...looking into the abyss

I've always loved the mountains...
I can sit and take in the beauty of nature for hours...
I really love the ocean too...
but there is something about the mountains...

the silence...the solid, unmovable majesty of it...
a contrast to the crashing, ever-changing sea...
two examples of God's best handiwork...
inspiring, cleansing of spirit & awesome...



but today... my vista is not really refreshing or inspirational...
as much as it is chilling and ominous...
for as I have come to the edge of the abyss...
and as I peer over the side...



I look down to see only desolation & rubble...
with swirling mists hiding the bottom from view...
perhaps a good thing, but not really reassuring from my point of view...
as I have to go down there...
over the side...and my "rope" is only so long...

with all that mist down there...
I can't see if my rope is long enough...
[I'm pretty sure it isn't...]
and when I run out of rope...

is there a path ?

down through the "valley of the shadow of debt"...
and back out & up the other side...
into the light & peace of financial stability...

like the prodigal son in the Bible story...
I have squandered that which I had...
not on "parties & riotous living"...
just spent too freely and without an eye to being a good steward...

I've earned this "edge of the abyss" experience...

about 25 years ago, when I started to make a good living...
I was always running somewhere...
besides my teaching job, I played and eventually, sang...
every where...all the time...
7 days a week... 16 hours a day...

I was at home only to sleep, change clothes...
change equipment or shower...

I got to "rest" from the day after Christmas...
until New Years Eve [if I had a gig...]
or school resumed [a couple of days later...]

from some time in late November...
I had a rehearsal or performance, every day...
until Christmas Day...
and as the season got closer to Christmas...
sometimes 2 or 3 a day...

and I didn't just get to show up & play or sing...

I contracted/managed the orchestra ...
handled the music, set-up the "pit"...
[stands, chairs, lights, percussion...]
and made sure everyone got there on time...
with music & proper equipment...

it was pure stress...

if somebody didn't show-up...
it was a big problem...
[not easy to replace a part or player, suddenly...]
and regardless the reason...
it was MY fault...

and in the summer...
there was "summer school" to teach...
shows to play, park concerts...etc...
as well as all the "home" cleaning/maintenance...
that was "deferred" during the school year...

so summer was also a sprint...
a mad dash to September...
when the real craziness began again...

and I got used to using money to make "life" easier...

eating out...all the time...
buying whatever I needed to get & perform a gig...

["taking care of my players"...
so they would really try to make the gig...
and not leave me hanging...]

spending money on "entertainment"...
[cable TV & internet, books, CDs, DVDs, etc...]
basically, "buying a life"...
because I had no time to "make one"...

and then... when those days ended...
I had morphed into making "more money" at school...
and was at a time in my life when I wanted nicer things...
which really established my more recent patterns...
but continued the entertainment expenditures...
as I now had time to spend at home, "relaxing"...

buying things I wanted, but didn't need...
shopping at more upscale stores...
not being too careful with money or where it went...
just not paying attention to all the cash...
that was slipping between my ever-grasping fingers...

then I retired...

I had planned to do some part-time work to make ends meet...

after all... I had money invested from my inheritance...
that would double in 7 years...
and I had a sizable TSA tied to the S&P 500...
that was doing well...

I did some consulting for the school district...
and I had my church job...

then the consulting ended...

I couldn't find any other work...
but I didn't think about it...
I had large credit lines...things would work out...

then came the current financial crisis...

the value of my house dropped like a rock...
then one credit card company slashed my credit limit...
followed quickly by every other company...
and suddenly, my TSA, that was losing $ every moment...
had to be ravaged...
[they charged me $12k in taxes & $15k in fees...]
to get badly needed money for...

dental work, $ 1.5k [a crown & rebuilding front teeth...]
car repair/maintenance, $3k [4 tires, battery, major service...]
new glasses, $600.[no insurance...]
property taxes, $1.5k...
health insurance buy-ups, $3k...
var. misc. exp.,$5k...

and the new bathroom [$30k...]
[that was supposed to be put on credit...
until they slashed my limit...]

then, my church job disappeared...
[I'm still doing it, just not getting paid...]

so with very little savings left...

I find myself looking into the abyss...

and that little voice is saying, "wait"...

the last time He told me "wait"...
He had delivered me from the wrong contractor...
and as I waited, trusting Him to provide...
He led me to G, who was truly a God-send...

so now, as I look for work & other remedies...
[with a much more urgent need than before...]

I am currently, "waiting"...

doing my best to be joyfully, anticipating...
another miraculous gift from God...

being fully aware of the fact that I don't deserve anything...

["...those who are not faithful with a little...
will have all they have, taken from them...]

but still hoping in the goodness of God...

and knowing that in whatever place He may allow me to be...
He will give me the grace, "to do all things through Christ..."

so as I wait...

I know that even though I deserve nothing...
God is good...

and so I hope in His bountiful mercy...
claiming His grace to "run the course...
and finish the race..."