...the gathering storm

the wind is from the south, a sure sign of an impending storm...
and as I went out to pick up my new glasses this morning...
the sun was still able to burn through the gathering clouds...
but not for long...



by the time I got to the church...
the darkness was settling upon Mudville...
like a murky mantle draped over the city's shoulders...



giving notice of the storm's intentions...
sending birds to roost...
the scudding clouds rushing to their places before "curtain"...



so now, my errands accomplished, I'll be joining the bustle of traffic...
all of whom seem determined to be "home" before the rain begins to fall...

I have a cozy afternoon & evening in front of the fire planned...
some soup & bread for supper... and DVD's for later...
with an early bed time & hopefully, more storm counterpoint while I drift off...

...a cozy night

ever since I was a little kid...
I've liked listening to the rain & wind outside...
especially from my cozy bed...
so last night, I was quite content...

after a hot bowl of soup...
I went to bed early...
to the occasional rattling of my windows...
from a sudden gust of wind & rain...

the thudding of the driving rain outside...
the tolling of my windchimes...
branches scratching at the window panes...
and the whoosh of gusting rain...
were eventually to be eclipsed by the lusty snoring of Piglet on my left...
and the whiffling, half-purrs of Fluff on the right...

very late, as the gusts gained momentum and really slammed into the house...
I would awake with a start, but soon, would drift off again...
soothed by the counterpoint of the storm...
until the next large gust would shake me awake again...

soon, the storm passed...
and this morning saw few clouds with any rain left in them...

this wasn't one that left much debris that I've seen...
no uprooted trees or broken limbs...
no flooding or wind damage...
it was, from what I've seen, "just right"...

storm enough to make me feel cozy...
but not so much so that things were broken...
or that repair crews were out all night...
though I really feel for those who had no cozy refuge from which to enjoy it...

storms at night are my choice over daytime ones...
though I do like sitting by a roaring fire...
watching a snow storm or a heavy rainstorm...
I just don't want to have to be out in it...

"rain" is forecast again for Friday & Saturday...
so I'm hoping for a rainy Friday night...

...and now, for something completely different

it's raining here... again...with more to come...

right now ?

Light Rain
49° F
Feels Like: 45° F
Wind: From SSE at 11mph
High: 50° F
Precip: 80%

Tonight
Rain
Low:49° F
Precip: 100%

Tomorrow
Rain
High:59° F
Precip: 70%


don't get me wrong, we need the rain...
but after it rains, is when my allergies go crazy...
the mold & mildew growing in the wet, fallen leaves...
have a party in my sinus & chest...until things dry out...

and then, after they're gone, the wind blows the pollen around...
irritating my already compromised respiratory system...
and giving me constant sinus headaches...
until the barometric pressure stabilizes again...
and the winds stop their incessant blowing...

anyway, that's been my "spring pattern" for years...
but this year, I'm trying to be less negative...
to worry less about what "might" happen...
after all, this allergy attack has been different...

and negativity just makes me more open to the enemy's attacks...

if I look for all the annoying or burdensome things...
that might happen...
I'll probably consume myself with negativeness...
and totally miss the chance to notice all the positive possibilities...

this "attitude shift" is not an easy state for me to keep myself in...

looking ahead to avoid possible problems is the curse...
of the focused and organized mind...
finding and solving problems before they become roadblocks...
has always been my modus operandi...

this past year, God has been dealing with me regarding fear...
as well as it's manifestations in our lives...
ie anger & frustration, self-centeredness & selfishness...

when we fear, it is the discomfort, pain and loss that we are afraid of...

some basic fears are rational...
we have basic human drives for food, shelter, love & safety...
but we often allow ourselves to go too far...
we replace what we need with what we want...
opening up a whole other box of scenarios...

we don't want to feel nervous, so we push ourselves to be places early...
not a bad thing, unless we become obsessed and allow anger to creep in...
becoming frustrated or angry at anyone or thing that gets in our way...
sort of like the guy who blew past me on the street today...
he was still sitting at the stop light when I got there...
and turned right on red onto a one-way street...

I'm sure he was stewing inside... I used to when someone was in my way...

more and more, I find myself aware of what I'm doing...
the moment after I get angry & explode...
sometimes, I even catch myself before I yell...
and it's the same with the "glass half empty" attitudes too...

God has let me know that my negative attitudes & behaviors...
are NOT what He wants me to do or have...
and as I try to find that quiet center...
even in moments of anger or frustration...
it is becoming easier to stay positive...
even when all evidence points to bad or annoying things happening...

I think what I'm beginning to "get"...
is that I have a choice...
I can fuss & stew, get frustrated & angry at situations...
micromanage everything & be eaten up by my own negativity...
or I can give the emotional baggage to Him...
not worry myself unnecessarily with it...
let Him take care of it & give me the grace...
to deal with however much really comes my way...

now, the hard part... staying aware of these ideas...
and putting them into practice...

I am learning that being thankful for all God's blessings...
can really help refocus my attitudes...
so I'm working on that too...

today, I'm down at the church, working on the music for Holy Week...
as well as doing what I need to get done online [bills, etc]
I haven't been here since Feb. 13 due to the massive allergy attack...
and there's a lot to catch up on...

since I was sick, I made it to 3 church services and once to the store...
I even got a sink full of dishes washed...
I pretty much coughed my way through the Bible study today...
but I am feeling better...[& still, NO infection ! amazing...]

so when the weather dries out & I can get "around to it"...



the wilderness tundra that is my front yard is calling my name...
as are piles of leaves, other yardwork, as well as housework...

I'll just consider it all an aerobic workout...

...update, "stupid allergies"

it's now been a week of coughing...
wheezing, sneezing, etc...
I've managed to avoid an upper respiratory infection somehow...
(thank you, Jesus...)
by a lot of rest, OJ, tea, Zyrtek,
Zyrtek D...
DM cough medicine, cough drops, hot steamy showers...
hot soup, sinus lavage & a LOT of tissues...

of course, there were 2 church services for the choir...
one, I cantored, plus a rehearsal, "after"...
and I had to be "awake" from "9 to 5" on Sat...
since the USPS, "said" that a package I HAD to sign for...
would be delivered then...

it wasn't... & being that today is President's Day...
it probably won't come today...
since I have to go do choir stuff at the church tomorrow...
I may just go get it...
or I'll get another pink love note...
(I don't know what this is... I haven't bought anything that should need a signature...)

so today, I'm still resting...

I'm feeling better...
& hope to be past all this soon...

...stupid allergies

it was sunny on Sunday, so I released the Piglet...
I also not only left that window open, but opened another...
then laid down to take a nap...

I woke up coughing...

just a tickle, but in my chest...
my nose wasn't really running...
but enough had been inhaled as I napped...
to give me a "rattle", which grew into a wheeze...
and by Monday, crackled & popped like something really nasty...

I went to the store for some DM cough medicine...
since I was coughing all the time...
it helped, but last night I resorted to the "big guns"...

my inhaler, unneeded for the past couple of years...
& it ,(albuterol), has helped...

so today, I'm still on the Zyrtek...
the regular, 'cause I'm not stuffed-up yet...
though my ears are plugged-up...
the inhaler, hot liquids, rest & the DM cough meds if I need it...
so far, there's NO indication of any infection...
no fever, sore throat or stuffy nose...
so I'm resting & treating it like the allergy attack it seems to be...

tomorrow is Ash Weds. & besides the service with the choir...
I'm supposed to stop by Trumpetman's house for a bass recorder lesson...
so I need to NOT be coughing & wheezing at that time...

oops, time for more tea & OJ...

...no shadow on Groundhog Day means...

that spring is right around the corner...

of course, you wouldn't expect to see these as harbingers of spring...



there are a total of 4 which were diseased & replaced...
by the church around Christmas...
I "rescued" these which are flourishing here...



in the house, the money tree's new growth continues to bode well for 2010...



last summer's grapefruit seedlings on a sunny kitchen window ledge...
have been joined by...



the seedlings that came from the seeds in the oranges...
that MrGT gave me in December...
and yes, 2 appear to be albinos...
they are bigger today and still white...



on the porch, my large, old jade plant [it was Mom's]
has been blooming since December...



and is covered with buds about to burst forth...



this is my trumpet jade, which got singed by the frost...
but is working on a comeback...



this volunteer lobelia, Crystal Palace, has also been around a while...



but the area that should be a sea of daffodils, rannucculas & iris...
has only one lone bloom...

most of my trees are ready to bloom any day now...
all the early Bradford pears & red leaf plums are out...
but I'm in no hurry...
I've seen too many trees bloom early...
only to have late frosts or hail, decimate them...

now I just have to find the energy to do all this work...

...a frenetic, but fruitful, Friday

it was a bright, sunny day in Mudville...
fluffy clouds, tinged with gray...
tumbled across the bright blue skies...
but I had a LOT to do...



I used to look forward to having not 1, but 2...[!]
3 day weekends, in successive weeks, in February, when I taught...

sometimes, we had a 4 day week end...which never seemed as good...

no, I really looked forward to having 2, 3-day weekends in a row...

[I know, it's like brown eggs, same difference...
we already knew that I'm a bit, uh... different...
so just get over it...]

but, I digress...

my first chore was to capture the Piglet...
endure endless abusive language from her...
and take her to the vet for her rabies shot...
and the more urgent, "depo" shot...

she had started being clingy & acting like eating,"hurt"...
always a signal that the lesions in her mouth had returned...
and her last depo [steroid]shot, which reduces the swelling...
and helps the lesions heal so she can eat & be pain free...
had been in August, so it was clearly, time for another shot...

the real trick would be catching Lacy...
who also gets the lesions & had her last shot in September...
she was elusive, drooling and very guarded about her mouth...
a sure sign of her tongue lesions reappearing...

I had treated her for an upper resp. infection in December...
using the last of my amoxicillin stash...
and activating the "mom avoidance"circuitry in her feline brain...
so she had become very stealthy, almost invisible...

I left the bathroom door open, sink water turned on...
and guess who I trapped trying to slink out ?

you got it, so I had my 2 "victims", and was on my way...



I hadn't been there for a while, so we visited a bit...
the girls got their shots, an exam [all seemed well...]
and I got to refill my stash...



after depositing a couple of really annoyed kitties back at home...
[Piglet got her revenge this AM by gashing me when I was half awake...]
I drove over to have the battery in my watch replaced...
she said that she could probably mend my favorite Celtic knot ring...
that the emergency room doctors had to cut off...
of my dislocated finger last year...

then I went over to check out the garden section of OSH...
because I was really tired of looking at this...



my annual containers full of dead summer plantings...

at OSH, I found 6 packs on sale...



and after cruising the entire bedding plant area...
found the Johnny jump-ups I wanted...



I got 6 of the 6 packs, getting the healthiest I could find...
and took them home...

I also found some nice oregano, dill & a 6 pack of variegated Swiss chard...

on my way home, I stopped at DP for cat food...

the dry food was on sale [$2 off each 16 lb bag]
I got 4...[this used to be the same price for 20 lb bags...]
but this premium stuff is better for them...
and there are no other issues with my usual brand...

since they had the flavors I buy of canned food in stock...
I got 4 cases of the little cans & 4 of the 13's too...
got them loaded into the car, came home...
and sweated for 20 minutes carrying & storing cat food...

then, it was "play time"...



a total of 5 containers got replanted with Johnny jump-ups...
the oregano, dill & Swiss chard went in containers in the back...

while I was in the back, I picked 2 blood oranges & 1 lime...



meanwhile, the Meyer lemon tree needs picking...



the front porch needs cleaning...
the roses need pruning & feeding...
the leaves need raking & bagging [that'll stir up some allergies...]
and the front yard, [aka the wilderness tundra...] needs mowing...

*sigh*

which is probably why I spent today[Saturday]...
writing blog posts...

...the eyes have it

when I was in my early 30's, I was diagnosed with keratoconus...
a condition of the eye where the cornea becomes misshapen...
and irregular, causing loss of, or distorted, vision...

as a disease, it is generally bilateral[occurs in both eyes...]
and asymmetrical,[worse in one eye than the other... ]



mine is in my left eye and is not nearly as pronounced as this picture...

since it has been in remission for years...
& has never appeared in my right eye at all...
mine probably was the result of the prolonged wearing of hard contacts...
and the subsequent, hard, eye rubbing, resulting in scarring...
[it felt SO good at the time...]

this is what most people with keratoconus see with the affected eye[s]...



due to the thickness of the scarring, my left eye...
even with correction, can barely make out the E...
at the top of the eye chart...
so for me, it's much more like trying to see...
through, dirty, scarred, thick, but slightly opaque, plastic...

and driving at night?



let's just say that everything flares & sparkles...

pretty... but it can be scary too...
if it's raining or if I'm having,"sinus issues"...

I was fitted with a special rigid, gas-permeable, bi-toric contact lens...
which flattens the cornea & corrects my vision enough...
so that I can pass the DMV eye test...



as you can see, it fits over the entire eye...



the toric lens[the rigid, gas-permeable center] flattens the irregular cornea...
the soft edge holds the center toric lens in place...
this is necessary when scarring has caused a steeper corneal irregularity...
otherwise, the lens would pop out when ever I blinked...

once I needed bifocals, my correction issues resulted...
in me having to use "reading glasses", as well as the contacts...
and when I lost my thumb, it was almost impossible...
to deal with contact insertion, handling & removal...
so I went to glasses, full time at that point...

since my eye doctor was an OD, not an opthomologist...
[my opthomologist sent to him 30 years ago...
because he was a specialist in treating keratoconus...]
my vision insurance providers would not pay for my exams...
so I declined the vision care insurance...
and now, have none...

so due to my financial constraints, I'd waited 18 months...
and finally on Thursday, "bit the bullet", and went...

of course I need a new prescription...
but with my issues, I can't just take my prescription to the mall store...

my OD, due I'm sure, to my long tenure with him...
gives me a discount of $30 off the eye exam...
but I needed to buy some new frames...
[danger, Catsinger... $$$]
my current ones were $240...
and everything on display in front of me, was more than that...
so I asked for "simple & cheap"...

after looking at several pair that had the wrong shaped lens...
I found one with deeper lenses that fit like a glove...
set perfectly on the lumpy bridge of my nose...
and were listed at $129...[I think they're goldish brown...]

[have I mentioned that my left eye sees things very close to it...?
so if the bottom of the lens is too high...
it's a dark line in my field of vision...
worse than the floaters I now have in both eyes...]

and when I checked out my receipt...
they had been reduced also, to $98.40...
that's less than any pair I'd looked at...

my blended bifocal lenses are not cheap...
and having them made of polycarbonate with a 1.0 center thickness...
AND applying the anti-glare coating I must have...
make them very expensive, but quite lightweight...

then I realized that the cheaper frames...
would have NOT have worked with cheap lenses...
which would be much heavier & thicker...
and pull the lightweight frames out of the optimum position...
for my best vision correction [I have a LOT of prisms in my lenses...]

[yep, "coke bottle lenses" if glass...]

I paid $541.40 for these glasses...
it could have been much worse...

I'm hoping that the new prescription helps me...
[the choir will like that I am, once again,
singing the same text that they do...
instead of some alien text, only my blurry vision has seen...]

I've often found that my eyes will change...
if I have an exam when I have sinus issues...
the pressure from the headaches causes a false correction...
then they revert when the sinus pressure goes away...

but some of the headaches may be from the blurry vision...

so we'll see...

I'm thankful that I had the money to go & for the discounts...
that the exam was good, no glaucoma or other problems...
my left eye even passed the field of vision test !
[not always the case...]
so hopefully, these glasses will work for a while...

after I get them ...
in a couple of weeks...

postscript:
I hesitate to write this, but since the exam...
where he shined a very bright light into my eyes...
my left eye has seemed, different...

better, actually...

almost as if there were new apertures in the scarring...
or maybe it was the dilation drops wearing off...
because it was pronounced when I got home...
and is not so noticeable now...

or maybe I'm getting used to it...

hmmmmmmm.....

...reflections on,"WOW...just, wow!"

as I move on past the miracle of God's last minute provision...
the perfect timing of it all and the quiet way it came about...
leave me filled with awe at the power of God...

I hadn't, for a moment, imagined that these funds could be available to me...
I hadn't ever explored even the possibility...
so when they were offered, it was so obvious that it was God's doing...
and not something that I had somehow arranged or even considered...

and the timing...

it's not a usual thing for just the person I needed to speak with...
to arrange access to the funds, to be "around" the day after they were released...
and when he offered to cut a check that would tide me over...
funds were moved, the check was written & signed and deposited into my account...
where it would need a few days to "clear", before being, available...

less than a week after I made that deposit, a day or 2 after it cleared...
my retirement check arrived in my account, but only half of the regular amount...
they had taken 2 months premium for my health coverage out...
just as I suspected that they would do...

and even thought the district "share" was there...
I would have defaulted on my mortgage...
besides having NO money to pay bills, utilities, etc...

I'd like to point out that I haven't seen the man...
who took care of my check in such a timely manner since...

I went from a state of spending a great deal of mental energy...
telling God that I trusted Him, completely...
& chasing away the fear that the enemy was bombarding me with...

it was one of those moments when taking a step forward...
will change everything... completely... forever...

it was a bit like the moment, 10 years ago...
that my oncologist told me that all tests on the lymph gland they removed...
were negative... the cancer had NOT metastasized...they got it all...
and that I had a 99.997% chance of a full recovery, not just a remission...

I get an upset stomach & headache just trying to imagine...
how awful it would be to lose everything...

but this path is calm & peaceful...

it has occurred to me that I haven't "found" a job...
because God has "other" plans for me...
that He wants me to spend His time...
[time that He gave me when He cured my cancer]
doing His work...

I know that all the "maybe" jobs seem to have drifted away...

I also know that any paying job I get will have His fingerprints all over it...

the funds that I have access to now, with careful stewardship...
should last for at least 15-16 months...
hopefully, the economy will have an upturn...
& work will become easier to find before then...

but for now, I'm just trying to get my brain around all this...

and also rest...

all during my cancer diagnosis & leading up to the surgery...
I was very calm & felt that God was protecting me...
remembering that time made it easier to deal with this crisis...
but just like it was, after the cancer verdict was revealed...
I find myself calm, but exhausted...just wanting to sleep...

then, it was exacerbated by my reaction to the anesthesia...
now, it's the allergies & my reaction to them...

but my reaction to the goodness of God ?

it continues to be, "WOW...just, wow !"

...AAAH CHOO !

I might have known that all the moisture from the rains[mold & mildew...]
coupled with the winds and milder weather would bring an early spring...
or as I've come to view it, "a pain in my head"...
'cause I've had sinus headaches constantly for almost 2 weeks now...

accompanied every once in a while, when it's windy, by this...



some earth shattering fits...



and some that are less, uhh, "resounding" &, uhhh, damp...



but all making me wish that I had stock in the tissue companies...

it's so unfair... there's NO pollen yet...
but here I am, sneezing my head off...
and not even pretty flowers or budding plants to at least make it "worth it"...



and the sinus headaches... ARGH...

but I have to be careful...



'cause if I take too much pain or allergy meds now...
they'll no longer be effective when spring really comes...
[in all her itchy, dripping fury, uh, glory...]



leaving me with the "mother of all sinus headaches"...



and no other choice but to go, "herbal"...

[I'm allergic to pot...
I wonder how well catnip would work on me ?]

...hmmmm

I taught jr high for over 20 years...
& have lived on this planet for over 60...

but I still don't get what prompts someone...
to leave "inappropriate" comments on a stranger's blog...
[my PDA translated it...]

I guess some people are just...

...milestones

on February 11, 2000, I was diagnosed with...
a malignant melanoma in the nail bed of my right thumb...



this is a left big toe, but my right thumb looked very much like this...
that is, until the biopsy, then it turned really ugly...
I found some pictures that look just like it did...
but nobody would want to see them...[TMI...]

I thought that a series of injuries in the early fall of 1998...
which left half of my thumb nail discolored, but intact...
had eventually led to a nail fungus taking hold...
and was quite shocked when the dermatologist wanted...
to do an immediate biopsy...

and totally stunned when a week later...
they told me that I had a cancer under my thumb nail...
[mind you, my chances of winning the lottery were better...
that's just how rare it is to find a melanoma in a fingernail bed...]

on March 28, 2000, a surgeon in SF amputated the top joint of my right thumb...
he also removed a lymph gland from my right armpit...
which they tested to see if the cancer had spread...
it hadn't and after 4 years of monitoring & tests...
the specialist told me that it was probably due...
to the injury that hadn't healed properly...
and that if I remained cancer-free for 10 years after the surgery...
I would probably be OK... that I would have beaten it...



here's my right hand today... almost 10 years later...

I've adjusted pretty well...[being ambidextrous helps...]
unless I point out my lack of a right thumb...
most people don't notice it...

ironically, the DMV has my right thumb print on file...
and though I've brought it to their attention...
they don't seem to care...

as a public school teacher, my "current" 9.5 fingerprints...
are on file with the state, so I'm probably OK there...

last year, on February 2, the orthopedic surgeon scheduled my surgery...



the double dislocation injury was very similar to this picture...
and was treated pretty much as described in this diagram...



here's my finger on March 5, 2009, just before the pin was removed...
[the stitches had been removed 2 weeks earlier...]



here you see my hand in mid May after weeks of healing & PT...

so now, as I look back over the past 10 years of being a "cancer survivor"...
[and an "amputee"...]
and just the past year as my surgically repaired finger continues to heal...
but I battle range of motion issues, stiffness & some pain...

it gives me "pause"...

the cancer battle caused me to reassess my priorities...
resulting in my early retirement from the school district...
the dislocation and it's subsequent loss of strength & fitness...
has made me realize that I just can't do everything I want to anymore...

it's almost as if God went to great lengths to...
"take my life, out of my own hands..."

makes you think, doesn't it ?

...wow, update

just looked at my checking account balance...

my retirement check was less than half of what it should have been...

meaning...?

my health insurance premium, which was NOT taken out last month...
was taken out double to make up for the "oversight"...

meaning...?

if God hadn't provided the safety net He did... when He did...
[by giving me access to funds I thought were unavailable...]
I would have had NO money to pay my mortgage...
[or anything else...]

the school district's payment of their part was where it was supposed to be too...
[they will pay a minimum premium for my medical insurance until I reach 65...]

I think the relief of this safety net appearing as it did...
has left me very grateful, but also quite drained...
so I'm currently working to regain my energy, conquer allergies...
and get myself going as far as fitness & clutter busting goes...

so if my blogging gets a bit sparse, bear with me...
I'm just resting...

with a grateful smile on my face...

...no shadows here

February 2, aka "Candlemass"[the Presentation of Jesus in the Temple]

in Scotland, the saying is, "...if a groundhog sees his shadow on Candlemass...
there will be 2 more winters before spring..."



in Punxsutawney, PA, "Phil" sees his shadow 90% of the time on Feb.2...
sending him back into hibernation for 6 more weeks of winter...

here, in Mudville, CA, this Feb. 2, it was rather cloudy with no sun at all...
except for a brief bit around 1 PM, but it didn't cast many shadows...
and we're now "socked-in" again, with rain supposedly on the way again...

this means, if you trust "folklore", that we'll have an early spring this year...

as long as we keep getting snow in the mountains & rain showers at night...
it's all "good" by me...