday, I was thrilled to find the check...
in the mailbox, nice & dry, in plenty of time...

also in the mailbox was a notice from my homeowners insurance...

I'd been told that they would pull a payment of $64 in November...
[I had set-up auto-pay with them...
to avoid a similar monthly installment fee...]
the surprise was that they would pull the first payment in December...
so that meant that the $64 sitting my checking account...
earmarked for insurance could now go towards the property taxes...

I deposited the insurance refund in the bank on the way to the church...
while I was there, I was given a check for $500...
a refund for my Columbarium niche...

if you're keeping score, I now have $500, $171 & $64 towards the $738...
only $3 short, and it's not even Thanksgiving yet...

I believed that He was going to provide for those big expenses...
over $1300...

I could have never guessed or even figured out how...

God is good, indeed...

...a chill in the air & giving thanks

Charlie in front of a "snuggy" fire...

there's a "freeze watch" for tomorrow night through Turkey Day morning...

in this area, probably won't get much below 29-31˚F...
I don't worry until we dip into the lower 20's...
or stay there for a few days...
then I make sure that the lemon tree is covered...

if it comes close to the teens...
I wrap pipes...

I guess it's time for snuggy fires again...
since the showers expected today and tomorrow...
will make the wind-chill drop...
at least I have firewood inside already...

I remember one Thanksgiving in Chicagoland...
where it was cold with 3 feet of snow on the ground...
Thanksgiving in NorCal is generally sunny...
full of fall color as I'd drive "home"...

it's been 6 years since I had Thanksgiving on the ranch...
4 years since I got to have it with Mom...
family Thanksgivings were rarely pleasant when I was a kid...
after Dad died & it was just Mom and me, things were better...

Mom's turkey dinners were really good...
and I miss them, but not as much as I miss her...

it's been 2 years since I had a turkey dinner...
it's really a lot of trouble to go to for just me...
even though my furry friends always get their share...
and since I've been fighting various allergies, etc...
I don't have much of an appetite this year anyway...

but it's not really about the food...
as much as having people that you care about to share it...
and all your thankfulness for God's blessings, with...
and I seem to be in a different place these days...

a place where I'm very grateful for all the many blessings...
and the changes happening in my life...
as well as the sure knowledge that God has it all in His control...
so I'll be content, and thankful, for where I am this year...

remembering some wonderful holidays past...
thankful for those I shared them with...
grateful for God's love shown to me by others...
and looking ahead for "what's next"...

Happy Thanksgiving everyone !

...fall musings

it really is looking like fall now...

we've had a few nights into the 30's...
along with several periods of rain...
we even had a dense fog advisory this AM...
and there's a chill in the night air...

the lobelia is still happy...
[this bunch self-seeded from last year...]

the tomatoes are soaking-up the last really sunny days...

and the begonias I thought wouldn't make it...
are doing very well, indeed...

the trumpet vine has finally yellowed...
and will loose all its leaves with the next storm...

the southern-facing creeper is bare now...
sporting only red branches with the dark blue berries...
which the birds enjoy...

this branch of creeper is on my porch, so it's protected...
but it's fading fast too...

when I checked my pomegranates...
I discovered that rats had beaten me to most of them...
leaving several hollowed-out shells hanging on the tree...
I did get 4 that they hadn't gotten to yet...
but the score is rats 8, catsinger 4...

the score for apples was worse...

here you see an "apple core corpse"...
there was no sign at all of any of the rest of the 4 apples...
[rats 5, catsinger 0]

they got all of my peaches and cherries this year too...

the winter whites are coming up...
if I move them to the front...
they may bloom...
they generally don't bloom in the shady back yard...

the Christmas cactii are already blooming...
I'll move them in front soon...

the camelia buds are forming...

new wild violets are coming up...

and the last of the summer roses turn to the sun...
while they still can, as do we all...
for the cold and darkness will come very soon...
and we need to soak up as much of the warmth and the light...
as we can, to see us through until spring...

...some light from ahead

I've been traveling up/down a twisting road for several years now...
and there have been both, "ups" & "downs" aplenty...

sometimes the way is shrouded in a mist or dark with danger...
and the fear & stress zap me, big time...
sometimes there is more light, ahead, and I feel more secure...
but always, the end is nowhere in sight...

moments of stress and fear for the outcome...
can turn into calm & peace as I learn to let go and trust Him...
and though the stench of sulphur in the air...
doesn't always dissipate quickly or completely...

the more I trust, the less I smell it...
and the quicker I can deal with expelling it...
regaining the calm center of trust that I need to keep...
to allow God to have His will be done...

I've been concerned lately with some large bills...
[property taxes, car registration renewal, car insurance 6 mo. renewal]
all due in early December, [2nd,8th & 10th]...

I've also been finally "caught up with" by my 2nd mortgage holder...
they sent me a registered letter, which I responded to...
but the next day, they left a letter taped to my front door...
and last night, their representative made a second appearance at my door...

he was an older man, [my age], wearing a tie and was very kind...
he listened as I explained some of my situation...
I told him that I wasn't answering the phone calls...
because I only had a limited number of minutes & couldn't afford large bills...

that I was working with a HUD agency to try & modify my 1st mortgage...
but that it hadn't gone through yet...
and that I had a call into them re the 2nd mortgage holder...
that I had spent ALL my savings paying my bills while looking for work...
work I still haven't found...
that my pension didn't cover both mortgage payments...
and that I had no funds to pay the 2nd mortgage holder...
or the credit card companies...

...all true...

I didn't mention the words, "lawyer" or "bankruptcy"...
both the lawyer AND the HUD people have advised me...
that I should volunteer as little of that kind of information as possible...

so the very nice man, who was sympathetic to my situation...
said that he would inform the 2nd mortgage holder of my situation...

I alluded that when I contacted the HUD agency again...
I would discuss the possibility of trying to modify the 2nd...
but that I had been told to do one thing at a time...
[which is true...]

the lawyer has advised me against modifying the 2nd...
and to put it into the bankruptcy action...
but if the 2nd mortgage holder would significantly reduce the principal...
really lower the interest, thus cutting the payment drastically...
I might consider it, if I could swing it financially...

I'm really just stalling for time...
hoping the modification on the 1st mortgage goes through...
and soon...

the elephant in the room is that the total amount that I'm upside down...
in the 1st & 2nd together...
is equal to the current value of my house...
so including the 2nd in the bankruptcy may be my only choice...

but the timing is critical...

and the path for this part of the journey is still obscured...
as is the timing, out of my hands...
I'm just glad that God is in charge...

along other fronts...

it has been my experience that when God is truly working things out for me...
that things just seem to fall into place... out of the blue...
beyond anything that I could engineer or manipulate...
so I consider the appearance of this very nice & sympathetic man...
from the bank, that I needed to make contact with but had to control information to...
on my doorstep, making non-threatening contact with me...
to be one of those organic works of God...

it has allowed me to release some built-up anxiety that I wasn't aware of...

so this morning, after balancing my checking account...
I felt it was time to look at some of these impending bills...

I had heard back from the Social Security Administration...
the morning after I applied for benefits and will start receiving payments...
on December 22... for a whole $228... not the $540 I was due...

they deducted my CalSTRS pension & arrived at the $228...
I suppose I should be grateful for that...
most of my retired teacher friends get nothing...
but then they get more from CalSTRS as they worked longer...

so I knew that I wouldn't have a timely payment from SS...
to help out with the BIG, early December bills...
the first of which was the 6 month car insurance renewal...
$446 due on December 2, 2010...

I read the back of my car insurance bill...
and learned something useful in the small print...

I could pay on a monthly payment plan...
which I had been avoiding due to the installment fees charged...
without being charged an installment fee...
IF I was enrolled in the auto-pay program...

I have been in the auto-pay program for a while...
but for a 4 month[$112 per/mo] payment plan...
which I would "trump" by paying the full amount...
to avoid any installment fees...
but neither of those plans, suit my situation at this time...
and whereas their website allows me to change my payment method...
it does NOT allow me to change the payment plan...

so after changing my payment method back to my checking account...
[from the credit card that now hates me and has "suspended" my account...]
I called the 800 number, attempted to speak to a computerized menu...
waited through a number of annoying "prompts & ads"...
mostly telling me how I could do everything, "online"...

then finally spoke to a nice young man...
who changed my payment plan to a monthly one[$75per/mo]...

there would be NO installment fee...

then I went back to my online banking & transferred money...
so my payment of $75 on 11/17 would be funded...

having done that, I no longer had enough money left in savings...
to pay the $149 car registration renewal due on Dec.8, 2010...
so I went online to the DMV site...
and found that I could use a credit card to pay the renewal fee...

however, even though I had just gotten a new card from B&N...
with a $500 credit limit and I had owed them zero for a long time...
I had stopped using that card because even though I had credit...
they would often decline it...

but I figured, nothing ventured, nothing gained...
so I entered in the credit card info on the renewal page...
and it was accepted !!!

so now, as opposed to a couple of days ago...

I have taken care of both the car insurance issue...
AND the registration renewal issue...
have made contact with the 2nd mortgage holder...
and found out that the B&N credit card does work !

of course, there are still the property taxes due on 12/10/10...
and the new monthly expenses for the car insurance premium...
and the credit card I used...
but there's also the SS benefit of $228...

and hope for a speedy resolution to the mortgage modification situation...
with the attendant bankruptcy issues...

there seems to be light around the bend...
God is good...

...seek & you shall find

December is rapidly approaching...

for many, the expense of holiday gift-giving or feasting, looms large...
for me, it's the specter of property taxes, car registration renewal...
and the 6 month car insurance premium...

all due within the first 10 days of December...
[not to mention a 55K maintenance on my car...
the cost of which I can't even consider at this point...]

so I've been "hunting"...
for ways to accumulate enough cash to take care of these bills...
[totaling about $1400.00...]
and still have money for cat & dog food...
not to mention, "me" food...

today at the church, I was given more dog & cat food...
a new supply had just come in... both canned & dry cat food...
as well as dry dog food... and it's exactly what they eat...
so since I had just got "Fluff food" & litter...
that problem is solved for a while...

I cancelled my paid-up to March, dental insurance...
the refund will be $170.00...
I'll get a check in a couple of weeks...
it's no longer cost effective...
and the idea to cancel & cash out, "just came to me..."

that will take care of the car registration renewal...

but for the rest, I'll have to "dig deeper"...

I called the guy who worked on my professional musical instruments...
and has sold many of them on consignment since I retired from the symphony...
he may owe me for some bells & will get back to me if he does...
he said he did a while back & I have gotten no check from him since...

I could sell back the columbarum niche I bought at the church...
that was $500... I hope I won't need that anytime soon...

I do have a credit card with no balance...
and a $500 limit which I could use for the insurance premium...
but that's my,"emergency in the middle of the night" card...
[ie, emergency vet, medical co-pays, etc...]

I have applied for Social Security benefits...
I am vested into the system...
and my estimated monthly benefit would be about $500.00...
though retired teachers always get less than what they've earned...
if anything at all...
due to the state teachers retirement system payments...

but mine is low... so perhaps I'll get something useful from the government...

at this point, I'm investigating all possibilities...

I have a jar of change to count & cash in...
also a few old "silver certificates"...
and then there's the ring I wore for many years...
yellow gold with 5 diamonds, [cost $1500]
it's too big now... I might sell it if I can get a decent price for it...

not much else to sell that's worth much...
but I believe that God will provide me with the money I need...

I just have to find it...