...tilting at the windmills of my mind

e⋅go⋅cen⋅tric
  /ˌigoʊˈsɛntrɪk, ˌɛgoʊ-/ [ee-goh-sen-trik, eg-oh-]

–adjective
1.having or regarding the self or the individual as the center of all things:

2.self-centered: an egocentric person; egocentric demands upon the time and patience of others.



The truth can be an elusive thing, especially if unpleasant...
so being informed that I fit the above definition, was a confusing shock.

I have lived with a very bad self-image/low self-esteem for all my life. This statement is not intended as an excuse, it is merely a fact. I could also list many experiences from my past that have contributed to my bunker mentality, but that would also be making excuses.

Interestingly, when you look for external validation, it is because you consider yourself unworthy of being loved or cared for. You become "self-centered" & selfish. So caught-up in your own pain that you don't see the effect of your negative behavior on others. You become a "pleaser", attempting to control your negative feelings about yourself by manipulating others to "like you", feeling good about yourself only when others give you validation, while you remain totally unaware of your manipulation.
Again, not intended as an excuse, it's just not easy to see what you are doing when you are that self-involved.

I've been looking for work for a while now and every time it seems that I may be in front of the "right door", it remains closed. The message I get is to wait...
that God will open the right door when I'm ready... but that there's a lot of work still to be done, inside of me.

I truly believe that all things happen for a reason...

So the timing of the well-founded "ego-centric" comment...
along with no word on my latest job search...
AND the continuing lesson from God...
that I need to "joyfully" accept ALL that happens as from Him...
and allow nothing to destroy my calm...

all these things combine in a very interesting way to point my attention both further inside and further out of myself at the same time.

A couple of months ago, I was "wallowing" in self-loathing and self-pity.
Allowing myself to "feel bad" was a control mechanism & I'm all about control.

When you think of yourself as a "loser" that NO ONE likes, has NEVER really been liked & has always been treated badly [therefore, will always be alone], you are in an awful place, but there are no surprises. The pain is consistent, so you can get used to it. After all, you are a victim, etc...

This is a downward spiral and I gave in to it, wallowing & becoming more & more depressed, lashing out at anyone who tried to be nice to me.

Then the messages started in earnest...

"depression is a very big sin...it's a denial of God's grace..."
"pride,[narcissism] means that you put yourself before God..."
"your greatest field of endeavor is yourself"...
"once you have conquered yourself...
THEN...and only then, can you receive all My gifts"...

So for the last couple of months, I've been really asking for guidance.
Much more recently, for the "grace" to find the calm place with Him.
Grace to accept everything He sends with a glad heart.
He has let me know when I've failed and pointed out how,
kindly, but firmly. Not letting me waver and keeping me focused.
And it has become easier... to be calm & trusting, no matter what.

All leading up to this point. To be cheerful, calm & trusting. Believing that miracles will happen, no matter how impossible it may seem...
the silence on the job front, as money trickles away and the crisis point looms ahead. and on top of that, the nasty, but fitting ego-centric label, the very last thing that I would want to be.
But as they say, "if the shoe fits..." so I know that facing this truth is part of my continuing on His path for me and it must be done with a calm & the joy of being "in His will".

So how do I deal with my old enemy, my selfish self ?

Then I realized that this step was meant to happen...
now, in this way.
Because if His grace is enough to sustain me, cheerfully accepting the truth and the correction that must come, then this life-long attitude can be changed.
That I can release my need for external validation and rely on Him.

I've also been being made more aware of a need on my part for more self-discipline,
especially in the areas of money management, fitness and housekeeping.

When I allowed myself to visualize "having a school job again", I almost immediately began to mentally add back expenses that I had cut. I see now that those thoughts indicated a lack of changed thinking about money and realized that He wasn't going to give me a good job so that I could continue to be wasteful & reckless with money.
Only a real inner change about money would allow me to find that "right" job for me.
Hopefully, the Financial Peace University course will help. I already got the "self-discipline" message from the first meeting.

I've taken a long look at my lifestyle and am instituting portion control changes in my diet,as well as better nutrition & balance[I'd gotten rather lax...] and am working on setting up a schedule for housekeeping chores and exercise.
I've allowed my physical pain to control me too long so yesterday, I took a bunch of Excedrin and took Molly out around the block, practicing the proper leash grip I just learned. By the time we got her past another dog, she had gotten her muzzle out of the "Haltie" collar, which she often does[I can't make it any tighter]but the part around her neck stays on. Later, I took my camera and went out again, so I walked twice.
Today I'm a bit sore, but feel OK, so we'll go again this evening.

Molly & I have an appointment on August 30 with a dog trainer for an evaluation.
The intention is to enroll in a series of obedience classes, but first, we need to deal with her dog aggression/anxiety issues. I revisited the scene of the accident yesterday for the first time since Dec.27 and was surprised at how anxious I became.
Since the park is generally full of other dogs, sometimes off leash [against the posted city ordinance] we need to find our comfort zone as to "who is in charge", before we spend much time there again. Not being a "dog person", I have a lot to learn.

I feel that some progress has been made.

Whereas I once would have been totally depressed by the current state of my life and relationships, compensating by indulging myself in "shopping" or "eating" or "sleeping all day" or "watching TV 24/7" or "gambling"... anything to feel good...

or worse, would have withdrawn from everything, building walls of pain & anger...

I'm currently calm...at peace...
trusting and waiting[with a positive attitude]...

would I rather be past this place ?
you bet, but "in His grace" is sufficient for me...

God is good, all the time...