then you know that I've been going through some major "stuff"...
the way has been obscured...
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and though God has been a beacon, guiding me through...
He has made it clear that "this" must continue...
until I have learned the lesson He wants me to learn...
which seems to be, that "He is enough..."
not only that He will provide all my needs...
and perhaps a few of my heart's desires...
but that I need to feel content with whatever that is...
and stop searching for, "more"...
that my life will be best for me if I accept things as He provides...
I don't need to search out "more"...
material needs, work, relationships...
are all "enough", as He provides...
my constant striving for more has only created strife and longing...
the specter of failure, fear of loneliness & abandonment...
that if I don't take care of myself, no one will...
and that has put me into an emotional & spiritual deficiency position...
the harder I tried, the more I failed...
I "worked" at getting by on "less"...and failed...
of being "loving"... "giving"... a "good friend"...
again, no positive outcomes...just failures...
I hid away from God & everyone, and was miserable...
then, almost 2 years ago, I found a way "out" of my misery...
but as hard as I would try to be a good person...
the failures continued and almost seemed worse than before...
in the last few months, I hit a different kind of bottom...
and as I became closer to Him, grew calmer & more committed to His will...
something has been quietly happening...
the painful, old longings for "belonging" are fading...
the drive to achieve some goal is changing...
mostly there is a calm sense of peace...
and the knowledge that,"all things will be as He wants it..."
and that, is just fine with me...
this morning, as I read Psalm 78:1-39 in the morning office...
I focused on the familiar passage telling how all of God's blessings...
to the exiles from Egypt as they wandered in the desert...
was "never enough"... they kept on craving more & more...
this is not new to me, but today the small voice said...
"I am enough for you..."
and it all quietly slipped into focus...
I've been heading "here" for a while now...
I hope that this is the lesson that He's been waiting for me to learn...
I also know that there will be "more", about "less"...
that I will screw-up & backslide...
but I hope that I will continue this sense of calm & peace...
my life has been full of longings and frustration on my own...
I'm looking forward to being "less", in His sufficiency...
less wasteful, less controlling, less self-centered, less annoying...
more of Him... less of "me"....
after all... there is a LOT more of Him...
God is good... all the time...
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