...trying to let go, again

I've found myself in some strange places...
especially since the financial ruin set in...
but none stranger than this...
because since the 6 phone calls from creditors on Sunday...
there have been none, zero, nada, zip...

which leaves me feeling a bit weary...
of what might be next...

this has been a bumpy path for the last 2 months especially...
with an average of 6 to 8 creditor calls a day...
from 4 or 5 different callers & I don't respond to them at all...
but they have persisted until now...
taking off Thanksgiving, but returning with gusto the next day...

due to several factors, I have become more isolated...
finding myself following harder and more lonely paths...
but this has forced me to see more of God...
leaning more on Him than myself or others...

finding the path I'm following a real test of my faith...
and a totally revamping of my priorities and values...

from time to time, I find myself at what appears to be an impasse...
with no way out, darkness & fear closing in...
and the searing pain of my numerous failures gnawing at my soul...
and then, I turn to Him...

trusting in His protection & guidance...
and the peace comes, wiping out the fear & pain...

a pathway that I had not seen there before...
is there...
no fanfare, or miraculous moments...
just quietly there...

and I continue...

today, I was prompted to remember my battle with cancer...
how safe I felt after I "embraced my fear"...

and the devotional reading for today spoke of embracing the cross...
how we must accept Christ's death as the central focus of our walk...
then we can embrace our own cross, our pain, fear and loneliness...
the same thought appeared in Fr Tb's sermon at midday mass...
in honor of St Andrew, who is depicted as embracing his own cross...

a random thought once...
but appearing 3 times in the space of 3 hours...
that's more like a message...
directly to me...

to embrace the pain of my mistakes in relationships and finances...
to accept the way things are with thankfulness for God's leading...
most assuredly to hope and pray for God's grace to heal the damage...
and to change me from within, into who I should be...

but then, I've thought that I was changing before...
and have been disappointed in myself & my return to bad habits...

only God can heal me and mend the problems that I've caused...
the question is, will I let Him...
can I stay out of the way, shut up & let go of what I want...
and accept what He gives...

joyfully, allowing my entire self to be transformed...

by His grace, I pray that I will...

...against all odds

I've been doing a lot of swimming upstream lately...
so God has been teaching me some new "strokes"...

He's been dealing with my control issues...
and tendencies to get stressed as to "where" & "how"...
all the issues of my existence that I have "entrusted" to Him...
will be resolved or dealt with...

the most daunting is the issue of money...

I realized months ago that the first week of December...
would require an lot of cash...
my 6 month car insurance premium [$440]
my car registration renewal [$149]
and my 1st installment property taxes [$738]
and I had no clue as to where the money would come from...

well, they say that God works in mysterious ways...
and I could have never imagined the scenario that has unfolded...
in order for these needs to be met...
[and it's not even Thanksgiving yet...]

some of this is recap, so bear with me...

last month, I received a new card for a credit card...
that I hadn't used in a long time...
it has a $500 limit, so I activated it...
when I went to the DMV site online...
I discovered that I could use it to renew my registration...
so I did... which solved part of the problem...

encouraged...

I did some reading of my car insurance premium notice...
and discovered that there was a monthly payment plan...
WITHOUT an installment fee of $5 per month...
IF I set-up auto-payments...
so I did that too...

another problem solved...

also in October...

I went for my bi-annual cleaning/check-up at the dentist...
only to discover that their method of billing has changed...
meaning that my long-held, and now paid for by me, dental insurance...
was no longer cost-effective...

it used to cover all check-ups & cleaning completely...
now, only about 50%...

the dentist forgave me the $106 that was now a co-pay...
but it got me thinking that since my next appointment/cleaning...
wasn't until April and I was "paid-up with the insurance until March...
maybe I could cancel and get a refund...

so that's what I did...
[I'm not going to have it anymore either...
saving the $680 payment due in March...]

of course, it takes a month to cancel...
then they send a check, etc., etc., etc...
so I've been waiting & watching the mail...
because it's been really wet...
and lately, the carrier has been putting it on the wet doormat...
instead of in the mailbox, leaving me with a soggy mess...

so yesterday, I was thrilled to find the check...
in the mailbox, nice & dry, in plenty of time...

also in the mailbox was a notice from my homeowners insurance...

I'd been told that they would pull a payment of $64 in November...
[I had set-up auto-pay with them...
to avoid a similar monthly installment fee...]
the surprise was that they would pull the first payment in December...
so that meant that the $64 sitting my checking account...
earmarked for insurance could now go towards the property taxes...

I deposited the insurance refund in the bank on the way to the church...
while I was there, I was given a check for $500...
a refund for my Columbarium niche...

if you're keeping score, I now have $500, $171 & $64 towards the $738...
only $3 short, and it's not even Thanksgiving yet...

I believed that He was going to provide for those big expenses...
over $1300...

I could have never guessed or even figured out how...

God is good, indeed...

...a chill in the air & giving thanks

Charlie in front of a "snuggy" fire...

there's a "freeze watch" for tomorrow night through Turkey Day morning...

in this area, probably won't get much below 29-31˚F...
I don't worry until we dip into the lower 20's...
or stay there for a few days...
then I make sure that the lemon tree is covered...

if it comes close to the teens...
I wrap pipes...

I guess it's time for snuggy fires again...
since the showers expected today and tomorrow...
will make the wind-chill drop...
at least I have firewood inside already...

I remember one Thanksgiving in Chicagoland...
where it was cold with 3 feet of snow on the ground...
Thanksgiving in NorCal is generally sunny...
full of fall color as I'd drive "home"...

it's been 6 years since I had Thanksgiving on the ranch...
4 years since I got to have it with Mom...
family Thanksgivings were rarely pleasant when I was a kid...
after Dad died & it was just Mom and me, things were better...

Mom's turkey dinners were really good...
and I miss them, but not as much as I miss her...

it's been 2 years since I had a turkey dinner...
it's really a lot of trouble to go to for just me...
even though my furry friends always get their share...
and since I've been fighting various allergies, etc...
I don't have much of an appetite this year anyway...

but it's not really about the food...
as much as having people that you care about to share it...
and all your thankfulness for God's blessings, with...
and I seem to be in a different place these days...

a place where I'm very grateful for all the many blessings...
and the changes happening in my life...
as well as the sure knowledge that God has it all in His control...
so I'll be content, and thankful, for where I am this year...

remembering some wonderful holidays past...
thankful for those I shared them with...
grateful for God's love shown to me by others...
and looking ahead for "what's next"...

Happy Thanksgiving everyone !

...fall musings

it really is looking like fall now...

we've had a few nights into the 30's...
along with several periods of rain...
we even had a dense fog advisory this AM...
and there's a chill in the night air...

the lobelia is still happy...
[this bunch self-seeded from last year...]

the tomatoes are soaking-up the last really sunny days...

and the begonias I thought wouldn't make it...
are doing very well, indeed...

the trumpet vine has finally yellowed...
and will loose all its leaves with the next storm...

the southern-facing creeper is bare now...
sporting only red branches with the dark blue berries...
which the birds enjoy...

this branch of creeper is on my porch, so it's protected...
but it's fading fast too...

when I checked my pomegranates...
I discovered that rats had beaten me to most of them...
leaving several hollowed-out shells hanging on the tree...
I did get 4 that they hadn't gotten to yet...
but the score is rats 8, catsinger 4...

the score for apples was worse...

here you see an "apple core corpse"...
there was no sign at all of any of the rest of the 4 apples...
[rats 5, catsinger 0]

they got all of my peaches and cherries this year too...

the winter whites are coming up...
if I move them to the front...
they may bloom...
they generally don't bloom in the shady back yard...

the Christmas cactii are already blooming...
I'll move them in front soon...

the camelia buds are forming...

new wild violets are coming up...

and the last of the summer roses turn to the sun...
while they still can, as do we all...
for the cold and darkness will come very soon...
and we need to soak up as much of the warmth and the light...
as we can, to see us through until spring...

...some light from ahead

I've been traveling up/down a twisting road for several years now...
and there have been both, "ups" & "downs" aplenty...

sometimes the way is shrouded in a mist or dark with danger...
and the fear & stress zap me, big time...
sometimes there is more light, ahead, and I feel more secure...
but always, the end is nowhere in sight...

moments of stress and fear for the outcome...
can turn into calm & peace as I learn to let go and trust Him...
and though the stench of sulphur in the air...
doesn't always dissipate quickly or completely...

the more I trust, the less I smell it...
and the quicker I can deal with expelling it...
regaining the calm center of trust that I need to keep...
to allow God to have His will be done...

I've been concerned lately with some large bills...
[property taxes, car registration renewal, car insurance 6 mo. renewal]
all due in early December, [2nd,8th & 10th]...

I've also been finally "caught up with" by my 2nd mortgage holder...
they sent me a registered letter, which I responded to...
but the next day, they left a letter taped to my front door...
and last night, their representative made a second appearance at my door...

he was an older man, [my age], wearing a tie and was very kind...
he listened as I explained some of my situation...
I told him that I wasn't answering the phone calls...
because I only had a limited number of minutes & couldn't afford large bills...

that I was working with a HUD agency to try & modify my 1st mortgage...
but that it hadn't gone through yet...
and that I had a call into them re the 2nd mortgage holder...
that I had spent ALL my savings paying my bills while looking for work...
work I still haven't found...
that my pension didn't cover both mortgage payments...
and that I had no funds to pay the 2nd mortgage holder...
or the credit card companies...

...all true...

I didn't mention the words, "lawyer" or "bankruptcy"...
both the lawyer AND the HUD people have advised me...
that I should volunteer as little of that kind of information as possible...

so the very nice man, who was sympathetic to my situation...
said that he would inform the 2nd mortgage holder of my situation...

I alluded that when I contacted the HUD agency again...
I would discuss the possibility of trying to modify the 2nd...
but that I had been told to do one thing at a time...
[which is true...]

the lawyer has advised me against modifying the 2nd...
and to put it into the bankruptcy action...
but if the 2nd mortgage holder would significantly reduce the principal...
really lower the interest, thus cutting the payment drastically...
I might consider it, if I could swing it financially...

I'm really just stalling for time...
hoping the modification on the 1st mortgage goes through...
and soon...

the elephant in the room is that the total amount that I'm upside down...
in the 1st & 2nd together...
is equal to the current value of my house...
so including the 2nd in the bankruptcy may be my only choice...

but the timing is critical...

and the path for this part of the journey is still obscured...
as is the timing, out of my hands...
I'm just glad that God is in charge...

along other fronts...

it has been my experience that when God is truly working things out for me...
that things just seem to fall into place... out of the blue...
beyond anything that I could engineer or manipulate...
so I consider the appearance of this very nice & sympathetic man...
from the bank, that I needed to make contact with but had to control information to...
on my doorstep, making non-threatening contact with me...
to be one of those organic works of God...

it has allowed me to release some built-up anxiety that I wasn't aware of...

so this morning, after balancing my checking account...
I felt it was time to look at some of these impending bills...

I had heard back from the Social Security Administration...
the morning after I applied for benefits and will start receiving payments...
on December 22... for a whole $228... not the $540 I was due...

they deducted my CalSTRS pension & arrived at the $228...
I suppose I should be grateful for that...
most of my retired teacher friends get nothing...
but then they get more from CalSTRS as they worked longer...

so I knew that I wouldn't have a timely payment from SS...
to help out with the BIG, early December bills...
the first of which was the 6 month car insurance renewal...
$446 due on December 2, 2010...

I read the back of my car insurance bill...
and learned something useful in the small print...

I could pay on a monthly payment plan...
which I had been avoiding due to the installment fees charged...
without being charged an installment fee...
IF I was enrolled in the auto-pay program...

I have been in the auto-pay program for a while...
but for a 4 month[$112 per/mo] payment plan...
which I would "trump" by paying the full amount...
to avoid any installment fees...
but neither of those plans, suit my situation at this time...
and whereas their website allows me to change my payment method...
it does NOT allow me to change the payment plan...

so after changing my payment method back to my checking account...
[from the credit card that now hates me and has "suspended" my account...]
I called the 800 number, attempted to speak to a computerized menu...
waited through a number of annoying "prompts & ads"...
mostly telling me how I could do everything, "online"...

then finally spoke to a nice young man...
who changed my payment plan to a monthly one[$75per/mo]...

there would be NO installment fee...

then I went back to my online banking & transferred money...
so my payment of $75 on 11/17 would be funded...

having done that, I no longer had enough money left in savings...
to pay the $149 car registration renewal due on Dec.8, 2010...
so I went online to the DMV site...
and found that I could use a credit card to pay the renewal fee...

however, even though I had just gotten a new card from B&N...
with a $500 credit limit and I had owed them zero for a long time...
I had stopped using that card because even though I had credit...
they would often decline it...

but I figured, nothing ventured, nothing gained...
so I entered in the credit card info on the renewal page...
and it was accepted !!!

so now, as opposed to a couple of days ago...

I have taken care of both the car insurance issue...
AND the registration renewal issue...
have made contact with the 2nd mortgage holder...
and found out that the B&N credit card does work !

of course, there are still the property taxes due on 12/10/10...
and the new monthly expenses for the car insurance premium...
and the credit card I used...
but there's also the SS benefit of $228...

and hope for a speedy resolution to the mortgage modification situation...
with the attendant bankruptcy issues...

there seems to be light around the bend...
God is good...

...seek & you shall find

December is rapidly approaching...

for many, the expense of holiday gift-giving or feasting, looms large...
for me, it's the specter of property taxes, car registration renewal...
and the 6 month car insurance premium...

all due within the first 10 days of December...
[not to mention a 55K maintenance on my car...
the cost of which I can't even consider at this point...]

so I've been "hunting"...
for ways to accumulate enough cash to take care of these bills...
[totaling about $1400.00...]
and still have money for cat & dog food...
not to mention, "me" food...

today at the church, I was given more dog & cat food...
a new supply had just come in... both canned & dry cat food...
as well as dry dog food... and it's exactly what they eat...
so since I had just got "Fluff food" & litter...
that problem is solved for a while...

I cancelled my paid-up to March, dental insurance...
the refund will be $170.00...
I'll get a check in a couple of weeks...
it's no longer cost effective...
and the idea to cancel & cash out, "just came to me..."

that will take care of the car registration renewal...

but for the rest, I'll have to "dig deeper"...

I called the guy who worked on my professional musical instruments...
and has sold many of them on consignment since I retired from the symphony...
he may owe me for some bells & will get back to me if he does...
he said he did a while back & I have gotten no check from him since...

I could sell back the columbarum niche I bought at the church...
that was $500... I hope I won't need that anytime soon...

I do have a credit card with no balance...
and a $500 limit which I could use for the insurance premium...
but that's my,"emergency in the middle of the night" card...
[ie, emergency vet, medical co-pays, etc...]

I have applied for Social Security benefits...
I am vested into the system...
and my estimated monthly benefit would be about $500.00...
though retired teachers always get less than what they've earned...
if anything at all...
due to the state teachers retirement system payments...

but mine is low... so perhaps I'll get something useful from the government...

at this point, I'm investigating all possibilities...

I have a jar of change to count & cash in...
also a few old "silver certificates"...
and then there's the ring I wore for many years...
yellow gold with 5 diamonds, [cost $1500]
it's too big now... I might sell it if I can get a decent price for it...

not much else to sell that's worth much...
but I believe that God will provide me with the money I need...

I just have to find it...

...trees on fire

the bank parking lot across the street is aflame...

the recent cooler temps have lit similar fires all around Mudville...

I love fall...

...grace under pressure

I must be on the right path...
because the enemy is really trying to trip me up...

focusing my attention away from the extreme calm I've been feeling...
letting little annoyances and physical pain, that I have no real control over...
get to me, cause me to lose my temper...
and destroy my sense of peace...

or maybe I'm just being taught to be "calm"...
no matter how I feel or what happens...
and how to find that calm again when it seems to have slipped away...
or has just plain vanished due to my anger or lousy attitude...
by concentrating on trusting in Him & His plans for me...

because, God is Good... all the time...

...another nice surprise

my only tomato plant has produced golf ball size fruit all summer...
[I'm planning to use some in a salad tonight...]
it sits on my front walk, in full sun...
next to the lemon tree...

and as you can see, early November finds it...
apparently on it's "last legs"...
what with the mini heat spell that crisped it...
and the passing "cool" snap & rains that pelted it...

the remaining green fruit has been scarred by wind-blown debris...
and one small fruit has rot on it...
here in the best sun, I may be able to let the rest vine ripen...
unless there's a hard frost...
in which case I may try moving the entire plant, indoors...
quite a different concept for me...
but this variety is intended to be a "counter-top" plant...

I just have to find the right light for it...

the fact that I'm considering moving it inside...
is motivated by not only by my curiosity to see if I can keep it alive...
but by the fact that it seems to want to keep producing fruit...

there are new leaves sprouting...

also blossom buds have re-appeared...
these are closed tightly...

but these have opened...

and every tomato grower knows that it takes warm nights to set fruit...
which are non-existent now, outside...
but could be "simulated" inside...

it's a mystery to me that this blossom seems to have set a fruit...
despite all odds being against its doing so...
so I think that I'll go find a sunny spot in my LR window for it...
and see what happens...

...our tax dollars at work [?]

I have voted by mail for years...

when I taught, it was just simpler...
no obscure garage/polling places to find in the dark...
no rushing to fit voting in between school & rehearsals...
no forgetting, then feeling bad...

so when I got the letter from the SJ County election office in September...
the one detailing how my precinct no longer had enough registered voters...
who actually came to the polling place to vote...
and that consequently, we would all have to vote by mail this year...

it made no difference to me...

when the ballot arrived, I sifted past the usual enclosures...
to get to what I had to actually fill-out...

there was this card, next to the envelope...

which I'd seen many times before...
and had even read a few times...

I turned it over & glanced at the back side...
but as I was about to toss it...
something caught my eye...

a bureaucrat with a sense of humor...
who would have thought it possible...

BTW: I would happily vote for any or all of the above...
before just about any professional politician...

[nota bene] if you aren't old enough to know about Mortimer Snerd...
he was the idiot foil to Charley MacCarthys' wise guy...
they were both "dummies" used by ventriloquist Edgar Bergan...
[Candice's father...] in his 1940's/'50's radio/TV act...

Bullwinkle J. Moose was "pulling rabbits out of his hat..."
to amuse Rocky[Rocket J. Squirrel]...
and confound Boris & Natasha [cartoon spies...]
on the "Rocky & Bullwinkle Show" of my youth...
[that would be the 1950's/early '60's]

if you are not quite as old as dirt [or me...]
you may remember Lily Tomlin's character, "Geraldine"...
the telephone operator with attitude on "Laugh-In" from the '60's...
and her signature,"...one ringy-dingy..."

if you don't know who[or what] Sponge Bob is...
you had to have someone else turn on your computer...
and find this blog...