...learning to listen

"The Whisper"

The man whispered,
"God, speak to me";
and a meadowlark sang,
but the man did not hear.

So the man yelled,
"God, speak to me !"
and the thunder rolled across the sky,
but the man did not listen.

The man looked around and said,
"God, let me see you";
and a star shined brightly,
but the man did not see.

And the man shouted,
"God, show me a miracle";
and a life was born,
but the man did not notice.

So the man cried out in despair,
"Touch me, God and let me know that you are there";
whereupon, God reached down & touched the man,
but the man brushed the butterfly away,
and walked on.

[author unknown]

[Vielen Dank to Lil'Sis for leaving me this poem in a comment...]

my current directions from God...
all seem to be pointing towards the conquering of "self"...

this not new, but seems to have gained a particular intensity...
over the past several months...
and is now in nearly every message I get...

I have never wanted to be oblivious to my effect on people...

but a combination of social awkwardness & trying too hard...
combined with a natural snarky-ness, tunnel vision & stubbornness...
have only served to exacerbate my narcissistic tendencies...
leaving me right where I never wanted to be...

the conductor of a professional choral group I sang with...
always told us, about the act of performing music...
"Don't enjoy it while you're doing it...
keep your concentration on what you are doing...
when it's over, you can relive it in your mind...
and then, you can indulge yourself in the enjoyment of it...
If you try to enjoy it during the performance, you'll make mistakes...
and then, no one will enjoy it..."

that advice has always worked for me with music...

I'm beginning to think that it may also apply to certain aspects of life too...

it's a lot like the point of the poem Lil'Sis shared...

I get so caught up in my situation & feelings...
that I can't see, hear, know or feel the answers that are there...

I want everything on my terms...
and when I get it, I don't "get it"...
because I'm not looking or listening for the answer...
just wanting... being focused on how I feel...
and I lose touch with the whole point of the situation...

this conundrum confuses no one, more than me...

but I'm at a point in my life where I'm tired of myself...

the misunderstandings, the self-centeredness...
and all the resulting ennui and estrangements...

I know that my best path is His...
so I have to learn how to hear & see...
and then, how to obey if I want to be led by Him...

and if I learn how to hear Him properly...
perhaps I'll also be able to hear those He sends too...



it strikes me as more than just a little ironic...
[God does have a sense of humor, doesn't He ?]
that all this is happening now, in the "autumn" of my life...
[at least, I hope it's just the autumn and not the winter quite yet...]

all the foliage that has had to have some cold nights...
in order to turn it's brightest & most intense colors...
reminds me that autumn is the culmination of the year's growth...
the harvest home, the bounty stored for the cold winter ahead...

all my failures have made me very sure...
that I want to hear, listen, see, notice & feel God speaking to me...

I don't want to miss His wisdom, instructions or grace...

so I have to avoid getting caught up in "self"...
what I want... feeling good... ignoring others...

He has sent "butterflies"..."thunderbolts"... "shining stars"...
"meadowlarks"... and the miracle of a "new life"...

sometimes in the persons of kind hearts who dared be sent as "meadowlarks"...
"shining stars", "butterflies" & even "thunderbolts"...
sometimes I "heard"... sometimes [too often] I didn't...
[hindsight is great... understanding it when it happens, better...]

very recently, God has had 3 main themes He's been addressing with me...

the first & foremost... He will provide ALL my needs...
I must not fear or panic, there is "plenty"...
let each day take care of itself...

secondly... I must forget the failures of the past...
there are lessons that I must take from them...
but I can't dwell on them or I can't move on...
so I must "forgive & forget"...
which is hard for me, considering some of the damage I've done...

thirdly... I must bring "self" under control...
not just the uncontrolled spending of money to please my wants...
[which has pretty much run it's course 'cause I'm broke...]
or the use of food & "stuff" to deal with emotional issues...
but the taming of my temper & my tendencies to be morose...

finding a way to always be calm, peaceful & serene...
amidst the chaos and strife I'm often surrounded by...
finding the discipline to exercise so that I don't become crippled with arthritis...
while paying more attention to my health and diet...
keeping my house, animals & other possessions in good shape...

I've turned over "new leaves" before...

been "forgiven" before...

and pretty much messed things up again...

*sigh*

so realizing that "talk is cheap"...
"actions speak louder than words"...
and that I have no right to ask anyone, "to give me another chance"...

I can only say that I am a work in progress...

that I hope to die to self...

that I trust God to finish what He started in me...
despite my interference & self-centeredness...

and that I look forward to that day...
when all the love, trust, effort & pain...
that some of you "butterflies", "meadowlarks", "shining stars"...
and yes, especially you "thunderbolts"...
have invested in me, will have its harvest...

that God will have successfully used all of you...
to help make me the person He wants me to be...

for that, I'm profoundly grateful...
and will do my best to be, "a quick study"...



God is good, all the time...

..."will catalog for catfood"

the storm which barely brushed us, has left us with a mighty sky...

sort of like my life lately...

the "little blessings" continue in the midst of gathering threat...

my PGE bill for Dec is $63...
[and I thought that the $86 from November was good !...]

I spent most of yesterday quietly...

I went to the Thanksgiving Mass...
thus having my feast of thanks...
then spent the remains of the day in quiet thought...
and re-watching, "Of Gods & Generals" & "Gettysburg" on DVD...
[about 7 hours altogether...]

if you have not seen these films[made for TV]...
they use "re-enactors" with accurate period clothing...
as well as being accurate in all other equipment & grooming...
period music, speech patterns, behavior & attitudes...

all the battle sequences for Gettysburg were filmed where they happened...

watching Civil War movies may seem NOT to fit with "quiet contemplation"...
but these are different, because amidst the carnage & horror of war...
the particular personages of Stonewall Jackson & Robert E. Lee...
are very Spirit-filled men, with a vital faith in God that I find inspiring...

in every moment of decision or stress, these men turned to God...
for strength & guidance, gaining a great peace amidst chaos...
this was not just a script, these behaviors and attitudes are well documented...
in personal correspondence and journals left by these men...

there they were, surrounded by horrible calamity, destruction & death...
responsible for sending thousands of men to their awful deaths...
still able to trust God with their entire lives...
often saying, "Thy will be done..."

not an untimely lesson for me...

I know that I do NOT wish to be anywhere...
other than where He wants me to be, even if it's painful...
or to be anyone, other than who He wants me to be...
even if it is a lonely road full of hard lessons...

I know that any deviations that I make...
make His will for me more difficult...
and if I really go astray, impossible...
so I want to stay on His path...

of course, the problem comes when I'm not sure where that path is...

it's been made clear to me by God...
that I need to hear His instructions...
and carry them out without delay or question...
because when I wait too long or try to rationalize...
they are no longer His instructions...

I fear, "fear"... being "helpless"... alone...

so I've also always been an,"attention junkie"...
notably from someone I like or admire...
and have found myself, enjoying the attention I got if injured or sick...
especially if I got comfort or attention no other way...

ironically, although I have always been comfortable, "on stage"...
I do not seek the spotlight and am embarrassed when receiving recognition...
but yet will desire attention when in any sort of distress...
a strange dichotomy for a narcissist...

not to be misconstrued as an excuse...
but these behaviors & feelings may also come from fear...
fear of being unloved, unwanted or unappreciated...

fear of failure to be "good enough"...

for me, those I care about or God...

so to combat those fears, I often try to "do something"...
because action gives me a release...
and I think, "at least, I did something", "I tried..."

but God doesn't want me to "try"...
"trying" is me doing it my way...

He wants me to wait for Him to tell me what to do, then to do that...
which leads into my need for more prayer, quiet contemplation & reflection...

if He doesn't give me instructions...
then He doesn't want me to act yet...
I have to learn to wait for His instructions, then act, when & as He directs me to do...

and in the meantime... wait...
resting on His promise to provide all my needs...
and protect me from the enemy...
calmly, joyfully, gratefully... wait...

so last night, I was asking for directions re where to look for work...
and that quiet voice said, "You should contact that family...
whose mother's service you sang for recently...
they might want a catalog made of her art work"...

then I saw myself composing the letter...
asking if they were interested in such a project...

so then I said, "Lord, if this is what you want me to do...
then let me think no more on it now, sleep well...
and think of it first thing in the morning..."

guess what happened ?

exactly that... precisely that way...

so as I write this, the letter, proposing this idea...
is laying next to my laptop, stamped and ready to mail...
along with a check for the 1st months payment on my car insurance...

I really wanted to just pay the whole thing and be done with it...
but He had other ideas, in the interest of proper asset management...
so I'm doing it His way, trusting that the money will be there...
when it's needed to pay the next installment...



so even though it's pretty gloomy outside right now...



I can see breaks in the clouds...patches of blue skies...



and I continue to hope in the goodness of God...
because He is... and all the time...

...the letter has arrived

I got the, "we have chosen another applicant" letter...
from VOPU Library on Tuesday evening when I got home...
I didn't want to drop the news before Thanksgiving...
so I figured, "why not Black Friday ?"...

a friend, who works there, told me...
that she had heard about the new hire a few days ago...
and had recently met "him"...
she also said that she thought...
that they would have been "better off" with me...
[which was very kind... but I can see why they would chose a man...
for a late-night manager over an older woman...]

I find it rather ironic that I was so SURE...
that the school district would take a younger man...
over me for a high school band job...
that I was astonished to discover that I was their first choice...
but since I couldn't do "full time", I didn't get that job...

perhaps this is God's way of telling me...
that I can't figure this out for myself...
so I just have to trust Him...
because none of the "rules" apply anymore...
and only He can cause the completely improbable to happen...

that I actually get a job I'm suited for...
so I can pay my living expenses & pay-off my debts...

strangely, I'm actually very calm with all this...

I haven't awoke in a cold sweaty panic yet...
no tension or stress headaches, though my sinuses are being obnoxious...

perhaps I've learned that none of that helps anything, anyway...

the "word" I get from God is that HE WILL PROVIDE...
I am to be joyful, wait & trust in Him...
attack every finger of fear with praise and trust...
dismiss the enemy sternly and rejoice in His keeping...

and wait for instructions...

while waiting, a few more "little blessings" were discovered...

I called my former health care insurance holding company...
and requested that my unused balance be refunded...
[it should be about $700...]
I discovered that I had an "available balance"...
of over $800 on a credit card...
and after checking, discovered that I could use it to pay...
the first installment of my property taxes[$706, due 12/10]...

allowing me to pay my entire 6 months car insurance premium...
[$445, due, 12/02] and still have a bit of wiggle room...

this may have bought me January's utility & insurance bills...

no doubt, I need to find work soon...
but the message that I get is to be calm...
to not succumb to fear & panic...
I WILL BE LED... so do nothing in panic...
to let Him lead me in the ways that He wants me to go...
quietly, calmly, safely...

it was that quiet voice, speaking to me while I was calm...
that had me check my credit card "available balance"...
& led me to paying my property taxes by credit card...
after all, it's His money...

my checking account has enough to pay the whole car insurance now...
if I wait, then I have $116 payments every month for 4 months...

so I wait for the next instructions...and miracles ?

thanks again, to all of you who have prayed for me...
in His will, I hope to have good news...
to share with you all sometime soon...

God is good, and I trust Him, all the time...

...looking back & giving thanks

the last Thanksgiving meal I shared with Mom...
was in 2006, at her "care facility"...
[it was to be our last meal together, but we didn't know it then...]
and it was, actually, a pretty decent meal...
especially when compared to the one in 2005...
which was inedible, to put it kindly...

but, our last "real Thanksgiving dinner"...
was at the ranch in 2003...
we had a Thanksgiving in 2004, but we weren't alone...
her caregiver was there, so things weren't "normal"...

ever since I returned from Chicago in 1978, & moved to Mudville...
I had been "home for Thanksgiving"...
and after Dad died in 1988, it was always, "just us"...
[a stray cousin might float through, but never for dinner...]

I'd arrive at the ranch, about 2 1/2 hours south of Mudville...
in the early afternoon, after a church service or just sleeping-in...

the drive south, through the areas of fruit trees & grapevines...
leaves turning, red, yellow & brown from the cool fall air...
glowing in the shafts of the bright sunlight that sought them out...
the sky, often a brilliant blue that was so much a contrast...
to the earth tones of all the dying foliage...

sometimes, it was foggy, raining or just overcast...
but those times tended to be later, at Christmas...
Thanksgiving was almost always bright...
as if the earth was celebrating her bounty...
and rejoicing in her coming sleep...

as I rolled off the road, crunching onto the gravel driveway,
so common to country homes...
I was always greeted by barking dogs and a persimmon tree...
heavy with deep red-orange globes, touched with black...
amidst the golden leaves dropping to the ground beneath...

the old red barn, the big trees, fading white out-buildings...
the sycamore trees dropping big brown leaves...
the fruitless Mulberry trees in the back yard...
carpeting the ground with their large yellowed leaves...
and the huge Australian Oaks, standing sentries to the west of the house...
they keep their leaves, all feathery, greenish silver & black...

a refuge for owls and numerous other birds...
shade in the summer, windbreak in the winter...
watered by irrigation ditches, they were huge...
planted by my grandfather in 1905, they were old...
when it rained, they had a pleasant, but pungent odor...

after parking my car, I'd gather up my bags and head through the gate...
past frolicking canines & occasional felines...
through the fallen leaves, up the steps and into the kitchen...
where the aromas of roasting turkey, simmering green beans & boiling potatoes...
mingled with herbs, cinnamon, onions & other good things...
in the warm, steamy air...

Mom would time her turkey so that I could lift it out for her...
and soon, the smells of stuffing being removed from the turkey...
joined the smell of gravy cooking, roasted yams & Brussels sprouts cooling...
and potatoes being mashed with butter & milk...

then it was time to eat...

Mom hated roasting a turkey when I was growing up...
[Dad was really picky about how it came out...]
but as she got older, & inherited Grandma's blue speckled, covered roaster...
it all came together for her...

her turkey was always moist, perfectly done, with nice crisp skin...
I even learned to like dark meat, it was so good...

Mom always enjoyed her turkey dinners...
[she'd do one at Christmas, too...]
and when the meal was done...the deconstruction began...
the bird would be completely cut up and parcelled out...

a bag for skin, knuckles, fat, giblets, neck & odd scraps[for the grandcats...]
a bag of sliced white meat, the wings & a bit of dark meat for me...
the legs, some white & dark meat for sandwiches & supper...
the carcass for soup...
and the rest cut up for the "frozen dinners" Mom made for herself...

I always spent the night in my old room...
[except for 2004, when I slept on Dad's porch...
because my old room had become the caregiver's room...]
the next morning, after a turkey sandwich on toast for breakfast...
I'd head back to Mudville with enough leftovers for several good meals...

in December, 2006, after Mom had left the ranch for good...
a wind-whipped fire totally destroyed the house and most of the trees...
leaving only the cement front, side & back steps...
amid a fallen chimney & some twisted pipes...

the house, built by my grandfather in 1907, was being renovated...
and all the fixtures, doors, windows, woodwork & trim had been removed...
the new owner planned to go ahead, with the now, new house...
built to use the old fixtures & trim pieces, but a "new" house...

Mom thought that it was God's work...
leveling the house to the ground like that...
that He didn't want anyone else to live in the house...
where she had been born in 1912, married in 1931...
and lived for over 90 years...

I didn't argue with her... it seemed "right" to her...
I know that God doesn't usually work like that...
but the thought gave her comfort, so I let it go...

I didn't know that in 6 weeks, she would be gone...
so I'm glad I let her have that "last word"...

so now, 3 years later, this year, I'm thankful...

that we had all those dinners together...
I miss her & her turkey... and the ranch...
but I'm thankful for it all... for all those years...

I'm also thankful for where God has put me on the Thanksgivings since...
and this year, as I wait for a job, I'm thankful to be where I am...

"come, ye thankful people, come...
raise the song of harvest home...
all is safely gathered in...
ere the winter storms begin...

God, our maker, doth provide...
for our wants to be supplied...
come, to God's own temple, come...
raise the song of harvest home..."

God is good, all the time...

...happy 3rd birthday, Molly

this picture was taken a couple of days ago...
as Molly was chewing an old piece of leg bone...

as I celebrate Molly's 3rd birthday...
I find myself reflecting on the past year +...
that she's been here, in "Kitty City"...
with me and the felines...

Molly is a happy dog...

I say that having known a few who were often morose...
and a few that weren't...

she is not,"cool", like the felines...
she wears her heart on her sleeve...
bouncing about, mauling one of several squeaky toys...
punctuating the squeaks with yips of doggy glee...
scattering previously sleeping felines in her wake..

sometimes, she thunders through the house, [aka,"the runnsies"]...
when she's glad to see me or wants to play...
especially if Lucyfur, Mackie or SPie are about...
[and woe, to any feline or human who gets in the way...
sort of like a baby rhino going downhill...]

she likes the back yard, spending an hour or so in the morning...
[in good weather, much less if it's wet or cold...]
sometime, also in the late afternoon, if I've been gone...
patrolling the perimeter, calling the nasty blue jay names...
looking for Piglet, who I try to have inside when Molly's out...
[Molly wants to play chase & Pigs will have none of it...]

Molly loves the cat window perch...
from whence she barks at anything that moves outside...
though she can really wreak havoc getting up there...
scattering cats left & right...

I do have to keep her in the crate when I'm gone...

she goes batso and throws herself at the windows...
when the mail or a delivery comes...
and I'm afraid that she'll break a window...
she already "unhung" a stained glass panel...
while barking at a passing dog walker...
fortunately, it didn't break...

there were numerous plants in pots that suffered a worse fate...

she also spends the night in her crate...
cozy, right next to the floor furnace grate...
and anytime that she gets too carried away barking...
she goes in for a "time out"...

always willingly, especially if I toss in a toy or treat...
she seems to enjoy her crate...
yipping at any feline cheeky enough to pass too close...
she only "talks" to greet me on my return...
or if she really needs to go...

I have to be very careful of the cat food or she'll scarf it...
and she is quite stealthy too...
feline quality sneakiness...
going around through the kitchen...
to get at an unguarded morsel or cat dish with crumbs...

so I am still quite amazed...
[considering just how much territorial yipping, etc...
accompanies the gnawing of bones, etc, from her nest...]
that she will share all sorts of goodies put in her dish...
with any feline who sticks their nose in...

no growling, or defensive posturing...
no gulping or bolting the food so they won't get any...
just gently taking a bit, eating it & politely going back for more...
too bad the kitties aren't that nice to each other...

two days ago...
I had to give up on the last of the meatloaf...
[it had been around too long & didn't smell right...]
yesterday, it was the last of the chicken...
that I had slow-cooked, weeks ago...
and had made many good meals from...
but was now, too old & tasted strange...

they didn't care...

I broke up the few remaining slices of meatloaf...
giving Molly the bigger pieces...
and the kitties the crumbled ones...

the chicken went the same way, & quickly...
but shared with great gusto & no rancor...

I found myself just shaking my head in wonder...
as I watched Molly nibbling daintily on some chicken...
while Thomas, sitting right next to her, was eating from her dish too...

I've been working on building up my legs...
so that we can take an extra long walk for her birthday...
I'm sure that she'll like that...

it's still a work in progress...
me having a dog, that is...
I know cats, inside & out...
dogs, not so much, but I'm learning...

after all, there's a reason that God made her the way that she is...

the ideal dog to live here, with me & the kitties...
to teach me things & help me to become more patient...

so despite the small annoyances [purloined cat food...]
the need to train her & be,"the boss"...
the plethora of toys, old old bones, half-chewed rawhide...
ripped pillows, broken plant pots and messed-up chair cushions...
and, I hope, the "never again" dislocated finger...

I'm glad that she's here...

so, Happy Birthday Molly !
I hope you have many more...

...unchartered lands

on November 25, 2007, I crawled out of the hole I'd been hiding in...

I had help... God sent some caring people to show me the way out...
and things have been, "interesting", ever since...

C.S.Lewis observed that in his life...
when things seemed to be going too well...
that's when the the learning phase, the growth phase would begin...
often, by turning everything upside down...
and dumping him into a world of anger, fear & pain...

in the last 2 years...

I've experienced unbelievable joy...
and unbelievable sorrow & pain...

the quiet perfection of rewarded faith...
of things hoped & prayed for, happening against all odds...

the cold shock of grief at the realizations of all my sins...
the sickening failures of my attempts to improve my character...
the clutch of fear & panic as the cold reality of my actions...
became all too clear and nauseatingly real...

the lessons attempted, failed, attempted again...
and failed again...

and with each attempt & failure, I see how much farther I have to go...
the task becoming more daunting with each revelation...

for a while, these realizations would so depress me...
I came close to just packing it in...
lashing out at those who tried to help me...
completely oblivious of the effect I was having on them...
hiding away again so I," couldn't hurt others, any more..."
[an excuse for not dealing with the problem]
but the God of hope, who had revealed Himself to me 2 years ago...
wouldn't let me quit...

in reality, I was protecting myself[as usual]...
from the pain and shame of seeing the unvarnished truth...
of seeing just how screwed-up I was...

the realization of the whole truth was devastating...
but after some time had dimmed the intensity...

I realized that, as awful as I was, I was His...
and if I would let Him... He would fix me...
make me new... heal the broken, twisted spirit...
make the crooked, straight... the rough places, smooth...

put me in a situation where I could earn my living, pay off my debts...
take proper care of all the gifts He's blessed me with...
be in a position to do the work He has planned for me...
and NOT be a stumbling block or toxic presence in the lives of those I care for...

but it had to be His doing...
as I have proven myself untrustworthy many times...
weak, self-centered and focused not on Him and His will for me...
but on my own selfish desires for love, acceptance and all the "good things"....

so as I look back over these past 2 years...

I'm thankful for so much...

for those who cared enough to help me...
for those who have prayed for me & my financial mess...
for those who have listened to me...
for those who have told me the terrible truth about my behavior...
and how destructive it is to a relationship...

this last part may seem a strange thing to be thankful for...
but I've NEVER wanted to be oblivious to my own problems...
and, unfortunately, for nearly all of my life, have been to this one...
driving away most of those who cared for me in the process...

if I still used the kind of language I used to...
I'd say that I was,"full of s***"...

so coming face to face with the unvarnished effects of my actions...
was horribly ugly, but instead of just another painful failure...
it was truly a blessing...because it woke me up to my selfishness...
made me face the sin I tried to hide from...
gave me a chance to be healed...

as I re-read some posts, as well as many post comments and e-mails...
that I wrote over the last 2 years...
I cringe at some of the glibness, the cavalier smart ass...
anything for a cheap laugh, the smirking "... aren't I clever ?"
the egocentric, narcissistic point of view that often crossed the line...
that missed completely what the other might have been thinking or feeling...
or needed or wanted to hear or see in print...

that I was being self-centered never occurred to me..
it was all about me, my thoughts, needs, feelings...
yes, this particular post is about me...
but then, this is my blog...
blogs are online journals...
this is where it can be,"all about me"...
and the reader can just dismiss me as a self-serving jerk...

I'm also not taking a shot at anyone but myself...
just accepting the blame for my own bad actions...
and since it's my blog, I am not invading anyone's space but mine...
nor am I being "cute" or glib... just honest...

interpersonal relationships can not be all about self...
or they are neither "interpersonal" or a "relationship"...
just more narcissistic blather...
and a real "pain in the a**" for the other person...

much more trouble than anything is worth...

so during the last few months, I've finally began to see the "enemy"...
and it was looking back at me from my mirror...
one of "BC's" minions...
doing its work, creating strife...

now, I've gone through a lot of self-loathing in my life...
blaming myself for all my failures, hiding away...
when I really felt, deep down, that it,"wasn't my fault"...
"nobody liked me", "they picked on me"...
"after all, I deserved some happiness, some of the good things..."
"someone to love me, who appreciated me, so I wouldn't be alone, anymore..."

someone real, not cerebral, like God...
other people were happy... why not me ?

so it was always a big-time pity party...
with me feeling the sorriest for me...
continuing to wallow in self-pity...
nursing my wounded pride & massive ego...

[as I said before,"... full of s***"...]

I don't know why it took 60 years for me to see it...
but I had to get to a place where I valued something enough...
that I wouldn't just,"get mad", say," to H*** with them", and leave...
keeping myself squarely in the center of my own little universe...

perhaps God had done just enough work in my heart...
that He could rip the bandage off, exposing the corruption below...
letting the festering mess drain, excising the necrotic tissue...
so I could let Him heal me this time, for good...

to take away the self-centered, hyper-emotional, effluvia...
the needy urge to make myself feel loved, feel included...
disregarding completely the needs or feelings of anyone else involved...
as long as I serviced my own distorted vision of my needs...

like most narcissists, all I could see was me & my feelings...

I didn't realize just how obnoxious,["full of s***"]I was being...
I was included, it was fun, I was enjoying the feelings I was having...
and completely ignored the effect my unconsidered actions were having on others...
and it's not as if I hadn't been told...
over and over, just how obnoxious, smothering, invasive & annoying I was being...

I often didn't hear... and when hearing, didn't understand...
and paid an awful price...

unfortunately, this destructive a situation wreaks havoc on all sides...

as I began to truly see my problem...
God began to reveal the damage that I had done to others to me...

it was NOT a good time... and has taken a while to work through with Him...
just what I have to allow Him to do in my heart & mind...
what is needed to detox my personality...

it is NOT lost on me that this, is probably the reason...
that I don't yet have a job...
I used to think that it was just my money attitudes that God needed me to change...
then the job would come...
now, on the eve of the 2nd anniversary of my rebirth in Him...
I understand that He wants a totally different me...

one that trusts Him for all my needs...
enough so that I don't smother friends with my neediness...
that I can accept and love all those that He gives me to love...
in His way, which is best for them, not mine, which is best for me...

that I can of my own scheming, take-care-of-myself-first ways...
accomplish nothing He's interested in...
and in reality, it causes more harm than help...
that my compartmentalizing, focusing intently on a few things...
ignoring the rest, is NOT loving or productive...
and in the case of people, absolutely deadly...

I know that there is more insight to be had...
but I must learn to leave the work to Him...

so I'm still a work in progress...
but at least now I'm beginning to understand that it's His work...
and therefore, His progress...

it may take the rest of my life...
but I know that I don't want to be anywhere ...
or be anyone that is not in His will for me...

I've definitely had enough of causing aggravation & pain to those I care about...
to those I've angered, annoyed, pissed-off or chased away...
I am sorry, but you were a needed tool to "get my attention"...
thank you for continuing the wake-up calls, until I heard it...

I hope that someday, you can forgive me for all my self-centered crap...

in the mean time, I wait, and watch Him work...
I pray that I can accept gracefully all the changes He's making...
I don't want to be "here" again... as least, not like this...
I want to be better...
and a whole lot easier to be around...

so I wait, calm & trusting in the face of losing everything...
because He has promised to provide for me, I believe that He will...
He has also promised that all things can be made new...
in His time & way... I believe that if I trust and obey, He will...

for me, it would be impossible, for Him, a walk in the park...
as long as I believe and allow Him to work His will in me...
I hope... for "the job"... a better, more people-friendly me...
I hope... and trust... and believe...

God is good, all the time...

...the little unexpected blessings

over the last few weeks, I have waited...

God is very clear to me that He will provide all my needs...
but I must wait expectantly...
& with a thankful heart...
for His plans to be revealed...

the last several months have been a time of growth...
which is never easy, and at times, quite painful...
as I become more and more aware of my failures...
the folly of my actions and their consequences...

the more I learn about my mistakes and shortcomings...
the more I see the need for further changes...
which could lead me into a severe depression, as it did last summer...
and with only a promise of a solution...
and a real deadline looming...
I'm learning that I must fight the fear with trust...

NOT an easy thing, when all supply seems to have failed...

but during these last few weeks, some quiet...
unexpected, but good, things have happened...
things that have truly blessed me...
and given me hope & the courage to see this through...

first, there was the happy discovery...
that my mortgage payment would "skip" November...
then there was my car insurance premium that dropped by $145...
then, the utility bill for November, that was only $86...
[it's usually $106, reduced from $130...
due to their "low income" plan I qualified for...]

last week, I got my city utility bill...
[water, sewer, garbage, garden refuse]
it was only $89 for November...
it was $160 in October & $200 during the summer months...

I can't remember the last time it was so low...

it's as if God is stretching out my available funds...

I went grocery shopping on Saturday...

and though I couldn't afford a turkey [in any form...]
or any of my favorite seasonal delights...
ie eggnog, sigh...

I found a number of things I really needed...
either half-price or on sale...
most were not advertised...
so if I hadn't been "hunting"...
I wouldn't have found them...
[I have to admit, I do enjoy the "hunt"]

I should mention here that I had intended to go on Friday...
but was told to "wait"...
who knows what the difference in one day was...
I just know that it was a fruitful trip...
[and the last one for quite a while...]

the quietest blessing came this morning...

I'd been at a Renaissance group rehearsal last night...
I don't sing in every piece, since I'm the newest singer...
[BTW, just listening to the 4 of them sing the Byrd, "O Magnum..."
is a blessing all on it's own... pure purple velvet...]

so while the others were rehearsing...
[some 4 part pieces that they've done before...]
I was visiting with Mr GT ...
& enjoying some of his freshly squeezed OJ in my tea...
[I do SO love the pulp, but most OJ is too acid for me...]

I told him how I had gotten some low-acid OJ at half price...
but couldn't afford the oranges themselves, [they're never ripe anyway...]
so he offered me some of the oranges he "gleans" from his clients...
and I offered him some of my Meyer lemons...
[it's a "country thing", trading harvest bounty...]

we agreed to "a few oranges..."& "just a few lemons[6-12]"...
[citrus stores well in a cold place, not a warm house or apartment...]
the oranges & lemons are just starting to get ripe now...
and will be ripening on trees into March...

later, when I returned to the rehearsal from the restroom...
there was a bag with 6 oranges by my chair...



this morning, I peeled one for breakfast...
tossing the peel into my bedroom trash can...
it was SO ripe, juicy, sweet & mild...
the perfect orange for my sensitive system...

it also had 4 seeds, which I saved & planted...
placing the pot on a sunny window sill in my kitchen...
next to the grapefruit seedlings from last summer...
then, when I went back into my bedroom...
I was greeted with the fragrant scent from the orange peel in the trash...
a double blessing...

and that's the way it's been going lately...

little blessings, that keep blessing...

thanks again to all of you who have been...
and still are, praying for me...
you are also part of those "little blessings"...
and I pray that God will richly bless all of you...
in all you do, for your kind & caring spirits...

God is SO good, all the time...

...catching the light

I was determined to try to capture that moment...
when the angle of the declining sun...
set the foliage afire in it's autumn splendor...
I'd missed it twice, so I planned ahead...



and arrived at the park, sometime after 3 PM...
while the sun was still, "overhead"...



and shadows were just starting to lengthen...



and the leaves were just starting to glow...



as it progressed, the angle of light illuminated the trees...
& sent beams of sunlight across the grass that had been in shadow...



immolating the outstretched arms of trees...
dappling the trunks and ground with shadow & light shafts...



as I turned for home, the sun now low enough to light only tree tops...
lit up the turning leaves down the street...
making a kaleidoscope of distant trees...



now, with the sun rapidly dropping...
only the leaves of trees on my street were lit...
but what lighting !

I walked on into the deepening shadows...
accompanied by the loud chatter of birds...
settling into the sun-lit leaves for the night...
a raucous, but joyful establishment of the best roosting places...



the final glory... a Chinese pistachio across the street...

between a dead sycamore and a power pole...
amidst more than the usual residential clutter...
it blazes away, consumed in the final moments of the light...
much more intensely than at any other time of the day...
when it merely smolders...

God is good...All the time...
but especially in the fall...

...requiescat in pace, Deacon Millie

remembering Millie with thanksgiving...

for a life well-lived...
a fight well-fought...
a journey complete...
sufferings over...

at home now, with Jesus...

rest in peace...
we will miss you, but look forward to seeing you again...

...another little "miracle" ?

cell phones... we all use them...
and dealing with various cell companies can be ugly...

however, I really like my current phone...



it's a Sprint Treo 755p, "smart phone"...
and since I don't have an ISP at home anymore...
it's been my link to e-mail at home or on the go...
and since my home phone is NOT working properly right now...
[and isn't getting fixed any time soon...]
it's become very important to me...

several months ago...
I went to the web site and removed the insurance...
[$7 per/mo....anything to save money...]

my plan [Fair & Flexible 300] includes :

nationwide long distance...
unlimited nights & weekends...
300 anytime minutes... for $35p/m
a small data package[online + texts] for $15p/m

all taxes, etc included...

BUT... my contract was expiring 12/02/09...
and when investigating all the e-mail offers to "re-up"...
everything was, "upgrade your phone"[$$$]
and the cheapest plan listed that allowed internet access...
WAS $ 90 !!! p/m...

I didn't need a "new" phone...mine is working fine...
it cost $600... and hopefully has years left...
[it's also my datebook & phone book...
I have 10 years of records on my computer in Palm OS...
I don't want to re-do everything, nor can I afford to...]

and when I used the Sprint usage calculator on the website...
my current plan fit perfectly...

But they no longer offer it...

according to the website, I'd need to buy a new phone...
& a more expensive service plan...

so I called... navigating a pretty simple menu...
[that was refreshing...]
and got quickly connected [what's up with that ?]...
to a friendly customer service person who was obviously NOT in India...[?]

I gave her my info, she made sure that I, was "really me"...
and then asked what she could do to help me...

I told her that my current contract was about to expire...
that my phone worked and I wanted to keep it...
she said, "no problem"...
she did tell me that because of my history with the company...
if I had wanted to "upgrade", I could get the $150 off deal...
[not bad, usually, returning customers have to pay full price...]

I then went on to ask if I could renew my current plan...
and she said,"yes, as long as continue to use a phone...
that is supported by the small data bundle[ie,NOT a touch screen]...
I could continue to renew my current plan..."

she also checked my usage and said...
"You're right, your current plan is the best plan for you..."

AND... then she said,"As a loyalty reward, if you renew for 2 more years...
we will give you a choice of $50 off once...
OR 10% of your bill, each month, FOR 2 YEARS !"
"I'd take the 10% for 2 years, if I were you..."

since I had prepared myself to barter for a 4 year contract...
if I could convince them to let me keep my phone & plan...
I was thrilled !

so now, my cell phone bill will only be around $45 p/m...

with all the features I listed before...

their cheapest new plan was $29.99 p/m...
for 200 minutes and no internet...

and if I need a new phone at anytime in the future ?

she told me that they still carry Treo 755ps...
and as long as I stay with that phone or its ilk...
I can keep my cheap plan...



thanks, Sprint !

and thanks to Him who sends the "little miracles"...

God is good, all the time...

...savoring the "waiting" moments

I love fall...

and even though this year's foliage is not as spectacular as last's...
I'm having an attack of "click-click fever"...
and have been out & about, trying to capture the light & colors...
before they are gone with a storm...



the "Narnia tree"...is just starting to color...
[I call it that because of the lamp post...]
2 years ago, before I got used to carrying my camera...
it took my breath away one evening, illuminated by the lamp light...



last year, I discovered "Macro"...
this year, it's "Infinity + Zoom"...
[I should probably carry my unipod for stability...]



I was trying for the "Trees Aglow" from the day before...
but had to accept that some moments don't repeat...
just because you missed the chance or you'd like them to...
sadly, true for more than just "photo-ops"...



so I wait, having had it made clear to me...
that I will receive guidance on the employment front...
and that when I'm told what to do, I must follow the instructions...
but until then, I must wait, anticipating wonderful things to come...

not a bad mind set with which to enter Advent[starting Nov.29]...

I fill my days with the little things...
the simple things... those "details" that God loves...
& practice being thankful for everything...
pleasant or not, as it all is part of the plan...

and wait...

God is good, All the time...

...believe, utterly

it was after 4 PM yesterday afternoon...
as I drove home from the church...
through the bright fall sunshine...
the sun was quickly dropping low in the west...

towards the end of the 2 mile journey...
I headed west, towards the park...
under a canopy of red, orange & yellow leaves...
with the setting sun turning them into translucent art pieces...

at the park, as I turned onto my street...
the sun's declining rays were creating an irresistible glow...
so as soon as I had parked in my driveway...
I got out my camera and gimped back down to the park...

by the time I got there...
the moment of splendor had passed...

though I did catch this glimpse of the setting sun...
as fishermen and wanderers passed by on their way home...
hurrying now, since the lowering sun and lessening of light...
were turning the deepening gloaming, rather chill...

I walked back home, hoping that I had captured at least a bit...
of the glory I had reveled in all the way home...
knowing that tonight, a storm is coming...
and the bright celebrations of autumn will be too soon gone...

I've been re-reading my posts from last year at this time...

I was so worried about Mack, who was at death's door...
He's completely recovered now...
thanks to the many prayers for his recovery...
but I mentioned Gracie, who would be gone so suddenly in December...
and Frickie, Creamer & Mattie who have also now gone ahead...

deepening the sense of loss and bungled chances...
emphasizing just how quickly our circumstances can change...
and how, much of that which concerns me now...
was not even on my mind then...

it makes me wonder what each new day will bring...

November 25, the day before Thanksgiving this year...
is not only Molly's 3rd birthday...
but also the 2nd anniversary of the beginning of a new life for me...
a life of trust... & change at my most basic level...
much of which is still in the messy, "construction" phase...
and not always pleasant to be around...

where I'm seemingly called to believe, utterly...

to have no other source than Him...

to "rest"... and "wait"... and "trust"...
in His saving power & provision...

no fear for the future... or anything in it...
only rest, trust & courage...

not an easy self to become...
but He's promised to see me through...

"...the Lord giveth, the Lord takest away...
Blessed be the Name of the Lord..."

God IS good... ALL the time...

...NOT what I wanted to hear

those of you who are regular readers...
have been subjected to the twists & turns of my job search...
life path upheaval and financial difficulties
for quite some time now...

yesterday, Super Sop assured me that...
"not having heard yet from VOPU, was their usual style..."
"we've lost several good, prospective hires...
because the university took too much time in deciding on them...
and they, 'moved on' in the meantime..."

she, as well as several others, encouraged me to call...
so this morning, I did...

unfortunately, the results were not what I had hoped for...

I spoke with the person who interviewed me...
she said, "The committee has made it's decision...
you should receive a letter this week...
we appreciate your interest in our position..."
all said in a tone of voice that was detached...

NOT a positive signal at all...

and the response I get from God ?

"that He is my supply..."

"that I must move "fearlessly ahead...
believing that the Red Sea will part before me...
and that I will pass through safely..."

perhaps the chosen person will have moved on...
maybe the job will fall to me by default...

or, there's something else that I don't know about yet...

I trust God... He is the Lord of miracles...
and last minute reprieves...

I've seen Him accomplish miracles before...

blessings beyond what I could have dared to hope for...
or my heart's deepest desire...

sometimes, even when all hope appeared gone...

and this time ?

I know that He can... I hope that He will...

but if He doesn't... I have NO clue what to do next...

no idea where to look... all the doors appear closed...
if something miraculous doesn't happen...
I won't make it past Christmas...

so I wait... and trust... and hope...



and to all of you who have been so faithful in praying for me...
I'm really sorry about the way things have gone...
and seem to be going...
it's been a strange, gut-wrenching journey for me...
and it appears to be continuing on a downward trajectory...

everyone has enough turmoil in their own life...
you certainly didn't need to share in mine...

I appreciate more than I can express all the prayers...
and the words of encouragement and good wishes...
you've shared my frustrations & failures...
I'd hoped to share a positive outcome this time...

I haven't had this door shut in my face yet...
so I still hope...
God tells me that I must...
hope, trust and believe...
that He will provide for me...

so I cling to that hope, as a dying leaf holds to the branch...



because, God is good...ALL the time...

...STILL waiting, no news yet

this picture says it all...



I could use a stiff drink...



but BC's minions are everywhere...
[especially in my house...]



so I'll call on CC to protect me while I wait...



and with His help, I'll hang on...
hidden safely away from BC & the Gang...

...more "PBFFFFFFPT" at Basement Cat

I'm sure I'll pay for these moments of "waiting" levity...
but I don't care...

some of you may not be familiar with the "Ceiling/Basement Cat" dicotomy...
maybe these will help... and give you a chuckle at BC's expense...
it sure did for me... ;D



from the depths of our selfish selves...



rises the darker, self-centered side of our flawed nature...



inside all of us, good & bad coexist...
the question is: will you sing or steal ?
or ooze around, somewhere in the middle...?
not really good, not really bad...

rudder-less, just wandering... lost...



the road to Hell is also paved with sloth, greed & pride...
and tons of rationalizations...



we find ourselves tempted, after all, it's understandable...
we deserve the better things in life...
it's not really hurting anyone...
and it's fun...

unfortunately, our earthly perspectives can be flawed...



we don't have to "win"... just accept the victory that's been won already...
not always easy for us here, being dazzeled by BC's toys & tricks...



but the battle's been fought & won...
and if we claim the victory He's already won for us...
life may not be all catnip, tuna & sleeping on clean laundry...
but we'll have a helper in our weakness...
and if we accept it, a far better life...

now & forever...

Amen...

[and to you BC, PBFFFFFFFFST !!!]

...a crappy day

ever had one of those days ?

I've had several in a row, escalating to today...



& today has been one of those,"aw crap", days...



where no matter what you do, you find yourself "stepping in it"...

yesterday, it was other drivers trying to "take me home to Jesus"...
and the sooner the better... several tried, none succeeded...



I blame the enemy, aka Basement Cat, for this onslaught...
as I try to maintain a thankful attitude while I wait for word...
I have become more strung-out from the months of job-seeking...
I know that I am less patient and much more easily blindsided...
because I'm ready for it to be over, but still, I need to wait...



and BC is subtle... reminding me of all my shortcomings...
my failure to be a good friend, lack of exercise...
postponed projects, good intentions limited by physical pain...
and we're not going to mention my front yard...
now an "official wilderness area, with "high savanna grass areas"...

and since the whining has now officially begun...



besides the arthritis pain, that kept me from sleeping last night...
now that it's colder...there are the sinus headaches...
then there's the ATT repair guy who called this morning just after 8 AM...
[I had just finally gotten to sleep...
and they were supposed to come check-out my phone tomorrow...]

so I got up & was barely dressed when he showed-up...
nice guy...said it was probably their wires...
since the high winds started it...
[incoming calls ring only once, a short belch...
& then if I don't pick-up, right away, I lose the call...]

so after informing me that:
a] the new utility pole is connected to the old one in such a way...
that ATT can't access their transformers on the poles...
b] the new heating/AC unit in my basement completely blocks access...
to the incoming phone lines, so they can't even test them...
c] they would have to completely redo all the outside wiring...
to even check my phone...

then...after they figured-out how to check it...
they informed me that the problem was inside my house...
[in other words, I now owed them $55 for the service call...
and they problem wasn't fixed yet...
they would be happy to repair it for me, at a gazillion $ per/hr...
or I could hire someone else... I chose the latter...
my outside driveway light doesn't work...
& if I can find the $ to get my electrician [semi-retired]to do it...
he can probably fix the phones too...
I also had my suspicions about the failure of the DSL confirmed...
the microwave is improperly grounded, causing the static...
I don't know if anyone can get to the problem area...
without de-constructing my kitchen...

so for the time-being, I seem to be swimming in a morass...
and BC is enjoying itself...
but I'm working on sending it packing...
which will be much more effective than this is on kitties...



click on the picture to enlarge...

cat staff persons out there everywhere...
can you only imagine the sheer joy of a remote with these capabilities ?
it boggles the mind...makes my heart beat faster...
and a sure sign of the impending apocalypse...

and as for you,BC [& all your minions...]



PHFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFBPT !!!

[AHHHH...I feel much better now...]