...letting it "be"

lately...
I've been gaining much insight into myself & how I should be...

that much "work" needs to be done, within...
if I am to be the servant He has planned for me to be...

I have also been taught just how little control I have...
especially over myself...

I set out to be trusting..believing that "all will be well"...



and it is... until...

material concerns, "seep" in...
as I watch my bank account getting smaller & smaller...

and I find myself here... worrying...



not meaning to "lose faith"...
but becoming susceptible to the whiff of fear...



so I turn back...
and after much prayer, find myself where I need to be...
close to God... trusting Him...



allowing His strength to be perfected in my weakness...

but then, something else happens...

my thoughts are momentarily set on my material problems...



and if I allow myself to dwell on them for even a moment...

I open a proverbial, Pandora's Box...



ultimately letting loose, "you-know-who"...
[I HATE the whiff of sulphur... the stench of fear...]



and must then move back under the "sheltering wings"...
the only place that I'm safe from the enemy...
where I can again,"rest" in His peace & calm...
trusting in His keeping power & love...



however, as I am currently in a growth phase...
while I'm "resting in Him"...
I'm also being changed...
& by submitting to His moulding...
being torn down... then rebuilt... in His plan...
I "hope" to become who He wants me to be...

that my "becoming", which is due to my submission to His will...
rather than any act, plan or effort of my own...
will be successful this time...
unlike all my previous attempts, which have failed...
no matter how good my intentions were or how hard I tried...



I would become discouraged...
and end up hiding, or trying to disguise my faults & failures...



and when that didn't work...
I'd just give up and let everything,"go"...
disintegrating into rack & ruin...
falling farther away from any usefulness to Him...

so I'm determined, this time, to just let it be...
to "rest"...

it is beyond my effort...it is my innermost self that needs to change...

then my worldly condition doesn't matter any more...

I will have all my needs met...



and regardless my condition, I will be useful to Him...
in whatever capacity He chooses...