...upon further review

in a recent post, I mentioned that I had enough money in my account...
to pay my bills through October...

then, the voice began to "encourage" me to investigate further...

so I ended up staying up all Friday night, reading Dave Ramsey...
and going through my finances, in a strange state of calm...
and came to some more comforting conclusions...

if I did only the minimum credit card payments...
re-scheduled my mortgage payment to the once a month amount...
raised the deductible on my homeowners insurance...
bought no clothes, music, entertainment items or "meals out"...
spent less on cat food and almost nothing on my food...

my monthly deficit was suddenly much lower...
and what I have would last twice as long...

now, I know that some of you are wondering...
just why it took me this long to arrive at this point...

I have no answer other than I wasn't there yet...

thinking this way, always terrified me before...
the thought of being alone, old & poor was too depressing to accept...

so what's changed ? I'm not sure...

I seem to have a real peace about all this...
instead of being depressed & falling into despair...
I feel "light" & hopeful...

along with reading the Ramsey book, I've been watching some videos...

the videos are the History Channel's, "7 Deadly Sins"...
and the ones I've recently viewed are "Lust", "Gluttony"...
"Envy", "Greed" & "Sloth"...

they have all provided me with some interesting insight...
especially the view as they reflect my current state...

"Sloth", however, is the surprising one, combining apathy & sadness...

I always thought of Sloth as laziness and was quite astounded to discover...
that all the elements of depression, [melancholia, a mental illness]
were what the early monks referred to as sloth...

as they went on to discuss how depression was so destructive to the soul...
and totally counter to the Christian lifestyle, due to the lack of hope...
I realized that I could NOT allow myself to sink into the depths of fear & self-pity any more...
if I was to be the person God wanted me to be...

at that moment, I realized that my point of view was like one of those puzzle pictures...
you know, the one where you see an old hag or young girl...
depending how you look at it...
that I could chose to be positive, praise God for His grace...
look for things to be thankful for in every situation...
and in choosing that path, I would see the pleasant side of the puzzle...

if I chose to "wallow" in self-pity, fear and pain...
I would only see the un-pleasant side of the puzzle...
and all that He has planned for me would be stopped...
until I learned my lesson & stopped complaining about everything...

like a kaleidoscope with a picture that changed momentarily...
depending on how I "twisted" it...
it was so simple...
it was my choice to be thankful, no matter what was going on around me...
and in choosing to thank God for all the pain, aggravation & fear...
they all dissolved and I was left in simple peace...
no longer earthbound, light as a feather...

free... to embrace all His gifts...

as I worked through the number crunching, I felt peace...
as I saw what had to be done, I felt calm...
as the rosy, fingers of the dawn crept into my bedroom...
I slipped off into a peaceful sleep...

I rested & meditated most of Saturday, feeling quite calm...
on Sunday, at church, a friend I hadn't seen in a while...
asked me how I was doing, so I told her I was looking for work...
she suggested several possibilities where she works...

ironically, she works at the same place I did before the school district...
I did not leave in their good graces and have been "at odds" with them ever since...

several of the situations [library or archival work] are "right up my alley"...
in the next day or so, I'll be following-up leads...
[still waiting for the go-ahead sign at this point...]
but I learned my previous lesson & have already "forgiven" the people involved...
and all the problems from before [they're all gone now, anyway...]

I've come out of this "week-end seminar" very calm...
very sure that that elusive job will come...

when I think back on all the miracles in my life the last couple of years...
the resolutions of problems, the huge miracles of God...
they were all, as they happened, very ordinary...
simple moments blessed by grace...

there were no trumpets, or angels...
no "Hallelujah Chorus"...

just simple, willing obedience...and a positive, hopeful outlook...
and that's the way this will play out too...

T.S Elliot wrote,"...this is the way the world will end, not with a bang, but a whimper" ["Hollow Men"]

I like God's take better, "this is the way your new life begins, not with a bang, but a song of praise & a whisper of hope"...

when I am "right"... the "right job" will come...

and everything else will be "right" as well...

God is good, all the time...